thefirecrackerme

[thefirecrackerme]

i guess, Hello?

To start with a cliché every begining is hard. I know, why on the Earth would I choose such an overused expression. Eh, I’m rumbling, forgive me. 

So, where should I start? 

I began all of this, for one reason: for once, I want to heal and place myself first before anything else in my life. Right now, I’m in a shady place, where my inner child is suffering and in pain, and my grown-ass woman self is full of anger and feeling betrayed. This is such a mindblowing experience for me, I never even knew about it - or knew, that this state I’m currently in is not healthy at all. 

To be honest with you, I’m attending therapy for many reasons. How to say it? I have a tendency to make deep and strong emotional connection with narcisstic people. I had many friends and boyfriends in my life who had this mental condition. But, it was the last narcisstic person in my life who just ruined my mental and spiritual stability. He was my ever first serious relationship. As it is in written in every textbook, he was charming and perfect, and interested in everything I did and planned. He was such a gentleman, and normal, he was esentially courting me. It was so nice and warm to feel it - finally. But even than, when we were just dating, I had this feeling, that he is just so strange, something really not okay with the way he is holding himself and behaving. I was so naive, and thirsty for love and attention that I disregarded my intuition, and let the flow go. I shouldn’t have. He was abusing me, my soulm my self-confidence, my everything, made me think I was at fault all the fucking time - he was keeping me in terror and anxiety. For almost one year. 

And when I was really in despair, and feeling really bad, I finally reached out to a psyhologist, and this was the best decision I ever made. 

First I thought that every problem of mine was linked to him. Then with more and more therapy session, I realized that many relatives of mine, and many bad friend- and relationships in my past hold the same pattern and sequence. I am attracted to people who can ruin me, who are narcissists. And why? I asked myself many times since the first therapy. Why I am so stupid? Why do I eat up every shit they are giving me? Why I am so hungry for that kind of attention? 

And, it was yesterdays session, when I asked my therapist, what do you think is my problem? Why am I not talking about how I feel, why do I try to explain everything that happened with rationality. Why am I obsessed with trying to rationalize his behaviour when I perfectly know that a narcissist only care about themself, and their insecurities which they project to others. 

Then my therapist said, that I don’t have concrete self-concept, my identity is not fully grown, I have parts - as every healthy people, mind you, but unlike them, mines are not interacting well or healthy at all. My identity has missing piecies, broken up and suffering of deficiencies. Just some symptomps: lack of control over my emotions (can’t handle anger, pain, caring and attention, etc.), I have problem with holding my attention - sometimes I’m just there, but don’t understand a word they are saying to me, like they are speaking in whole new language to me. 

I asked my therapist what to do to heal myself, to help my suffering inner child to grow up finally. My therapist said ‘First, you need to stop berating yourself for bad choices and events in your life. For weeks, the only thing I see is a ping-pong match - between your outer self and inner child. You try to convince yourself, that your anger is justified, your hurt is real, that what happened to you is terrible, that you worth it, and you are smart and talented, that you are happy. But not for once did you try to just calm yourself and say, everyhing is gonna be okay. Everybody knows what happened was not healthy or remotely okay, but with anger you will never get over it and let go of the past. You have to forgive him because he is suffering just as much as you, but firstly you have to forgive yourself for being weak and wanting to be loved. Everybody deserve forgivness. Of course, that doesn’t mean, that you have to accept him and every toxic person back to your life. But if you forgive them, you forgive yourself.’

It hurt me, to say the least, that I have to forgive. I never done that before, either out of childish pettiness, or because it was easier to be angry than anything else. 

I also realized, that I never talked to myself with kindness. Like I try hard to get even one memory out of my buzzing brain, when I was generous to myself, but no. 

So, I decided to open this blog, write my journey down - with all the failings and success I will have, and all the stories that led me here. And if I find likeminded people during my way to wholeness, that would be just more brownie points to my inner child towards adulthood. 

So, here we go sailing towards the sun. 

PS. Sorry for grammar mistakes, English is not my first language.