therealvinelle - Tumblr blog

[therealvinelle]

Alphard and Tom preferences pop quiz! sweet foods or salty? hot weather or cold? boxers or briefs? swing or jazz? radio or live music? more power or more time?

Based entirely on projection?

Neither (they live in Britain), hot weather (too bad given they live in Britain), and... you have thoughts on the remaining four, @thecarnivorousmuffinmeta?

[therealvinelle]

I love the Agatha Christie question!

Who are your HP/Twilight faves in the Christie universe? (Who’s the opportunist who knows too much and dies for it? Who’s the conman killer who courts the girl to avoid suspicion? Who’s just trying to take a holiday and gets caught-up in a murder? Who are the dynamic mystery-solving duo who realize they are in love by the end of the novel? etc.).

I mean, that is kind of what The Man Who Would Be King (and secret fic) (both cowritten with @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin) have already become. We have our murder victim, Alphard, a very rich man with a colorful family, and possibly his sister, we have our unlikely detectives in Voldemort, Lily Potter, and Alphard himself. It may not be the center of the story but it's a large part of it.

In other words my answer for Harry Potter would somehow spoil all my present and future fics so I won't.

As for the Twilight version...

I vote we do it wealthy dysfunctional family style, it's most natural.

A patriarch is poisoned

Carlisle Cullen, a very wealthy man with powerful enemies, nonetheless dear to those around him and blessed with more friends than most, is found dead in his office one morning. Cause of death? Murder.

The police, caught on the detail that Dr. Cullen was a vampire and vampires are real, what the fuck is this on the doctor's autopsy table and is he going to wake up again and drink all our blood?, are little use in the investigation. Scotland Yard is soon brought in, and using Chief Swan's connections with the family they get a better picture of Dr. Cullen's life.

His family wasn't looking to inherit him anytime soon, as he was immortal. None of them were having money troubles however, all were independently wealthy.

He had made enemies of a thousand-year-old clan of powerful vampires, who on hearing that his murder is being investigated like this get very upset. Supposedly the victim lived with them in his youth (and inspector Craddock cries when he learns the timeline for this murder goes back to the 1600s. Are they going to have to bring historians in on this murder??), he might have known something

Oh what's that? The victim had a whole network of friends across the globe, who are all killers, and he knew everyone's secrets? ... do we have the budget to investigate this?

The victim was also living next to a tribe of magical shapeshifting wolves evolved specifically to kill his kind. They liked him best and had a line in their treaty that "he dies last". Not sure what to do with this information

Rosalie Hale missing person case from 1933 solved: Carlisle Cullen adopted her. Was she recognised, did someone piece it together, and was Carlisle killed in retribution?

The victim lived a fake life of fake papers. Could be important, except it's the most normal thing about this case.

The police wonder how this man didn't get murdered sooner, and are stretched so thin the investigation is going slowly.

So, Renesmee gets to be our plucky detective du jour, as she decides to see if she can help. Surely there is no harm in her poking around, and she's well liked around the vampire world so there might be answers she can get that human police can't, partly because policemen keep getting eaten.

She slowly narrows it down to the horrible realization that it was someone in the family, and she learns terrible things.

Jasper Hale wasn't Jasper Hale at all! He was a friend of Jasper's in the newborn army who wanted a new life, and who in the wake of Jasper's suden and unexpected death assumed his identity. He had Peter bite his entire face so he'd be scarred like Jasper had been, and vouch for this blond vampire most definitely being Jasper Hale. Peter later had to die because he Knew Too Much, and so did Charlotte, regrettably. Fake Jasper did however not kill Carlisle.

Edward seems a prime suspect, he is an angry and resentful young man who acts out. Everyone thinks he did it, and that Bella should certainly marry Jacob, the safer option. Much upheaval is had, however, once Renesmee is able to clear Edward's name and he meaningfully links arms with Bella. They sail off into the sunset with their inheritance.

Rosalie is a beautiful, cold, intimidating woman, the femme fatale sort who's surely conniving. It's a bit of a mystery why she married that poor fool Emmett, but it's clear to all she doesn't love him. No clear motive from her, other than the money she would inherit, but she's just so suspicious. Her alibi is ambiguous, she claims she was with Esme and Emmett but what if Esme and Emmett are lying to protect their daughter and wife? Superintendent Battle wonders about that.

Renesmee is at a loss.

And then she realizes that it's not Rosalie who acts like she doesn't love Emmett, it's Emmett who acts like he doesn't love her! And Esme's grieving widow act is just that, it's an act!

Renesmee realizes that Emmett and Esme are lovers, and killed Carlisle together. Esme committed it while Emmett tricked Rosalie into giving her an alibi. Renesmee realizes this once she has a "But Rosalie couldn't have seen Esme from that angle!" moment.

The plan was too pin Rosalie for the murder, see her hanged, and then in due time the mourning widowers would marry, happily entitled to all the money they couldn't have touched if they'd divorced. Also Rosalie was Catholic so she wouldn't have agreed to a divorce.

The two lovers are confronted, and Esme pulls out a tiny pearl-studded gun from her shoe, says "We tried, my love. I regret nothing" before shooting first Emmett, then herself.

[therealvinelle]

And they all have titles!

We know about the word count of secret fic, what about the chapter count?

Secret fic by me and @therealvinelle

82 chapters and counting!

[therealvinelle]

The odds are that this won’t be a spoiler. Are lemmings mentioned in secret fic? If it’s ribbing Norway then do lemmings get mentioned?

Also have you seen lemmings yourself? I sadly haven’t as my only trip to Norway was to Stavanger and mostly staying in town with a family friend.

Asker is referring to mine and @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin's secret fic, one whose existence we might have made a mistake admitting to at all.

We have, however, admitted that the fic is mostly just about making fun of me specifically. There are therefore no lemmings in the story, because I'm not a lemming.

(And yes, I have seen lemmings but only in flashes. They are fast little buggers. I also have not been to Stavanger.)

[therealvinelle]

I looked up Omar Sharif and oh my god. This man is too handsome to be a bachelor. Alphard must've been hounded by his family 24/7 for not settling down with a girl already. If he was average looking his bachelorness could've gone under the radar, but if he looks like Omar Sharif that shit isn't going under anyone's radar. People are going to talk because something is up with Alphard Black if he can't get a girl looking like that.

Anon's referring to this post.

To be fair, @therealvinelle and I came up with this very late at night with an "yeah feels right" but there is definitely the thought that the man's a little too hot (though the Blacks are canonically supposed to be hot).

Alphard's hot but a) drowned out by the proximity of the golden god that is Tom Riddle b) not charismatic enough to bring it to the forefront in people's minds. It's the charisma thing and general quiet personality that damns him.

But on the other hand, he's so hot it takes Tom 0.02 seconds from the idea of having sex with this person introduced to do it in Amulette d'Amour by me and @therealvinelle, and more damningly... he doesn't stop...

But yes there's a lot of "what the fuck" from close family who are very upset on his behalf and "aren't you even trying Alphard??? How are you this bad???" and Alphard not admitting to not... trying...

[therealvinelle]

Tbh I’ve never read Harry Potter but these posts got me even more confused then before I knew anything

Well, remember mine and @thecarnivorousmuffinmeta are blogs where we take canon to the Watsonian extreme, and sometimes just wing it. Very little of what can be found on our blogs is what the author intended.

[therealvinelle]

Alphard being horrified by Tom being so casual about riding the bus sent me. did he ever figure out what he meant or to this day is he confused.

The Man Who Would Be King by me and @therealvinelle

He did eventually figure out or surmise that buses in the Wizarding World and Muggle world are very different things.

[therealvinelle]

I remember us sitting on Messenger during quarantine and getting hyperfixated on Twilight, and overanalyzing until we were blowing the case wide open with "Aro... IS A GOOD GUY". Fun times, and no going back after.

But yes, prior to that I personally was a normie, I remember there were odds and ends I'd question from time to time but on first reading the books as a child I was a Bella/Edward shipper.

I don’t know if you’ve ever answered a question like this before, but what was your first impression of the volturi ? On the first read did you have similar thoughts as you do now or were you kinda taking them at face value (ie bella’s/edward’s opinions)

Similar thoughts to now? Oh hell no, this was ages ago anon and I wasn't thinking that hard then.

As it is this is so long ago, ages ago, that from what I remember--

Well, I didn't think about them much and I actually thought it was a bit odd how they'd show up for two seconds at the end of the book. For me at the time, the plot was clearly about Bella and Edward and while these guys were interesting it wasn't really about them. They were the NPCs we saw for two seconds and then they went away again.

But they were in the part of New Moon where Edward comes back and plot starts happening again and I went "Thank fucking god" as Bella being depressed for six months was... not thrilling.

I do remember thinking that they weren't really... traditional villains. It never felt like they were out to get Bella specifically. The mess that follows is more about the Cullens and is painted as a clear powerplay that's not really that personal. Which was probably not the impression I was supposed to get.

You, @therealvinelle?

[therealvinelle]

Was reading an old post about the Cullens being too broke to manufacture needles before Alice and now I'm wondering- with the Cullens being stupidly rich would Carlisle want to use some of those resources to better humanity? (I can't imagine any of the other Cullens caring enough)

My tag on the Cullens + money money money.

As it is I don't recall having said the Cullens were too broke to manufacture needles and have to wonder if I have been misinterpreted, would you mind linking this to me?

Where charity is concerned, I seem to recall there being some canon lore about the Cullens giving money, but I doubt that's Carlisle specific and I also doubt they feel that "give money to feel like a good person" compulsion, especially when giving large amounts to charity would mean explaining where this large amount came from. While I'm sure they already have a money laundering scheme in place (can't buy a house, cars, clothes with money you're not supposed to have, and can't be a person who has money if your current identity only popped into existence six months ago) it would still be an extra ordeal to launder however much cash they want for the purposes of whichever charity they're wanting to give to.

As it is they canonically keep a lot of their money in cash form, implying much of their money is unlaundered.

Lastly we already have Carlisle working at a hospital with low pay (per Charlie's "He could be making 3x what he's making here if he moved to a big city"), so he might not be a Doctors Without Borders man but he's making a meaningful difference.

TLDR: if canon says they give to charity I'll cede to that, but I don't think it's much.

[therealvinelle]

Not that anon but idk I always figured that the residents of Forks thought the Cullens were a cult and that was part of the reason they stayed away

Anon is referring to this post.

I doubt it. If that rumor was going around, Jessica would have included it in her rundown on the Cullens to Bella.

Failing that, Edward would have picked up on it. We see in Midnight Sun that he is always monitoring people for their impressions of the Cullens and can disappoint Emmett by telling him they have no scandalous theories. Even if we put limited stock in how useful Edward's surveilling actually is, I don't think he could have missed this - "I wonder if he's in a cult" will be the first thing people think when they see him after hearing the rumor or getting the idea, nothing of the kind has occurred.

[therealvinelle]

The Man Who Would Be King is such a delight! I've reread it thrice and it's make my MotherKiller brain worms worse.

What actress would you want to portray Lily?

Thank you!

Look, @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin, praise!

We'd cast Jodie Foster, no competition. She has that doe-eyed fragile but determined look, there's a quiet fierceness to her. One could say she made such an impression in her role as Clarice Starling.

@theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin, any other contenders?

[therealvinelle]

Seeing as I once asked a physicist friend about this: Edward appears to have good thermal conductivity (ability to transfer heat). If he didn't, he would not feel so cold to the touch.

He is cold for the same reason why a slab of metal and pile of cloth in the same room will feel very different in temperature to the touch: one transfers heat easily from your finger, the other doesn't. Which in theory means Edward can get very hot, he just needs an external source of heat.

Okay so I read that anon ask about Bella using Marcus as a dildo and do you think Thermal Transfer applies to vampire or did Marcus just stay ice cold in Bella the entire time?

I can't believe we know the answer to this canonically but we do.

It does, Bella reports that Edward will warm up if she spends enough time cuddling him. This is what happens in the meadow. (Similarly, this is why Bella gets cold touching Edward, all her heat be going to him.)

[therealvinelle]

In the twilight universe, do you think anyone has formed cults?

Canonically, yes they have. Look no further than to Amun, part of the coven which made the humans worship them as a pantheon of gods and who is commemorated even thousands of years later. Or Vladimir and Stefan, who lament that the Volturi ruined things for them so they can't make the humans worship them any longer.

There's no mention of vampire cults, though, if anything the response people have to the Cullens indicate they don't have a social pattern where cults often happen.

The Cullens follow strict rules, have a charismatic leader, engage in a diet that weakens them but consider it a privilege, they live in a very unusual way, they are not a cult (they're just weird) but if there were vampire cults I think it would come up. Some type of "Ahaha Carlisle you remind me so much of Charlespire Vampson" "Please don't say that :/" passing remark, or an anecdote.

I imagine the Volturi are the ones to thank or there not being a lot of fertile ground for cults. If you get too many vampires too hyped around an idea, the result is going to be bad for humans and for peace in the vampire world in general. Same hammer as with the newborn wars comes crashing down, except there tellingly isn't a specific law against it. We instead have laws that overlap with what a cult creation would indicate, such as "don't create too many vampires at once", "no public spectacles", "failure to report law-breaking to the Volturi will result in the same punishment as the law-breaker".

[therealvinelle]

Do you think Tom knows how to drive a car or would he see it as redundant given that he can literally teleport?

I don't think he would.

When he did live Muggle, he was extremely poor, a child, and in the city. The likelihood of him having gotten a car to interact with and learn how to drive is very small.

After that point, there's really not a need and all it does is introduce needless risk into his life. If he wants to get from A to B he can do so instantaneously, if he wants to enjoy the scenery he can fly.

For a guy that doesn't use broomsticks I just don't see him being enamored with cars/going out of his way to learn how to drive them.

[therealvinelle]

assuming Harry died in the graveyard in book 4 as planned what was voldemorts original plan to do next do u think?

I think we saw the gist of it in canon.

He laid low, let those who believed a long dead dark wizard had somehow resurrected himself look like fools and conspiracy theorists, and quietly went about rebuilding his movement. He waited to jailbreak his Death Eaters until enough time had passed that it'd wouldn't be immediately connected to his supposed resurrection, and he kept his followers in a tight leash, not making any headlines of any kind.

Consider all that he had to rebuild.

There had been a purge of Death Eaters, Death Eaters sympathizers, and everyone remotely affiliated with him after he fell, the Wizengamot was fast tracking people to Azkaban. Those who escaped wouldn't be rushing to incriminate themselves either.

All his spies, all his agents, his entire network where nobody had known who was or wasn't with him, was shattered, and he was starting worse than scratch because last time, people hadn't known what was coming. This time, he was looking at an uphill battle on every front - rallying sympathy to the cause of the most feared man in modern history is still possible, people can always be convinced what they've heard was wrong and Voldemort has been the victim of merciless slander, but it requires more work. Recruitment when he looks like evil and inhuman and he can't really run the charm offensive anymore, also possible but so much harder than before. Infiltrating the Ministry, amassing political power, again still possible but the thing is he already did this and the people he used then have largely been purged and those who weren't have wisened up.

The second his resurrection is acknowledged, the wizarding world goes into a panic. And as it happens, this worked out wonderfully for Tom since nobody had learned from last time, so rather than wise up they dipped right into crisis mode and restored the social power and influence of a man who had been a wraith for fourteen years after death by failed baby slaughter took him out.

I have to think Tom was surprised by that.

His actions in Half-Blood Prince through the start of Deathly Hallows where he esssentially puts the gradually amass power plan on speed and within the year he's committed a coup, reads to me as a response to that. No point being insidious in those circumstances, in fact he can't without risking that the spell will break and people start wondering just what he's doing.

[therealvinelle]

Would the Volturi stop aliens from invading the planet if they could and do you think Aro has done this in the past

Are the aliens a threat to humans?

If so, yes. There's even precedent.

If not, though, or if vampires can feed from the aliens fine, then the aliens get left alone. (Though given the aliens are invading the planet, I imagine the Volturi have to take action on this one)

[therealvinelle]

Alec Guinness is also a hot contender, but the vote ultimately fell on Shariff.

pureblood supremacy aside, it's actually kind of sad that Alphard actually understands muggles better than others who proudly claim they're progressive

like say Dumbledore. or Arthur Weasley

he's such a fascinating character. I think one of my favourite characters you've both created.

I forgot if this has been answered but what actor would you want to portray him?

Oooh, look, @therealvinelle, praise!

Arthur in particular is bad, I want to be somewhat nice to him (I know, on this blog? Perish the thought) and say that he didn't have enough exposure to Muggles to know the difference except that he does have that exposure through fellow Order members like Lily Evans and then later through Harry and Hermione. He does at least ask them questions but him gutting a car and then enchanting it to say how cool the car is without understanding anything of how the car works and appreciating it...

It's bad.

Dumbledore's slightly better than Arthur (which is bad because it's Arthur's actual job) but he gives the air of being self assured in what he knows and therefore believing he knows more than he actually does (the blase response when London was being bombed and Tom wanted to stay in Hogwarts during the summer was... telling)

Alphard's helped a long way by having a) an extremely close relationship with a Muggle-born where Tom did not put up with this shit and b) he likes old books. A lot. He likes really old books. A lot.

You want the classics, Alphard's your guy.

And yes, we really like him too.

And nope, we haven't done face cast and at least very late at night when I got this we both said "Omar Shariff". So. Alphard's stupid hot but for some reason no one realizes it.