theboywiththepinkfloralpurse - Tumblr blog

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

My Boy...

When I was about 15, I used to imagine what my life would look like when I become an adult. I’d have a house, a job, a car, a couple cats… and a Wife and kids. I didn’t realize at the time why every time I got to THAT part… I started to feel sad. Why would imagining having my own family make me sad? Easy answer now, not so easy then. a few years later when I started admitting to myself that I’m gay, I like boys, I got my answer to that question. I would imagine my life for the future the same way, with a wife, and I’d feel sad. But when I started imagining that with a Husband everything changed and I felt happy when I imagined my future.

I used to think the way that my parents do, that dating and especially going so far as to Marry someone of the same sex, is wrong and goes against what God wants for His people. I thought that I’d never be able to be with someone that made me happy because it would be wrong. I had a really difficult period of time where I was so conflicted, I thought that I had to choose between loving Jesus and loving someone romantically. I thought that I had to choose between living my life alone but following what my Church and my parents believe is right, or leaving my faith and everyone who I grew up with so I could be happy and have someone to spend my life with. But that’s not the real choice. The real choice is whether or not I can be strong in my beliefs while my family tells me I’m wrong and that I’m living in sin if I have a relationship with a man.

Here I am. I have a wonderful, sweet, adorable boyfriend, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. He means so much to me. He’s allergic to peanuts, and peanut butter is one of my favorite things, but I give up peanut butter for him because he’s more important to me than any superficial favorite things. If someone offered me a lifetime supply of Reese’s, I would say no because I’d rather have a lifetime supply of kisses from my boyfriend. 

I’m so excited when I think about the future now. I used to have such a bad view of what my future would look like. Now I have so much to look forward to. I graduated high school, I’m learning to drive, I’m looking for a job, and I have so much time in the future that I’ll get to spend with my boyfriend.

I love him so very much.

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

134 questions

1: Name - Joel 2: Age - 18 (19 in June) 3: 3 Fears - being alone, not making anything of myself, and bugs lol 4: 3 things I love - My Sweet and Wonderful Boyfriend, music and making music, chocolate 5: 4 turns on - the back of my neck, it's really sensitive… when the other person takes control… that's all you get for now ;) 6: 4 turns off - biting, roughness lol, uncomfortable positions, boobs (lol) 7: My best friend - Sterling 8: Sexual orientation - Gay (duh XD) 9: My best first date - pizza place with my current boyfriend 10: How tall am I - 5’6” 11: What do I miss - my boyfriend. And music camp tbh 12: What time was I born - not sure… the afternoon maybe? 13: Favorite color - Teal 14: Do I have a crush - very much so 15: Favorite quote - not my favorite but I love it cuz it's hilarious “...the people that put the chemicals in the water that turned the friggin frogs gay!” - Alex Jones 16: Favorite place - Sterling's house (and now anywhere with my boyfriend :) 17: Favorite food - Mac n’ cheese. Also chicken 18: Do I use sarcasm - nooooooo I neeeeever eeeeeeever use sarcasm (lol) 19: What am I listening to right now - my Mom has some cringey Christian radio station on... 20: First thing I notice in a new person - kindness 21: Shoe size - 10 (12 women's XD) 22: Eye color - blue 23: Hair color - dirty blonde 24: Favorite style of clothing - sweaters with or without buttons, clothes with buttons in general. Fall clothes 25: Ever done a prank call? - once… it was so cringey but he actually fell for it

27: Meaning behind my URL - theboywiththepinkfloralpurse was my first blog where I really needed someplace to make venting emotional posts and I'd just gotten a tacky pink purse with flowers lol. a-random-gay-bunny is pretty self explanatory lol 28: Favorite movie - ahhhhhh I'm so bad at picking favorites for most things…. I do really like V for Vendetta tho. Seen it many times, and the entire X-Men series. 29: Favorite song - too many to pick… 30: Favorite band - except this… I can say for sure it's Pentatonix. I've seen them in concert twice, I love them so much 31: How I feel right now - happy, but I wanna hold my boyfriend and kiss him 32: Someone I love - My boyfriend John 33: My current relationship status - very taken <3 34: My relationship with my parents - much better than a couple years ago, still a little rocky but pretty good 35: Favorite holiday - probably Christmas 36: Tattoos and piercing I have - none 37: Tattoos and piercing I want - I'm not sure, but I would like a tattoo or a few one day 38: The reason I joined Tumblr - to vent my feelings to the void lol 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other? - don't have one 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - everyday :) <3 41: Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? - this question is weird lol, but John's the last person I texted and the only person I've kissed :) 42: When did I last hold hands? - yesterday 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - depends, I can get ready really quickly if need be though 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? - nope. Last I shaved was a week ago I think 45: Where am I right now? - at home on my couch 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? - either Sterling, John or both, but I don't plan on getting drunk ever. I guess it could happen but probably won't be drinking in the future 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - both, usually slightly loud though 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - yeah… hopefully not for too much longer 49: Am I excited for anything? - seeing my boyfriend on Saturday, and going to camp in 52 days, and hopefully passing my driver's test in 107 days. 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - sort of? I feel like I can tell Tabby everything 51: How often do I wear a fake smile? - not too often, only in situations where I feel uncomfortable but feel I need to smile. 52: When was the last time I hugged someone? - couple of hours ago 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? - I'd be vereh sad and I'd want to know why. But he wouldn't do that :) 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? - I'm a really trusting person so probably 55: What is something I disliked about today? - I couldn't see my boyfriend and kiss his cute face 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - uhhh… I dunno… maybe Tyler Oakley cuz I bet that would be really fun 57: What do I think about most? - heehee, my boyfriend. And also getting a job and figuring out plans for things, always running through plans in my head. 58: What’s my strangest talent? - I'm not sure, but the fact I can sing so low and so high is a pretty strange talent I guess 59: Do I have any strange phobias? - I'm very afraid of getting water in my eyes 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - behind it 61: What was the last lie I told? - I told my Mom I understood when she told me that my having a boyfriend is very difficult and awkward for her. I really don't understand 62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - definitely on the phone, but before my boyfriend I would've said neither 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - I'd like to believe in aliens, but I dunno. As for ghosts I don't believe in them at all really. 64: Do I believe in magic? - kind of? I think people can and have been able to connect with demons and been controlled by them. I don't think it really happens today much anymore. I think it might tho? 65: Do I believe in luck? - not really, sort of in a cutesy way tho 66: What's the weather like right now? - slightly cloudy, but the sun has mostly set anyway 67: What was the last book I've read? - all the way through? Animal Farm. The last book I opened and read from was a book Sterling gave me. 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? - Oh god no, do some people like that smell? 69: Do I have any nicknames? Dork, pianoman (from this strange sports camp where everyone had a nickname) 70: What was the worst injury I've ever had? - had a car hood slam on a couple fingers, they didn't break tho surprisingly. Never had a broken bone 71: Do I spend money or save it? - spend… I shouldn't, I need to make money so I can start saving 72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? - just barely the bottom of my nose 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? - yes, my old pink purse and probably some other stuff 74: Favorite animal? - besides cats and bunnies, red pandas 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - talking to bae 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? - I don't think he has one? Strange question lol 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - you'll be in my heart by Phil Collins 78: How can you win my heart? - genuinely caring about me :) 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? - Here lies the gayest gay to ever gay 80: What is my favorite word? - maybe bitch lol 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr - a bunch of furry blogs lol 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - …..hi?... anybody wanna give me free money and help me see my boyfriend more?.... 83: Do I have any relatives in jail? - no. Unless I have distant relatives in jail 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? - teleportation 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? - not many, but one is “have you cheated on school assignments” 86: What is my current desktop picture? - my cat Loki 87: Had sex? - nope 88: Bought condoms? - nope 89: Gotten pregnant? - NOPE XD 90: Failed a class? - no 91: Kissed a boy? - yee 92: Kissed a girl? - nononono 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? - not yet ;) 94: Had job? - not yet :( 95: Left the house without my wallet? - plenty of times lol 96: Bullied someone on the internet? - maybe? When I was like 13/14 I might've, but not really, I made cringey YouTube comments. 97: Had sex in public? - nope lol 98: Played on a sports team? - nope 99: Smoked weed? - nope 100: Did drugs? - nope 101: Smoked cigarettes? - nope 102: Drank alcohol? - nope 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - nope 104: Been overweight? - nope 105: Been underweight? - ...yeah 106: Been to a wedding? - many… many 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? - HA plenty of times XD 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? - probably 109: Been outside my home country? - no 110: Gotten my heart broken? - yeah 111: Been to a professional sports game? - actually yeah… it was boring 112: Broken a bone? - nope 113: Cut myself? - no, I considered once but immediately decided against it because I know someone close to me who did 114: Been to prom? - nope 115: Been in airplane? - a few times 116: Fly by helicopter? - nope 117: What concerts have I been to? - Oh lots, a bunch of em were when I had a scholarship that allowed me to see concerts for free 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? - plenty lol, better question would be had a crush on the opposite sex. Which the answer would be… once 119: Learned another language? - sorta? Not fluently no lol 120: Wore make up? - nope, I don't like stuff on my face like face paints and makeup and stuff 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18? - nope 122: Had oral sex? - nope 123: Dyed my hair? - no, but I want to someday. Like a fun color 124: Voted in a presidential election? - yeah 125: Rode in an ambulance? - nope 126: Had a surgery? - nope 127: Met someone famous? - kinda! 128: Stalked someone on a social network? - a few times... 129: Peed outside? - yeah, hasn't everybody at least once? Right? 130: Been fishing? - once… super boring 131: Helped with charity? - not yet, can't afford to yet lol 132: Been rejected by a crush? - once 133: Broken a mirror? - don't think so 134: What do I want for birthday? - always a difficult question. But definitely want to see my boyfriend :)

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

It actually is. I swallowed one when I was 4 or 5 and if it weren't for the hole in the middle, I would have choked on it. My Mom was there and she couldn't do anything, she just had to wait for the life saver to melt. So the hole in the middle actually legit saved my life.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE LIFESAVER MINTS HAVE A HOLE IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE IF IT GETS CAUGHT IN YOUR THROAT YOU CAN STILL BREATHE.

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

I was tagged by @snowbleppard

[A]ge: 18 (19 in 4.5 months) [B]iggest fear: being alone or not being loved [C]urrent time: 11:52 PM EST [D]rink you last had: Ice Water (lol I’m so interesting) [E]veryday starts with: struggling to get out of bed and then taking my medication followed by not eating breakfast cuz I hate myself in the morning... [F]avorite song: uhhh.... I don’t think I have one? Because I just really like music in general.. BUT! I can say what songs are currently stuck in my head. Which would be Crazy by Gnarls Barkley, Thneedville (This version>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2soPrclcFU-because it has the goooooood morniiiiing part) and this song, Walking Down the Street sung by The Real Group, is constantly getting stuck in my head>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCcwWCIehQ8 [G]hosts, are they real: Would be cool, but I don’t believe in ghosts for real [H]ometown: A small town in Connecticut [I]n love with: my friends especially @datacenerdpoettho (but like I really need a boyfriend) [J]ealous of: People with a Significant Other lol [K]illed someone: ......noooo? [L]ast time you cried: Probably last week I think [M]iddle name: Stephen [N]umber of siblings: 5. 3 older sisters and 2 older brothers. They’re all married too [O]ne wish: To be able to be with my friends more [P]erson I last called/texted: my BFF @datacenerdpoettho [Q]uestion you’re always asked: “Why are you so thirsty” (answer: because I need a boyfriend) [R]eason to smile: I’m getting close to finishing high school finally :) [T]ime you woke up: 7:41 AM (I like setting my alarm to weird times lol[I also usually have like 3 or 4 alarms, but not on Sundays]) [U]nderwear color: Light Red [V]acation destination: Anywhere with friends [W]orst habit: Getting stuck not feeling like doing anything for hours [X]-rays you’ve had: None [Y]our favorite food: Chicken or Mac n’ Cheese (especially Panera Bread’s Mac n’ Cheese.... hhhhhhh) [Z]odiac: Gemini

I tag @killer-tabby-kitty @gay0wulf @lakenrot @civildeath

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

Purpose

Purpose is a really hard thing to think about. If you think about it too much, you might come to the decision that your life is pointless. You are without purpose. Or maybe it wouldn’t be too hard to see what your purpose is because you have a stable environment that gives you plenty of opportunity to feel useful and full of purpose. Or maybe you do have a stable environment and you know what your purpose is, but you hate it and you feel worthless and miniscule. Maybe you feel trapped.

When I think of my purpose, I always have an answer right away in my mind. My purpose is to bring Joy to others. “That’s silly, anyone can do that.” I hear you say (Oh wait that was just my self doubt). And while that’s quite true anyone Can bring Joy to others, but not everyone has the time or innate ability to naturally bring others happiness and Joy. It comes naturally to me.

But I still have a problem when thinking of my purpose. As much as I’m thankful and glad to be confident in knowing what my purpose is, I feel as though I’m constantly failing at it.

How do I constantly fail at the one thing I know I’m good at?

I’m not making myself a very active and seen presence in the lives of my friends and family. I especially feel ashamed and a sense of pain in how little my presence is in the lives of my friends. I feel like I’m needed in each of their lives and feeling needed and wanted is a really good thing. But it turns against me because I don’t actively try as much as I could to be a bigger part of their lives. I hardly talk with most of friends. And because we’re a fairly far distance from each other, we barely see each other in person. And I feel responsible for that, because I feel pressure to make plans so that we can get together. I’m generally good at making plans that pull through too. But it takes a lot of energy out of me and I feel burnt out.

Do you ever miss someone so much, but you’re to ashamed or too tired to try to talk to them.

I feel like if I died everyone would miss me so much, but I already miss them and we’re all right here. And it’s my fault.

I miss them all so much, but I could fix it so easily. Except it’s not easy. It feels impossible. It feels terrifying.

How do I find so much time to do seemingly nothing for hours and hours, but I have absolutely no time for the important things. Why do I have no energy for anything important, but I can watch hours of “We are number one but…” videos.

Why can’t I just fix everything. Why can’t I just type “Hello”

I miss them… and it’s my own fault

I love you all

-L

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

I have a side blog!

I made a side blog where I reblog things that I like! Y’all should totally check it out and become secondhand furries or something XD

Here is is- https://a-random-gay-bunny.tumblr.com/

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

The Good Things

This is a story about…

There are lots of good things that I forget about when I get bogged down by all the stuff that isn’t good or that could be a lot better. So I need to remind myself of the good things especially now that Summer is over or almost over for mostly everyone.

So a huge thing for me happened at the beginning of the Summer, I got my very first phone! Yeah. If you’re there wondering… wait how old is this kid? Well I’m 18 now since June. So yeah I should’ve gotten my first phone a while ago. But I finally have one so it’s a huge thing for me.

Also at the same time that I got my phone I got a photo ID and a debit card. So I’m on my way to independence and that’s a really good feeling since up until this year I’ve had little to no independence. I still have quite a way to go before I’m mostly or totally independent. But it’s really good to finally be getting independence.

A pretty recent thing to happen to me is my parents understanding that they give off a lot of feelings of distrust toward me. For example: they put a password on our computer that I don’t know about a year ago. And after a year they were still apprehensive about taking the password off. We sat down and had a pretty long conversation about it and other things that they do that feels like they don’t trust me. And their reasons for locking me out of the computer were pretty sensible (but pretty controlling). But keeping me locked out of the computer for a whole year and acting like I’m untrustworthy after a year of patience. I won’t pretend like I’m a super mature or even a really mature person, but I am definitely more mature than I was a couple years ago or even just last year.

Anyway they took the password off and are being more sensitive and understanding about trusting me.

Moving away from my problems with my parents (I really do love my parents, but they have a lot of weird things and a lot of conservative views.)

I was really sad that I couldn’t see my friends this Summer because I was visiting family most of the Summer. But when I got home from visiting family I stayed with friends for a whole week, which was soooo good.

I also got obsessed with Pokémon Go (I mean who didn’t lol) and my friends live in a town with more than a dozen pokéstops in a small area. So for the whole week we were just walking around town pretty much everyday. It was awesome. (And uh… I kinda got a bit of a crush on someone that week by accident which would be on a list of good things except it kinda sucks cause I don’t really hang out with him and don’t really know him and don’t know what to do… sooooo oops.)

And now I’ve been home for a few weeks now and things are finally back to a pretty normal routine (which is gonna be gross later cause I get bored with routines). But I’m kinda glad to be doing school again so I can get done with that.

I also started seeing my therapist again last week and she missed me which felt awesome because I missed her and I’m so glad to be seeing her again.

And one last thing, I’m going to be learning ASL soon! I am SO excited! I Love ASL and I’ve been hoping to learn it for a long time.

So things are good, and I try to remember that so I don’t lose myself in the bad stuff. I hope anyone reading this can remember good stuff in their lives and I hope that there’s a lot of it.

Take care all

No matter what everyone else thinks

I love you all

-L the Bunny

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

I have good stuff I'm thankful for

This is a story about…

The good stuff in my life is unfortunately easy to forget. It’s really easy to get caught up in the bad shit that’s everywhere and forget about the good things that are right there too. So this is about the good stuff.

I wanna tell you about this historic coming out moment for me. This story happened a couple months ago. So before I left for music camp back in early Summer I had to get everything out of my room because we were having our floors sanded and re-finished because they were really old and super worn down. So when I got home from camp my room was completely empty, but I had asked my Mom to re-paint it while I was gone since the room would be completely empty for a week and I was sick of the color choices I had made when I moved into my room 2 years ago (I subconsciously chose the two colors of my childhood bedroom before and that’s nice but also kinda super depressing because that was back when I was hardcore denying that I’m gay and I think I was just wishing that I could go back to my childhood) ANYWAY. My room is empty and I need to figure out how I want my furniture set up this time (because I really love to rearrange the furniture). And uh… I seriously thought this was a good idea to use the space in my room well but it was also just stupidly ironic. I decided to put the head of my bed into my closet. Yeah. So my bed was in the closet and the rest of my furniture was still not in my room, but there was family over and I asked them to help me get the furniture into my room. So my older brother comes in and I’m telling him my plan for where I want everything to be and he’s just like… “I don’t think this is using the space in the best way possible. Especially since you can’t put clothes in your closet now.” So we start to make a new furniture plan and we make one that I like way better. And this new plan the bed is no longer in the closet. So we go to move the bed and he grabs the foot of the bed and I grab the head which is in the closet. So I’m physically in the closet and we have to get the bed out of the closet and swing it around. So we pick it up and start swinging it around and he asks me….. “Are you out of the closet yet?”… yes… yes I am. So now though I’m waiting to see if he’ll notice that he just made a closet joke. And he does and he says “Ha. Made an unintentional joke there.” And my sister was in the doorway and she starts dying. And I’m just standing there laughing with my siblings and I just cannot believe that we’re actually laughing at a gay joke. It was really awesome for me.

That was a long story for a short punchline. So I have more stuff but I’ll make another post later.

Take care all

No matter what everyone else thinks

I love you all

-L the Bunny (New name now. It fits me better and I like it ;P[you can just call me L])

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

My life is really wild and crazy right now

This is a story about…

TL;DR at the end. Please read everything if you have some time though.

So I haven’t been able to sit and chill for a good consistent amount of time in like 3 weeks. I’m feeling a liiiiiittle bit tired, and worn out, and like crying for a long time.

The start of my nonstop no chill month was great because I went to Laurel Music Camp for my third year and it is the absolute best place in the world with the best people. I wish I could go back because I don’t have problems at camp. Camp is better than regular life because at camp you can be your authentic self with a couple hundred other people being their authentic selves. And you don’t have to deal with your life problems. You can just leave those behind for a week and enjoy making music and loving people who are pretty much family. But you have to go home after the concert on Friday night. And you go back to facing your problems.

Backing up before camp a bit, I made the decision (with some help from my therapist) to come out to my whole immediate family back in April or May. It gave me so much relief to do that, but it also brought a lot of concern from my family and fear for my soul or whatever. Right now everyone is doing pretty well with my coming out (I have a really great story about something that happened the other week that relates to how good they’re doing[I think I’ll make another post about just that and probably other good things so you know that my life isn’t sooo shitty]). But I know that no matter how much they love and accept me, they won’t change what they believe in. Which is that gay marriage (Which is just Marriage) and gay sex are sins. So in the future we’re going to have some fun times when I start dating.

Now to the reason my life is so crazy and honestly scaring me a shit ton right now. Ever since I got back from camp my whole family has been in and out of the house and don’t get me wrong, I really love my family. If you met my family you would see they’re actually the most wonderful group of people (apart from not wanting me to marry someone I love in the future because it’ll be a man). When my family is together there is nonstop noise and that noise is laughter and loud talking and smiles and pure Joy. The reason this is bad for me is that I am in desperate need of getting back into a routine of school. And you have no idea how awful it is for me to say that. I Hate school. But I need to finish school. If I had finished school on time I would be done with school now. But here’s a fun thing that makes me hate myself and makes anything fun that I do less enjoyable. I haven’t started my senior year of high school yet. I was supposed to finish high school a month ago, but I’m still finishing my junior year. You can’t imagine how much pressure I feel from everyone and everything to finish high school. I desperately want to be done with school. But it’s mostly my fault that I’m not done and that I have to be behind all of my friends in the things that I’m doing. I can’t get a job because I’ll be focusing on school to much to do that. I can’t apply for colleges because I haven’t had time to look into colleges, I don’t trust myself or have confidence in myself that I’ll be able to do college, and I haven’t even taken the SAT’s. So I don’t want my family to be hanging out so much because I need to be getting school done.

But then it gets worse for me. I’m leaving state the day after tomorrow to visit family in Tennessee for 2 weeks. And not only am I going to be thinking about how much I need and want to do school, but it wasn’t my decision to be there for 2 whole weeks. My Mom decided that this would be a nice idea and I couldn’t change her mind. So I would be fine with visiting them and having fun, but not for 2 whole weeks. And on top of all of this is that I have barely seen my friends at all since the start of summer. And that might sound like a simple small unimportant complaint, but my friends are super important to me. I could not be the person I am today if not for my friends. My friends accepted me when I thought no one in my life would. They’ve given me confidence and I don’t think I would be as far out of the closet as I am if it weren’t for them. But most importantly they’ve made me happy time and time again and we’ve made so many memories in such a short time. When I think about what I’m looking forward to its always seeing my friends. My biggest fear is not being able to see them and that we will grow apart. And because of my family being here now, because of the trip I’m going on, and because of things that they’re doing this summer too, I don’t know when I can see them again.

So to break it all down and give a TL;DR, I’m terrified that I will take forever to finish high school and I have no idea where my future is. I haven’t seen my friends (who I love so much and are super important to me) in forever and I don’t know when I can see them again. I’m spending half of my summer with my family (who I love but nobody wants to spend Half of their summer with just family. That’s too much especially with my family). And as part of spending half of my summer with my family I’m leaving the day after tomorrow to go to Tennessee for 2 whole weeks and I’ll be spending that whole 2 weeks with just family and be like 1000 miles away from my friends.

And none of that even covers how I’m still a strong Christian, but I’m sick of my church and I desperately want to find my own church that shares what I believe and helps me enjoy going to church again.

So I can’t wait for my life to calm down and stop being a huge fucking mess. I really hope it happens in the near future.

Take care all,

No matter what everyone else thinks

I love you all

-Rainbow Fish

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

That awkward moment when...

This is a story about...

That awkward moment when you come out to your parents and the three of you sit in silence for 2 whole minutes...

And theeeeeen to make it better the first thing said is that, “ well as you can tell we don’t know what to say...” WOAH!!!! NO SHIT!!! My Dad spoke first of course because he was the least uncomfortable out of the 2 of them. Then the next thing he said was that one tends to wonder if my being gay is a possibility when you see the friends I hang out with. Yeah, I mean like I only either hang out with girls or queers, and like I have 2 actually straight guy friends lol. Then it got really weird because my Mom started talking and when she started talking my Dad stopped saying things, I’ve noticed that when my Mom is saying things that my Dad probably doesn’t agree with he stops talking because he wants to be supportive of his wife but he doesn’t really agree with what she’s saying. So rather than tell her that he doesn’t agree with her and state his views he just doesn’t say anything because he’s kinda scared of saying something that opposes what my Mom says because she can get scary pretty easily. Anyway my Mom starts talking and she starts questioning why I am telling them this. So I was like great this is annoying. But at least she took the denial route rather than the anger route. I read somewhere that parents who aren’t necessarily ok with gay people or their kids being gay will either start questioning their child’s identity and be in denial about it, or they’ll get angry about it. So I am glad that she took the better of the 2 routes.

So she starts questioning me, like “Why do you think you’re gay?” gee cause I like boys? Apparently that’s not enough? Clearly I’m confused because no good christian boy growing up in a good christian family can possibly turn out gay. So she was like, just because you like boys doesn’t make you necessarily gay. Suuuuure. Then she starts giving reasons why I shouldn’t be making the statement “I’m Gay” things like “You’re not old enough to know” “You’re being influenced by the gay friendly culture of our society and the internet”, yes... that’s it, the internet made me gay.... GENIUS! And I’m almost 18... how is THAT still too young, there are gay 6 year olds out there and if someone questioned their identity that would be weird.

But considering I thought she was going to either start yelling at me and saying things like “You can’t be gay! I didn’t raise my son to be that way!” and “God hates homosexuality! If you’re gay you’re going to hell!”, compared to that possibility she had a very good reaction. Neither of them have bothered me about it since I told them, and the only thing my Mom did after I told them was get a couple of books about homosexuality and the Bible, which is weird. And she also talked to a couple of her friends about it which I’m very glad that she thought to ask me if it was ok for her to talk to them about it first. I wouldn’t have expected that so that was really nice.

So in my last post I talked about my fears of coming out and desperately wanting to come out regardless of those fears. And I said that I wasn’t going to come out to my parents until after I turned 18 and had moved out. So it’s really weird for me that I came out to them even though I never planned on doing that so early. I came out to them because I felt like I had to. I felt this pressure building inside of me, in my body, in my head. All these thoughts at every hour of the day telling me I had to do it I had to come out just do it already. I felt like if I didn’t just hurry up and tell them already I would explode. The desire to come out to them was overwhelming and I knew that even if they didn’t accept me and if they had the worst possible reaction, that in the end it wouldn’t matter. Because I know who I am and I know that there are people who love me. I have a group of friends who love me for who I am, and even if the entire world hated me for some reason, it wouldn’t matter to me as long as my friends, my safety nest, my little bubble, as long as they still loved me, I know I would be fine.

I don’t know when I’m going to come out to the rest of my family and then everyone else, but I know that when I do that I’ll be fine and I’m ready to do that whenever it happens. My goal used to be to come out to all the people around me before my 19th birthday, but now I’m going to try for my 18th birthday. If that doesn’t end up happening that’s fine because I came out to my parents, and that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I will never have to do that again. That’s what I told myself over and over again after coming out to my parents, ”I will never have to do that again” and it helped me feel better. Because even though there are still reasons why it might have been better if I had waited to tell them, none of those reasons outweigh the fact that I did it and I don’t have to do it ever again. And that’s the biggest motivation you can have for doing something you don’t want to I think. If you just do that thing and get it done, it’s done and you don’t have to do it again. 

That’s all for now. If I could push a Come Out to All button and just have everyone know I was gay immediately, I would totally do it in a heartbeat. But coming out is a constant process that never ends throughout your life. Every time you meet someone new you have to come out to them. Hopefully one day no one will have to come out and we can just all be ourselves. But until that day we go on and we can only hope that we can make the world better someday.

Take care all,

No matter what everyone else thinks

I love you all

-Rainbow Fish

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

Wanting to break my closet door down

This is a story about…

I hate being in the closet. I hate the fear of my parents and family finding out before I’m “ready” to tell them. I hate wanting to tell them all, but feeling like they might not think of me the same way, or that they will be shocked to the point that they won’t want to be around me anymore. I want to tell them so bad, but there’s always that fear there.

I watch YouTube videos in my room at the end of the hallway on my tv, and I like to watch a lot of gay YouTubers and I try to turn the volume all the way down, but sometimes they all of a sudden will say something really loudly about gay rights or something anything gay, and I get scared that my Mom at the end of the hall heard it and that she heard all the times I watch gay videos and that she’ll confront me about it.

I tell myself all the time that when I come out they won’t care because it’s not a big deal and that they’ll realize that. I watch all these stories of other people that come out and their family and friends are all like “well duh, it sure took you long enough.” and I think about whether I should be waiting until I’m 18 and done with high school to come out. But then I remember how those are just some stories, that there are all these other stories about people who come out and their families completely hate them and never want to see them again. I tell myself there’s no way my family would ever do that to me, but something in the back of mind tells me that I don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe they will love and accept me fully. Or maybe they’ll hate the gay inside me and not be able to talk to me without confronting me about it.

I think about how I can probably tell my Dad anytime and he’ll be fine with it and will accept me being gay. He probably will because he knows a lot of queer people already and loves them for who they are. I made a friend recently who I’ve been seeing a lot lately, he’s a trans boy named Jacob. My Dad was driving me somewhere and brought him up casually and asked me about him like he asked me if Jacob would be getting surgeries in the future and so I told him that he probably would be and he didn’t say anything negative about that. He asked me about his family and he treated him like a person in our conversation and didn’t say anything against him or transphobic. So I ask myself why I haven’t told him about myself yet, but then I remember that I can’t tell him and not Mom because that would cause problems between them because he would want her to know too.

A few months ago my Mom was watching the 10 o'clock news and a story about Kim Davis came on and she couldn’t remember her name and I told her that it was the county clerk from Kentucky that wouldn’t do her job. She got so upset at me, and at the end of our argument about it she told me to my face that God hates homosexuality. I couldn’t believe she would say something so wrong. I wish she would be more understanding of other people that aren’t like her. I don’t think she would be quite as nice as my Dad if I talked to her about Jacob.

When I finish high school I’m going to look for a place I can move in to that I can afford and leave as soon as I can. Then when I’m in a different place I can come out to them and whatever reaction they have won’t matter because I’ll be safe. I wish I could know that they will have a good reaction, but I don’t think it will be a very good reaction when I break down the closet door.

It’s almost 2016 and I’ll be turning 18 this year. That terrifies me because I’m probably going to be finishing school this year and then I have to see if there’s somewhere I can go after I’ve graduated. And thinking about how my goal is to come out to everyone before my 19th birthday scares me because that’s only a year and a half away. I want to come out to everyone right now don’t get me wrong, but I’m scared that I won’t be able to find somewhere I can live after I graduate, or worse that I’ll get outed before I’m ready to come out and everything will go horribly wrong.

I just hope everyone will accept me and love me the same way they always have after I come out.

Happy New Year

Take care all,

No matter what everyone else thinks

I love you all

-Rainbow Fish

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

How conservative Christians react to a boy with a Pink Purse

This is a story about... 

My parents are pretty awesome, but they are also really conservative Christians. My Mom wouldn’t say she hates gay people(because basically hate is against our religion), but she really REALLY doesn’t like gay people. My Dad is super outgoing and is friends with quite a few queer people so he’s a little more ok with gay people, but he still would strongly say that it’s wrong. 

I can describe the difference between my parents by telling you how they reacted individually to my pink purse. I got my purse in this little shop far from my home, my parents weren’t with me because my Mom would never let me get a pink purse. I got back home in my state and I didn’t mention that I had gotten a pink purse while I was away, I just wanted to let them find out eventually. My Dad saw it first, I had displayed it on my bed the day after I got home, and he came up the hallway and was telling me something and when he was done he looks over at it and says “What’s this?” and I said “it’s mine” and he just looks at me and says “…okay…” and leaves. It was pretty great. Later in the evening my Mom goes up to my room and puts some clothes of mine down and she comes out and she starts asking me what that pink bag on my bed is, and I tell her it’s mine and she starts to question everything, she’s wondering why I have it, why would I get it, did I spend money on it, was it given to me. Let’s just say she did not approve and she probably thought I was crazy. 

I love both of my parents though, and not just because I love everyone and they're my parents so I have to love them. 

I got my pink purse this summer when I was away from home. I was on a mission trip with my Youth Group and they had a little shop at the camp site we were staying at. Mostly we would go to the store to buy soda and Klondike bars, but they had these handmade bags from Thailand and I saw the pink purse and I knew I wanted it. It was like it was calling me. So I bought it and I walked out fully prepared to never show anyone, so I did the logical thing you do when you want to hide something, I shoved it under my shirt and acted like nothing was happening. But I saw a couple of my girlfriends and they asked what I had just bought, and not wanting to lie I sheepishly pulled it out from under my shirt. They thought it was hilarious which I was cool with. I decided I wouldn't hide it so that night I walked around with it on my arm as though it was completely normal. Several people didn't have any problem with it, they were all girls of course. I began to see from people's reactions that girls were more accepting in general of a boy with a purse and the guys weren't. A couple guys told me up front that it was degrading for a guy to have a purse, and most of the other guys just thought it was really weird and thought I was joking. One guy, who I think is deeply closeted, asked me if it was for my mother, and I told him it was for me. He told me to take it back or give it to my mother when I got home. 

After I got home and my parents found out about my purse I started taking it with me to lots of places, after I had filled it with all the wonderful things you can put in it. Girls take their purses for granted, you can keep so many things in them and guys just don't usually have anything besides pockets to put things in. Anyway as the weeks went by most of the people realized quickly that this was my purse and I was going to take it around everywhere. A couple people, like ahem the deeply closeted insecure guy, continued to tell me to give it to my mother or just told me that it was wrong for a guy to have a purse, and a PINK one at that. I proceeded to tell them that society tells them that guys shouldn't have purses and that colors are not gender specific. Also some of them told me flowers were girly and I just went and told them that God made flowers and flowers are beautiful. It was the center of a lot of conversations for quite a while and even after I had had it for quite a few weeks people still didn't understand why and thought it was weird. Eventually everyone accepted that I'm just super weird and lots of them probably think I'm gay which is fine, cause it's true. It's still brought up occasionally like someone will look at me with my purse and say something about me being special or they'll ask how my purse is doing, I never answer that one cause it doesn't really make any sense. 

I don’t take my purse to church services because we have a fairly large congregation and I don’t want dozens of adults staring at my purse and judging me, plus it wouldn’t go with any of my church clothes. I’d say I’m pretty confident and I don’t really care what other people think, but I still don’t like having a lot of people looking at me and judging me. 

Take care all,

No matter what everyone else thinks

I love you all

-Rainbow Fish

[theboywiththepinkfloralpurse]

Who's this kid with a pink purse

This is a story about…

I thought I’d introduce myself by telling you a bit about myself. I’m a 17 year old boy who has been a Christian his whole life, and realized about 4 years ago that I like boys. It’s pretty tough to be a 13 year old Christian who thinks he might be gay. But that’s a story for another day…

I have 4 cats and love em’ to death. I’m a huge nerd, I love Doctor Who, Supernatural, Sherlock, Star Wars, PC gaming, Avatar the Last Airbender(and Legend of Korra of course). I’m also a huge music nerd as well. My parents are musicians and my Mom taught me and all my siblings how to play the piano. We all started at age 6, so we’ve been ingrained with music all our lives. As well as playing the piano I sing, to make me even more gay I sing Countertenor which is basically a fancy term that means I sing like a girl. I also love clothes and shoes, yup I’m basically a teenage girl. I could tell you all about my new clothes and my pair of Mediterranean Blue Converse I got a couple weeks ago… but I won’t, the 3 rules one of my older friends uses are a good explanation, 1) Nobody cares 2) Nobody Cares! and 3) Nobody cares only goes so far.

I have a big family. I have 5 siblings, 3 sisters and 2 brothers, I’m the youngest. All of them are married, well almost, my brother is getting married this Fall and then I will be the only one not married, and if and when I do get married my church will probably have an outrage, and I won’t care.

I also have ADD and that’s why this introduction is so all over the place and has like 0 structure to it. I really hate food, except chocolate and Panera’s Mac n’ Cheese, it’s heavenly. Anyway… That’s me. If you follow rule 3 and care to know more you can ask me.

Take care all, No matter what everyone else thinks I love you all

–Rainbow Fish