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10.21.18
A Relationship with Patriarchy
When I look inside you, I see hell.
When I look into your eyes I see the smoldering embers of hell, waiting to catch fire. The flames rising up to burn, torture, and incinerate me.
When I look into your eyes, I see hell. Who knew the color of hell’s flames are blue, not red?
When I look into your face, I see the devil. A halo of flames surrounding your head.
When I hear your voice, I hear an angry man throwing a fit as a small
boy would.
When I hear your voice, I wait for the yelling. The condemnation. The judgement. The scourge of my soul.
When I hear your voice, I listen to your ideas and feel as if I've been killed yet left alive. My brain first feels on fire. Then goes to white snow.
When I hear your voice, there are only commands spoken. The commands given to a workman. Aimed at a woman. Expected to be blindly obeyed.
When I hear your voice, you speak only by mimicking pleasantries, affection, love when it is a means to satisfy your needs.
When I hear your voice, I hear critical, bitter, complaining.
When I hear your voice speaking to others, I listen to a pleasant storyteller that I don't believe I live with.
When I am close to your body, it's disconnected. Cold. Only approaching me for comfort. Never feeling comfort from you, the warmth that tells me I am loved. The reassurance everything will be okay.
When I am with you, my body is full of pain, I cannot breathe. I rationalize our relationship, but my body will not lie.
I dream of the day you might not be who you are.
I dream of the day I won't see, hear, or feel you.
I dream of the day I will dream for myself again.
#toxic relationship #patriarchy #avoidant #is it love? #risingwomen
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Watched The Hunt today (an early release movie) on Amazon. The days of the far right and the politically correct are dying along with long held cultural ways of living and being. I say this because our collective works of fiction have tended to be prophetic (HG Wells, Orwell, Huxley, parts of every dystopian story ever written) for what we live now in the present day crises. Watching this dark comedy today reminds me of this. Also the past decade has shown signs that the march of fascism and totalitarianism is keeping a steady pace towards becoming a reality. It's become such a blur to me that I can't predict if Big Brother will take power from the far right or the far left. Anyhow, read up on the history of The Black Plague of the 14th century. That history is more indicative of the major societal changes we will be seeing for many years to come with COVID-19 as the catalyst.
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