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[thefeministintheroom-blog]

Am I Evil? Yes I am... A Critical Analysis of Heteronormativity.

I’m not here to talk about the slow downfall of Metallica’s albums, and like this song, the idea is not my own. It’s been done before and written about before. I’m not here to talk about music at all, I'm here to talk about the evil concept of the heteronormative system. However, just like music.. heteronormativity is another one of the patriarchy's greatest hits. This is my experience growing up around heteronormativity. 

From a young age, we are taught how to walk, talk, act, dress and behave. We are taught manners, “yes thank you, no thank you and please”. We are taught right from wrong, and we are even taught morals. But, most of all.. we are taught from a young age how to perform our gender and what is normal. First, I will talk about binary concepts introduced to children from a young age, how that progresses, and finish with the Modernization of The Cog in the Machine.. in this case, the machine is heteronormativity.

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The Gender Reveal

Congratulations! It’s a... Before the precious bundle of joy enters your world, you hold the classic gender reveal party to announce to the world what gender your baby is. The balloon pops and the colourful confetti spills out revealing the anticipated gender. Pink means girl, blue means boy. When you have a girl, from the beginning you see presents filled with frilly pink dresses, toys expertly chosen in the form of easy bake ovens, kitchen sets, dolls and vacuums. If it’s a boy, the presents are here to remind you that you like blue, dinosaurs, monster trucks and like to fix things with tools. Of course, these constructs of gender would not be complete without disciplinary practices in place. Young ladies must be modest, and keep their movements close to their bodies. Those dresses bought for you should be worn, but only if you keep your legs crossed. Young boys? that set of tools you got for Christmas are meant to put your emotions into your work since you cannot show them, and do not even think about wearing colours “meant” for girls! Now that the early constructs of gender have begun, they can continue outside of the home when we send them off to school.

                                     The Binary Norms of Children

When our children are in the early stages of forming relationships with other children, society constructs normativity within those interactions. When young girls form friendships with young boys, we instruct them that they’re innocent playtime together is “flirting” and insisting they must be “crushing” on one another and deem it appropriate to joke around about being “boyfriend and girlfriend”. Playdates become sexualized, and the children are none the wiser. 

In our schools, children are faced with the structure of assigned bathrooms. You must only go into the bathroom of your gender, or else you will be disciplined. This extends to gym class, and locker rooms. Those little stick figures on the door are there to remind you that you have a place, and that place is binary and unchangeable. However, there is one place that both genders come together without repercussions. Health class, and the mandatory subject of sex education. Here, you will find more about your gender and a (very) brief introduction to sexuality. Children are taught that heterosexual sex is the norm and that females have vagina’s and males have the word the entire class cannot hear without giggling. You’ll discover that in order to conceive, the act of heterosexual sex is needed. As a woman, you endure menstruation and yeast infections; and your sexual organs are labelled solely as “vagina”, because, of course, the act of sex is only meant to conceive, and not for pleasure. As a man, you are now appointed as the superior gender. Without you, there would be no way for the act of conception to exist! You are the life creator. Therefore, as a male, you must be with a female, and vice versa. 

Marriage is also something that you should do, it’s preferred if you’re going to start a family.. you are going to start a family aren’t you? A nuclear family is needed to be happy and obey heteronormativity. One man, one woman and one, plus a half..children. Children are taught that love means marriage, it means presenting the one you love with a diamond ring, having a wedding, and making sure people see it happen, that is also very important. Now, we are back at the start... a child with a pre-determined gender.

                                               Pink vs. Blue, The Binary Colours

Now that we’ve determined that as a child you are either pink or blue, wrong or right, male or female. Well, you could say what’s the discourse here? You’re born with a vagina, you’re a girl; a female. If you’re born with a penis, you’re a boy; a male. Right? That’s determined through ultrasounds, gender reveals and finally birth. It seems easy enough. Except, surprise! the doctor hands you the bundle of joy and you notice one thing... actually two things. Your baby is... a girl-boy? 

But..what bathroom will they go in? What department will they shop at in the clothing store? How will they know what colour they are! The doctor informs you that you need to make a decision either now, or later. You must choose which gender your child will become. How can you know you’re not choosing their gender based on what you want? How do you know you haven’t fallen into the mechanics that is heteronormativity? Because you didn’t even believe it was possible for your child to be anything except their gender, be anything other than male or female, and stay that way.

The Heteronormative Wheel

Think of normativity as a power structure, a manufactory process. The main goal is to keep the mechanics of the system running smoothly. As long as things are running smoothly, your superior is happy, and therefore, everyone around is happy. Let’s say a foreign object makes its way into the wheel that keeps the assembly line going. A wedge if you will. When a smoothly running operation is stopped, a reaction begins. Human nature is to instantly try and fix the problem, and understand why it happened. When the wedge is discovered and the foreign object is removed, things can return to normal and run smoothly again. When you’re a being that defies normativity, you are that wedge. No one is certain how the wedge got there, but, it has put a stop to the smooth running operation. The wedge is a direct threat to not only the cog it’s placed into, but the entire system, it does not belong. That wedge must be removed to get rid of the threat. That wedge is now an “Other”. As someone who continue’s to fight for the smooth running operation, congratulations.. you’re a cog. Another cog in the turning wheel of heteronormativity.

Fighting Back Against The System

Now that we know that a simple wedge can cause such a “disruption”, however, it is only a mere hiccup. To break down the system as a whole, you need more wedges. Placing one big wedge into the system is easy to remove and begin the process over again. So, a different approach is needed. Slowly, over time... small slivers of wedges are strategically placed one by one into the spinning wheel of cogs, small enough to slow production but it goes unnoticed. Eventually, the cogs cannot keep turning and eventually stop, the rest of the cogs have the same fate until the system itself cannot turn, starts to overheat and breaks down and can no longer run as it once did. Chances are, after wearing down those cogs cannot be replaced. Perhaps now it is time to re-build that system but in another way. If there is always going to be something to cause a disruption to the system, it would be more sensible to find a way to work with the “disruption” rather than always removing it. Perhaps it is time to re-imagine how the system runs altogether and not think of the wedges as disruption at all, but as a way to critically think about the system itself.

[thefeministintheroom-blog]

Teach boys about periods

My mother also talked about periods to my brothers.

When I first got mine I had terrible cramps. Crippling cramps. I once was camping with my family and a few of my big brother’s friends when my period came. My cramps were so bad that my mom gave me a full pain killer ( I was 13 and before that she only gave me pills cut in half).

I literally laid down on my parents’ air mattress and cried in pain for an hour before the pill kicked in.

My brothers friend came in to the big tent and I was just curled up and sobbing. Now, I was quite the tomboy and was known to rough house with my brothers and their friends and made sure I wasnt seen as just “a little girl.” So my brother’s friend was confused to see me openly weeping in the fetal position (seriously, these were the worst cramps I have had in my life. My vision went white). He asked what was wrong with me.

My big brother stood up immediately and suggested a nice long hike. During this hike I am sure he had a pretty awkward conversation with his friend explaining menstrual cramps, because when they got back the pain pill had (mostly) kicked in and I was sitting up at a table when my brother’s friend sheepishly asked me if I was feeling better. I said I was better, and he said good.

When we made s'mores that night my brother and his friend kept me well supplied with chocolate.

Making sure sons know as much about periods and menstruation as daughters makes them better brothers, better sons better fathers, and better men. A man that understands a period will not lightly accuse a woman of “being on her period” if the woman is in an argument.

Raise better sons Teach them about normal bodily functions.

[thefeministintheroom-blog]

❤️

having short hair doesn’t make me basically a man not wearing makeup or shaving my legs doesn’t make me basically a man rarely or never wearing skirts doesn’t make me basically a man preferring underwear, shoes or other clothes marketed as “men’s” doesn’t make me basically a man working in stem (science, technology, engineering or math) doesn’t make me basically a man being talented at logic and “systematizing” doesn’t make me basically a man loving women doesn’t make me basically a man taking up space doesn’t make me basically a man being assertive doesn’t make me basically a man

all of these things put together still don’t make me basically a man

women are discouraged from and punished for doing these things, but women have done them anyway for as long as it’s been possible, and we always will.

all of these are wonderful and entirely legitimate ways to be a woman. don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[thefeministintheroom-blog]

[thefeministintheroom-blog]

A (Not so) Brief Introduction

As I lay there completely butt naked on my bed in between an extremely anxious English bulldog and a cat who couldn’t give two shits about anything today, I couldn’t help but identify with both of them in that moment.  That's the exact moment that I found feminism.

Okay, so you may be thinking right now where the is she going with this?  Trust me, I thought the same thing.. so let me take you back a bit to catch you up.

The past few weeks have been my idea of hell (or whatever is beyond that). If overthinking and stressing was an actual career I could make millions by now. I feel I’ve gotten to that point in my life where I feel so betrayed by my own self. ME.. I betrayed ME. I wanted to have my own voice and be bold just like every feminist or activist I've read about but everything I’ve been thinking or doing or even thinking of doing seemed completely out of reach. Why? I’ve been trapped by my own mind into thinking I can’t possibly achieve anything fulfilling as a career at this point.

On one hand, I already have a semi good paying job that allows me to live slightly above comfortably and allow me to do things like have “edgy” hair and buy fancy vegan cheeses (You know,the important things in life). Oh and paying off my life crippling debt.  On the other hand it seems everything I want to do involves going back to school in some way, or needs years of experience in that field. Was I happy in that job you ask? Can anyone be happy selling their souls in the constant hotel California idea that is mall retail? It’s the song that almost everyone knows! “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave”.  Sad but true.. yes I’m aware I just totally made a joke with two songs there.. And yes I may or may not have done it on purpose.

Now I know you’re probably wondering when does the whole anxious, terrified of the world bulldog and detached, aloof cat come in to feminism? Just like my precious furry friends I have always been scared of what life could throw at me in everything that I did. I don’t know about you, but once I got deeper and deeper into the empowerment it suddenly started clashing with how I felt about my own job, and others I've applied to.  I felt stuck in the middle of a patriarchy sandwich at work and even within my own life and choices I've made.

It seemed no matter where I turned, hiding around the corner was patriarchy.. the greatest obstacle I never knew I’d have to face. There was, and always will be someone telling me what to do or say, and even how to be myself. How does one escape that, who already feels like they have the smallest voice in the room?

My main career goal in life is to be a feminist activist, nutritionist and a writer. In my mind they fit nicely together like a beautiful little career puzzle. You know the ones that people actually want to complete, they’ve poured their heart and soul into it  put it on display and sit there for hours just oooing and aahing at it? Yeah like that. So here I am, the feminist in the room, on my way to dive deeper into feminism, and pour my heart and soul into my writing about it for myself and for the readers! (That’s you!). Here you’ll find my thoughts on certain topics with a feminist light, and my journey through it. Here is where I can finally find my voice and let it be known. 

 Let’s smash the patriarchy one post at a time!