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You're Curious About Porn

All right, so. You’re curious about porn. You’re curious about it, but you’re also terrified that you’re going to accidentally stumble upon, like, horse porn by mistake in your searches. Or you’re wary that so much of porn is gross/degrading/aimed at a very specific audience that you do not fit into, and the whole ordeal just seems mad intimidating. GIRL. I’ve been there. Because I like you a lot, and because with old age (I’m 23) comes wisdom (I’m an OLD 23), I’m going to pass along a few tried-and-true tips for exploring online porn in a SMART way. Lesdoit:

Maybe you’re not dealing with the right porn. For example, I much prefer to read porn than to watch it. Fellow readers — literotica.com is where it’s at! Also: freebestsexstories.com, lushstories.com. True story: I read 50 Shades of Gray BEFORE it was a book, because it started as a DIRTY TWILIGHT FANFICTION. I’m not proud of it, but I thought you needed to know.

If you don’t think the men or women are hot in the videos you’re coming across, try searching for a SPECIFIC porn star — lots of websites do roundups of the “hottest” ones, so scroll through and pick from there.

If the themes of the videos or stories are freaking you out, try sifting through them by category. Most videos are tagged, and searching by tag can make for at least a less RANDOMLY terrifying experience.

If you’re disgusted by how degrading porn seems, especially to women, then perhaps feminist porn is a better fit for you. Here’s a roundup of some great feminist porn outlets: http://www.bustle.com/articles/10042-feminist-porn-101-your-guide-to-empowering-sexytimes

And, hey, it’s possible that you just don’t like porn. Lots of people don’t. That’s très normal. You’re probably a more productive person for it, and for that, I commend you.

Xo, Rebecca

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How to Not Be a Dick to Homosexuals

The very vague topic of today’s blog is sexual orientation, and I spent some time thinking about what exactly I wanted to talk about. I considered writing a how-to-come-out guide, but that’s such a circumstantial thing, and I can’t speak with personal authority on it. Ditto gay and lesbian sex tips; plus, those are pretty Google-able.

  Here’s what I’d like to do: I’d like to take this time to talk to my fellow heterosexuals about how not to be a total dick to people who AREN’T straight.

  Allow me to be clear: 1. This isn’t because I want to exclude everyone else — god, no! I just think that, way too often, the burden falls on the LGBTQ community to deal with straight folks’ ignorant (if not always malicious) questions about sex, sexuality, and gender identification. As a straight person trying to be a BETTER person, I’d like to try to take that on today.

And, 2. I’m not saying ALL STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES. (I’m straight! I like me!) But I do think — and this is from personal experience — that when you fit into the “norm” (so to speak) like a straight person does, it’s easy to accidentally offend people who lie outside that zone.

Again, I’M NOT SAYING YOU’RE BEING A JERK ON PURPOSE, or even that you’re being a jerk at all! I’m just asking you to be open to the possibility that even if you’re the least hateful person ever, it’s still totally possible that you’ve accidentally said or done something that hurt someone else’s feelings. That’s something you want to avoid, right?

Great. Me too. So here are some quick thoughts on how to do just that:

Just because your friends who are gay call things “sooo gay” all the time doesn’t mean that you can. I used to get really prickly when people told me I shouldn’t use certain words. “I’m a WRITER,” I would say. “I believe in ALL THE WORDS.” And then I wised up and realized that, when someone who’s gay says, “That’s so gay,” it’s OK because they’re taking a once-negative phrase and reclaiming it in a positive, identity-affirming way. When I say, “That’s so gay,” I just sound like an oppressive, straight jerk who’s making fun of gay people. Even if I don’t mean to make fun of anyone, it still sounds like that, and that’s not cool.

If someone you care about is closeted, don’t insist on them coming out. It’s really easy to say “The truth will set you free!” when you’re straight and your personal “truth” is the widely accepted default situation. If someone you love is gay or trans, always remember that it’s their call if they want to come out — don’t pressure them.

  Don’t bombard anyone with creepy sex questions, ever. Here’s a must-watch making fun of the crazy shit straight people say to lesbians: http://www.buzzfeed.com/amandaholland/if-lesbians-said-the-stuff-straight-people-say

  Don’t reduce your friend to Your Gay Friend. Ugh, you know what I’m talking about — those girls who are like, “This is my gay best friend!” HE CAN JUST BE YOUR NORMAL BEST FRIEND, YOU KNOW!

  If you take anything away from this, just remember: whether or not you think someone’s being too sensitive, whether or not you meant to make anyone feel badly, the truth is that it’s REALLY EASY to accidentally say something insensitive — and, if you do, the very best thing you can do is to acknowledge that you are responsible for hurting their feelings, apologize for it, promise to learn from it, and move on. That goes for your loved ones who are gay or trans or bisexual or asexual or pansexual; that goes for the adored persons of color in your life. A little humility and a little kindness can go a long way in helping everyone to feel as comfortable muddling through their lives as you do.

Xo, Rebecca

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