thehecticglow1998

[thehecticglow1998]

[thehecticglow1998]

[thehecticglow1998]

[thehecticglow1998]

How would you miss me?

If I was gone tomorrow would you miss me? Would your life really change?

Alot of people tell me that if I died (or more specifically took my own life) it would affect them.. They would miss me… They’d be sad…

But how would it really impact them?

Would you miss me so much you stay up at night?

Would you tear up when you thought of memories together?

Would you have something you wished you could have said to me that you can’t stop thinking about?

Would you be broken by the fact that you missed out on the chance to build a future with me?

Would you think of me when you hear certain songs and turn them off? Or demand to hear them all the way through, Because they remind you of me?

Would you miss me so much you keep a photo or memento of me with you all the time?

Would you miss me so much you live your life the way I would have wanted for you, in honor of my memory?

Would you miss me like you miss summer in the cold dead of winter?

Or..

Would you miss me like the color changing pencil you lost in 9th grade?

Would you miss me like a cool photo of your pet that you lost when your phone broke?

Would you miss me like the really comfy pants you grew out of?

Would you miss me like you miss the limited edition flavor of ice-cream that you really loved?

Would you miss me like you miss your own bed when you’re traveling?

Would you miss me like you miss the excitement of new episodes of your favorite TV show before it went on the air?

…. These are the thoughts that plague me as an over thinker… You say I’m meaningful to you… But that doesn’t necessarily mean that your life would change without me… If only I knew without taking drastic measures 😔

[thehecticglow1998]

crying

[thehecticglow1998]

anywhere is beautiful with you.

[thehecticglow1998]

let's runaway together and never come back.

[thehecticglow1998]

I have lived 23 years like this, I just need to do it for one more month

- My move out mantra

[thehecticglow1998]

Having to stay silent about something that is stressing you out and hurting you deeply to keep yourself safe is a shitty place to be. I also swear it takes 10 years off my life every time I have to do it. 

[thehecticglow1998]

Beautiful.

[thehecticglow1998]

To grieve is to relearn the world, I once read. After feeling like I might split in two yesterday and only having managed a half-cry, I’ve decided that I can’t do it again. I won’t do it.

Not that your loss means any less – although it has been more expected – and not because I don’t feel the sick absurdity of the timing or that “fair share” and I orbit vastly different planets. But because I can’t live my life like this; I can’t lose another year to darkness, especially not when the worst of it keeps on coming.

Just as you have fallen now to death, I must breathe and rise in goodness. It doesn’t mean that I’ll forget.

Sleep in deep serenity, sweet. May peace be with you, too.

[thehecticglow1998]

somewhere out there 👣

[thehecticglow1998]

woah, i’m 23 today.

[thehecticglow1998]

it’s already midnight and i should be sleeping by now but i’m unable to cause i feel excited and happy that i finally found my calling in terms of a career path and in terms of something i know i’d thoroughly enjoy doing in the future.

i’ll be 23 in two weeks and i should’ve graduated by now. i’ve been in college since 2015 and i’ve changed my degree program twice — my first being BSEd major in social science. two years in and i felt lost and confused. it was my parent’s wish for me to become a teacher but deep down i know i didn’t belong in that field.

quite some time has passed and i decided to move to a new city to study in a new university far away from LNU and even farther from my hometown. i took an entirely different degree program from my old one so i had to start from scratch but i didn’t mind because i thought this would be the one — the one that could give me a sense of fulfillment and purpose but to no avail. but i must admit, studying animal science and being involved in the agricultural world has its benefits. i once had a dream of owning a farm or a ranch (charot) but it didn’t feel like it was what i’m called here to do.

i started to question what my niche or my ikigai was. i used to compare my behind the scenes against people’s highlight reels. i was jealous of people who has already found their true purpose and calling in life.

my aunt died recently and spending a few days in a funeral home is where my interest in mortuary science REALLY sparked. i’ve always been fascinated about death and dying. since then, i can’t stop thinking about what it’s like to be a mortician or a funeral director. i even started watching YouTube videos about embalming because i was THAT interested and curious. i’ve always wanted to work in a lab ever since i was a little girl but i was quite unsure what kind of lab i want to work in. now i’m 100% sure that it’s an embalming lab.

the subject of death is pretty taboo. i think it’s completely natural to be afraid of death. it’s the ultimate unknown and there’s nothing settling about that but i think the more death is detached from our lives, the scarier it will become.

for me, being the LAST person to care for the deceased is such an honor. i know this type of work is not for the faint of heart but i’ve never been so sure about anything in my life than wanting to work in the funeral industry and hopefully changing the negative stigma of being a deathcare worker, eventually start my own business and become Ivy the licensed mortician one day. 💫🪦

[thehecticglow1998]

There was a time in my life where I thought loving people because God said so was something to aspire to. Now I don't see it that way. Growing up my dad would tell me that he is raising us the way he's raising us so that on the last day of judgement he can stand before god and say he did what was expected of him. But now I find it weird to tell your kid that you only love them and take care of them because you believe god said so. As an atheist now I wonder how such a thing ever made sense to me because I think if you love someone you should love them for who they are and not because you're instructed to. Not because there's eternal punishment awaiting if you don't love someone. That sounds abusive and doesn't sound like love at all

[thehecticglow1998]

Atheists don’t need to be certain about gods not existing. We can simply be certain that we are unconvinced, and unconcerned about the demands or desires of any creature we’re not reasonably convinced exists at all.

[thehecticglow1998]

In mass today, the priest kept talking about how there is no real happiness without god. I hate that idea!!! catholics will always tell you that “oh your happiness is fake, you’re not really happy” well i don’t wanna fucking die anymore, so yeah i’d say im pretty damn happy now