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[theinternethassexwithitself]

Unless it makes your tongue numb

I don’t tend to remember the details of my dreams.  Usually I wake up tangled in my sheets in the same dazed and confused state as I went to sleep hours earlier.  But since my latest brush with Covid-19, I’ve found that I’ve been dreaming as vividly as if I’d devoured an entire cheeseboard before bed.  I’m not equipped with enough knowledge to understand whether this development is linked to the…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Clipped

The Clipper Round the World Yacht Race takes place over eight legs and six ocean crossings covering more than 40,000 nautical miles.  Approximately 700 crew members set sail from Portsmouth on 3 September 2023, travelling to thirteen ports around the globe before returning for the grand finale in Portsmouth at the end of July 2024.  The thirteenth race destination was a first ever Scottish…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

The Timekeeper

Age comes to people in different ways.  I have listened as folk older than me have spoken of waking through the night to go to the toilet or complained about aching bones or joints.  Others report how with increasing frequency they are forgetting minor details, things like a password for accessing a particular app or the name of someone who had told them about a salacious piece of gossip earlier…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

A rock and a hard place

Lately I’ve been making a concerted effort to get to the Lorne quiz every Wednesday that I can.  There have been occasions in the past when it’s been tempting to withdraw from the team because it starts too late, or there’s something on at the weekend and I can’t do two social activities so close to one another, or my feet got wet earlier in the day and I haven’t gotten over it yet.  But now that…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Thursday watch the walls instead

No sooner was the downpipe fully reattached to the front of our block of flats than another problem had arisen.  It was a Tuesday night and I was in the kitchen reducing Lidl’s Marvellous Tomatoes for a pasta sauce.  The halved fruits were sweating it out in the pan the same way I had been on my yoga mat a few minutes earlier as I finished a gruelling practice.  My overgrown hair was sticking up…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Nobody scores in January

I think it would be fair to say that none of us particularly knew what to expect when my brother and the nut tax man accompanied me to Braehead Arena to watch the recent Challenge Cup semi-final first leg contest between Glasgow Clan and Guildford Flames.  While the three of us have varying degrees of interest in ice hockey, with me becoming borderline obsessed with the NHL, the UK league is not…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Nothing to be sniffed at

It was six days after I sent an email to the Press & Journal newspaper complaining about their use of a Google Maps image of Combie Street where my flat is clearly visible alongside a headline reporting “Drugs seized following police raid in Oban” that they removed the picture from the online article and replaced it with a shot of the actual pub involved.  By then it felt as if it was too late,…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

New Year or bust

Everyone has been talking about the 16-year-old darts sensation Luke Littler, who reached the final of the PDC World Darts Championship this week but ultimately lost.  Even people who don’t usually engage in conversation about sports were raving about the youngster’s achievement.  I felt compelled to tune into the live coverage of the final on Wednesday night but gave up with it around halfway…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Pucked it

There isn’t anything quite like a breakfast from the London City Airport branch of Pret A Manger at 5.30 on a Monday morning to give one pause for reflection on life.  I was wearily blowing the foam from the top of a mediocre cappuccino while looking out towards the runway stretching over the River Thames, the way characters in film and television do when they have a lot on their mind.  It had…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Life continues/flood of emotions

I recently came across a couple of inspirational quotes on the subject of turning 40.  The first of these was in the days leading up to my 40th birthday when I was still seeking a measure of reassurance over the approaching milestone.  I took to Microsoft Edge and visited google.co.uk where I searched specifically for “famous quotes about turning 40” since as a society we put much more currency…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Climb every mountain

In recent years I’ve made it a habit at the end of the summer to place an order on the World of Books website.  Similar to a squirrel gathering nuts to see it through the winter, I spend an evening browsing the 4-for-3 offer on the second-hand book retailer’s catalogue.  My end-of-summer 2023 haul was placed on 25 July.  The package arrived sometime in early August, and I was pretty excited to…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Finding my ćejf

Drinking cheap beer until after one in the morning doesn’t seem like the best preparation for a 7-hour, 5km hike, but then I’ve never been one who can be described as being the outdoors type.  While I am comfortable practising yoga in my living room every morning or playing a game of indoor football once a week, I have a habit of doing everything I can to avoid most forms of outdoor activity. …

[theinternethassexwithitself]

There are two major organs in Christ Church Cathedral

There was a moment on Easter Sunday when I wondered if I would ever be able to have another alcoholic drink again.  It was around the time that instead of being at the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall watching Ryan Adams perform an intimate three-hour set I was hunched over the toilet in a city centre Premier Inn throwing up for the fourth time in as many hours.  I couldn’t face going to the gig, so I…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

The fine art of Valentine's week

In my time as a single occupant, I have found a variety of ways of spending Valentine’s Day.  Over the years, the date in the calendar set aside for celebrating the patron saint of beekeepers, plague, and epileptics has seen me dining alone on a frozen lasagne, drinking at the bar, loaning books from the library, and listening to Everybody Hurts play in the waiting room of Specsavers.  For most…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

The final cut

I first noticed it on Thursday following the first Lorne Bar quiz of the year.  I was sitting on the end of my yoga mat putting my socks back on and looking every bit as limp as the fern on the coffee table to my right.  Because it had been more than four weeks since I last took part in a pub quiz, I had just about forgotten how much of a struggle the hangover can turn the next day into.  Often I…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

To Sweden with love

I spent the afternoon of New Year’s Day with my laptop open on a PDF of the Argyll & Bute Council refuse schedule for 2023, setting a reminder on my phone for each date in the year that the bins would need to be put out for emptying.  It isn’t that I don’t have anything better planned for the twelve months ahead.  On the contrary, the Google Calendar app on my device is filled with a smorgasbord…

[theinternethassexwithitself]

Homage to the 1984 Winter Olympics

Our final game of indoor football before the festive break was played on the Monday night following a three-day weekend that resembled a line from the hit 1997 song Tubthumping by Chumbawamba.  There had been the office Christmas party on Friday, a Saturday night spent in Aulay’s, and the rare occasion of a World Cup final taking place on a Sunday in December, all of which combined to produce the…