thebookofgorbb

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Chapter Five: APOTHEOSIS

1.) Well by now, there were a whole bunch of Gods of a whole bunch of things, and FMURP was too busy keepin' track of all of them to also keep track of the things they were all keepin' track of.

2.) One day GRORK came to FMURP's house and was like "Hey, we need to do somethin' about the Sun. Keeps burnin' people to death. It's all they're doing Art and Culture and Ingenuity about any more; the Sun, and not bein' burned to death by it."

3.) So FMURP borrowed some magic shoes that let you fly from whoever was the God of magic shoes that let you fly, and she went to the Sun, but here's somethin' wild; the Sun was a God, and not one FMURP had made.

4.) "What's up, I'm GORBB" said GORBB, the Sun and also the God of the Sun.

5.) And FMURP was mightily vexed by this, but she reasoned that if everything but her was made out of that jackass HRAGGAK, then it stood to reason that a bunch of stuff was gonna go and do things she would find both unwelcome and surprising, pretty much all the damn time.

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Chapter Four: SOCIETY

1.) FMURP was like "Damn buddy you need to chill maybe", but GRABULVLAX was having a real good time smitin' everybody, so he didn't pay her no mind. The Book of GORBB.

2.) On the other hand, now that folks were subject to entropy, the fleeting nature of existence had prompted them to develop Art and Culture and Ingenuity, so FMURP was like "Ok, the smiting can stay, but dial it back. You're at an 8. I need you at like a 3."

3.) Then FMURP made RAGHRUKK God of Recreation, and told GRABULVLAX to go talk to him about taking a vacation, which RAGHRUKK had just invented.

4.) And lucky for everybody, GRABULVLAX was like "Cool, good idea", because by now he was pretty worn out.

5.) Then while GRABULVLAX wasn't lookin', FMURP made GRORK to be the God of Art and Culture and Ingenuity, because now that those were things, somebody had to be in charge, so they could be Holy and GRABULVLAX wouldn't find cause to smite them before they could get interesting.

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Chapter Three: CONDEMNATION

1.) So FMURP decided she would be the God of Gods, and took those big pieces of HRAGGAK to her house so she could teach them all the God Stuff she'd figured out.

2.) Well, turns out most of them didn't much like doing God Stuff, so they decided they'd rather become stuff or critters or folks instead of Gods, and that was cool with FMURP because not everybody's cut out for that kind of deal, she wasn't gonna judge.

3.) Instead she made GRABULVLAX God of Judgment, so HE could judge them.

4.) GRABULVLAX thought real hard about it, and decided he had to condemn all the stuff and critters and folks for failing to strive towards divinity.

5.) "Y'all have chosen to be Lesser than what your potential could have allowed, so I sentence you to be Temporary. Time will erode you, and Death will claim you. In the end, ain't gonna be nothin' left but Gods."

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Chapter Two: HARASSMENT

1.) Then came HRAGGAK the God of Unwelcome Surprises, all up behind FMURP like like "YO GIRL HOW YOU DOIN', LOOKIN' FINE BABY, FINE AS HELL."

2.) And that spooked FMURP so bad that she slapped HRAGGAK right in the damn mouth, so hard he split into like a billion different pieces!

3.) These pieces, man, they got EVERYWHERE. A bunch of them became stuff, and a bunch of them became critters, and a bunch of them even became folks.

4.) The biggest pieces, they looked up at FMURP and wanted to be like her, because she was an all right sort of lady (aside from straight up murderin' HRAGGAK.)

5.) (HRAGGAK was kind of a creep anyway, so it's not like anyone was really torn up about it, you know?)

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Chapter One: OBLIVION

1.) In the beginning, there weren't nothin' but nothin'.

2.) But that got real boring real quick, so FMURP, God of Causality Paradoxes, reached backwards and caused herself to retroactively have always existed.

3.) Well, now that she existed inside linear time, she became subject to its terms. So she looked around for something else to be the God of since it was no longer possible for Causality Paradoxes to have existed.

4.) But there just weren't nothin' else goin' on yet, and she didn't want to be the God of any of that.

5.) So she sat down and waited, 'cause there weren't nothin' else to be done.

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Preface and Index

In DR 1495, in Icewind Dale, Sgt. Hugo Clashcannon, Hobgoblin Artificer, encountered an evangelical worshiper of Lathander, God of the Morning. Worried that he was about to be preached at against his will, Sgt. Clashcannon invented a fake Goblinoid Sun God on the spot, so he could claim all of his spiritual needs re: the Sun were adequately fulfilled.

Sgt. Clashcannon: "We got a guy for that. GORBB. Goblinoid god of the sun. Got a hundred thousand arms. Punches all the enemies of the Goblinoid people."

Lathander’s Worshiper: "Oh, so, uh.. a mighty protector.."

Sgt. Clashcannon: "NOPE! Big on self-reliance, GORBB. Actually, he just punches everybody! That's all what sunlight is, the holy fists o' GORBB punchin' warmth into the earth."

Later it occurred to him that this would be a useful strategy for avoiding talking about all kinds of gods, other than the War Gods who dominate the actual Goblinoid pantheon. So he started writing fake scriptures of a fake pantheon, so he wouldn't have to ever talk to a missionary again.

Sgt. Clashcannon is currently wanted by Hobgoblin Authorities (particularly the Iron Shadows order of secret police, and the priesthood of Maglubiyet, the chief of the actual Goblinoid pantheon) on multiple capital offenses. But that was already the case before all this, so he figures a little extra heresy won’t hurt.

What follows are the scriptures Hugo is developing in his free time, to elaborate on GORBB and his divine kin; their origins, their interactions, their commandments, and their prophecies.

INDEX

Chapter One: OBLIVION

Chapter Two: HARASSMENT

Chapter Three: CONDEMNATION

Chapter Four: SOCIETY

Chapter Five: APOTHEOSIS