thekatemurray

[thekatemurray]

Embracing Change: Leaving My City Home for the Countryside

I am leaving my house. Yes, the house me and R designed and adapted to be our forever home. With him gone I do find a huge comfort in the memories I have. The wall he built and the way the biofolds angle so that they will get more sun. Everything is just as we wanted, although I haven’t completed it. Not how we wanted. I just can’t cope with the house being this size and the design we had. Not me…

[thekatemurray]

From Silence to Expression: The Path after Grief

I disappeared. Didn’t mean to, it just happened. Sometimes the grief and the pain gets too much and all you can do is protect yourself and withdraw from the world. That is what I did. Vanished to heal, if you can, from grief. I prefer to think about it as time I was learning to live within grief rather than being grief ridden. The two are very different. When you first loose someone your your…

[thekatemurray]

3 am

Well, there we are then. Due to a flare in one of my conditions I am anaemic and with anaemia comes insomnia. Hence the fact I am sat at 3 am watching a horror and wondering if I ought to take an extra painkiller because my legs are restless. Restless leg is a symptom of anaemia, basically the long bones make most of your blood. So, when you become iron deficient due to blood loss your…

[thekatemurray]

Sadness and grief

I am a doctor now. And on Boxing day R, the love of my life died. I haven’t been writing for a variety of reasons but the loss of R was enough to stop me in my tracks. In 15 minutes my world collapsed. My present and my future. The family gathered and I screamed at the horrible shit that had just been thrown into my path. We had plans. We were going to finish the house and then go out in the…

[thekatemurray]

Blue horses and long-legged elephants.

Daily writing promptWho are your favorite artists?View all responses As a kid I was obsessed with animals. I couldn’t connect with the people around me so I connected with animals. Dogs, cats, hamsters, rabbits and fish. If my parents let me have a pet then I got it. Animals were simpler and I could understand what they wanted and how to give it to them. There were no social rules or power…

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Is there a doctor in the house?

Is there a doctor in the house?

Indeed there is. Turns out I have finally done it and I am now Dr Katherine Cleaver. I am fairly shocked. I honestly did not think I was going to do it, but the verdict is back – Pass with no corrections. In the bag. Mike drop. Now if I can get used to the idea all will be well. I was so convinced that I was not going to make it, that I didn’t even think I would. I am walking around in a bit…

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Sun is shining and...

it is a delightful day. Or rather month… The screenwriting course was intense. I guess between that and the PhD I got a little burnt out. I am still here though. News: I got a highly commended for ‘The King of Swansea’ with the New Welsh Writer’s Award which is amazing. We have kicked Simon Landry off the build and are looking for a roofer. R and I have managed to create the back garden and…

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Mouses and electricity

I’m missing – you may have noticed. I’m on a screenwriting course that involves long days, about 12 hours, and that means that I have no time to blog. The course is only 2 weeks though so I will be back next week. How tired am I? Well, this was the conversation today: Me: My mouse isn’t working… I.T. (which is really R): Have you turned it off and on again? I do this. Me: Not working… R:…

[thekatemurray]

Changes; big and small

What makes you most anxious? It has to be change, whether big or small it makes me anxious. If I get a long lead up to the change then I can find myself relax into the expectation, but if it happens quickly then I am looking at a meltdown or a shut down. Meltdowns are pretty much me crying and yelling and loosing control as my emotions bubble over, whilst a shutdown is the opposite. I stop…

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Art

What activities do you lose yourself in? I could just write the one word – art – but I think it needs some explanation. My autism is not great, although I guess that, because it is mine, I don’t notice how bad I am… Maybe if I ask R. “How big is the effect of my autism on our lives? Low, moderate or high” I ask. “Err… Low… Moderate,” R says, watching me with his cogs visibly whirring. There…

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A wolf in sheep's clothing

Someone came to help with the roof. Two men, Miles and Larry, they said they would help with the roof. Come back once you have sent a work timetable and schedule via email, we said. R gave them his email and they walked off. In truth, we thought nothing of it when we heard nothing. We have had about ten people look at the roof and no one wants to touch it. We simply got on with our lives. R and…

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Movies and autism

What movies or TV series have you watched more than 5 times? Autism can be about familiarity, about not changing and having something that grounds you, like an old pair of slippers or that particular jumper that has a hole in it but you can’t bring yourself to throw it out. Well, for me, movies are like that old jumper. I have my favourites and I watch them with an intensity that beguiles the…

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Black Cats and Lucky Socks

Are you superstitious? Once I was very. Once I wouldn’t step on a crack or cross a black cat or walk under a ladder. Once I would have worn lucky socks and shirt and shoes. But it wasn’t superstition. Can’t remember why I had a dislike of black cats as a kid. I think it may have been because I was too friendly to a neighbours and ended up with a scratch… I do know that I was a little…

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Bear, Wolf, Cat, Eagle

Which animal would you compare yourself to and why? Randomly, back in eighties the school I was at invited a group from the a certain faith in to talk to us and potentially recruit us. My year sat around the room and each of us introduced ourselves. I must have been fourteen, and was pretty impressionable. “Our faith looks at spirits that visit us in animal form,” they said. I liked the sound…

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Dear older me,

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self. Congratulations on making a hundred, because I had money on me going way before that. How is life and what is it like? Are we still in our beautiful house? Did you find that hundred pound you stashed in a book in 2008? I’m guessing not. The likelihood is that it will never be found. You must have thousands of books now, or tens of thousands as I have…

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Resilience and that drip

It never rains but it pours...

What is the last thing you learned? You never stop learning. The main thing I have learnt lately is just how resilient R and I are. We have learnt patience, and how to smile and laugh, despite the fact that everything is going wrong around you. So we went to bed a bit late last night, though we have a film crew turning up to look at the build and how much Landry has screwed up. Of course, our…

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You look a little pale

What is one question you hate to be asked? Explain. How are you? How’s you pain level? How are you feeling? These are the questions I dread from those I don’t know because my autistic brain wants to answer them properly. I have only just recently learnt that you are meant to say that you are fine, or good, or coping, or some other vague statement. Those who know me want a more detailed…