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Bear Fruit

I learned from the news that it’s Singles Day

Thought #1: There is a day as such?

Thought #2: Hope the singles see the beauty of this season: A good time just be. A time to know the Creator deeper and know His unique design for each of us. An opportune time for growth. To know one’s self better and our calling— and slowly pick up clues and find clarity as to which vocation each is called (Marriage, Single-Blessedness, Religious). That state of life which we are most happy, and most fruitful. That which we could bless the world best. The enemy will trick is into thinking the next phase is far much better. But there is something exclusively beautiful in the now. Come to think of it: if we were in a road trip and had stopped over a very beautiful place, we know it wouldn’t last. So we seize every moment for whatever it has to offer. It would be a great loss to be in a rush, only to look back and regret the chances you missed.

So like the Chinese commercial holiday (11.11) goes, treat yourself and do something fancy if you want. Let’s ask the grace to be joyful not only for the day but in everyday of this beautiful season. And most of all, be fruitful now and ever. For it is when we bear much fruit that our Father is glorified (John 15:8).

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Halloween

Sorry to break it up to you. But halloween is not for scary things.

Some people will stop reading here. Some people will even stop reading at the word “holy”. But if you’re one of the few people with a counter-cultural mindset, read on.

Contrary to popular belief, halloween is not about dressing scary costumes, watching jump-scare-thriller kind of movies and the like. Don’t get me wrong, i really enjoyed my costume parties and trick-or-treat when I was a child. But I always wondered why my parents never dress me up with scary ones. Growing up and finding more meaning with my faith, I now understand.

Halloween has 2 origins- a pagan origin from the Samhain of the Celts. And a Catholic one, when Pope Gregory III established it in the 8th century. Later, Pope Gregory IV declared All Saints’ Day a holy day of obligation and extended it to the universal Church.

But popular culture has a way of perverting beautifully set-apart traditions, robbing it off of its core meaning and rather romanticising the funfare. Holiness is thrown out of the window, an outdated concept. Instead of seeing it as a feast of saints, our heroes of Faith- they whose lives shine brightly with the light of Christ. Halloween now is looked as a day of doom, darkness and all things scary. (Exactly the opposite!)

As you go through this day, perhaps join costume parties and celebrate, collecting sweets from neighbors, I pray that it will be really fun for you. But be mindful and make it as meaningful too. And never forget to ponder about what this day really is. May you be encouraged by the lives of saints whose struggles in this life are no different from ours but have triumphed eternally. May we enliven new hope in our hearts that Yes! In this day and age holiness is possible. HolINess is IN, because of the power of the Holy Spirit that is IN us. He gives us the grace to persevere. To be “holy as God is holy.” As Leon Bloy says, “The only real sadness, the only real failure, the only great tragedy in life is not to become a saint.”

Romans 12:2 “ And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

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Unhindered

Like a (confused) puzzle piece 🧩 hidden under the couch, it realizes itself when it sees the bigger picture of which it fits perfectly. Where all its creases, bulges, and its being makes sense.

I am that puzzle piece. And coming to the ILTC gives me a snippet of what God is doing in the bigger scheme of things, nation unto nation, city unto city, heart unto heart.

Primarily, I had 2 intentions for going: (1) I wanted to be in the midst of people who followed God & made mission possible even while working in the corporate or making a living. (2) For the Indians 🇮🇳. Since we rallied people to save up for this conference (during Aurora Conference in Pune, India last May), and simply because I wanna see these people whom I love so much. Perhaps, my (7 round-trip) free tickets that I got (that expires exactly on the last day of the conference) strengthened my conviction that God really wanted me to be there. But God’s intentions stretch further.

Through it, I got to see that He is doing something great and marvellous. It allows me to see that what God is doing in my own life, He is also doing in the lives of others! All of us, little puzzle pieces when put together completes the masterpiece, brings into perfection by the Hands of Him who is Almighty.

I dare to embrace this fate say, “I am part of His plan! I am part His masterpiece! I am part of His mission!” (And knowing much that what makes me qualified is nothing that I could boast of myself for there is nothing, but simply because He has chosen me and called me by name. Simply because I am His child.)

I am most encouraged to go home and be faithful that to the little things God asks me to do that I may play my humble part in God’s mission through and by His grace. Knowing full well, that holiness is simply doing God’s will and call for my life in the place, time and season where He has me.

Ang Lingkod Ng Panginoon is a Catholic group for Young Professionals dedicated to live their lives for God and to Christify the workplace.

#InternationalLeadersTrainingConference

#ILTC2019

#Unhindered

#AngLingkodNgPanginoon

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The Lord Draws Straight on Crooked Lines

Today, in the memorial of Our Lady of the Rosary, I remember Mary and in her obedient response to God’s will, “Let it be done to me according to Thy word.” Her heart was so attuned to God’s will. She always acts out in faith and not in fear. She always obeyed.

The first reading today is taken from the Book of Jonah. The Lord wanted to use him to preach against the great and sinful city of Nineveh and exhort them into repentance, lest the Lord destroys them all. But Jonah had other plans. He tried escaping God’s will by getting into a boat heading to Tarshish. We know how the story goes: The boat hits a turbulent ocean, Jonah receives his fateful lot of being thrown into the sea, swallowed by a big fish, stayed there for 3 days and then he was spat out.

Finally, after all the action and the drama, Jonah obeys this time. He did as told and preached. The people of Nineveh repented and God spared them of the destruction.

The Father’s mercy never ceases. “Should I not be concerned over Nineveh, the great city, in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand persons?” (Jonah 4:11) He always searches out for the lost sheep and brings them back to the fold.

How humbling it is that like Mary, Jonah, you and me, God desires to use us as instruments. If only we learned to obey like Mary, “I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your will.” That ‘yes’ will go a long way. It will travel to many places and find its home in many hearts, for the wind that breathes into that ‘yes’ is the Holy Spirit.

But if you had been like Jonah. Do not fret. Because He can always make use of whatever situation to bring you back again. “The Lord draws straight on crooked lines.” No matter how crooked our lives are, God in His power, can use it to bring us, and other people, back into the straight path. If only we are willing.

Point of Reflection:

“What are the ways that I have had ‘other plans’ than God’s? Times which I tried to escape His will?”

“Where is God calling me to be an instrument now? How can I respond?”

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“I belong to an imperfect Church, loving and serving a perfect God.”

My heart breaks to hear reports and stories of supposedly ministers of God’s holiness, love and grace become source of abuse and maltreatment. I can’t imagine the trauma and the effects on the lives of the victims and their families. And I do believe that justice should be served to whom justice is due, as I continue to lift their healing to the Lord in prayers.

But will this scandal make me think twice about the Roman Catholic Church which I am part of? Together with the sacraments that ministers celebrate? Quite the contrary.

It is true that when I look around and side by side, I may find myself a thousand reasons to leave the church; the “hypocrisy”, the inconsistency, the mistakes... But then I ask myself, “Did I come for these people?” No, I came for God. And so I bid myself to “Fix my eyes on Jesus.” Only then will I persist to belong to an imperfect Church who strives to love and serve a perfect God. He, whose mercy is endless and inexhaustible. May He bestow His mercy upon me, a mere sinner who desires to walk this way of holiness that He paved. I also remember His mercy upon my brothers and sisters, religious or the laity alike that the same mercy and grace be upon us in this narrow road of Christian life which we dare tread.

Furthermore, I remind myself of what I learned from college, The Catechism of the Catholic Church (Chapter 3: The Sacraments at the service of communion, 1550) says, “This presence of Christ in the minister is not to be understood as if the latter were preserved from all human weaknesses, the spirit of domination, error, even sin. The power of the Holy Spirit does not guarantee all acts of ministers in the same way. While this guarantee extends to the sacraments, so that even the minister's sin cannot impede the fruit of grace, in many other acts the minister leaves human traces that are not always signs of fidelity to the Gospel and consequently can harm the apostolic fruitfulness of the Church.”

The sacrament is not dependent upon the holiness of the minister officiating the sacrifice. While a life lived in holiness for ministers remains to be an ideal each should strive for, I also firmly believe that God’s grace is not impeded in its failure.

I stand by Fr. Mike Schmitz who also exhorts, “In this time of crisis, we don’t LEAVE the Church, we LEAD the Church.” https://youtu.be/AdR8eyaDCHg

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“This is a deserted place and it is already late; dismiss the crowds so that they can go to the villages and buy food for themselves.” This is the worry of the disciples; too many people, too many mouths to feed, too little food, and too little time left to go get some for themselves.

It could have been such a revelation when Jesus replied, “There is no need for them to go away; give them food yourselves.” What? Us? Feed this entire crowd? They were baffled for they could think of no way (humanly speaking) to make it possible. Maybe they thought, what we have isn’t even enough for ourselves, let alone share it to all!

Admittedly, they present their only resources, and with it their incapacity for the multitudinous act of charity that the Lord speaks of, “Five loaves and two fish are all we have.” Jesus, without a hint of discouragement says, “Bring them to me.”

We know how the story goes: Jesus asks them to sit down on the grass, taking the five loaves and two fish, blessing it and broke the loaves and gave them to the crowds. “They all ate and were satisfied”, 5,000 men not counting women and children. There are even so much leftovers, 12 wicker baskets full!

Sometimes we see a concern- either a world problem, or a little trouble of which comes from the tiny whisper of the Lord. Whatever it is that our heart feels for: world hunger, poor quality of education, inadequate medical care, youth recklessly wasting their lives on the ephemeral, immorality, or even seeing a friend who’s down in depression, or noticing the family’s financial concern. A little seed of heroism sprouts in our hearts, “I want to help!”

Only to be trampled down by the big rock of doubt from the shouts of the enemy, “Who do you think you are? You think you have enough? Just let them leave and find saving for themselves somewhere else because you can’t do it.” You concede, “Sure, what I have isn’t even enough for myself, let alone share it to all!”

When we listen to the enemy, we have every reason to abort the mission. But we hear Jesus, we are strengthened because He believes that we can do it, “There is no need for them to go away; serve them yourselves.”

Like the disciples, admittedly, we present the only resources we have, and with it our incapacity for the multitudinous act of charity that that the Lord speaks of, we present to Him our five loaves and two fish, our hearts that long to reach out to the needy, our willingness for selfless service, our passion, and even our woundedness. Jesus sees it, without a hint of discouragement says, “Bring it to me.”

And here’s the game changer: whatever we bring God, no matter how inadequate, no matter how insignificant of a sacrifice we can make, He receives graciously. He takes our offering, blesses it, breaks it and gives it away. He makes it exceedingly enough for all to partake and be satisfied. All we need to do is to offer it to Him. On our own, we remain unable but with God we can!

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Yes Lord, I believe

When you’re down and situations are not favorable, will your faith still stand? Will you still believe?

Martha is infamous for someone who did not “choose the better part”, for burdening herself with so much serving instead of sitting in the presence of Jesus (Luke10:40).

But we cannot totally discount Martha for her expression of love. She was always an active kind of woman, keeping herself busy in the serving which was her expression of love and hospitality. Once again we witness her activeness, this time of her faith, when her brother Lazarus died. When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went to meet Him. Her faith is so active. Getting into her feet and running towards Jesus, whom as she believes has the power over anything. She utters the profound expression of her faith, “Yes, Lord. I believe that you are the Messiah, the son of God, who is coming into the world.” (John11:27)

We remember that this is not just a normal day-to-day conversation. She was at the height of her grief as her brother has passed. Anyone who has ever grieved the loss of a beloved would understand that at the height of emotions, it is difficult to be rational. Overwhelming sadness takes over. Yet even at that, Martha remains steadfast, proclaiming her faith in season and out of season.

On the other hand, “Mary stayed at home” (John 11:20). Mary has always been a contemplative, she finds her solace sitting in the feet of Jesus and listening to Him, caring less about her sister’s nagging (Luke 10:39). Perhaps this time, she was contemplating about her grief and loss. Taking the reality to heart and comprehending what it means for both Martha and herself that their brother has passed away.

We are not called to learn from either Mary only or Martha, but both. To learn the balance of contemplative and active love, service and reverence to our Lord. But today, in the feast of St. Martha, I pray for all who grieve the loss of a beloved or all who is down in their lives. Pray for us, St. Martha, that we may also declare our faith in season and out of season like you did.

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Now

“DO NOT go into pagan territory or enter into a Samaritan town.

GO rather to the lost sheep of the House of Israel.” (Mt10:5-7)

Jesus sees the dire need for people to know God personally. His heart was moved with pity because they were like sheep without a shepherd. (Mt9:36) But does He not care about salvation for ALL? Quite the contrary, in fact in Matthew 28:19, after He resurrected, He commanded them, “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations.”

Why then does He carefully instruct the disciples to go only to the lost sheep of the House of Israel? And not into the pagan territory or Samaritan village?

The ministry was starting and disciples were just being given the commissioning. Logical enough, it has to begin somewhere. I remember a funny remark from my aunt, “When you climb the stairs, you never reach the top immediately. You have to start at the bottom.”

There is a vision of world-wide evangelization and inclusive salvation but it starts with faithful little steps within the locality and people from their own tribe. Practically speaking, it always serves as a good training ground!

The gospel teaches me today that it is important to know the scope and limitations of what the Lord is asking of me NOW. To be faithful to it. And wait until the Lord lights up the green go signal to move forward towards another phase. After all, following the Lord is not only about the big leaps of faith but also the consistent little steps.

Because more often than not, Satan’s greatest scheme is distracting people to do and worry about what they are actually not called to do, or not yet called to do now, that they lose the energy, time and resources to pursue the call for such a time as this. So choose your battles wisely! Learn to say no so we can be faithful to our Yeses.

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Grow Deeper

My community, The Light of the World recently celebrated our anniversary and have launched our theme for the year which is Grow Deeper (Jeremiah 17).

A lesson from the trees

1. Stay rooted

In order to bear much fruit and yield more produce, we do the first thing: to make sure our roots are closely intertwined with the source of nutrition. No matter how high, high wide, and how far we go, when we nip our roots from the source, we are nothing.

2. Have peace with the hiddeness

I learned from my biology friends that seeds have a growth hormone that can only be activated in the dark. That’s why it needs to be buried under rich good soil.

While this generation is used to self-promotion, and seek love from the outward, we continually need to strive to be hidden in the very heart of Jesus. In it growth only happens. In prayer and scripture, in an environment conducive for Christian growth and maturity, and in a constant pursuit to live a holy life.

Christian life after all, is not only about the big YESes we do for God. But also the moment by moment decision to choose Jesus over anything. Jesus over oversleeping that takes up supposedly prayer time, Jesus over the shallow happiness of living a secular lifestyle, Jesus over the temptation to give in to our anger issues, gossip and the like.

Doing all these unlike the Pharisees (Matthew 23) who only does things to be recognized. Our counter-cultural convictions encourage us to continually be faithful to the way of life, not only when posted in social media and seen by all, but most especially in the silent, consistent way of doing of things even when nobody is watching.

3. Weed out the bad

The Lord has already sowed the seed of His Word into our hearts, and He has caused its growth. But look around you and within you, are there things that do not align to Him? Weeds of sin sticking out, rocks that get in the way of the roots to creep deeper, thorns of worries that choke out the Word, or the seed have been really planted deep enough or do we need to excavate deeper into our lives to secure its place?

Looking at the superficial, it is always easy to pride upon our membership in a community or our services. But when we look upon the example of Jesus, we will find out that there is always room for growth.

This whole process of growing deeper in the Lord is with the vision of doing more for God and reaching further in mission, but for this to happen, growing in our knowledge and love for God and striving to live a more consistently faithful life is a pre-requisite.

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Wherever

“Teacher, I will follow you wherever you will go.” Matthew 8:19

“Foxes have dens and birds have nests but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head and rest... Follow me, and let the dead bury the dead.” (Matthew 8: 20,22)

At different times of my life, it speaks about different things to me. Like deciding to go on full-time mission in 2017, letting go of the comforts and familiarity of my 4-year apartment after college, to find a cheaper place which my meager allowance can afford. To deliberately choose to “go where God leads” despite the lingering daily fear of my dad’s mortality back then. That time, it spoke to me in a literal sense.

Today, I am confronted with the same invitation.

“I will follow you wherever you will go.”

Wherever?

Whether in the small town or in the big city? In the spotlight service or in the unseen self-giving? In the mission overseas or in the call to evangelize at home? In the loud, passionate preaching or in the quiet intercession?

Like the song goes,

“However Big,

Howeve Small,

Let me be part of it all”

-A Million Dreams, The Greatest Showman

To say, “I will follow you wherever you will go” is to go forth in confidence. Knowing that there is no darkness that God has not already penetrated, there is no isolation that God has not gone first, there is no uncharted path that God has not trail blazed.

I remember the words of the late Beth Melchor, “Follow God with reckless abandon.”

To ask for the grace of “Holy indifference.” To have no preference for anyone, anything or anywhere but to prefer only whatever God wills.

“The truth is that it matters not what God’s call is in our lives, it only matters that He calls.  We must strive for a holy indifference in our lives.  A “holy” indifference is not indifference to God and His Will; rather, a holy indifference is a detachment to all preferences regarding what the Lord asks of us.  We must be ready for all but we must be willing to receive nothing.  The goal is to be ready for God and His Will, whatever it may be.” (www.divinemercy.life)

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Beautiful Beginnings

At times when we can’t hear God, it’s not always that He has become silent. Sometimes, it is that our lives have become filled with noise.

And so in my attempt, to hear God better and clearer, I went for a silent retreat at the Monastery of the Transfiguration. In the mountains of Malaybalay, Bukidnon few days before 2018 ends.

It wasn’t planned. It was supposed to be a trip to Malaybalay only to see community friends who lived there and family friends who was in a vacation. Then a little thought bulb lit, “Why not spend the day in a retreat?”

Unassumingly, I went to the aid of my trusted friend, Google and found a contact number. “It might not be working,” I thought. But still gave it a try anyway just to appease my soul, and that little, tiny voice that whispers, “Why not? Just try.”

In the other line, was a calming voice whom I later found out to be a monk. I swear I was just inquiring. It wasn’t like I was 100% sure. After all, this isn’t planned. “I’ll arrive late afternoon. Could I still be accommodated?” I was waiting for a reply with the likes of, “Sorry that’s too late. Come back again tomorrow” Or “It’s the holidays. We’re not accepting retreatants.” Instead, what I heard was the most accommodating and tranquil reply, “How can I refuse you?”

Like a dead end God sets up for the stubborn, I knew I had to walk in His invitation of being intimately in His presence, and to come away with the one Whom my soul loves. And so I did. I said yes and made a booking.

God sends means to affirm me of that decision. After I put down the call and asked for necessary permission of family members, and my pastoral leader, a sister, gave me a call telling me if I wanted to hitch the ride to Bukidnon, and that they could drop me off The Monastery. Right after that call, the other sister whom I was meeting, in Malaybalay rang up to tell me they are planning to go to the Transfiguration on the same day when my retreat was supposed to end, therefore, that I could also hitch the ride back to the city. See what the Lord did there? I only needed to say yes to the Spirit’s invitation to go to the retreat and God took care of all my transportation going forth and coming back, almost instantly! Truly He is sovereign.

I smiled. God has prepared something for me. He has planned this to be.

I had a good ride and good conversation with my sister-in-Christ. Until their generous family dropped me off. I bid goodbye to them and said my thanks. The Monastery staff were expecting me and so I went in. “PAX!” A big sign greeted me in the doorway. It means peace. I walked the hallway by myself, amused for whatever the Lord has in store, happy to be all by myself at that moment, for there are journeys we need to take alone. But not really alone. God was with me.

I took my new journal out. It was freshly taken out of the plastic, it had no design at all and blank in the lineless pages. My previous notebook I used as my prayer journal just recently ran out of leaves so I bought a new one.

“For some reason, I am here,” I wrote. “For some reason I am staring at the blank pages of my journal. As if these blank pages symbolizing my new beginning, a clean slate. From here I shall start anew. These empty spaces, I invite Thee, my lord, my life-your empty canvas, mold it, create it as you wish.”

“Did you ever know, dear, how much you took with you when you left?”-C.S. Lewis

It’s true what they say, that when someone dear dies, a part of you dies as well. I felt that I had always become so tired and lifeless since then. I felt that my dad took away with Him my tenacity, drive, passion and creativity for life. I felt like I was just a set of dead bones, waiting desperately for Someone to call out life in me. At last, after 3 months or so, I came to my senses and had a desire to spring back to life again.

Since it was a silent retreat, i was to do things on my own as the Spirit leads. And I asked myself, “Why am I here?” Without a second thought, I wrote, “To reclaim the part of my self that died when dad left.” That was my agenda. I’m going to get my old life back. Or so I thought.

I put myself to sleep early in the night to prepare for the dawn mass with the monks and a few other mass-goers.

And deep in my heart I felt God speak, “You are not here for a reclamation. You do not reclaim the parts of you that died. Instead, I am going to give you a new heart and a new Spirit.”

I remembered God’s promise in Ezekiel 36:26, “I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit. I will take away your stubborn heart of stone and give you an obedient heart.” (GNB)

My desperation to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and my shattered life has only done me more harm than good. I have only obtained more cuts in my hand and more wounds in my heart than I already have. Simply because the ability to breathe life back into my dead Spirit is not mine, it is only God who can do that. He is offering to give me a new heart and a new spirit! Sounds like a good bargain. I only need to give him the broken fragments of my life, my weaknesses, my disappointments, my torn heart and lifeless spirit in exchange for a new one.

Again, when a beloved dies, a big part of the bereaved dies too. And i cannot resist the change that will have to happen into my life, into my way of doing things from the little ones like chores and morning routines, to the big things like finances and responsibilities. And that’s okay. Maybe it’s not about getting my old life as a carefree daughter back, it’s about letting God give me a new one- standing up from the rubbles, a warrior, a fighter, but at the same time always founded that I am a beloved of God, ready to face the challenges of the new day that awaits.

In the beginning and in the end

After the beautiful moment of solitude at the mountains, I went back home to my valley, ready to await 2019. My family always went for the late night New Year’s Eve mass. And I was very moved with one of the mass readings.

John 1:1-2

“In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God, He was in the beginning with God. All things came through Him and without Him nothing came to be.”

I realized that what was written in the very start of the chapter of John about this God who was there at the beginning, is the very same God who promised to be there in the end as Jesus promised in the end of the chapter of Matthew (28:20), “I am with you always, until the end of the age.”

What a beautiful consolation, as my 2018 ended and my 2019 began, and in all of my new beginnings and ends: God will always be there. And that’s what makes it beautiful.

[thegracetrack]

Never Without A Father

         “May the Lord bless you and keep you! May the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord lift up his countenance and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:22-26)

        This is Aaron’s blessing, the prayer that my dad says for me everyday. Every time I would leave the house for school and for anything at all, I would never leave without my dad laying his hands over my head and saying this prayer. I could remember, at times if I forget it, I would be running back home just for the pray over.

        Today, January 1st, the first reading reminded me of this prayer. And as always, brought me to thoughts about dad. Thoughts of missing him were there but consolation too. Especially as it was followed by the second reading from Galatians 4:4-7

“God sent His son... that we might receive adoption. As proof that you are children, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts crying out, ‘Abba, Father!’”

Never Without A Father

        In one of my reflections days after he passed away, I realized the vulnerability of being without a Father. Of having no one to run to for rants, for political and intellectual questions or to simply bury my face in his cozy stomach for idle cuddle time.

        But aside from all these, looking at my situation with eyes of faith, I know am never without a father.

        God has put men in my life, my Parangan and Dalangin uncles, my Titos and Kuyas in the community who are a source of guidance and fatherly love for me. And I am very thankful for them for being a source of Fatherly love made tangible.

        But above it all, I am never without a father because I have God, my heavenly Father. I remembered dad would always say, “My greatest mission on earth is to bring my family to heaven. And now that you have a relationship with God, I can go anytime.” He knew early on that her daughter being a woman (and women being one of the vulnerable in the society), being an only child, and now only having mom and I, our rock and fortress is God alone. Come hell or high water, in Him we are steadfast and immovable.

Abba, Father

        My very comfortable relationship with dad- the confidence in approaching him for anything under the sun, the shamelessness of being weak and vulnerable in his presence, and being expectant to receive wisdom from him helped me understand with how confident, shameless and expectant I should be in approaching God, my Heavenly Father.

        His love helped me understand God’s love for me, and our relationship points me to the relationship that I should have with my Heavenly Father. This relationship that should only grow deeper and more intimate day by day, year by year. Until finally one day I could meet face to face God, my Heavenly Father for the first time, and the most awaited reunion with my Daddy Doodz, my earthly father in heaven.

           For now, I feel blessed to have my Mommy Minnie with me, in dad’s absence, she lays her hands over my head and prays the Aaron’s Blessing for me. I shouldn’t get too caught up sulking about what I lost, but also take time to be truly grateful for what I still have.

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The First Christmas After

Remembering October 5th when dad left, the first time we went home was the hardest. Seeing his empty chair, his clothes and everything he owned. My mom and I held each other’s hand going up stairs, sat down the empty chair of their room where they would both talk and spend time and we just cried. And then we said, “Solo Dios Basta”. God alone is enough.

“Nada te turbe nada te espante...

quien a Dios tiene nada le falta…

Solo Dios Basta.” - St. Teresa of Avila

(If you have God, you will want for nothing; God alone suffices.)

“And I wonder if you know

That I never understood

That although you said you'd go

Until you did I never thought you would”

-Empty Chair by Don Mclean, a song my dad had let my mom hear days before he passed

The first Christmas after

What would be the first Christmas like without dad? I always wondered.

I was riding in a car when Christmas carols played, “Sapat nang si Hesus ang kasama mo. Tuloy na tuloy pa rin ang Pasko.”

I realized that “Sapat nang si Hesus ang kasama mo” is pretty much like the Filipino translation of God alone is enough and Solo Dios Basta...

Then I thought, sure. It takes a lot of getting used to not having him around. But Christmas continues even in the midst of my season of grieving. In fact, all the more I need Christmas.

Christmas continues because although dad left, Jesus who IS, who WAS and IS TO COME, is here. He is with us. And He is enough reason to celebrate. No. Not the flashy, outwardly ecstatic, adrenaline-driven Christmas. But the hopeful, inwardly joyful, truth-driven Christmas.

The light shines in the darkness

“Do you know what the first Christmas was like?” A brother, Kuya Totit asked during the last Prayer Meeting of Christ’s Youth in Action USTP.  He then went on painting the picture that unlike Christmases today which are bright with lights and colors, filled with abundance of food and comfort, the first Christmas was quite the contrary.

Left with the only available place for their accommodations, Jesus was born on a manger. The place only fit for the habitation of animals became the birthing place of the King of kings. Wrapped in swaddling cloth, surrounded by darkness, the Light of the world was born.

This had a moving impact on me. So much that I kept on thinking about it. In one of the misa de gallos, through the cold wind and the dark night where dawn has not come, at the mass, I pondered deeply that if God cares so much to bring light in the darkness. So can I always invite Him to be the light in my darkness.

John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness and the darkness have not overcome it.”

And so, this is what Christmas for me is like. The birth of new hope in my life, and an opportunity to ready my unworthy heart for the habitation of the King who knocks and desires to live in it and become the light in my darkness.

“The people in darkness have seen a great light. The Lord of our longing has conquered the night.” -Dan Schutte, Awake from your slumber

[thegracetrack]

What happens when it happens

         I cannot count the times that I imagined what would happen when it happens. When the day comes that my dad had to leave. How dreadful that day might be. Or how will I even manage to survive the next days. Every hospital visit, every rush to the ER, thinking if this might be the last. Every bag of blood transfused worrying if it will cause severe side effects. The slightest cold or cough thinking if it could get worse. What would happen when it happens...

        I got a phone call, an untimely admission for supposedly close monitoring. Dad pretended all’s well. You can trust him with anything but this. Because he never tells his true condition, he’d stay silent and refuse to call the doctor. He never wants anyone to worry.

        The next day I’d spend the entire day in his hospital room while mom does errands and buys medicines. I spent most hours fitting myself in his hospital bed, caring less about doctor’s visits and nurses’ rounds. Why would I care? I’m cuddled in the world’s most comfiest position- under my dad’s arms, where the 23 year old is her daddy’s baby girl again. I was resolved that no matter how old I’d get, if I’m with dad I’ll always be that. 

My dad hates it when i take photos of him in the hospital. But I managed to take one while he was asleep. This is my last photo with him.

        My ear positioned near dad’s chest and I could hear his heart beat. I knew something isn’t right. I only know so much about biology and most of my knowledge (heart rate and the like) are only googled. But my gut feel tells me something isn’t right. The beat isn’t in sync and racing faster than usual as I count manually the seconds and the beats silently. It was bothersome. Bothersome enough that I had to trade the world’s comfiest position to the sofa chair.

        I took my dad’s bible and finding myself in Psalm 27 “Even if your mother and your father would leave you. I will never leave you.” I felt God was assuring me that whatever would happen when it happens but God will never leave me. That be my assurance, in Him lies my confidence. 

        It was easy for me to convince myself that I’m only overthinking, yet again. Near death experience? My dad passed through it, countless times. I wasn’t convinced that what I’d fear to happen all these years would happen that day.

        Just as I put my spoon and fork side by side to end my dinner meal. Dad unusually skipped from the bed to the chair, gasping for air. While the doctors and nurses went out to get equipments and mom goes to the pharmacy. I was left alone with dad in the room. I’ll forever remember that moment when I had my dad with me all for myself, just me and him. The last time that it will ever be. He could hardly breathe. But when I sang Psalm 23 and 2 Corinthians 12, He said the last few words his mouth ever uttered, the very mouth that evangelized thousands of people, the very tongue that proclaimed of God’s goodness said his last words, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...”

        For a moment I froze. Discerning if I should be frantic, worried, scared and what not. But divine intervention happened. I felt God slowly whisper “There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear. (1John 4:18)” I repeated these words in my hand until it calmed my soul. “What are you to fear, Aiana? Are you scared about what will happen to your dad? Are you worried about your mom? About what will happen to you? Isn’t God’s love for you perfect? And that perfect love drives your fears away.”

I tell you, it did.

        Hours swiftly passed by. Friends and family came to be a source of strength. We worshipped by his side. If the intubation wasn’t there, I bet he’d join us. He’d use his very last strength and very last words to sing praises to God in the flesh for the last time before he worships God in the Spirit for all eternity.

        And then we sang the last song, the Song of Simeon, that ends with “And may the Almighty And merciful Lord grant us a restful night and a peaceful death. Amen.”

An ECG was performed. Flatline. Do-Not-Ricecitate signed. Time of death, 1:05 am, Cardiogenic shock.

So what happened when it happened?

There is grace. And grace is never insufficient. There was sorrow in that room, yes. Especially as it dawned that the one dearly beloved would leave forever.

But there was no room for fear that day. God drowned my fears in His perfect love.

[thegracetrack]

Would You Still Follow God Even If ____ ?

            March of 2018, a friend and a sister in Christ came over. We went to The Transfiguration Chapel in Malaybalay. After spending a good time of prayer and meditation, we were casually talking about all things under the sun, when we suddenly talked about our own vulnerabilities.             I was sharing about my fears about my dad and since she was a medical doctor, I was trying to solicit medical explanation about my dad’s sickness. “Ten more years, diba? My dad’s gonna live for ten more years?”            Who are we kidding? Even my dad’s own doctor, nor the most advanced of medical examinations would never be able to tell exactly how long. But i wanted a measurable answer. I wanted something that can be measured in our ways of time-telling, whilst my soul knows that the only sure answer is to “just have faith”. But just to appease me, she said, “Yes. Your dad’s gonna live for ten more years!”

        While we were sitting on our makeshift cafe, pulling in chairs and tables outside the museum and eating crackers, she asked me, “Would you still follow God even if he would take away your dad?”

         I couldn’t answer for a while. I teared up and later answered,

“Yes. Because then i know that it is the only way to that i will see him again one day.”

        I realized, how easy for us to follow God and serve Him when all things are going our way, when everything is comfortable. Yet when our faith is being challenged, giving God our yeses is pushed to the back burner. When all we can sing in worship is a broken hallelujah. When we bring before the Lord our hearts, broken and scarred - and yet still follow Him, still. It becomes a precious offering in the eyes of the Lord.

        So what’s your “Even If”? A passing grade, the dream job, the healing of a beloved; insert that condition in this blank space “Would you still follow God even if ______ ?”

         And maybe, just maybe confront your own realities and your own humanity. And ask yourself once more, “Is Christ really enough for me? What if in the end of this race- all that you’ve prayed for, ever hoped for, ever been promised vanished into thin air, and all that’s left for you as a reward is Christ Jesus Himself? Would you still follow Him?”

“ Even when the fight seems lost I’ll praise You Even when it hurts like hell I’ll praise You Even when it makes no sense to sing Louder then I’ll sing Your praise I will only sing Your praise ” (c) Hillsong 

                          As i copy read this article, I paused and listen to this song again. I remembered when my dad was passing away. I was seeing him losing his grip on our hands. The room was filled with brothers and sisters and we were all worshiping God, singing songs of praise. The room was filled with faith that there was no space for fear to creep in. The last song we even sung was the Canticle of Simeon which ends in these lines, “May the almighty and merciful Lord grant us a restful night and a peaceful death.” 

            In my dad’s burial, we sang songs and even worshiped once again. And although I was resolved before that I will still follow God took away my dad, I still never thought that it is really that possible, that “I can”. Now that this happened, I can say. By God’s grace, it is possible. We can.

              I thank my brothers and sisters from the community and Christ’s Youth in Action, for our friends and family, for being with us- my great cloud of witnesses and instrument of God’s strength. 

[thegracetrack]

We All Ask Why

        This world and the pain and hurt that fills every corner, every crevice. Just when we are starting to grow comfortable in our living- either feeling the travel luxury that we can now afford from a higher pay check, the shopping spree that takes the stress away (but only for a short while), or simple the comforts of our own soft blanket … Just when we think we’ve finally “settled”, life has its own way of doing on us its reality check. we hear of discouraging news and stories. Of that person hit by a speeding vehicle and left critical, of that young person, filled with life who experiences the painful possibility of his own mortality with cancer, narratives of abuse, of immorality, of deaths and misfortunes. Reality slaps us and there’s no way we can ward off.

            With it, many people ask why. Why does this have to happen? Why would God allow death and pain to be part of life, if he was loving? Why doesn’t he spare us of it all, if he was powerful?

 I think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. He faced the pains of his being- that though he was God and divine, he too was also human. And his humanity dictates his capacity to feel suffering, abandonment, death, and worst, death on the cross. He sees it all coming. I also think it was not the physical torture that Jesus cowered upon, in fact he never cowered about anything at all. But it was that same throbbing ache of the soul of being betrayed by those whom He loved deeply, of being asked dead by people He came to bring life, that hurts the most.

            Like many of us, God Almighty doesn’t come in between Jesus and the torment of His death, although He could. He doesn’t stop it. Jesus, coming in the same page as us, on that dark chapter entitled “Suffering”. Standing there at the scourging at the pillar, at the carrying of the cross, at the crucifixion, with all the pains He bore, there He stands, owning His every right to be our comforter.

          Sometimes God doesn’t gives us answers to our why. He gives us comfort. It’s truest kind. One that shows you His own scars for you to believe that He feels the pain and understands. With it, He also sends instruments of his love. When the Spirit is intangible, He, understanding our human nature seeking for what’s tangible sends us a loving friend, a trusty neighbor and family members who stays. He never lets His love go unnoticed. Its stubbornness refuse to quit. And He who was there with us in that dark chapter, is the one perfect companion who journeys with us, flipping page by page, as we go day by day and unto our glorious ending.

            As I marvel with grace in this journey, somehow, I also found the answer to my own personal why.

          God refuses to make me so comfortable in this life so that I will never be content. And in my discontent from this world, I will never cease to seek that which I can only find in heaven. When I shall see God face to face, there lies my true comfort. Only then shall I rest. Only then shall I be satisfied.

            As for me, my dad has been the most tangible example of living out a life that invests on God’s kingdom to reap eternal gains. He made sure to spend all his time and resources to build people up, to be an instrument of God in many ways. He never dreamed much about giving us a comfortable life, or enjoying the luxuries the world has to offer. “There are far better things that await us in heaven,” he said. In one of his candid conversations with mom, he said that in his burial he’d like a violin playing “Heaven Is My Home” composed by John Keating, a dear friend and brother.

“Heaven is my home. I am kingdom-bound. I am not my own. For once I was lost but in Christ I am found. Oh my treasures on high, safely set apart. For in heaven I find, the fount of my joy, the source of my life, the first love of my heart.”

            Indeed, as he wished, he got his “Heaven is my home” played in live violin when his casket was being laid to the ground. And in faith, I believe, his heart’s greatest desire too- to be in heaven, his true home, and be with God, the first love of his heart.

[thegracetrack]

The Story He Writes,                   My Story To Tell

“For the minister is called to recognize the sufferings of his time, in his own heart and make that recognition the starting point of his service... His service will not be perceived as authentic unless it comes from a heart wounded by the suffering about which he speaks. Thus nothing can be written about ministry without a deeper understanding of the ways in which the minister can make his own wounds available as a source of healing.” - Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Wounded Healer

             I remembered being 8 years old. Being the only child of my missionary parents, I am the most fortunate tag-a-long. In one of the national conferences, i vividly remembered listening to the speaker who had an epic brought-out-of-darkness-and-into-God’s light kind of personal testimony. And i thought, “What kind of story do I tell? That my parents are serving the Lord and that’s why I’m here too?” Then i said, what seems to be a candid prayer of an 8-year old, “I hope I’d also have a story to tell.” 

             I’ve forgotten all of this, until a decade after when I came across the biggest hurdle of my life then- a rejected visa to France where i’m supposed to spend A.Y. 2012-2013, leaving me to have a gap year out of school. It was so tough for me. But in prayer, God brought me back to my prayer 10 years ago and as if He said,

“This is your story to tell.”

              The year after that, I moved to Cagayan de Oro for college. That same year my dad was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), and the start of my family’s 5-year struggle with this very rare blood disorder. Practically, there were things to be done. We had to learn a new family dynamics of the long, excruciating process of blood transfusion. Which includes my parents traveling to Cagayan de Oro, where my dad’s doctor is, getting blood requests, asking Red Cross for blood (over 200 blood transfusions for the past 5 years!), not to mention the financial needs that goes with and whatnot. We’ve gotten used to all this, that discomfort has been our “normal”. Shout outs to my mom, the hero, the selfless one!)

             But it was in the third year of his condition that things started to look bad and it dawned on me that i would be losing my dad and the question to ask is when.

              Panic Disorder

               I vividly remembered many dark nights when i lived far away from my parents. Fear, my uninvited guest who loves to visit me at night, do oftenly come. She does a good job of making herself known to me that many nights i couldn’t calm myself, many days i couldn’t concentrate, and many times where i can’t finish studying because all I do was worry, fall into fear or cry.

              “Have faith.” People always tell me to have faith. But at that time I do not know how. I’d get acid reflux, my muscles tighten, i feel cold even if it’s high noon, i would often experience hyperventilation and indigestion. I hated to over-spiritualize things. I wanted to be told why I feel such. So finally, with the help of a friend, i visited a psychiatrist in pursuit of a medical explanation of my struggle. The doctor told me that i have Panic Disorder which was caused by low levels of serotonin, a neurotransmitter which also happens to be one of the happy hormones. Low serotonin was caused because of my repeated worrying and overexposure to stress and negativities. Moreover, I wasn’t comfortable talking about this before because of the stigma on mental health. People say “It’s all in the mind” or “It’s just feelings” or worse “Arte arte ra na! Kay uso biya.” 

               It was difficult to put up with my inner self, figuring out my own emotional state while also, being a Catholic missionary for the youth attending to others. Early this year, I was invited to join a mission trip to India. And while mission always thrilled me, I told God, “How can I serve when I have nothing to give?” And i felt that God was assuring me, “Go not because I need you. But because I want to bless you. I am calling you not because of what you can do for me but what I can do for you.”

          In May 2018, I went to India. I have witnessed there that obedience to God opens the door of opportunity to walk in His path of blessedness. One encounter that blessed me in particular was just a simple bible reading while I was waiting for the camp to start. And I read from Romans 8:15, “You did not receive the spirit that will make you fall back into fear again. Instead we have received the spirit by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’” 

           I believe it was Divine Intervention. That very moment i decided that I will never be a slave of fear again. It was Grace that made me decide that. And that same Grace was present in helping me choose faith in moments of overwhelming fear and anxiety. It was also supported by practical ways to “mind my brain” and ensure a better mental health for me (like getting enough rest, meditation, delighting in positivity, exercise). I feel so blessed to say that from that grace-filled day in May, fear has enslaved me again like before. It attempts to visit sometimes. But it isn’t as powerful to breakthrough.

To articulate our own experience of darkness is to shed light               

              I was invited to speak in the launching of Beautiful Minds an advocacy in Iligan City on mental health. Among all, my dad was the most excited about it. He coached me with my speech and gave me tips. While in the hospital, he even said that he is sure that he’ll be out of the hospital in time for the event. But God had other plans. Just two days before it, my dad passed away. Though my heart was mourning, my mind was fixed to pursue with the commitment, in honor of dad and to God most of all. So i showed up anyway.

             To be honest, there were thoughts of, “What am I doing here when my dad is being laid at the memorial chapel?” But interesting enough, while waiting, i scanned through my photos and found a print-screened article...

“So if you’re wondering where am i being sent? Where does the Lord want me to go? Here’s a partial piece of the puzzle: Follow your wound. Follow that part of you that is hurt, incomplete and wanting, because the Lord sends you forth not only to heal and save others. But in doing so, and by His grace, to do the same for ourselves. That is how clever the Lord is. He sends the wounded walking, knowing that their healing lies ahead in a life God had planned.” - www.americanmagazine.org

             It was so humbling to open my wounds before so many people about my anxiety, as an instrument of God’s healing to others. If only we say yes and allow Him! God always invites us to participate in His salvific mission.

The story continues

              The all-knowing Creator continues to pay diligent attention to every detail of my life. I believe He never overlooks anything. Whatever He allows to happen, good or bad, is the subject of His love. And until now He continues to write my story. With unexpected twists and turns, because God sure knows how to heighten the thrill. I may not be sure about how it’s going to turn out, but I am sure about my God who is in control. It’s like riding the scariest but safest roller coaster ever. It’s thrilling but you can enjoy the ride because you know you’re buckled safe. 

And i prefer extreme rides, anyway! 

P.S.

               The reason why I’m sharing this now more boldly is to somehow, in my own little way, break the stigma on mental health (if i can’t. Then atleast crack it open a little?). Because mental health is a pressing issue, yet it isn’t openly shared without judgment. 

               I started this blog post with a quote from Nouwen. I’d like to (officially) end with another.

“The man who can articulate the movements of his inner life, who can give names to his varied experiences, need no longer be a victim of himself, but is able to slowly and consistently remove obstacles that remove the spirit from entering. He is able to create space for Him whose heart is greater than his, whose eyes see more than this, and whose hands can heal more than his.”