therealityofdating-relationships

[therealityofdating-relationships]

What is take 5?

When I say take 5, I mean literally taking 5 minutes. I learned this in counseling and it's changed my relationship with my kids (haven't had a chance to try it with a guy yet...judgement free zone... remember?). When we disagree, mom says "take 5." They then know, mom needs 5 mins to cool down, they need 5 mins to cool down and when that 5 mins is up, we come back together and talk things out. No yelling, no screaming, just genuine communication.

Lets face it, everyone says they don't go to bed angry, but do they actually? 9 times out of 10, it's a big fat negative.

I encourage everyone to try the "take 5" rule. It's a complete relationship changer, and really encourages and practices communication skills.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

A soulmate and true love? What the fuck is that?

I've recently been asked my opinion on what I think a soulmate is. I would love to say, the person that is your friend, that turns into your best friend, that turns into your "forever." But in reality does forever "love" (again using the word love, loosely), really actually exist? I'm seriously debating that. Maybe this is me circling back to being bitter, once again, but here's my thoughts.

Yes, soulmates do exist. I believe that God puts people in our lives for a reason. Maybe to just be our friend, maybe to be more than a friend, maybe even to be our last one. I also believe you can find your soulmate without even meeting, in person. How? Say you spend literally years talking to this person, getting to know the ins and outs of this person, genuinely care about this person without sex. Without physical attraction. Just emotional attraction, yet still care so deeply for them? That my friends, is a soulmate.

On the flip side of that, I also think you can find your forever with also speaking to a guy a few times, meeting them face to face right away, having tons of raw conversations, going on multiple dates, seeing them regularly, and finding your soulmate that way.

Life is crazy. Love is crazy. When I started this blog, if you asked me what I thought love was, I would absolutely hands down circle back to "it's just a word to make people feel wanted and needed", however, giving it time, healing, and tons of thought, love is a feeling that you feel for others that's the deepest thing you can ever feel. Its laughing at stupid jokes. It's finding a common ground. It's being able to take 5 and come together and compromise. It's sitting in a room not having to say 2 single words and still want to be with that person all of the time. Speaking of time, it takes time. It takes trust. It takes healing. Above all, it takes communication and support.

That's my take on a soulmate and true love.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

Say. It. Louder.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

Letting go...or not?

This one comes as a request. When you fall in love (or whatever that feeling/word is), how do you know when it's time to let go, or keep making the initiative?

MY theory goes as such. All too often we as females (the ones that have been hurt, that is), we tend to think the worse, that way we're not let down as much. That said, making the initiative to keep seeing/talking/sleeping with someone, whose not making the initiative to do the same, it's probably time to let go.

Ladies, if he doesn't reach out out to you, he probably has no plans on it in the future. Learn your worth, and don't sit around and wait to a man to reach out first. He's clearly not worthy of your time.

Oh, and just for the record, hold out for one that has the same beliefs as you. Give it to God and let him handle it.

Trust me on this one.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

He called me bitter…

So not too long ago, I was talking to a friend and he called me bitter. Before we go judging (remember, this is a no judgement allowed zone), he asked me how I felt about love. I told him, based on my experience I believe love is just a word to make people feel wanted and needed. Silly me, I thought for sure he would agree with me. Sadly, he called me bitter, but he also broke it down.

Once he called me bitter, I stepped back and realized, he’s absolutely right. I fell in love twice in my life and it ended in heart break. So why on earth would I think that love really does exist? I know I’m not going to die the crazy cat lady feeding pigeons off of a bridge, BUT I also am not getting any younger. I’m 36 years old. I don’t want to be dating anymore. Nobody REALLY wants to date their whole life. We all want to find our person.

For now, I will let love find me. I will not be bitter. I will remain optimistic. I will stop searching for “the one”. I will enjoy my best single life. I will no longer be bitter and allow myself to go with the flow and hopefully fall in love again someday.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

Nail. On. The. Mofo. Head.

Okay, so yes, sex is a big part of any “relationship” (I use the word relationship loosely, because no labels are needed), but what we want most is the random hugs from behind. The spontaneous ass grab. The snuggling until we fall asleep. When they play with our hair to put us to sleep. Those are the things we crave and long for. Guys, take notes…the things above will keep us happy, and when we’re happy, we make you happy 😊

[therealityofdating-relationships]

“You may not be the sweetest peach on the tree, but some people just don’t like peaches.” -credit goes to Reddit

Reread the quote above, and reread it again. All too often I hear, “I’m not good enough for him/her. They’ve made it quite clear. Now what?” Now what? You move on. The reality of it is, you may not be “the one” for someone now, but you will be “the one” for another. That’s where the good ole phrase “there’s other fish in the sea” comes into play. Just because you’re not meant to be with one person, doesn’t mean you’re going to be like me, and be the lonely crazy cat lady, feeding pigeons off of a bridge.” Explore your options. Explore people. Go with the flow. You never know, “the one” may just be right in front of you.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

Know your fucking worth!

Ladies (and some men), we’re all too often taken advantage of. Taken advantage of in multiple ways. Whether it be for favors, money, or even sex. It’s not cute to ask someone to do xyz, or hit us up for a quick booty call. We want something way deeper. Don’t get me wrong, women still love sex, and we love the thought of taking care of someone, but if you’re just going to use us, please just don’t do it. If we’re going to go the extra mile to make sure you’re taken care of and satisfied, at least make time for us. If time isn’t on your side, be upfront and honest. That’s all we’re asking for, and that’s not too much.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

The “label”…

So I’ve had a few of my girls ask me about this one and dating now vs. 5-7 years ago. Why do people automatically think you’re in a relationship if you’ve been seeing a guy for a few months? Is a relationship label really necessary? Why can’t couples (I use the word couple very loosely), go at their own pace and really get to know each other one a deeper level before jumping into anything? When I think of a relationship, I think long term. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but when it comes to a relationship in my eyes, I think long term, compatibility, and happiness. Guys, don’t let anyone force you to label what you have as a relationship. Go at your own pace. Do what makes you happy, because like I say, “life is too short to be anything but happy.”

[therealityofdating-relationships]

How to lose a girl in 10 ways…

After talking to some of my girls, that have been going through some hard times in the relationship department, I broke down their situation and the past situation of my own and came up with a new classic…”How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways…”

10. Honesty. If you can’t be honest and can’t be yourself…we gone.

9. Alcohol consumption. If you have a problem or feel the need to be drunk on the first date or every time after the first date…we gone.

8. Talking about your exes. Dude…we don’t want to hear about your fucking exes all the damn time! Once in a while if they’re brought up in a convo, that’s cool. Explaining why you’re single, that’s cool, but if you are going to talk about them all the time…we gone.

7. Talking about the future right away. Women are emotional creatures. We dream of the perfect relationship, but the minute you start talking about the long term future right away, we will scared and guess what?…we gone.

6. Asking to come back to our place on first date. It’s one thing if it’s offered but for you to ask us if you can come back to our place…negative. Do it…we gone.

5. Toying with our emotions. Guys, if you’re in a relationship and still actively flirting with us and leading us on, you’ve definitely lost a friendship. Let us find out you’re in a relationship after you had been flirting with us and feeling us up (while in the said relationship), there is no coming back from that…we gone.

4. Asking to meet our family or introducing us to your family right away. Guyyyyys! Noooooo! Just nooooo! Let us go at a steady pace. Let us feel the vibe. Let us be friends. Let us meet your friends. Meet our friends. All too often when girls get the invite to meet your family, we often think of long term and sometimes that’s not always the case. Asking us to meet your family right away will scare us and…we gone.

3. Blowing up our phone 24/7. Duuuude…we have a life. Do we want to hear from you? Absolutely! But if we don’t reply right away and come back to 10+ messages, your ass looks desperate, needy, whiny, and…we gone.

2. Talking negatively about our friends. Just no. Absolutely N-O…no questions asked…we gone.

1. And the most important one to remember and the one thing that will allow you to lose us rather quickly…let us find out you’re actively dating us and talking to other girls. You will lose us just as easily as Biden can fall up a flight of stairs. If you really care about us, we will be the only girl you want to talk to and the only girl you need. Let us find out. And lord knows we will. Nothing is more powerful than a woman on a mission. Talk to other girls while in a relationship with us…we gone.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

5 rules for dating a single parent...

This one goes out by request. Us single parents have a lot going on, and taking the time out to go on a date is a lot harder than you think, but when there’s a vibe, there’s a vibe and we make it work.

5. Be patient with us. Just because we cancel on you last minute, doesn’t mean that we’re not interested, it means that something really has come up, and it’s something we have to handle. It’s definitely not something we want to do, but please understand that things really do come up and we are not meaning to blow you off, especially when we’re on our own. (unless you don’t hear from us within 24 hours).

4. Ask us how we’re doing. Not many people understand the strength and patience it takes to be single parent. Ask us how our day was. Make conversation about anything but our kids. We’re with them enough, we crave adult conversation. Talk about the weather, what we had to eat today, our favorite alcoholic beverage (because lord knows we drink...if you’re a single parent and don’t drink...I’m sorry). Talk about anything but our kids!

3. The kids will ALWAYS come first. Hands down. If that’s something that will not work for you, be upfront and honest because that will get you ghosted in no time. We’re hesitant to ask for any assistance because we pride ourselves on being able to handle everything on our own. Don’t be salty if we choose our kids first, because it won’t change anytime soon.

2. Understand. Understand that we absolutely have room in our hearts for someone else besides our kids, but we’re hesitant to let someone else in. Eventually we will let someone else in, but it’s something that takes time and again, more patience. We love with all of our heart and soul and will have a major guard up, not only for ourselves but for our kids as well.

1. Lastly, do not ask to meet our kids. This is a HUGE negative. When the time is right, WE will decide if and when that milestone approaches. We don’t let others in our hearts easily let alone our kids. We love them fiercely and with everything we have and will do anything to protect them from heartache and pain all over again.

Just give us time. That’s all we need. Time and patience. What’s meant to be will be.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

Back to my “experiment”...

As promised, I will explain, throughout my online dating experiment, I met some really great guys. Not all of them I have actually met, but I originally started the online dating experiment exactly a year ago next week (I was only on it for 2 weeks mind you), but I got to know 5 guys in particular, (3 in which I’ve actually met) and still talk to 5 frequently. Do we talk on a sexual level? Not at all. I think we’ve agreed that we weren’t the compatible type to actually date, but have a lot in common on a friends level. Basically, my point is, they don’t all suck on dating sites, but tread as lightly as possible and for the love of Jesus...trust your fucking gut!

[therealityofdating-relationships]

“Why are all of the good ones taken”

Another good one that I hear all the time. All too often when ladies come to me for advice, it always ends up with “why are all of the good ones taken?” Guess what? They’re not. Believe it or not, there’s some good ones still out there. You see, I think both men and women are all too often searching for love and relationships. But why? Because nobody wants to be alone. Do I often think I’m going to wind up alone feeding pigeons off of a bridge? All. The. Fucking. Time. But then I think, what if I stop looking and let love find me? Will that actually work? I’m a firm believer in the traditional phrase “good things come to those who wait.” I mean, nobody really wants to wait forever, BUT my best advice is...what’s meant to be, will be. Stop looking for love and let it find you. You’ll be surprised at what can and will happen.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

So...who really makes the first move?

Soooo...I’ve been asked this question quite a few times. When you’re in the “talking” stage, which one makes the first move? Is a girl expected to make the initiative to ask the guy out on the first date? Or is the girl left waiting for the guy to ask the girl on the first date? Traditionally, girls would wait and have the guy make the first move, or at least that’s our hope. However, during my online dating experiment (no judging allowed), I really thought hard about it...I made the first move multiple times! Really breaking it down, a good portion of the time, I was the one breaking the ice. I was the one asking the guys out on dates. I was the one making the first move. So the answer to the question of, who really makes the first move? There really is no answer. See how the vibe is. If there’s a good vibe, just go with it. If you’re like me and have a fear of eating in front of people, ask if they want to meet up for a drink. That’s the safest option. Ladies, really never can go wrong with a free drink, and if he doesn’t pick up the tab...keep steppin 😉

[therealityofdating-relationships]

Let’s talk about standards...

How do we know exactly if our standards are too high, or too low? Do we settle for the first one we’re attracted to go from there? Ideally, that’s a negative, but for some of us, that’s exactly what has happened. But that circles back to the main question, how do we know? You can make a check list, but 10-1 you’re never going to find someone who checks every single box. So do you just settle? No. Never settle! In a good enough relationship (I use the word enough, very loosely), people have high standards for how they’re treated. Not everyone is going to meet those standards. After settling twice in my adult life, my advice, never settle for anything less than you deserve. Treat your other half the way you want your son or daughter to be treated. Keeping that mindset will take you further. I promise.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

The experiment...

Last year during Covid, when the world shut down, people were not working, and when people don’t go to work, they don’t get hurt. When people don’t get hurt, business is slow. I decided to hop on a dating site as an experiment for work (no judgement, please), and came back with a whole new prospective on dating sites. At first I didn’t know what to expect, but the longer I was on there, the more understanding I had. Guys were only on there for sex. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve made a handful of friends and still remain in contact with them (I’ll touch base on that at another time in a separate blog post), but a majority of them...all they wanted was sex, and when you mention anything about going on a date it’s always “if you want to come to my place, we can hang out.” Again, all about sex. Below are some of the more weird ones, and some get straight to my point. *warning, some sexual content is shown*

This guy...clever pick up line. No thanks.

Kinkyrope, he may have had someone until he said “smoke some green.” Because that’s what I want to do on a first date. Drink coffee and smoke illegal substances (when he sent this, marijuana was then illegal)

Spino2020, “can I see your shoes?” Bruh...you’ve officially creeped me out and earned yourself a spot in the creeper category

Jimmyf37, okay, so you want ME to pick you up at your parents house, drive YOU around, so we can talk and get to know each other?! 1) why can’t you drive? 2) why do you still live with your parents? 3) you just want to get laid in MY car...keep steppin’

Forman1987, enough said.

I literally have nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Again...I got nothin...🤦🏼‍♀️

This guy...he needs some serious help. That’s all.

And lastly...this guy nailed it with the pick up line, but again...after a 2 minutes conversation, he just wanted sex.

[therealityofdating-relationships]

All. Of. This.