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[thedecemberthoughts]

On everything and anything during the quarantine so far...

April 23, 2020

There are many things i am currently worried about, and it seems that its so much that i cannot identify each of them. I have been thinking over many things, and i cannot keep up. I worry about what i can do to keep myself motivated. I worry about what i can do to keep myself moving, and not just on my phone. I think about projects i can do, but never find the motivation to do them. I am worries about the things i applied for, and if they will get cancelled. I am still hoping that i get the artist residency in Liepzig, Germany but i won’t know that until may when they send the emails. Or when i check the website, and they’ve announced the participants. I hope i do get in. I know i can provide work that can truly be called art. But i know i should also leave room for disappointment, and as i dough, the more i worry about the results. I hope later today,

you find things to drive you to do the things you plan to. To finally 3D model again, to dra the portraits you havent, to research about lights so you can have a set up in your room. To try and move the uniqlo paper bags from the back of the cabinets, into the big suitcase. To continue learning german, and maybe have a practice partner soon. 

May 21, 2020

I haven’t left the house for about 60 days now. I haven’t really gone crazy, and to be fair, i am quite enjoying being home. I do miss human contact; i want to be hugged. I think if anything, i miss the weight and warmth of another person. I often hug my parents, but hugging someone without them hugging back is a totally different feeling. I think im okay. For the most part, i think everything is fine. But if im being honest, i know im mostly keeping it in, and pushing it down. I think im going crazy, but unlike everyone else, its not because im locked in. 

I wish i knew how to be honest for everything. I hope i find the courage to come out to Floris soon, and i hope nothing bad happens to our friendship when i do. I think once everyone i care about knows im Bisexual, id been less anxious. Hiding this from everyone, i think is keeping me so tightly wound. 

The sleepless nights keep coming. i hope it gets fixed soon. Ive been enjoying getting to know Lucas during the late/early times though. I hope we become better friends. He’s really nice and i enjoy his company. Hopefully soon we get to call and i can finally talk to him and hear him speak. I know he’s not gay but hey, he’s also a nice guy to have as a potential boyfriend; of course thats not my main point. I like him because he can be as passionate about design as i am. And besides, hes just really fun to get to know. I hope that doesn’t die down soon. 

I also haven’t heard about the German Artist Residency. I still am sparing it a bit of hope, despite this i know the news that i wasn’t chosen, though might be predictable, will crush me. By all means i really wish i get to go. In this weird times, its a sliver of hope that i am craving. 

What really tugs on my heart is how little friends i seem to have; which i can’t seem to prove because i do care about some people, and i talk to a few from time to time. But being someone’s second or spare option is something i feel no one i know really gets. Being someone who doesn’t really belong in a group of friends, and who doesn’t fit in with their circles, as much as i have endured living it, crushes me more each day. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Can i be someone’s first choice, main priority, someone’s person for once? I love being there for people but why can’t i have someone be there for me? Its a hirt i can’t seem to ease, and each day it throbs even harder. I hope i get over this, or find a solution soon. 

Will my death even matter at this point? I’m not thinking of killing myself, but it makes me think. Do people actually care about me enough to want me to stay alive? Well yes sure. thats easy. i think for most people who know someone, they wouldn’t wish death on them. But does it really matter if its only hypothetical. In these situations, perhaps actions can speak louder than words indeed.

Bottomline, i guess i just want attention from someone who willingly and pointedly wants to give it to me. To be appreciated despite my discomfort with being appreciated. To be noticed, and to finally be visible. I crave to be someone’s. But for now i guess a tight hug from my best friend (which is impossible because he’s in fucking Germany right now), or from one of my other friends. To have a caring person envelop me in their arms, and radiate warmth from their hearts to mine. Is that too much to ask? 

I want someone to care for me as much as i care for them. 

May 27, 2020

Why the fuck am i so fucking gay? Also why do i want to have friends so bad, only to push them away before they fuckin leave me? I want to die and i hate this life. Or maybe i just don’t want this particular life anymore. 

It seems that despite all my efforts to leave this life behind, something keeps drawing me in. I know in these cases, it mostly means that theres something i am not answering to. In the heroes journey cycle its believed that until the hero answers the call, it will keep beckoning for him to acknowledge and do something about it. (this shit is gonna sound so fucking gross when i read this back, but man. do i care?). anyway, It seems i am stuck in this cycle, and to be able to leave all this behind, i have to acknowledge or do something. Am i so stupid oblivious to know what it is? I wanna fucking die. 

Why does my heart hurt too? how is this fair. I hate being so ugly, and so unattractive. Fuck this life… what am i doing wrong. Besides, why can’t i be transparent with people? why do i keep putting up personas to everyone i meet. ITS NOT FUCKING COOL. and above all, its so exhausting. I seriously need help…

[thedecemberthoughts]

On Today

07.28.19

SUNDAY

15:13

I am very sad. Also overwhelmed and worried. I don’t understand a lot of things, but I do understand this: I am in under so much pressure, induced by a lot of external stimuli, leading me to shut down. I know some of the pressure came from me not doing things, and i know its bad to push blame to others… but i cannot… 

I might not be making sense but i just needed to write things because i cannot think straight anymore. Theres no one to tell because, who would care? I just want to tell someone. Or to let it all out. I need a decent outlet, and I need to just.. release everything I’ve been keeping inside. Perhaps I’m not doing that right now, what with e being very vague and all, but I do know that… I just need to do something. I need to not feel helpless; to have a sense of control. I also need… or want, rather… to have someone who I can talk to, someone to listen to me, to talk to me when I can’t talk, someone to care for me the way I care, too. 

I hate feelings. Maybe nothing is wrong with me, and I’m just overreacting. Maybe it’s human to feel this overwhelmed when you’re dealing with this much going on. At least i have hope that this will all get better. At least there’s hope.

[thedecemberthoughts]

this is legiterally me

[thedecemberthoughts]

On Anger and Hate

07.21.19

SUNDAY

03:12

Theres a video I watched yesterday by Drew Gooden (a Viner turned YouTuber) who shared his thoughts on the virtual social environment. His main subject for the video was that “everyone is angry”. I first found it funny, but eventually as I started agreeing with his driving points, I started ask myself why I was agreeing to what he’s saying, and what were the possible causes to this accumulation of anger? 

Looking into it, these people who are angry it seems, care too much over something. So much so that this passion they have for that something leads to them searching for a way to express it. With media being so accessible, and anger one of the easiest trigger for an instant release, I thought that perhaps, this fire— this passion— that these people have, are what causes all the anger. I find that the anger manifested in todays society is care being misplaced. We get too caught up in what we love, or what we care for that we get lost in trying to it get across to other people. WIth everything headed in the direction of being instantly available or done, our thought process and behavior seem to adapt in the same way. Our body and minds start finding instant relief, and instant outlets. This I find, leads to our response to any minor inconvenience or disagreements as being angry.

Im not saying anger is bad. In some instances, it is good fuel. I just find it exhausting to have so much of it, and to spend your time being it. Its easy to forget these days I guess, that we can take our time before we react to something. As Dean Francis Alfar wrote, “there is time for everything”, and i find that we often forget or disregard that. With the waves of trends coming in and out so quickly, we have become afraid to lose our chance to join. We have developed an irrational fear to be irrelevant to stranger we never met. To not be in the know of things we ourselves have created. 

As to all the things I ever observe, I find it quite sad to realize that the energy we could conserve if we just stepped back a moment (and if not always, occasionally), we could be less exhausted. In the world where running after trends have become a norm, and that standing up for your own opinions have become way too easy, I hope we find the time to sit back down and take a moment. Just breathe and consider the things we do. and perhaps with that we can realize that the hate we give, and the anger we use to fuel ourselves, can be transformed and used in a more positive way. That we can create more change, find hope, and live easier if we just step back.