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The loneliest alone

Hm, the past few months have been probable one of the hardest emotionally. Every day practically I'm hoping not to wake up the next just in that off chance it happens. I've been trying to get back into work which is a huge personal thing for me and I've been denied over 10 times. It's getting really disheartening, to make matters worse I'm starting to loose trust in people around me and I'm starting to believe they are out to fuck and use me. Currently the girl that my mind and body wants apparently promises me we will. Be together and blah blah then disappears, it's really fucking with my abandonment issues. I just want to be held and loved by someone, I just want to be loved.

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Fuck.

Tonight's the worst one of then all. I feel the most alone. I litterally don't see myself without you. Fuck I wish you wanted me as much as I want you.

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I fucking deleted the first one.

I just don't get it. Why can't I let go? Is it because everyone around me as someone that reminds me of you specifically. Why you? Everyone says let go. I can't it physically hurts me and I don't know how. Everyone says to just move on. I can't I'm trying. I'm trying so so hard, I can barley get through my days now? Why am I getting affected this much by your presence to your absence? Am I just stuck?. Fuck I just want that feeling again. I've looked and looked. I get close but just it was the best feeling being with you. It beat any drug anything. Just being by you.

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I'm starting to lose hope.

I'm Starting to lose hope in my life. Starting to really want death, really want to just end this existence. I promised so many I wouldn't, but the demons won't rest. I feel extremely insignificant and unwanted. I just push away people that do and when they come in I nit pick and push them away. I applied at countless jobs and positions. Nothing. I fucking regret so much that I was there to take your downfall. I really wish I had income, I wish I could get back on my medication to just fucking feel something other wanting to kill myself. I guess happiness isn't a thing for me anymore. Ever since you left.. I fucking miss you.

I keep grabbing my phone hoping and praying that I get at least one message from you. I don't know why or how you have this hold on me but it's suffocating me.

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Why am I not enough?

All that plays in my head over and over, is your not good enough. Your not good enough to get that job, your not good enough to even hold a basic relationship with a girl. I'm barley holding on to relationships I have with my friends. I try my best to be supportive in every sense of the word a b there for them. I wish I actually felt attractive and wanted. It was litterally the best feeling in the world knowing every single second of the day they wanted you. I want them back, I want to feel that happiness that has been missing from my life for so long. It would have been 4years last week. They felt like a lifetime and now I see you with someone else wishing I was them. I fell in love with the person you are and all the flaws that you have to come with it. I want to help you become that person you want to be. I just know you will never see this or see me for who I am :/. I want to be released of this curse.

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Why does it kill me?

Why does it kill me to see you happy like this? I'm so happy, but sit here crying over and over about you. I'm so happy to see he makes you happy like that. Why am i stuck to you? Is it cause I still hope. I want to be with you back so fucking badly. More than anything. I. Miss you so fucking much. I'm chasing highs to reach the happiness that you Gave me but I'll Never get it. Noone, no thing, drugs, sex, music. Nothing replaces that void you left. I fucking miss you so much. I never thought I found my soul mate until you and it won't fucking leave. Seeing you with him, why do I still hold on? I've never had this issue with anyone else ever but I feel so strong with you. I would give up 100 lives to just spend 1 with you. Fuck that last line broke me. Fuck.

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I hope he treats you like I would.

I hope he makes you happy like I would try my hardest too. I hope he puts that smile on your face that I love. I hope he treats you with the most unconditional love that you deserve. The way you talked about him today is how I want to be talked about.

I will just sit here behind the curtain rooting for your happiness while dying inside. You are my soul mate, I say this because the feelings came back 10 fold months and months later. Why? You even told me to my face that you love me still. I just don't understand how you are going to go about this relationship with this " love" for your ex and try to build a new love. I root for it anyway.

I just miss your energy, your vibe, the way you calm my demons without me even knowing. I wish you would take a step back and slow down because your jumping into all this without thinking. I hope you find what your looking for because I'm just looking for you.

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Why do I still care?

Every single day I feel like the emotion I have towards you teeters and swings. Why? Why can't I just move on? Why can't I stop looking at pictures? Why can't I stop talking about the things you like and the things we used to do? This is a God damn nightmare that I'm living. I can't ever let go of you and it kills me. It fucking kills me. I wish I could let go. I do want you more than anything, but I know that you are toxic for me and won't help me grow. Fuck

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Volcanoes on drugs

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Holy shit!

I really want to fucking die now. I will never have the love of my life back, I lost my fucking dream job, unlovable, and a fuck up who has no future awesome. Its times like these where I miss her most because she would even make sure I never got this low. No matter the cost. I really want to fucking disappear. My experiences have shown me that suicide isn't the way and it's worse for other, but is it really? It is. That's the worst thing, do I live for my pain because for others or give in and help myself and hurt them. Fuck.

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Disneyland - August 1969 by Larry Syverson We visited Disneyland in August 1969. We spent 15 hours at the park and didn’t leave until the park closed at 1:00am. We rode 22 rides. The Matterhorn with the People Mover and the Skyway rides.

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I'm realizing something..

I'm not happy with myself, I think I am but I'm not. I try and tell myself all the time I'm not happy with how I look. How do I change it to what I like? Maybe what I liked depended on what someone else liked ? I realized that my entire life I've always reflected my closest peers in looks to make sure I fit in. I was that kid. I am that kid still sadly. I wish I felt comfortable on my own.

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I only wish you knew

I wish you knew how much my mind races when I hear your name. Your name still causes my heart to skip that beat, it's something that I haven't felt in so long and I feel so dead without it. I really want to feel you in my arms again, your kiss on my lips and your touch on me. This will never happen, emotions tore you away and now your stuck in something you say you don't like, but you keep going. He's already controlling you and you think it's okay because you like him. I just hope at some point you realize that, you and I were meant for each other, our souls are confused and lost. That understanding we had that I've never experienced or seen before is gone, trying to build it up with someone who doesn't want to out the same effort you did. I would love to be loved again, like you used to love me. I would love to see your smile again the second I wake up, love to feel your touch, love to just be around you again because you fucking completed me. I walk around now half of a person trying to fill it up with the best shards I got. Those shards are to shattered to fix this cup, I wish I had you now because you would know how to make this pain go away...

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Honestly~

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Frozen waiting

".. Now we are held together by a thread.." I honestly don't know what hurts me most, knowing the fact that you still have feelings for me and you proved it to me by kissing; or the fact that you hide our interactions and existence. I finally started to break away from the spell you had on me. It's very hard because you shaped me so much into who I am today, especially with the quirks and kinks. I've asked myself over, over and over again if I could/ would take you back. I tell me self no I'm strong and ready to move on, then bam face to face, you know me so well and I know you so well we understood each other so well. When I got close and you kissed me everything in my body like clicked back on. I have emotions, I'm so confused and frustrated about this whole situation. I'm starting to realize what I like about each person and realize that I have to rebuild that relationship again. Is it worth it to do again? Or is this going to happen again...? I hope i don't fuck anything up..

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What People Think Polyamory Is:

Super sexy orgies literally all the time.

What Polyamory Really Is:

Whose hair is this??