theplantain-blog

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Lululimonada Yoga Studio Offers Chilly Yoga For Hot Women Who Don’t Want to Sweat

Now that athleisure is the new black, Miami fashionistas eager to stay on-trend have found a place to stay hot and cool at the same time. Lululimonada, the brainchild of local hottie Limonada Muñoz and her even hotter cousin, Lulu Gutierrez, makes it possible to keep your look Facebook-fleek while spreading those top of the line buns: Chilly Yoga! ...

To read more please visit The Plantain

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The Rock is Running For President and Satire is Dead.

The Rock is considering a run for President in 2020. That's true. Also, satire is dead now. It was good while it lasted, I wish I had made more money at it.

During last year's election I started writing an article titled "The Rock is Running for President" but never published it because I thought the joke was too easy and on the nose for the point I intended to make vis-a-vis Donald Trump: That everyone thinks they can be President now.

Now, everyone in the world actually thinks they can be President. So, why shouldn't the Rock run for President? Besides the fact that he has had absolutely no experience in running a government, which doesn't seem to be a requirement for running the federal government anymore anyway? It's because he will win! And we shouldn't be okay with that...

To read more visit The Plantain.

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Trump Goes Full Nixon

President Donald Trump has gone full Nixon, defiantly telling NBC News Anchor Lester Holt: "I am not a crook" when asked about reports that he has really been paid millions of dollars by Russian interests over the last decade.

This marks the end of a very bad week for the President, which began with his really firing FBI Director James Comey after Comey really refused to swear loyalty to the President and really asked the Justice Department for more money to investigate collusion between the Trump Administration and Russia, an act many are really comparing to President Nixon's "Saturday Night Massacre" in which Nixon really fired Independent Prosecutor Archibald Cox during the midst of his Watergate Investigation.

When asked for a justification for Comey's firing, the President inexplicably really did seem to suggest...

To read more visit The Plantain.

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Miami Government Prepares for Season Premiere of "La Pasión Municipal"

It’s hard to tell when Miami got officially hooked on this year’s telenovela lineup.

Maybe it was when beloved everywoman Raquelita left the set of Junta de Educación for her character’s spin-off in La Mujer Jefe, only to see it cancelled after the pilot episode last November. Word at the Presidente check-out aisle is that she’s hoping for a major comeback on Univision in the next 2-4 seasons.

Or it could have been the shake up at Las Amas de Casa de la Ciudad de Miami, when newcomer Zoraida took on an army of suitors in a bid to expand the Barreiro family business beyond her husband Bruno’s struggling ranch. I’m sure none of us saw that coming...

To read more visit The Plantain. 

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Matt Haggman Actually A Set of Twins Sharing One Life

A team of forensic scientists at the University of Miami announced on Thursday that Matt Haggman, the Director of Miami Programming for the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation, is actually a set of twins sharing one life. The discovery was made after Vickram Delsovey, a University of Miami doctoral student, received a notice from Twitter that @theLABMiami tweeted a picture of Mr. Haggman moderating a panel on venture financing for local startups at the very same time Mr. Delsovey was attending a fundraiser for the Underline at which Mr. Haggman was also the keynote speaker. “I mean, how could this guy be in two places at the same time? I had to get to the bottom of it.”

The following week, Mr. Delsovey attended several philanthropic events, cocktail parties, and ideation workshops, soliciting Mr. Haggman’s card at each event. It was not long before fingerprint testing of Mr. Haggman’s business cards revealed two distinct sets of prints.

When presented with the scientific evidence, Mr. Haggman admitted that he was, in fact, Patrick Haggman, Matt Haggman’s identical twin-brother, and that the two have occupied the same existence for the last six-years. “It’s really the only way that I, er, I mean we, could handle the job’s schedule.” The Plantain asked Patrick to connect us to Matt so we could get his thoughts on being discovered, but we were informed that he was busy teaching a communications class at Miami-Dade College and would immediately after board a red-eye flight to Sweden as part of a fact-finding mission on sustainable urban planning. 

Alberto Ibargüen, President and CEO of the Knight Foundation, chuckled when presented with the information. “That actually makes a lot of sense. The guy is everywhere.”

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Marco Rubio Announces Plans to Sell Hoverboards at Bayside Marketplace

Following an embarrassing loss in his home state of Florida, Senator Marco Rubio announced plans to sell hoverboards to Colombian tourists and wealthy German teenagers at Bayside Marketplace in Downtown Miami. "I just think I need a break from politics," the 45-year-old Senator told reporters. The Senator added that he views selling hoverboards as an opportunity to give back to his community. "I mean, have you ever tried one? They’re a lot of fun", Mr. Rubio said with a tear in his eye. 

The unexpected end to Mr. Rubio's once promising political career is just the latest twist in an unconventional election cycle that has been dominated by Donald Trump's seemingly unstoppable rise. When asked his opinion on Mr. Trump and whether he would support him in the general election, Mr. Rubio commented that he was focused solely on the issues that matter to Miamians, like where they can buy a dependable hoverboard and whether they are available in multiple colors. "This feels right. I'm looking forward to this next phase in my life," Mr. Rubio said while sniffling and staring dejectedly at his 4-inch Italian leather boots.

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Doral Woman Yells At Driver She Rear Ended While Texting

Martin Alvarez and his 8-year-old son were involved in a minor traffic accident Tuesday night at the intersection of NW 87th Avenue and NW 58th Street  when Thelma Mendez, a 42-year-old office assistant from Doral, rear-ended Mr. Alvarez’s Mitsubishi Galant while texting her husband “what do u wnt 4 diner?” Following the accident, Mr. Alvarez exited his vehicle in order to inspect the damage. As he approached Ms. Mendez’s leased Mercedes-Benz S-Class to make sure she was not hurt, the mother-of-three rolled down her window to launch an expletive riddled tirade at Mr. Alvarez, blaming him for being a “pinche idiota” that “did not pay enough attention.” 

“I didn’t understand why she was so angry at me”, Mr. Alvarez told reporters. “I was stopped at a red light when she hit me and there was no damage to either car. My son was really worried that she was going to become violent.” Ms. Mendez could not be immediately reached for comment as she was driving home, but responded via text: 

“i hit some car bt no damag. Picked up chickn kitchen, will b home soon.” 

 “srry wrong message. No comment”

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Local Father Insists Teenage Daughter Not Attend ULTRA

With the electronic dance music world congregating in Miami this weekend for the annual Ultra Music Festival, local father Daniel Thorton is adamant that his 19-year-old daughter Amber not attend. Mr. Thorton, an executive with TotalBank who recently moved into a waterfront condominium on Brickell Key following an acrimonious divorce with Amber’s mother, told reporters that the festival is “far too wild a place” for his adult daughter to attend. “I’ve heard of the rampant drug use at the festival and it is frankly the type of place that I need to protect Amber from until she is old enough to make responsible decisions on her own.” 

When asked if Amber’s mother agreed with his decision, Mr. Thorton said that she did not, but noted that Meghan Todwell, Mr. Thorton’s 26-year-old live-in girlfriend and Amber’s former au pair, supported his decision. “Amber’s mother needs to learn how to be a parent. She seems more interested in being Amber’s friend than with disciplining our daughter or instilling positive values on her,” said Mr. Thorton, who sees Amber for brunch on most Sundays and dinner on alternating holidays. When asked to respond to Mr. Thorton’s critiques, Amber’s mother would only comment that she “trusts Amber and her ability to make decisions for herself.” 

Amber, who lives in her mother’s Pinecrest home, insisted that she would still attend the festival this weekend despite her father’s opposition, noting that the tickets and outfit she purchased, which includes a blue synthetic dreadlock wig and several dayglo pacifiers, were nonrefundable. “I’ll just go and not tell my dad,” the FIU sophomore majoring in hospitality said. “I just need to make sure I avoid Meghan when I'm there so she doesn’t rat me out. That bitch.”