theloniuswomb-blog

[theloniuswomb-blog]

So I binged watched the Netflix adaption of GLOW (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling) over the past two days. If you're unfamiliar with GLOW, GLOW was an all women's wrestling show that began in the 80's. It was the first of it's kind with women in the wrestling world tending to be more of a side show rather than headline material. Being a big wrestling nerd I'd always been aware of GLOW but had never really watched it. I was more content with women's wrestling I saw today, and didn't feel the need to watch 80's wrestling that probably wouldn't be much different to the other standard wrestling of the time. I was very wrong. Alongside the new Netflix drama, Netflix also aired a short documentary about the original show. Again, being a wrestling nerd, I couldn't help but want to learn something about this era in wrestling history, so I went for it. I was very surprised with what I saw. They took the campiest bits of the 80's style of wrestling and amped it up by 10. I was very impressed and instantly knew that I'd be watching the original GLOW very soon in the near future. But before that, I'd be watching the Netflix adaption. Mainly because the first season was out, I was hungover and I couldn't be bothered to try and track down the original GLOW series on the internet. There were good and bad things about this series. Mainly good, in fact, I was pretty damned impressed by this Netflix adaption. Many Netflix Original series suffer from what I consider a pandering attitude to more progressive or SJW type values. Which are often good on paper, but I often feel stifle true creative outlet. Especially when they pride that over delivering good, solid content. There are exceptions, like F is for Family, or that they also import many other comedy series that may not be considered PC or SJW friendly onto the platform. Which I admire. Netflix know not to cater to just one audience. This Netflix Series was different. It toed a line between the two areas. In some ways it was very obviously trying to be PC, in others it was not. But we'll get into that as we go along. Before all that I want to comment on a few things briefly. I have to say, the acting in this series was pretty damned good. There were some awkward actors, but luckily they had bit parts that meant they weren't as integral to the story. Writing was pretty solid, and some actors even gave what I would consider stellar performances. Maybe not Oscar worthy, but bloody good for a show like this. I was honestly taken aback. I didn't know what to expect, but one thing I definitely did NOT expect was to like it as much as I did. Anyway, lets actually review this thing. The show centres around Ruth (Alsion Brie), the lead character who later becomes one of the chief villains of GLOW. She's a struggling actor who has a friend in a fairly successful soap actor named Debbie Eagan. Debbie despite being successful, had quit acting to pursue being a mother, so both women were technically out of work actors in the beginning. The series begins with Ruth looking for acting work and being offered an audition for porn. Ruth would not take the part. I found it ironic that almost a minuet later the actor who plays Ruth was in a sex scene in which her breasts were exposed, and essentially doing soft-core porn. I feel that this was intentional and I honestly liked that they kind of blurred the lines between the characters and reality. Now, this sex scene isn't just for tits and giggles. It's actually really important. As the man in question happens to be Debbies husband who she has just had a child with. I thought it was very risky to begin a series by making the main character extremely unlikeable. I honestly found myself hating her for the first few episodes. Which is hard to do because she's genuinely a very funny character as well. The reason I could hate her was because of Debbies performance. Her reaction and her acting were pretty powerful in my opinion. By the end of the first or second episode (sorry, they kind of blend into one for me) Debbie finds out about Ruth's transgression and confronts her in the newly founded GLOW training gym. I was feeling the heat man, Debbie got me going, Of course I knew it was acting, but it was very convincing, and it was only because of Debbie that I continued to watch the show. Oh and Sam (Marc Maron), the director of GLOW, who is also fantastic in this series. (To clarify, Ruth is also fantastic in terms of her acting and humour. She takes you on a journey, where in the end, you're not sure if you hate her any more. Again, I just found that a risky thing to do, and I give the series credit for taking that path). Now I wanna mention cameos. There are a couple of wrestling cameos I wanna pick out that happen through the series. The first being Johnny Mundo/Nitro or whatever he calls himself today. I got pretty excited. He was essentially to be playing Chavo Guerrero Sr 's part as the wrestling coach for GLOW.  And I thought that was a nice touch. However, Johnny's part was written out of the show. I have no idea why this was. But I boiled it down to two reasons. Either 1) Johnny had other commitments, or he was too expensive to keep for the show. Or 2) they wanted to keep it as All-Woman as possible. Now, I don't mind it being as all woman as possible, I mean, this is GLOW we're talking about. But it felt a little unfair to write such a pivotal person out of the whole thing. It'd be like doing an ABBA movie but cutting the blonde. Chavo trained these women and he's one of the greatest wrestlers of all time. I felt a little respect was being lost there. But it didn't phase me too much, the replacement Cherry, felt a little off, but I also conceded that it may have also been a move to keep her character relevant in the series somehow. Which I applaud because Sydelle Noel is a really good actor and I loved her banter with her husband Keith (Bashir Salahuddin).   Time progresses and we get to know some of the characters more. All of which have fairly distinct personalities and are written really well. As they begin training for GLOW they start picking wrestling personas. This is where the show loses any form of PC direction. They make a character called “The Welfare Queen”, “The Mad Bomber Beirut” (A terrorist), “The Old Biddies”, the list goes on. If you wanted to you could find something to be outraged by by any character. Be it their stereotype or sexualization. But I really liked this essence of realism. The girls took it on without too much complaint, understanding they needed to appeal to audiences with simple concepts and humour. Some of course questioned it, but eventually all of them fit into their personas easily. I have to say The Welfare Queen being one of the funniest things ever. She happily fucks the government, wears a Burgerking crown and throws food stamps around like she's making it rain. It was outrageous, I loved it and gave me some of my biggest laughs from the show. (The other irony of this character being that Tamme (Kia Stevens) was actually a very successful woman who has a child in stanford university). Ruth struggles to pick a persona, and as she struggles Debbie is enlisted by Sam to join the GLOW team as the star of the show “Liberty Bell”, an all American, wholesome apple pie eating country girl. It's disgusting and patriotic and I loved that too. Of course this creates friction for both Ruth and Debbie, as Debbie still hadn't forgiven Ruth for sleeping with her husband. And neither had I. To cut a long story short, the girls band together and eventually put on the first real GLOW show to some minor success. Ruth finally gets a persona, which is also successful (and hilarious), and we see the characters grow and progress. Along the way there are ups and downs, perhaps one of the worst being Ruth's abortion scene. And as a brooding man myself, that scene actually made me tear up a little. Now a lot of people will push this series as a feminist series. But I don't see it that way. Of course it stars a bunch of women doing what men would normally be doing. But that had already been done in the 80's with the original GLOW and so I don't feel that this series is all that special when considering that. Also, when I come into contact with shows that are more “feminist” in nature, they tend to err towards a slightly more idealistic, or Mary-Sue type characters that can do no wrong. Or are just never very introspective, or cast men in a kind of bad light. This is not the case here, many different types of women are portrayed here. Successful women, clueless girls, party girls, responsible girls, weirdo girls, nerdy girls, witty girls. Of course some characters are a combination of these things as well. There are also moments where there is clarity that men and women can't always do the exact same thing, and that respect goes both ways for different strengths. I liked this a lot as this side of life is not often portrayed in current media and is something that should be mentioned and celebrated more. I also feel that this series makes wrestling more appealing to women. And I'm all for that. Anything that gets more women into watching wrestling gets my stamp of approval erry damn day. Oh, the other cameos were Brodus Clay and Christopher Daniels. There were others, but I have no clue who those guys were. They probably worked for TNA, and TNA sucks ass these days, so I never watch it. So what's my totally bias and subjective star rating for this series? 4.2 out of 5. The acting was generally good, sometimes amazing. The humour was excellent, particularly picking up in the last few episodes. The plot never felt stale, each episode felt like it's own story but also added to a bigger story. Each character was fleshed out and felt relevant. The camera work was great. The music/score for the series left a little to be desired, with just flashes of music here and there, and sometimes I thought the choice of song was a little off. The 80's aesthetic was pretty on point. Honestly, I recommend this to anyone who is a fan of wrestling and comedy. This is good stuff and I await the second series with pleasure.

[theloniuswomb-blog]

Efukt fukt me #gotrekt

I was on Efukt today and I saw something that has had a pretty big impact on me. For those that don’t know, Efukt is a site that hosts videos of the weirdest, funny or utterly disgusting pornography. Most of what’s on there is funny, though questionable, and always leaves me pondering a lot about the human condition after a visit. I hadn’t been on Efukt for quite some time, so I decided to give it a shot. I saw a lot of what I would normally see on there, no big surprises. I got some laughs, some instances where I was left wondering if what I was seeing legal or not and I got myself some thinking material. But then I saw something that fucked me up royally. The clip I saw was of a woman wearing high heels, who’s said heel was jammed down the shaft of a man’s disembodied penis. I say “disembodied” because the man was in some kind of wooden box container, with only his penis protruding through a hole in it. Now, I’m aware that men putting things into their japseyes is a fetish. But this was next level. Her full heel was in his dick. Not only that, but he began to piss blood as she drew the heel out of his dick and moved it up and down. After about 30 seconds of this, she removes the heel from his dick completely and even more blood comes out. She then steps on his balls with one foot then uses her other foot to kind of rub the head of his penis. All while still wearing her heels. The guy is still pissing blood out of his dick, but as she’s rubbing his dick with her foot, he comes into the pool of blood he’s just made. The whole time this was going on, the woman kept doing little laughs like it was funny. I honestly couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I literally recoiled in horror at it. It was a bit like when I saw three men one hammer, or two girls one cup, or the video of that guy with the glass jar up his ass, and it smashes, and he picks out the glass from his asshole in complete silence. It was the same feeling. And I really can’t stop thinking about it. Like, how do you get there? Psychologically, how do you get to the point that you’re doing this shit? It really baffles me. I suppose these are the extremes of masochism, but to think that such extreme pain could give you pleasure is just crazy to me. I understand hair pulling, spanking and other forms of passion fueled pain/pleasure things. But this is systematic pain. Pain that could be considered worse than certain torture techniques. I’d honestly prefer to have my fingernails ripped off than have a woman in heels jam the shaft of her heel into the hole in my dick. I have no real point to make about this, so I’m rambling now, but jesus christ. I just can’t stop thinking about how fucked up that is and I needed to get it off my chest. It’s not exactly something you bring up in polite conversation, so. I guess it’s relegated to tumblr instead. Which ironically is the heel in the dick of the internet.

[theloniuswomb-blog]

Spiderman: Homecoming Can Suck My Fucking Dick.

Holy Shit. Where do I even start with this film? I wanted to like it a lot. I was intrigued by the casting of Tom Holland as Spider Man. He came off well in the Marvel Civil War movie, I remember thinking to myself; “Hey! His part was funny! Just the right amount of awkward, slash, comical that I instantly recognize as Spider Man. Awesome!” Now, I usually have doubts about any superhero adaption since the hit to miss ratio is all over the place, but this I thought could work quite nicely.  I saw the trailer, and like the little whore that I am, it got me wet. Wet hot with sexual anticipation. The CGI looked impressive. The action sequences looked crisp and innovative, the tone of the shots were dark and brooding. I expected drama, emotion and a plot-line that, although may not be the most original, could perhaps come through with some good acting and a tight script; with some inspired direction thrown in for good measure. This was the package I was creating for myself in my brain. My golden goose's egg.  And, much like Verruca Salt, I made a big song and dance about it to everyone, throwing glitter and sheets of colored plastic all over the room. But also like Verruca Salt, I also got hit with the trap door. A trap door that golden eggs get shat down, and so do we, right along with em; to burn for all eternity while Gene Wilder laughs at our scorched bodies.  First off, let's start with the tone of the movie. It doesn't have one. It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. It's got this light hearted vibe when Spidey is around that feels completely alien to the murky goings on of the Vulture. You get scenes where Peter Parker is walking through the school, drooling over hot girls in the most forced and gormless way. (SPOILER: Most of the film is of Tom Holland looking gormless at everyone around him.) Juxtaposed with Michael Keaton straight up killing people in the most nonchalant way possible. It's kind of infuriating, it was like there were two movies going on in tandem and neither of them had any particular relevance to the other. I must say, Michael Keaton gave a fairly decent performance, but he could have been used so much better. I saw Birdman recently (something I couldn't ignore as a massive, quite probably intended irony of Keaton's career) and I was impressed. I had problems with that film too (But I'll leave that for another review) but overall the acting was really fucking solid. Like I say, I was impressed. But obviously, good acting doesn't matter anymore for films like this. I honestly thought the newer incarnations of Batman would have taught a lesson to the makers of these kinds of movies. But obviously not.  Let's get to Peter. Peter is the most insufferable character ever. He's meant to be very smart, yet doesn't use his brain once. Not only does he not use his brain to problem solve, but he doesn't use it for introspection at all. The amount of times he puts other people's lives at risk in this movie is astounding. If this feature of the plot was used as a tool to move Peter's character forward as he matures into a new and exciting world, I can forgive this whole problem. In fact, that's kind of what I wanted to see. Progression. But it never comes. Spider Man sees bad guys robbing the bank. He attacks, not even stopping when he realizes they have incredibly powerful weapons. He carries on and ends up blowing up a deli over the street of a man that earlier in the movie is established, that he knows. Not once does he show any remorse for this horrible incident. He ruined a man's career, livelihood, and potentially could have killed him if he happened to live above the shop.

In another instance, Parker sees bad guys driving; he attacks them on the highway where loads of other people could die from all the high tech weapons going off at high speeds. He knew the types of weapons they had but did it anyway. He could have followed them to their destination, found out where the base was, who was involved in the organization and work out a plan. He could even find out the buyers if he cased them for a few weeks. But this thought never crosses Peters mind. It's just attack all problems in the face until they die. I mean fuck, this is a whiz kid of physics and science, some of the most logical shit ever. Yet he can't even think up a simple fucking plan to take on his enemies? Honestly, it's so hard to relate to Peter in this movie. You'd have to be some kind of autistic sociopath in order to find him tolerable. After a while Tony Stark comes along. Fuck me, Robert Downey Jr. couldn't give one flying fuck about this movie. And it showed like hell. His whole character in the film was just him playing himself not caring in various tropical places. I honestly believe Tony Stark represented how little of a fuck the writers and director cared about this film. He was a direct mouthpiece for the writers of the movie to say “fuck you” to the audience. Honestly, every time Parker fucked up, Tony would say “Oi, Parker, stop fuckin around!” but never explains why. He never says “Hey, you could have killed people back there! Are you insane?” instead he half asses his reasons and when Parker questions him on it he just says “because I said so.” Like fuck, you'd think after the first time Spidey fucks up, that's the time to sit down and talk. Jesus Christ should you even wait for a first-time-fuck-up in this scenario? Tony Stark, one of the smartest men alive, waits for Spidey to fuck up three times, THREE TIMES, with the third seeing spider man nearly sinking a whole ship of people due to his negligence. Hundreds would have died. It's incredible.

So, Iron Man finally gives some punishment after this. He takes away Parkers new shiny Stark Spidey Suit, to which Parker says “I'm nothing without that suit!” to which Stark replies; “if you're nothing without this suit, you don't deserve it.” or something to that effect. Instead of Peter having a moment of clarity and saying “fuck, people nearly died, I nearly died. Maybe I need to switch up my game and show Iron Man I'm more mature than this. Show I can use some strategy and grow into this role I'm destined to have and finally use my genius brain to devise a plan.” Nope. That's wishful thinking partner and you can get shot around here for that kinda talk.  Instead what we get is Parker learning nothing, and him creating some kind of device that allows him to go out and fuck up even faster and directly than before. They use some kind of tracker map to find the Vulture, who is breaking into an airplane full of Stark weapons. An Iron Suit included. Now, what the actual fuck? I don't know if the Vulture knows this, but Iron Man can remotely control his suits. If one were stolen, you can bet your bottom dollar he'd activate it and cane your operation into next week. But the Vulture MUST have known that, since he remotely controlled his own mechanical wings to try and kill Parker earlier in the movie. So what in the actual fuck is this man doing? He's inviting Iron Man into his lair. Willingly. It's the most stupid thing ever. It also gives so little motivation for Parker to do anything about the situation. Once he realizes it's Stark tech, he should have left. Because Parker also knows Iron Man remotely controls his suits, there's a whole scene that points this out near the beginning of the film for fuck's sake. The Vulture would have been a goner immediately upon the knowledge of the hijacking. It's easily the most retarded part of the film.   So Spidey decides to go all-in despite knowing Iron Man could easily kill this guy remotely and nearly ends up causing this plane to crash all over the city, no doubt killing thousands of people. In fact, an engine falls out while they're fighting on the plane's wings. Parker shows no regard for that at all. No remorse for the people that no doubt were killed by the falling debris. Fortunately, Spidey manages to use his webs to bend the out-of-control plane wing and steer them to safety. (Well, he crashes the plane into a sandbank.) He takes down the Vulture and leaves him tangled at the scene old school Spidey style, with a note to boot. Wow. How amazing. And he did it all without his shiny suit! He overcame so many obstacles and shortcomings, we really went on a journey there with old Petey boy there. Oh wait, that was the film I was daydreaming about while I was being shat on by this movie. Upon Stark learning of this situation, he instantly has Spider Man brought to the new headquarters of the Avengers, where he was about to announce Spider Man as a new, key member, along with an even better shiny suit. Like, what? Seriously? This kid needs a dressing down, not a new three piece. But it doesn't come. All we get is Parker declining the offer, you get a mild sense that he realizes that he's in over his head, and maybe this is all a bit much for him. But it's not really expressed very well. It all feels so odd and disjointed. I mean here we have Iron Man, the guy who cared about people dying from collateral damage in Civil War; who hunted down the Winter Soldier because he was a danger to the public, (who also for some reason killed Tony's parents,) caused a rift with the current most powerful heroes and his teammates, as he also wanted them to register their identities to an official data base to help reign them in and hold them accountable. Yet for some reason Tony couldn't give the time of day to say “Hey kid, tone it down you're getting crazy out there.”  I'll stop ragging on the film soon, but before I do, I want to mention the love interest. This was one of the most wooden romances I've ever seen. No chemistry. She was called Lizzy. It turns out Mary Jane is the other sarcastic girl who makes the closest things to jokes in the movie. Which I liked, but they didn't do nearly enough with. Again, there was an opportunity for him to grow with this character, have his attention turned to MJ, have him realize this Lizzy girl was a bit vacuous and boring, while this other girl was interesting and fun. But again it didn't happen. Instead, Lizzy moves away because of plot reasons that I won't give away, and MJ is merely hinted at as the new romance for the next film. Which is fucking boring. Honestly, it's so dull. I hated all the romance scenes. I wanted to like them, I mean shit, the girl was so hot. They even get an ass shot of her in her bikini. I was like “wow these are meant to be 15-year-old kids, what are they thinking? Isn’t this inappropriate for a kids movie?” (They are not 15-year-old kids, just to clarify. But for the plot, they were). They could have used this screen time to have Peter reflecting on his Uncle Ben, or bonding with his Aunty. Who, in my opinion, should have been told about the Spider Man thing. I think her knowing earlier in the film would have been a good dynamic to use. He should have told her right away after his first fuck up. I know it might deviate from traditional Spider Man lore, but as a film, it would've been a much more interesting watch. Aunt May is such a central figure to the Spider Man universe, as is the Uncle Ben storyline, but neither are given any sort of focus. Overall this film is garbage. In true Warski style, it was Garbage. Full on trash. I hated Guardians of the Galaxy less, and that's saying something. That is really saying something. Because that movie was awful. For Spider Man I have to say: the overall plot was good, but there were so many missed opportunities that it became more like a midlife crisis by the end. The choices to make for this story seemed so obvious, it was almost like they were purposefully not taking the logical steps in the narrative in order to make this movie as painful as possible. (Because the razor wire they'd jammed way up in your ass, to the tune of £13.50 for 3D, just wasn't quite painful enough.) Fuck this movie, nobody should see it, I hope it fucking bombs in the box office. Which it won't because, like the little whores that we are, we're all just gonna fan-boy for Spidey like we always do. I honestly regret spending money on this. Don't even buy the DVD, it's not worth it.

Before I go I need to mention something else; humor. Peter was not funny. He had moments of fun, sure. But he was not funny. Peter Parker is witty. He is known for wit, not fun. Again, this could have been used as a plot device to show his coping mechanism for dealing with such raw shit all the time. He exudes wit and comedy in the face of danger, then behind closed doors doubts himself. Like fuck, is a 15-16 year old really meant to be doing this shit? Getting involved in weapon trafficking and the criminal world after his Uncle Ben being shot and killed? As an aside, thank god they didn't make us re-live Uncle Ben's death. I was glad they kept that as a past event that we didn't need to see. One of the few good touches of the film. You could say it was like wiping just a bit of shit off your arse with your finger. There's not quite as much shit there anymore, but now it's on your finger, so. There you go.  So, what's my ultra biased and not subjective at all, star rating for this film? 1.5 out of 5. Some action was good, the 3D sucked, the acting sucked, the writing sucked, the CGI was good, Michael Keaton was good, everyone else didn't give a shit and ultimately it showed. Don't see this film. Boycott it harder than Isreal.

[theloniuswomb-blog]

Orange Soda?

The audience took their seats, the hushed yet excited murmurs of the crowd reverberated around the set. The camera crew began to focus their lenses, and the sound team readied the boom mics for recording. A crew member hushed the crowd, then proceeded to count them down. Three. Two. One. “Ayyy everybody!” came the voice of child actor Kenan Thompson as he strode out onto the stage, as he did, the crowd erupted into cheering and hollering. From the opposite side, child actor Kel Mitchell also took to the stage with a similar reception,  “what’s up everybody? I’m Kenan, and this is Kel. How yall doing?” The crowd responded with whistling and jeering, “alright yall calm down, calm down. Today, we’ve got something special for you. A love story for the ages,” the crowd gave an obligatory ‘oooooohhhh’ in accompaniment, “yeah, that’s what I thought. Expect romance,” another ‘oooohhh’, “expect danger,” another ‘ooohhh’, “expect ora-” “Orange soda?!” screamed Kel in what almost seemed like a dramatised PTSD outburst. The crowd of course laughed in that canned, white, middle class kind of way. “No not Orange Soda. Why always the Orange Soda Kel? Did your mother inject Orange Soda into her groin during pregnancy? Huh? Why Kel? Why the Orange Soda?” Demanded Kenan in his fantastically animated way. Kenan waited for a reply, but could only look on into Kel’s deadpan face, as he stared into what could only be described as the abyss, “man forget’chu, I can’t work with this guy, get this negro outta my face, god damn!” Kenan ranted as he blustered his way off stage. Kel remained on the stage, stood in front of the red satin curtains unmoving. Then suddenly, as if possessed by some kind of spirit, Kel snapped to attention and yelled; “Awwww here it goes!” waved his arms in a kind of dismissive manner, then waltzed off stage. Fade to black.                                                                        ~*~ Kenan, at age thirty eight, was still working part time at Rigby’s, a grocery store in New City, close to Englewood in central Chicago. And he was stressed, as usual. Over the years the store had been robbed over and over again, so much so that Chris now kept a twelve gauge under the counter. Kenan himself had been robbed numerous times on his way home and his part time salary couldn’t quite cut the mustard when it came to replenishing his lost items. Sat behind the counter, Kenan couldn't take his eyes off the shotgun. So far this year four hundred and forty three people had been shot and killed in Chicago. Seventy seven of those between Englewood and New City alone. Three hundred and seventy eight of those victims were black, making them nearly eighty percent of the total casualties. Eighty eight murderers had been found and convicted, and sixty six of them were black. Why? Kenan was stressed. He loved his people, but he couldn’t help but wonder if one day, he might just have to use that twelve gauge on one of his own. To take his mind off things Kenan stood up and began to wipe the counters down. The shop was empty, and they’d be closing up for the night soon. He started to wonder just why Coolio had agreed to write the theme tune to the Kenan and Kel show, and how much the production company had actually paid him. He wasn’t against the decision, but he couldn’t help but feel that the choice of rapper was a little unsettling for a kids show. Perhaps MC Serch from 3rd Bass would have been better. Or perhaps Hammer. As Kenan contemplated this conundrum, he was interrupted by a loud bang as the two front doors burst open. “Heeeyyyyy!” Screamed an intoxicated Kel. He kicked his way into the store, a-la Michael Jackson. He screamed “Ho!” at the top of his lungs and proceeded to glide around on his feet to an invisible beat. Kenan, stressed, marched around the counter and gripped his drunk friend by the shirt, stopping his gleeful dancing in it’s tracks. “God damn Kel, you can’t keep coming here drunk man, you’ll get me fired!” said Kenan hotly. “Aw Kenan, calm down man, I just had a few orange sodas and rum man, shit. Why you always so uptight?” replied Kel, slurring his words. “Uptight? Uptight?” repeated Kenan, his voice getting higher with each repetition, “I’m a thirty eight year old black man working part time in a convenience store with no prospects or ambitions and can barely make rent Kel. This is all I have man, can’t you understand that?” Kenan’s eyes were practically bulging out of his head as he explained himself. “Alright, alright jeez,” slurred Kel as he lazily loosed Kenan’s grip on his shirt, “I get it, no more drunk in the place where we are, yeah. Look, Kenan, can I talk witchu for a minute? I need to talk to you for a minute, have you got a minute?” despite Kel’s obvious inebriation, Kenan could tell there was something serious on Kel’s mind. Kenan looked at the clock and saw there was only five minutes before closing. Chris wasn’t due back for another half hour, he could close a little early and hear his friend out this once.

“Alright Kel, this once. But so help me if this is some dumb shit, you are out of my life forever. Do you hear me?” Kenan said as he began locking the front doors and turning the ‘Open’ sign to ‘Closed’. As he was waiting for the shutters to lower, Kenan’s mind began to wander... Just what was Good Burger anyways? It was just a crummy sketch from a two bit childrens comedy show. Did it really deserve it’s own movie? The budget was eight point five million dollars. Who’s justifying that? They even got Sinbad on that project. The post man from Jingle All The Way. The guy is a comedy genius, he had no business being in something as self serving as Good Burger. The guy had HBO stand-up comedy specials for christ’s sake, he’s no joke. The click and lock of the shutters pulled Kenan out of his train of thought and back to reality. He turned to a now rocking on his feet Kel. “Alright Kel, come with me to the back, you’ve got ten minutes,” he gripped Kel by his shirt yet again and yoinked him into the stockroom of the shop. Kel stumbled into the room and crash landed on a wooden crate. Even sitting down Kel looked as though he could fall down at any minute. Kenan shut the door behind them and leant against the wall looking at Kel, “so Kel. What’s going on man? Why are you so drunk? What’s going on here?” asked Kenan, his demeanour a little softer now. “Kenan, baby. I got something to tell you. I wanted to tell you for so long man. So long,” Kel closed his eyes as he spoke. He looked as though he was about to cry, “you know, you know I love orange soda right? You know I do,” “Oh for fuck’s sake Kel ar you for real? I closed early and risk my job for this? You’re crazy!” yelled Kenan, waving his arms angrily. “But there’s something I love more than that,” cut in Kel. Kenan stood in silence, his mouth agape. He’d never heard Kel say anything like this before. Kenan had always suspected Kel of being vaguely autistic, or perhaps had a severe case of ADHD. His constant catch phrasing, cringy jokes, dumb attitude and all around goofiness had led Kenan into the dangerous waters of arm-chair psychology. Yet despite that, Kel had always been loyal and trustworthy. A true friend when none other had been there. Because of that, Kenan had never quite been able to shake his goofy friend; no matter how risky, dumb or ridiculous his behaviour. “What do you mean man? I didn’t think you loved anything more than Orange Soda,” replied Kenan tentatively. “Well I do, I do I do I do I--” “For god's sake Kel, why?” interrupted Kenan. “Sorry,” Kel apologized, then recomposed himself, “but the thing I love more than Orange Soda is; you,” Kenan stood amazed. He couldn’t believe what he’d just heard, “I should have told you a long time ago, but I couldn’t. I don’t know why. You’ve been with me through everything, four seasons, two movies and bunch of sketch and guest appearances. I didn’t know how to tell you, so I had a few drinks to build up my courage. We’re both getting older now and time is running out. Friends seem to be dying every year, I’m scared that soon we won’t have nothing left. So I had to tell you,” said Kel. His eyes averted to the ground. Kenan sat next to Kel. He put his hand on Kel’s back and stroked it sensitively. Kenan was bewildered, confused and aroused at this confession. His emotions were in a whirlwind, and yet he felt moved to go with his instincts. “Kel, you know I gotchu,” said Kenan. As he did, he lifted Kel’s chin with his finger, Kel’s eye’s looking into his, “in my heart of hearts, I always knew we were more than brothers. Kiss me boo.” Kel’s eyes lit up, and the two entered into a passionate lip wrestling match. Kel took Kenan’s face in his hands, drawing him even closer into the kiss. Kenan groped at Kel’s body, rubbing his hands up and down his newfound lover’s silhouette. The two stood, both of them wanting a better vantage point to access each others wanting bodies. Kel wasted no time, he began to untie Kenan’s apron with the skill of Casanova untying a corsette. Soon enough, the apron had been dropped to the floor.  Within minutes, the two were left with nothing but their underwear, their massive kaleidoscopes jutting dominantly from their crotches. “I’ve been waiting for this for so long,” whispered Kel into Kenan’s ear, his warm breath stimulating Kenan’s nervous system. Gently, yet confidently, Kel eased Kenan back against the stockroom wall. Then, whilst looking directly into Kenan’s eyes, Kel slowly squatted down to the ground. As he went, he slid Kenan’s underwear from his hips, down to his feet; exposing Kenan’s throbbing nine inch python. Without a word, Kel slipped the tip of Kenan’s pulsating penis into his mouth. He was gentle at first, but quickly became more vigorous. He used his hands as he went, moistening Kenan’s shaft like an oiled tree trunk. “Oh my god Kel, suck my dick,” muttered Kenan in ecstasy, “oh please baby, suck my dick.” Kenan’s gentle words spurred Kel on. He began to fit more of Kenan’s penis into his mouth, saliva congealing all over Kenan’s black obelisk. He was almost gagging now, the cock too big for his throat. Kenana had taken hold of Kel’s head and began to ram his powerful cock into Kel’s mouth mercilessly. Kel liked the lack of control and allowed his gag reflex to be sent haywire by the raging masculinity of his former friend and co-star. After this activity came to a crescendo Kel let the dick fall from his mouth, spit, snot and traces of stomach acid clung in threads from Kel’s mouth. But there was no time to waste, the tip of Kel’s penis felt as though it were on fire. An olympic torch just waiting to ignite the fires of this opening ceremony. Kel stood up, his face a wet mess and ordered: “Turn around bitch.” Kenan turned around mindlessly. He knew what was to come, and he embraced it wholeheartedly. Kel pressed himself against the back of Kenan. Their ebony skin sliding against each other like wet pebbles. Kel leant back and admired Kenan’s carribean booty. He’d wanted to tear that ass up for the past twenty two years. He wasn’t about to let this opportunity go to waste. He dropped his underwear to the ground and kicked them away. His rock hard cock swung defiantly from side to side like a metronome. Getting in closer, Kel pressed his cock up against the anticipating sphincter of his friend. “Are you ready?” Asked Kel. “Yes,” answered Kenan. Though in truth, he was becoming unsure. Before Kenan could interject, Kel slid is viper like manhood into Kenan’s puckered-up poop shoot. Kenan hollered in both pain and pleasure. The sensation was like shitting in reverse, and it felt oh so satisfactory. Kel, despite his power, was gentle in the beginning. Slowly giving Kenan his rod inch by inch, and with each inch Kenan grew more and more overwhelmed with orgasmic sensations.                                                                           ~*~ Roger pulled up in the parking lot at the back of Rigby’s. He’d come to pick up his son Kenan from work. He sat in the car a while as he waited for his son to finish up inside. He turned on the radio to keep himself entertained. The nostalgic ‘Rockit’ by Herbie Hancock was playing and he leant back into his seat and smiled. The nostalgia was taking him back through memory lane. He’d worked with the best. Dolph Lundgren, James Belushi and Rob Zombie. He’d appeared in the original Dawn of the Dead, and the remake, as well as some of George A. Romero’s other, less established works. Hell, he’d even done voiceover work for San Andreas and had even had the leading role in various B-Movie action flicks. He was truly a hollywood legend. And yet, here he was, still waiting outside Rigby’s waiting to pick up his deadbeat son from work. As he pondered, another car pulled up nearby in the parking lot. A white guy popped out of the drivers side. Roger recognized his as Chris, Kenan’s boss. Acting fast Roger opened the car door and stood up, “Hey Chris! How are you?” waved Roger. “Oh Roger, nice to see ya,” Chris turned and walked towards Roger, “I hear you have a radio in that car, nice. Me too,” Roger was slightly bewildered that in 2016 a man would still feel the need to say something like that, but he guessed old habits die hard, “you here to get Kenan?” asked Chris. “As always,” smiled Roger, his baritone voice crisp in the night air. Chris laughed then said; “All these years later and it’s still the same story. Wanna come through? I’ll get ya a soda on the house,” proposed Chris. “Sure,” said Roger, “A soda sounds good.”                                                                             ~*~

Kel’s dick was deep in Kenan’s Grand Canyon now. His thrusts had become quicker, harder. Kenan was shocked, he hadn’t expected so much pleasure. Though, he couldn’t help but feel conflicted. His whole life, he’d never felt any kind of homosexual urge. Of course, there was those rare times he could look at another man and say ‘yeah, that guy’s alright’. Yet, he’d never thought about acting on those latent desires. He felt liberated, free, a new man. With Kel by his side and deep inside his dank, dark dungeon, there was nothing they couldn’t do. And yet, as wave after wave of pleasure crashed through his body, like the sea breaking on the shore, he couldn’t help but feel that perhaps this was wrong. The two of them had been friends all these years. Were they ruining that now? Would their relationship be forever tainted after this moment? But Kenan couldn’t think anymore. Kel’s hips were ferocious, the rhythm of his movements bringing them both to climax. Kenan began to moan, he could feel the pressure in his loins growing. Kel felt it too, the anticipating sensation of impending ejaculation. Kel kept the rhythm going, despite being almost over the edge and running on empty. The pressure was building, like a soda bottle shaken to the extreme, just waiting to be popped open by an unsuspecting child.

At that moment, Chris and Roger walked in. The smiles on their faces quickly becoming looks of horror and shock. Kenan and Kel both looked up, Kel looking into Chris’s eyes, and Kenan into his father’s. Suddenly it was all too much for the lovers, and the two of them exploded their testes in unison, like some kind of city square water feature. Kel eased into his orgasm, letting the waves of pleasure take him out to sea. While Kenan, almost in tears screamed:

“WHYYYYYYYY!?”

                                                                           ~*~

The audience sat shocked as the red curtains descended and closed the scene. The families looked around, aghast at what they’d just seen. The camera crew were still rolling, anticipating the comedy duo to return back to the stage for their closing bit. Phrases like “that was a great take” could be heard coming from the crew and the directors, almost as if they’d seen something completely different to the stunned audience.

After a good few minutes the two ran back on stage, their demeanour jovial and upbeat.

“Hey folks, what a show!” exclaimed Kenan, “god damn it doesn’t get much better than that, right? Right?” Kenan reiterated to Kel and Kel responded emphatically.

“Yo Kel, hold up. I got an idea. Get me, two bags of potato chip, three bottles of lube, six condoms, three male prostitutes, two grams of heroin, a bottle of poppers and a my little pony t-shirt and meet me at the abandoned car factory, let’s go!” shouted Kenan as he ran off the stage. Kel looked on confused, and began to yell after Kenan:

“Hey Kenan, I don’t know where to get a my little pony t-shirt! Kenan!? Aw, here it goes!” exclaimed kel, then he too ran off stage.

The audience sat in silence, while the applause sign flashed on and off. Nothing could be heard, and nobody moved.

The End.

[theloniuswomb-blog]

Buffy The Pussy Slayer

The night was in full swing and the drinks had been flowing freely. Well, about as freely as a high school librarians wage could muster. The two of them had decided on The Bronze, the local trendy nightclub that all the youth were raging about. The conversations between them had ranged, there had been laughs, sighs and the occasional flirtatious glance.

"Thanks for taking me out Giles, I really needed this," said Joyce, her eyes connecting with his. "Oh, it's my pleaseure Joyce. We've all had a lot on recently. It only seemed right we blow off some, eh, steam as it were," replied Giles in his awkward yet eloquent style of speech.

Joyce looked into his eyes for a moment. Ever since episode six of season three,  the sexual tension between them was still tangible. Giles was a handsome man in his own way, and Joyce was indeed a well groomed and comely woman.

"Hey guys!" the familiar pitchy voice of their friend Willow shocked the two from their secluded rendvu, "Whatcha doin out here? This isn't like you," asked Willow who was quite visibly inebriated. "Oh Willow, how are you? We, eh, just thought we'd head out for a drink, find out what all the fuss was about," answered Giles, motioning to the bar. "No way, you guys are on a date!" Willow began to laugh the laugh a drunk person laughs when they laugh. "Hey, Giles, why don't we go back to my place? I have a bottle rum that needs finishing off," offered Joyce. "Well, I guess a nightcap wouldn't go amiss. Willow would you care to join us?" asked Giles as he finished off his beer. "Um, yeah sure, why not? I was out here on my own anways," replied Willow, her face twice as animated as useual. "On your own? Good heavens why? What happened to--?" Giles tried but was cut off. "We broke up. So I thought I'd get drunk as hell and maybe try and get laid," Willow informed them, dejected. "But no luck." "Good God Willow. Come," Giles downed a shot, "Joyce let's get going, the rum awaits!" Joyce picked up her coat and downed her shot. The three of them bolted towards the door, jackets in hand and the stench of alcohol on their breath. "Thank God we're back inside. It's gotten bitter cold out there," said Giles as he took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack. "Oh my god, yeah," agred Willow as she decked out on the sofa, kicking her shoes off. "Rum, rum, rum, rum, rum!" chanted Joyce as she headed towards the kitchen in search of the malted beverage, "Ah, ha! Here we go. Now, glasses. Glasses, glasses, glasses," she muttered to herself as she rummaged in the cupbaord. "Are you okay Willow? What happened with you and your girlfriend?" enquired Giles as he sat adjacent from the ginger witch. "Oh god," moaned Willow, putting her arm over her face, "I don't wanna tlak about it. You've heard it all before anyways." "Say no more," replied giles, raising his hands in the air, "I completely understand." The clatter of galsses hitting the cofee table drew their attention. "I know what you need," slurred Joyce, a twinkle in her eye, "rum." Willow shot upright in her seat, hands int he air in a rejoycing manner. "Yes! Rum! Gimmie the rum!" said Willow, childish excitement in her voice. Joyce laughed and began pouring the rum into three crystal glasses. "Wow Joyce these are pure, patterened, crystal glasses. I never knew you had such remarkable taste," complimented Giles as he picked up his drink. "You know Giles, I never knew you were so handsome until I had around six whisky and mixers," teased Joyce, her sultry milf voice nailing the punchline. Giles laughed heartely, his affection for Joyce evident in his demeanour. "Wow, there's something gong on between you two ins't there? You can't hide from me, I am the sherlock holmes of romance," chimed Willow, her eyebrows raised in a suggestive way. "Mybe there is maybe there isn't," replied Joyce playfully as she finally sat down between Willow and Giles with her drink in hand. "Oh, there is, and it is hot. Steaming hot," exclaimed Willow as she reached for her drink. Giles laughed at the two of them, amused at their bantering. "All this talk of steam and handsomeness has got me a litle hot under the collar," said Giles a little embarrassed at the attention. "Well why don't you take it off then? Peel off a few, layers," challanged Joyce seductively. "Oh come now, I couldn't do that, really--" Giles tried to object, flustered and yet amsused. "I don't mind," said Willow, her face innocent, yet knowing. "Here," said Joyce, sitting forwards, "let me help you." With one hand, Joyce put her glass onto the cofee table and with the other, reached over to Giles's shirt and began to unbutton his collar. Giles sat in silence, his breath suddenly beginning to shudder slightly. After a few buttons had been loosed, Joyce moved in to kiss Giles. Giles responded, his lips locking with her red lipstick. Their wet orafacies conjoined in spiritied communion. Joyce glided over onto Giles lap with the elegance of a veteran strip tease performer, her hands coming to the bottom buttons of his cotton shirt. To Giles surprise, Willow began to kiss the side of his neck and the lobe of his ear. He did not complain. Completeing her task, Joyce flung Giles shirt apart and began to dismantle the clasp of Giles belt. Willow had also lost her shirt, and had begun to caress Giles's chest and abdomen as he kissed Joyce's neck and cheek. Joyce could feel Giles's penis begin to rsie, it's hardening exterior jutting into her inner thigh and exiting her beyond measure. She began to kiss his neck, her lips like an electric current on his skin. Giles began to groan under his breath, his hand reaching out to Willows body. He drew her closer, the three of them kissing in unison now, their tongues flailing in an erotic free-for-all. Saliva drenched their faces, but they didn't care, the slimy wetness of it all fueling their eroticism. Joyce ripped Giles's belt from his trousers, the leather band shooting from the hoops at his waist. Joyce was eager now, her hands going to his trouser buttons and zip and unclapsing them with ease. Willow had stripped down to her underwear, her fingers exploring the moist cavern between her legs. Spurlunking. Giles was enticed now, he began to pull Joyce's clothes from her body. He succedded with her top, but encountered a problem with her skirts. Without a word, Joyce broke away and with a smile on her face and stood up. She dropped her skirts to the floor, revealing a body a mother shouldn't have. He noticed the faint streaks of stretch marks on her skin, yet this only excited him more; she was a true woman; of the world and unafraid. She straddled him again, but this time she kissed Willow, the two of them giving him a show. Willows milky skin seemd to glow in the warm yellow lights, and giles saw her for the first time as she truly was; a sexy red-headed lesbian with a desire for English cock and older crumpet. The two women stood, kissing and caressing eachothers bodies. Their two forms melding together like two garden slugs in mating season. Giles slowly undressed his lower half, exposing his pulsating man-rod. His pubic hair was trimmed and slightly grey. Joyce noticed this and it turned her on greatly. Not only was this man refined, but he had a little class as well. Willow was as wet as the rivers of babylon, her thick woman juices gushing from her vagina. She was ready, and the anticipation only excited her more. The feel of Joyce's body on her own was comforting, and she was close, tight. Like a second skin. Joyce broke away, her eyes connecting with Giles as he sat there tending to his manhood. "Stop, you don't need to do that anymore," she whispered as she climbed ontop of his naked body. "Joyce, you are simply wonderful," Giles whispered back into her ear, the sensation if his breath on her ear sending jolts of pleasure through her nervous system. Joyce took Giles's penis into her hand, and with her other, she moved the lining of her black panties to one side, and slid his shaft into her wet, wanting wafflehouse. She gasped at how enormous it felt inside her. It had not looked small, but sometimes looks could be deceiving. She began to ride him, slowly at first, easing him into her motions. Giles responded in kind, his breath becoming heavier, harsher, more exasporated. Willow, not wanting to be a wallflower, set herself down on Giles leg, his thigh between hers. She began to rub her vagina against his hard thigh muscle. Slowly, gently, Willow slid her hand down Joyce's stomach and into her panties, her fingers finding the hottest button a person could press. Joyce began to moan, loudly. Her hips moving in a wave motion, gyrating backwards and forwards, his dick being pulled against the roof of her vagina. Giles helped her, his hands on her waist, follwong her movements and exentuating them. Pushing and pulling in unison. Giles was impressed, though he was not surprised. Joyce was a woman of the world, she knew how to get hers. "Fuck me," Giles commanded of Joyce, "oh, fuck me."                                                           ~*~ Xander had been walking home from the store. His plans had been little more than to eat beef jerky and watch cartoons until he passed out and had a wet dream. But on his way he noticed Giles, Joyce and Willow stumbling through town and heading back to Buffy's place. Feeling slightly left out, Xander had followed the trio and had planned to burst in on them all and poop all over their party. He had snuck around the back, and after waiting for Joyce to finish up in the kitchen, had entered as silently as possible to the Summers residence. As he lay in wait for the perfect time to spring in on them, the situation took a turn for the strange. The three of them began kissing and fondling eachother, undressing and groping. Xavier looked on aghast. Had they planned this? Was this a regular thing? Why had they not asked him to join in on the action? He was cool, he was a swinger. Wasn't that obvious from all the hawaiian flower shirts? He was down to pound, able to anal. He was a free bird and he was ready to fly, and yet here he was, watching from the shadows. But he couldn't pull away. His eyes were locked on the scene, he needed to know how far this would really go. Clothes were being dropped left and right and Xander was witnessing something that he knew was special. He suddenly realized that he had a choice; he could leave and try and forget this even happened, or, he could jerk it. Taking a firm grip of his exstatic boner and placing his tounge between his teeth in concentration, he began the motions of what is commonly known as male masturbation. He felt wrong, so wrong, yet he knew in his heart of hearts that this is what any good American would do. What he was witnessing was better than any porn, this was forbidden love. This was his best freind, his best friends mothers ass, and his father figure fucking like sensual maniacs. You couldn't put a price on this, except perhaps your soul.                                                            ~*~ Angel had been lingering in the tree outside of Buffy's window for some time. He had a lot of time to kill, and to be honest, he litterally had nothing better to do. He was a plot device and he knew it, and his spin off series was completely unjustified. During this long stint in the cold, he noticed the lights suddenly flicker on downstairs. When he looked down he also noticed Xander creeping around the back and entering through the back door. He hated Xander, for some reason Angel felt threatened by him, despite the fact Xander didn't have a chance in hell with Buffy. He waited for Xander to close the door behind him, once he had done, he jumped down from the tree to peer in through the windows and see what was going on. He saw Buffy's mother, Joyce, with the Witch and the Watcher. They seemed to be drunk. Angel found this unusual but not completely alien. He was himself a prolific drinker. Suddenly, the three of them began to embark on what can only be described as an orgy. Angel felt strange, torn. Of course, his sole purpose in life was to be in love with Buffy. There was nothing else. He shouldn't have been able to even conceive of it. Yet, seeing Buffy's mother as she dropped her skirt to the floor in such a sexual manner, it did something to him. Her body was lucious, and her hair was fabulous. He watched as Giles undid her brasiere, revealing her two life giving orbs of motherly passion; her face contorting as she rode Giles's stiff member, and the pleasure she no doubt felt as the Witch cuddled up next to her rubbing her cliterous. Before he knew it, Angel's leather pants were crumpled at his ankles and his hands were working furiously on his undead appendage.                                                          ~*~ Buffy had been out late vanquishing the vampire scum that roamed the graveyards at night. She'd gone to clear her head. Her and Angel had been having troubles recently and Giles and the Gang had been putting enormous preassure on her to perform and keep the town safe from ghouls, demons and other such supernatural forces. Kicking a little ass helped her to think straight, and now she felt centered. She rounded the corner near her house but was curious to see that the lights were on. This was strange, as it was past two in the morning. Normally her mother was asleep by now. Perhaps there was something wrong, but she hoped it was just Dawn coming back early from camp and causing trouble. As she neared she could hear noises coming from inside, it almost sounded like yelling, but not quite. It almost sounded rythmic, moaning. She hovered outside the front door, her ear pressed against the wood listening in to try and distinguish just what it was that was going on...                                                         ~*~ "Don't stop Joyce, fuck me harder you bitch!" Giles began to scream, "fuck me, fuck me so fucking hard!" his face and chest were red with the blood of a man completely enthralled in his sexual conduct. Willow was stuffing her pussy with her fingers and using her other hand to rub her cliterous, her juices pouring forth like a broken fire hydrant. Her pitchy moaning entertwining with the groaning of the two elder lovers. Joyce was ravishing Giles now, her moaing becoming roars of orgasmic pleasure. She had already come twice, she was on the cusp of coming again. Blinding lights shone on the back of her eyelids, geometric patterns began to shift into vision and she felt as though she was hurtling through a time warp towards a town called "O". Giles could feel it too, deep inside he could feel his semen rising, bubbling like hot lava ready to erupt from a volcano. Every thrust, every gyration had him ready to explode. His skin felt like it was melting, his muscles felt as though they were about to be ripped apart by the sheer velocity of their sex. Joyce was comming, her moans stopped, and she began the gutterall grunts of a woman exploding her pussy all over a political monument. Giles too was comming, his penis beginning the pulsing, pump like feeling of ejaculation. As he came he began to roar his approval, screaming hallauayahs to the heaves as though the second coming of christ were upon him. His words were unintelligable, in those breif moments of ejacualtion, he became like an animal, unable to use speech, but trying with in every inch of his life to communicate. It was at that moment that the front door suddenly swung open and in the doorway stood none other than Buffy Summers; wide eyed and pointed stake in hand. The trio suddenly froze in fear, their faces glued to Buffy's, Willows fingers still plunged into her vagina, almost lost now. In the silence, they all heard a quiet flapping noise coming from the kitchen, and as buffy looked into the shadows, saw the outline of Xander, hunched over, and furiously smahing his penis and squirting his man cum on the kitchen floor, his shuddering breath echoing off the kitchen tiles. As Buffy stood there dumbfounded, her eyes scanned the room. As she did, her eyes fell on the back window. There, she saw Angel, his shocked face staring back, the hem of his t-shirt firmly clamped beneith his chin, exposing his toned body, and no doubt his well endowed genitalia.

Buffy stood there, the situation now becoming silent. A single tear tracked dwon her face, and she simply turned away without a word to any of them.