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[thegrumpygroomer]

Letter From a Groomer

I work for a salon if that’s not clear enough by this blog. But I don’t think I’ve written anywhere that I work in a Corporate Salon.

Well, I’m writing it now. So let me tell you about it.

I’ve worked for this particular corporation for about four years. And I can say, honestly, most of my struggle with it came from the salon (and store) I was in at the time I was learning how to do my job. It was confusing, inconsistent, and chaotic. That being said, I have very few complaints.

Initially, I wanted to move on and find a mom and pop shop as soon as I was confident in my abilities but loyalty (and benefits) have kept me from that. I like where I am. I like doing what I do with my co-workers.

That being said; Let’s talk about Corona.

As I’m sure most were, our salon was shut down for two weeks. Towards the end of it, we were asked if we felt safe coming back. A few people have health conditions or family with health conditions. No one saw fault in their continuing quarantine.

I, myself, tend to be pretty healthy. I’ve accumulated plenty of sick time because of it; only taking a few days here or there. I live alone which, while it means I’m having made up arguments with my dog, I’m not at risk for spreading it if I become a carrier. If I’m already a carrier. I’ve always kept my distance from people on just… sheer principle.

I’m low risk for both getting and spreading it.

Because of all of that, I decided it would be best not to run through all of my sick time.

I’m in a situation where I’m lucky enough to be able to stay on and working. But it’s a double edge sword. I’m still working because I want to be able to save the sick time so I still get paid even if I get sick. I’m still working because, while a lot of people are getting rent pauses, my complex sent out an e-mail explaining they “wouldn’t be raising rent for this year” (how generous…)

 I’m still working because I have too much pride to turn around and say “yeah, I’m actually terrified because I’m hearing people who are otherwise healthy are dying.” I’m still working because I’ve told myself “It’s better than what other people are going through” and  “at least I can help soften the blow for when everything gets running again.”

I’m still working because people are losing their jobs left and right and I have this (possibly) irrational fear that I won’t make it through this employed.

I don’t see any of this ending well. By next week, it will be me and one other groomer on staff. That’s it. That’s our salon for the week and possibly longer. I read an article claiming that our company thinks it’s helping by giving dogs baths but, because of this, I’m having to turn away dogs for matting that would have to be shaved before the bath due to contamination. And it’s really just giving people an excuse to be out when they shouldn’t be.

I keep seeing posts about essential workers and how they’re heroes. I don’t know about you but, being out and working a job who clearly doesn’t care about my wellbeing doesn’t make me feel like a hero.

I feel bitter. It was always clear we’re just a number. Now they’re just punching us in the face with it.

I hope everyone else is safe and healthy. I hope we all get through this and learn from it. Because I think we can all agree; it’s bullshit.

[thegrumpygroomer]

Upkeep advice for your isolation period

With the Coronavirus having a lot of people in lockdown (me included) I thought this would be a good time to talk about home care for your dog. Why? Because I’ve been in my apartment for only one day and I’m already about to go fucking batshit when I remember that I’ll be here for two weeks. So! Join me in my insanity, won’t you?

If you already have a dog in need of haircuts, you should already have at LEAST these two objects: a metal comb (AKA a greyhound comb for some fucking reason) and a slicker brush (A flat, metal pinned brush) If you don’t have these and you have to go out for pet food or something, pick them up.

If you’ve had your dog for a while and you don’t have these, please know that I, and all the other groomers, are judging you. Hardcore. Judgement.

Use the Slicker brush and go over EVERY area on the coat. Does it have enough hair to tangle? then yes, brush it! Be careful around sensitive areas and don’t go all out on mats in one go. Remember, you have all the time in the world; no need to traumatize your poor pup.

After the coat has been brushed, take the comb and make sure to go down to the skin. You’re finding any knots and mats you may have missed so be gentle. If you find mats, try to pull them apart with your fingers and then brush them when they’re in more manageable tangles. 

If you can’t pull the mats away from the skin, then it would most likely need to be shaved out. Don’t you DARE take a pair of scissors to the dog’s mats. if you must remove them yourself, then carefully use a pair of hair clippers. If you have even the slightest fear of it, don’t do it yourself. If your dog is scared, don’t do it yourself.

(Also keep in mind, human clippers have a weaker motor than dog clippers. Using them on a matted dog could kill the clippers.)

Unless you know what you’re doing, Do Not Take A Pair Of Scissors To You Dog. I fucking mean this with every fiber of my being.

If your dog has mats to the skin or mats that you haven’t yet gotten out, Do Not Bathe Them. It’ll tighten the mats and make it harder to remove, especially if you don’t have a dryer strong enough to completely dry them. It’ll only be a few weeks (Hopefully) If the smell really bothers you, a dry shampoo should do the trick.

For dogs with coats that shed (retrievers and huskies)? Once again a metal comb and a slicker brush will do wonders.

If you have a hairdryer with a cool setting, you may be able to take it to the undercoat and loosen it before it falls out completely. Expect to be brushing for a while no matter what, though.

If you have a dog with a short coat? Ignore everything about the comb and slicker brush. Get yourself what is called a rubber curry (or a zoom groom) It looks and feels like a chew toy, but that thing os awesome for dogs like pitbulls, pointers, rotties and anything with a similar coat. Don’t get the Furminator for this type of coat. I’ve had waaaay too many people ask me if it works. Yes, it does work, and it works super well. Just not for thin coated dogs. The Furminator is built for huskies and shit, not anything like a pittie. Don’t waste your money.

So there you have it! Grooming advice from a particularly grumpy groomer currently locked in their apartment and not able to go to work! Any questions? Good, great, fantastic! Ask box is open and I’m here just staring at my dog going through his typical daily routine (i.e.: sleeping)

See ya clowns later!

[thegrumpygroomer]

i’m so sick of news articles that look like this 

it builds itself up like OKAY WE FOUND THESE DEVASTATING RESULTS

and then you go in to look and you find it had a sample size of 40 

and then you’re like okay, what was the fantastic difference between these 40 people when sleeping with and without a dog

and the article is like

…so you get through it and you’re like you’re trying to tell me you think this is substantial in any capacity, this 40 sample size 3% difference ass bullshit??????????? you fucking shitforbrick bad at math fake ass science losers?

[thegrumpygroomer]

This may be a dog blog but we like cats too…and don’t want to see them terrified or lost due to 4th of July fireworks.  Here are some great tips to keep your cat safe and sane on the holiday.

[thegrumpygroomer]

Imagine, if you will, you have long hair that gets up in a ponytail.

Every day, this hair is in a ponytail. It’s become a part of your style, maybe. Or maybe you just need it out of the way on most occasions, but you don’t want to cut it short. You feel weird with short hair; it doesn’t suit you.

Now, imagine you put your hair up in that ponytail a little tighter than usual. And you keep it there.

It’s no big deal. You can feel a slight pull on your scalp when you turn your head but it’s really not that much different from your normal routine. So, you go about your day. It’s a rainy day, but you think nothing of it. So, you get a little wet; big deal! You continue on your way for a few hours then realize your ponytail might be a little too tight for your liking, so you go to loosen it.

You can’t.

The tie is pressed against your skin. Every move of your head feels like someone is pulling on your hair. You can feel the skin of your scalp stretch and move. It is far from a pleasant feeling. You think that it’s okay. When you get home, you’ll just brush your hair really well and this will all be something to laugh about later.

Except you can’t. the hair tie had to be cut from your hair. The brush won’t go through completely and your skin is becoming more and more sensitive with every brush stroke to try and chip away at the large knot. Eventually, it’ll become torturous. You might even start to bleed.

Now, imagine rather than you doing it to yourself, someone else is doing it to you. Why? Because it’s their job and you refused to allow it to be shaved.

Matting happens. Sometimes, you can brush through your dog’s coat thoroughly and still miss where the mats sit. Sometimes, life gets in the way and you can’t spend the time on brushing your pooch. In cases like this, where it gets too tight and too much, don’t torture your pup for what you think is a “cute and fluffy” look.

Comfort should always come before Vanity. Dogs are not accessories; they’re living creatures.

That’s all for now.

[thegrumpygroomer]

Shaving your dog

As the weather gets warmer and humans begin to become the sweaty mess of apes we are, some people take this time to help their canine companions cool down in any way they can. This post is written for them.

Many dogs are okay with getting haircuts. Your yorkie or shitzu has already served to get a few, I hope. And getting them cut short isn’t going to do much lasting damage to their skin or coat. Just don’t leave them outside for too long; contrary to popular belief, your dog can get sunburnt. It happens. Protect your pup.

The same goes for your poodles, most of your terriers, and almost all types of doodles (I have seen doodles who take a lot after their non-poodle parents, so it’s really up to the genes in those guys.)

But now, let’s talk about the other dogs. The double coated pups. The go-to “family dog.”

The ones who leave tumbleweeds in the house. Sick of sweeping up after them? Tired of having to take out a brush and pull out their body weight in hair? Looking for an easy solution?

Well, guess what?

Shaving him ain’t it.

Any haircut on a husky, a retriever, hell even a Pomeranian, should only be for two reasons. Looks (like neatening the hair a little) and matting(because obviously). Shaving to reduce shedding?

Why the holy fuck did you get one of these dogs in the first place?

I’m going to put it as simply as possible. I want you to think of your dog as a house. Don’t give me that look; just bear with me.

Okay so outside the house you have your sidings. Tn this case, it’s Fido's coat. Under that, we have the interior walls (In dog’s case? The skin) Inside you have the people who live there and all the other things that occupy a house (organs and blood and such.) Now, did you see the thing I didn’t mention? Didya catch it?

Insulation.

There’s a reason these dogs are called “double-coated.” the top coat keeps everything in place and rarely grows back once it’s gone. The second coat is what the dog sheds off. That’s his “insulation.”

Back to house terms; between the outer walls and the inner walls is something to help the house keep it’s temperature regulated. Whether it’s for a hot day or a cold day. In your pup’s case, it’s that hair we are now shaving off. Congratulations, you just set your dog up for a summer of failure! Now helping him cool down os going to be that much harder.

“Oh, but Sparky doesn’t spend a lot of time outside!” Oh, he doesn’t? What if he gets out and lost? You’ve doomed him to the elements.

“But, I’m so tired of cleaning up his shedding mess!” One, you should’ve thought of that before getting a dog. Two, you didn’t stop the shedding; you just made the pieces harder to see. And now it’s less messy messy and more stabby stabby.

I’ve mentioned it before. Those hair splinters are a real bitch.

For those who didn’t want to read this, here’s the big recap. Ahem.

Don’t Shave Your Fucking Double Coated Dog!

Also

Do The Research Before Buying Your Dog, Not After!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Good night.

[thegrumpygroomer]

Problem #83

[thegrumpygroomer]

The New Groomer’s Guide

Hello! If you’re following this account, I’m assuming you’re either already a groomer or interested in becoming one. And for both, I’d like to say: Welcome! For today’s post, I would like to pass on the knowledge I gained and kinda wished I could’ve figured out earlier. Many of you might go “yeah, duh” to a lot of this shit. Other’s might go “haha, yeah.” Hope you get something out of this either way.

1) It’s more than just ‘playing with puppies’- In this sense, I was kinda lucky. In my interview, my boss actually leveled with me and said “look, this job isn’t glamorous. It’s not about playing with puppies and having a good time. We clean dog assholes for a living.” That always stuck with me.

I’ve met some newbies that clearly didn’t get the same talking to as me. Or they thought it was fewer dog assholes and more puppies.

Either way, you learn quickly whether or not you want this just by that.

2) You will get bit- You’ll start out being wary of some dogs. Typically, those are the ones you should worry about least. I don’t know if you’ll ever get bit bad enough to make you bleed, but I’m talking from my own first and second-hand experience. I’ve seen some of the best groomers who’ve been doing it for far longer than me, stride out of the back with a bleeding hand. Sometimes it can’t be avoided because them motherfucker’s quick.

On the bright side, you can see it as training for a zombie apocalypse. No bitch-ass dead bitch gonna get you when Fido already taught you how to stay away from teeth.

3) Get a good pair of tweezers- This is something just about everyone forgets to tell you directly. Hair splinters are a BITCH. I have about twenty little shits permanently infused into the side of my pinky finger. They get to stay put for now because they didn’t cause any pain and alert me to their presence. To me, the ones on the palm are the worst. Especially the little white ones.

You will have a very intimate relationship with tweezers. One of those tiny magnifying glasses might help too.

4) Maybe get yourself a face mask and goggles too- Hair. It’ll be everywhere. There will be days you’ll walk out from drying your dog and your hair will have a new layer to it. You’ll find it hard to breathe then blow your nose and find out that husky from a week ago is still lodged in your nasal cavity. It’ll spiderweb all over your eyes. So, protect yourself so you can breathe and see.

Also, nail dust is a thing so the mask can be used again.

5) You’ll make a dog bleed- This is a very sad reality of grooming. But, there will come a time when you’ll draw blood. Maybe it’ll be a nicked paw pad, maybe your blade caught a scab. Most likely, it’ll be cutting a nail too short. No matter what, you’ll probably have a similar reaction to both me and a few people I trained.

You’ll cry and be afraid of doing it again. You might even react more than the dog you think is bleeding to death. It’s going to be okay; you’re going to get through it. It’s probably the crappiest part of the job but it is still a thing to prepare for. But, if you want this, you’ll have to get up from the floor where you passed out and learn all the steps to take to keep this from happening again.

And a better way of reacting if it does. Can’t have groomers always passing out.

6) You’ll gain breed prejudice- Huskies and German Shepherds? Get the fuck out of here. Yorkies? Those little shits better calm down! Border collies? Dude needs to take an ambient or something. Pit bulls? Fuck yeah! Always room for a pit bull bath!

You might think it’ll be obvious. Of course, you’ll love one type of dog over another. It’s not. Not at all. I’m more wary of a Pomeranian than I’ve ever been of a dog that comes up to my hip and I was attacked by a Shepard mix when I was seven.

This one’s pretty cut and dry. Hate some breeds, love others. There’s no telling what direction it’ll go.

You’ll never wanna do a pug nail trim though. That’s pretty universal.

7) Your tolerance levels are gonna change dramatically- When you do get a puppy, it’s both the best and the worst. Because, holy hell those little shits are adorable. But also, holy fuck this dog has never done this before and is scared shitless of everything! Puppies take practice and patience. A whole shitload of it. And that’ll be where your tolerance level should skyrocket. Remember, it’s a baby. It doesn’t know any better. (this should also hold true for any first timers and older dogs. Or just straight up nervous animals)

Now let’s talk about where tolerance will have the opposite effect: people.

Many will still have the whole “customer is always right” philosophy. Unfortunately, this is one of those places where that simply is not true. If you neglect to brush your dog? He gets a shave down rather than a light trim. You wanna shave you’re golden retriever because she’s shedding? That’s not how things work, ya dumbass!

I lost count of how many times I wanted to tell someone to do their fucking research before buying an animal. I didn’t get into this job to torture dogs.

It often helps to think that maybe this owner doesn’t know better. But, when you know for a fact they should know better, then you’re just going into the back to slam your head against the wall for a little while.

Also, those are the people who will usually become your request clients. So, you’ll have plenty of time trying to explain this shit to them. Enjoy!

8) You’ll be blamed for dumb things- The other day someone called to blame a groomer for giving a dog a mole. Not nicking a mole, GIVING him a mole. As if she had some kind of lame superpower to add something that usually takes forever to develop. Another time, I was accused of not giving a dog a bath because he went home and, the next day, “smelled like a dog.”

I don’t know why some people feel the need to do this. Maybe they lost touch with what it’s like to be a person with emotions. Maybe they think these are the best ways to get free things. Maybe their lives are just so miserable they need an outlet to dump all their crap. And what better scapegoat than a person in retail/service? You know, the one you just paid to get literally shat on?

(little gross extra for you: you will clean up shit. Sometimes, you’ll find it in your pocket. Don’t wear nice clothes to work…)

9) You’ll be in pain, like, 80% of the time- That’s a low ball too. I’m not a person who likes to be touched anymore than necessary. I don’t really hug unless I know you pretty well. I really like my personal space and strangers should never be in it.

But I would kill for a good back massage right about now.

If I could look into the future when I was in high school and saw this life, I would’ve done better in P.E. to prepare for it. I’m naturally a pretty strong person. I can lift some pretty heavy dogs without much of an issue. Even so, there are times my body screams at me for it. My main reason for wanting to go back to the gym is for upper body strength.

And then there’s carpal tunnel. It’ll be a bitch and you may need surgery down the line if you’re not careful. Just something to keep in mind.

Aches and pains will be a normal part of your day. Just think of them as a reminder that you are alive, I guess.

Now, I know you’re thinking that you just heard me bitch and moan about all the terrible shit in this job. Why would you wanna stay? Ore you may be thinking “Okay, so this is the part where they say something nice and return a bit of hope to our hearts.” Well, fuck you! I’m not some kinda straw man, Buzzfeed ass bitch here for your entertainment!

…..

Anyway.

10) it does have its upsides- I’ve had a lot of different jobs, most of which were a creative field. One of them paid a lot better than grooming. Many of them had their benefits like… not having to clean literal shit out of your pocket. But, it’s rare to find a job that can actually be fun.

All the bullshit I listed above is true; it’s all happened to me or around me. But most of the stuff are things that happen to everyone. That in itself brings you a certain amount of community. The people in the salon are very close-knit; it becomes almost like a family. And, like a family, we fight and bicker. But within that same hour, we’re laughing at bad puns and poop jokes. Immature? Maybe. But there’s not many other jobs where you can make these jokes without worrying about offending someone or just making things awkward.

There are days where I’m actually excited to go to work. Not many people can say that. Years ago, I couldn’t say that! So, I guess I’m lucky in a way.

This is not a job for everyone, don’t get me wrong. But when a job is geared for a certain type of person, it kinda sets up for a truly strong, supportive relationship.

-

Alright. Enough of this mushy sentimentality. This has been my New Groomer’s guide. Or, as it probably should’ve been titled “Ten things I wish someone told me when I became a Groomer.” But, ya know, I didn’t like that title.

Hope you enjoyed!

[thegrumpygroomer]

Problem #58

customer: *leaves child in the salon because this is obviously a fucking daycare*

groomer, whispering into the childs ear: your mother is a fool, my ire has been awarded to thee and her impudence will cost her dearly

[thegrumpygroomer]

Grumpy Thoughts

Owner: Don't kill my dog, okay? :)

Me, internally: You know, you're a fucking dick. I spend half of my time grooming your dog, thinking, praying they won't move just a little too far to the right. I sobbed and became inconsolable the first time I nicked a dog and I still get the feeling of cold dread whenever I see even the slightest dab of pink. There's already a stigma going around because of a few bad people that all groomers are out to hurt these pups, stories of which I do not find funny and hope I never have to see it for myself out of fear of what I'll do to the person in question. And you have the audacity to ask me not to kill your dog? You're lucky I don't stab you with my shears, you absolute prick.

Me, externally: Haha, don't worry; he's in good hands! :):):):):):):):):):):):)

[thegrumpygroomer]

[thegrumpygroomer]

Out Of Context Grooming Quotes:

“Oh, I forgot to shave around your bunghole.”

“Ma’am, would you please stop pooping on my table? We need to finish your haircut.”

“Jesus Christ that’s a lot of ear hair!”

(panicked) “Am I bleeding or are you bleeding?!” (genuine relief) “Oh, good. I’m bleeding.”

“Can you please not donkey kick when I’m trying to do your nails? That’d be great.”

“No, the scissors are not your enemy.”

“Are you serious? That’s who you want to pick a fight with? He could eat you!”

“Can someone come over and look at my butt? I think it might be uneven.”

“Your beard looks stupid.”

“That’s what she wanted?” (helpless shrug) “Guess it looks good then.”

“Oh, you little drama queen. I’m just holding your foot!”

“Stop biting at the brush!”

More to come. Feel free to add some too, if you want!

[thegrumpygroomer]

Happy New Year!

[thegrumpygroomer]

Out Of Context Grooming Quotes:

“Oh, I forgot to shave around your bunghole.”

“Ma’am, would you please stop pooping on my table? We need to finish your haircut.”

“Jesus Christ that’s a lot of ear hair!”

(panicked) “Am I bleeding or are you bleeding?!” (genuine relief) “Oh, good. I’m bleeding.”

“Can you please not donkey kick when I’m trying to do your nails? That’d be great.”

“No, the scissors are not your enemy.”

“Are you serious? That’s who you want to pick a fight with? He could eat you!”

“Can someone come over and look at my butt? I think it might be uneven.”

“Your beard looks stupid.”

“That’s what she wanted?” (helpless shrug) “Guess it looks good then.”

“Oh, you little drama queen. I’m just holding your foot!”

“Stop biting at the brush!”

More to come. Feel free to add some too, if you want!

[thegrumpygroomer]

[thegrumpygroomer]

[thegrumpygroomer]

A little about Goldendoodles

Ah, the mighty Goldendoodle. It’s history dates back as far as humankind. The first recorded doodle was in 23000 BCE; when we were still trying to figure out whether or not to throw people into volcanos in order to appease the giant fireball in the sky.

Hah! No, I lie. The Goldendoodle is a new breed. As are all other poodle mixes. Because that’s what a Goldendoodles are, you know.

A mix breed. A mutt.

Not AKC purebred.

This is a Designer Dog. A dog specifically bred because they’re in high demand and considered very trendy. It’s really sad when you think about it.

That’s not to say that I don’t love these dogs. Personality wise, they are mostly very fun and very friendly. I think I’ve only met one really pissy doodle and he had an owner that kinda sucked so it adds up.

ANYWAY! As much like these dogs and think they are very good family dogs, I don’t believe they’re for everyone.

“Gasp! Why would you say that?” You ask because you’re a big dummy who thinks this is a two-way conversation. Well, I’ll tell you; have a seat. I said sit the fuck down!

You see, my puppy loving friends, the Goldendoodle's biggest flaw is in the very coat it’s so popular for. It has the qualities of both its parents. The poodle curls which need daily brushing (sometimes moreso) and the thick coat of a golden retriever. Or lab. Or, god forbid, husky. It’s also worth mentioning that some doodles will take after the golden more than the poodle, which can lead to a very different type of coat. One that might even shed. (More on shedding dogs in the future.) Yes, the coat that unpredictable.

All of this, without vigilant maintenance, will give you the worst kind of matted mess. And their size doesn’t do them any favors either. Both breeds are smart and active, which means more areas moving which means more possibility of tangles.

And because it’s very much a designer breed, everything about them is expensive. From buying your pup to grooming. And the price only goes up the less the dog is maintained.

In this instance, you have a choice though. You can either get them shaved to reduce the need for such maintenance, or you can brush your damn dog so you can have the fluffy doodle everyone wants. You can’t bring your matted doodle into the salon and think a little conditioner and a good brush-out is going to work.

Which brings me to my next point. The proper golden doodle cut? Yeah, there’s no such thing.

Breed cuts are a thing because those breeds have been around long enough to be listed into the kennel club. And most were bred with a specific purpose, from hunting and killing to just being a companion. Their cuts cater to that history.

So the schnauzer pattern, for example, has been created for a purpose and is judged in a competition based on the original design. The doodle has no such history. Most of the understanding of what doodle owners want comes from what everyone expects a doodle to look like. The “official” pattern is nothing more than a word of mouth.

Fortunately, on a well behaved and well-maintained doodle, it’s one of the easiest cuts to do (in my opinion) it’s a simple fluffy clip comb of nearly any length with a rounded out face.

Unfortunately, getting a well-behaved and well-maintained doodle is harder than you’d think. If you’re a groomer reading this (which you most likely are) you probably feel a pang of worry whenever someone makes an appointment for any type of doodle.

While they do tend to be worth quite a bit, it’s definitely something you work for. Especially when the dog hasn’t been seasoned to the way of grooming. Once again, that happens more often than is comfortable. Remember, any non-groomer reading this, No dog is born already knowing how to act for a haircut. That takes practice and patience. And practice can only happen if you make regular appointments.

Lastly, a comment we all hear a lot is “Don’t Poodle my Doodle.” Typically, this means no clean face but can vary depending on what the customer’s talking about. And here’s my problem with that saying.

No One WANTS To Poodle A Doodle.

Doodle faces tend to be broader than the Poodle so when doing a clean face they look like a lab. Also, clean faces are extremely time-consuming. If your doodle is being poodle’d it's for a very simple reason.

The face was fucking matted. Brush your fucking dog and shit like this wouldn’t happen.

If you want a Goldendoodle, that’s fine. Just know your abilities and make sure you keep your dog comfortable. Whether that means fluffbutt or shaved bald is up to you and your abilities, not me and mine.