therosehunter

[therosehunter]

[therosehunter]

— Sylvia Plath, quoting an acquaintance in ‘The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath’

[therosehunter]

Now, if you would just introduce me to those mermaids you’ve been telling me all about…🩵

A day at the beach in Summer Court with @therosehunter | It may be nearing Solstice, but we can enjoy the warm waters whenever we’d like with a quick winnow.

[therosehunter]

"To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." — LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS (2002)

[therosehunter]

[therosehunter]

anything but just "I love you"

I want to love you.

I think I can love you?

Let me love you.

I loved you.

I would love you.

I can try to love you.

I used to know how to love you (I don't anymore)

I still love you.

Do you love me?

Can you try to love me?

I can't stop loving you.

Let me try to love you.

I think I can love you.

I think I can try (to love you).

Do you still love me?

Did you ever love me?

I don't think I could ever love you.

Don't let me love you.

I gave up (loving you).

You made me love you.

I've always loved you (but I can't anymore).

[therosehunter]

Ralph Lauren spring/summer 2011

[therosehunter]

Ruth Awad, from “Let me be a lamb in a world that wants my lion”

[therosehunter]

Tamlin loved children. Truer words had never been said. Feyre smiled, and tucked her hair behind her now pointed ear. “I would be more than glad to help you, but I couldn’t bear to put you in danger because my powers are unreliable, you know? I can’t bring back the lives lost, but I can try to prevent more from being taken. Right now, that means keeping myself out of conflict.

Her brow wrinkled softly when Briar mentioned how quickly Tamlin had disappeared. “Oh, I’m sure he meant no harm. There’s council on Tuesday mornings. His brain was clearly somewhere else. I could tell by the way his eyes went straight over my head.”

She chuckled. “His attention is either on you or off you with very little in between.”

She thanked Nyx as he handed her a piece of paper with some crayon shapes on it. “I do mean it when I say this little guy has a blessed share of his heart.”

“Did you steal mine?” She teased Nyx, earning a grin. “Did you?”

“He’s an angel. If you’d like to borrow him…I might know when to find Tam alone.”

Her brows creased and she swallowed hard. It was difficult to give over that secrecy, but she knew it was for a good cause. It was part of earning back her place here. Reframing her mind and starting over. “Don’t tell him I told you though. Try to make it look accidental, okay

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

Briar’s care fo Cardin was moving. Feyre bit her lip. Her shapeshifting magic was a drop as powerful as Tamlin’s, but she had been strong enough to keep Nyx covered for several days once, when Tamlin had traveled. She shivered. She knew human hatred all too well. She’d hated the fae, too, blamed them for everything that went wrong in her life. It hadn’t been completely forgiven when she’d been revived. It was that shred of rage that Rhysand used to keep her captive and coerce her mind. Forgiveness was a powerful thing. It even snapped ancient bonds of magic.

She tucked her hair behind her ears to reveal their soft point and took a deep breath, slowly waving her fingers in the air beside her head. A pair of much more fae, delicate, curved ears appeared. They were unique, even for a high fae — especially pointy. Feyre did the same to her arm and winced as her tattoos, something she’d once loved, appeared across her hands.

“I can shapeshift.” She whispered. “But things get shaky if I panic. I’m not sure what I’d see in the human lands. I…I can try, but asking Tamlin may be wiser.”

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

Feyre let Nyx go as he wiggled, but quickly hid her face in her knees. She wasn’t going to panic in front of Briar — not like this. She could tell that if earlier was bad this time would be so much worse. She listened to what the other girl said, taking deep, but shaky inhales.

“Are his eyes purple?” She whispered, “I can’t look at him with purple eyes. I can’t—”

It felt stupid. The color of his eyes did not change who he was and changing him on the outside would not change his inside. Keeping him trapped in a second skin was not fair to him. How long could she do that before she faced the facts? It couldn’t be forever. Before long, he’d start asking questions. Other people would, too. They’d question why he sometimes had streaks of black in his blonde hair, like the cutest of skunks. She needed to let her son be himself — no matter who that looked like.

He wasn’t Tamlin’s son. She couldn’t lie to herself about that forever, either. Pretending the past hadn’t happened was no way to move forwards.

Slowly, she raised her head. Nyx was sitting in front of her on Briar’s lap. She knew him instantly — her heart knew him.

“Mamamama.” Nyx giggled and toddled towards her.

She took him warmly to herself, pressing exaggerated kisses to his nose and face. A face, which she now noticed, still looked like her but was a slightly darker tan. His blonde hair had slipped away in favor of jet black locks with a slight curl to them. She’d always known he had his own shapeshifting ability, but she didn’t think that he’d manage to get past Tamlin’s guard.

Unless he let him.

Feyre felt a pang of homesickness in her chest. A loss for a place which had never been and never would be. Her life with the man that she’d once loved so fully.

Instead, she looked into the bright, clear, grey eyes of her son. Her mark of triumph over the darkness which could have eaten her alive. Feyre laughed awkwardly, wiping tears from her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Healing was messy. Healing hurt.

“Hey, buddy.” She ruffled his dark curls. “I think the High Lord played his own cards today, didn’t he?”

Nyx just laughed, reaching for his stuffed bear with antlers and handing it to Briar as a gift.

“You asked him to, didn’t you?” Feyre challenged her toddler, with pursed lips. “You’re cheeky! That’s what you are. Cheeky.”

Nyx just continued to giggle, proving that he had no darkness in him at all, and handing Briar the rose toy, too.

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

Feyre froze in place. Her half smile left her mouth open and her awkward laugh hung in the air as it flew away like a whisper or ghost. Every muscle in her body tensed. The warm OxyContin from her memories of the past fled her system with a sharp shock of adrenaline into her veins. She winced, deeply. It was like fire in her blood. Purple flames, purple fire, purple eyes.

Briar didn’t mean any harm. She just didn’t understand. Nyx’s eyes weren’t blue. They weren’t grey. They were purple. He looked a carbon copy of his father. So much that she’d screamed upon seeing him. It was only Tamlin’s quick use of magic that had soothed her into acceptance of a child that she’d never wanted.

Feyre picked up her son and held him to her chest, tightly squeezing, and searching for regulation. His eyes opened.

Purple, as they sometimes were when he first rose from sleep. It always faded away. He didn’t cry, used to being his mother’s anchor, but he did look at Briar and smile brightly over Feyre’s shoulder.

“Baba.” He reached out, puzzled by the sudden tension in the room. “Ba?”

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

“Ugh.” Feyre flopped back onto the floor. “I could have used that skill under the mountain. Absolutely nothing I did was enough to turn off one of those…fae.”

She shuddered, thinking of some of the things she’d tried. It was much easier to keep her eyes on the brief time when Spring had been bright and happy. When her life had known peace and love, even if it was briefly. There was quiet for a minute and she sighed. “I’m sorry. I tend to over share. My sisters hate it. I’ve never exactly been good at being friends with other girls. I don’t…”

She pursed her lips. “I don’t understand subtext very well, or inside jokes. Most men tend to be more obvious and say what they mean. I appreciate that.”

She watched Nyx stretch and yawn on the play mat, pouting, as he heard their voices rise. “He’ll winnow himself to his crib.”

She gently smoothed the little boy’s straight blonde hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” She bit her lip, looking up at Briar, hoping that a social faux pas so early in a friendship wouldn’t unravel the threads. What was I thinking? Talking about a game we played while we were drunk? In front of this sweet, innocent girl who had sweet, innocent feelings for my Ex…I am an ass.

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

Feyre watched Briar light up and then shut down. She’d done the same so many times when it came to letting affection in. Affection was something you could appreciate when you felt safe. Tamlin was truly the only person who’d made her feel that way. The idea of giving him away hurt more than she could say, but she knew that he was not hers to give. Love did not mean ownership and that was one of the very first things that he’d taught her. Love was open and wild. Any claims it laid on the soul were of equal opportunity and freedom.

If only I looked more like her, perhaps he would look at me again. Feyre mused to herself. Such long lashes and a beautiful figure that I have never had. How kind she is…when I am harsh and broken…

She longed to be seen. Tamlin saw her — he did, but not in the way that he had. She was a reminder of his pain, not a promise of the future.

Feyre broke eye contact as her own self doubt laid claim to her heart again. It was better off that they were no longer working. It was safer this way. She didn’t want Nyx to get more attached to him than he already was now.

“I could teach you,” She offered, trying to smile. “I’m not the most patient person, but I’m trying to learn. For Nyx. If I can teach him to paint, I think I can teach anyone.”

Feyre glanced up at the colorful stick figures on the walls. They are surprisingly good for a toddler. “I don’t believe anyone isn’t talented. You just have to try everything. I — I did that once,”

A real smile broke through her guarded face. “With Tamlin and Lucien. We tried a hundred things each.”

Feyre laughed. “Lucien can taco roll his tongue and that made Tam hopelessly jealous.”

She smirked. “But Tamlin uses his better. Don’t tell my sister. My secret talent is that I can pick things up with my toes.”

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

“You’re welcome,” Feyre’s eyebrows quirked together, puzzled, but genuine. Was it possible that she’d seen it before Briar herself had? The way Tamlin looked at her when she wasn’t looking? She knew, because she’d once been the girl under the scope of those deep, curious eyes. Perhaps, Briar saw what she couldn’t, the way Nyx loved her. Feyre hoped that she was right and he would come to fulfill his name in time, in his own way. It was only the beginning of the deep heritage buried underneath his shape shifted skin. Feyre had not been able to accept him when he looked so much like Rhysand. She was trying now, even though sometimes motherhood felt like a skin she wore herself.

Maybe they would be okay, just maybe. She’d find her place here. This afternoon was proving that it might not be impossible to make friends. They were all suffering. She’d been foolish to believe it was only her. Perhaps, a way to mend her heart, and make reparations was to begin working to repair the court with all the rest. It would take time. Time and tenacity.

She looked at Briar, cautiously. They had plenty of time, but today felt like a good start. “If you ever doubt it, you are a good person…and your small conversations with Tamlin mean more to him than he’d let on. I think he just needs time. Like we all do.”

Time was something they all had to spare. “Would you…like to…work together sometime? There’s a festival in a few weeks. I’ll be painting the faelings’ faces. How are you with a brush?”

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

“Caedin.” Feyre rolled the name over her tongue, when she returned to sit opposite of Briar and tried to quell her shaking hands by rubbing them together. The warmth slowly helped her cold body regulate and her shoulders stop shaking. “That’s a beautiful name. You show true loyalty by dedicating yourself to a little boy you haven’t even met.”

Feyre leaned forward, wrapping her thin arms around her body, and resting her chin on her knees. “I didn’t choose his name. His father did, before he was born. I came to Spring in a less than dignified state.”

She gestured to her son. “I could barely speak after he was born. Tamlin did the brunt of the work of taking care of him for the first six months of his life when I was so depressed and could do nothing but stare at the walls. He loved him, before I could.” Feyre swallowed.

“We tried, for a bit, after that. But love can’t solve everything. Some scars run too deep. Nyx was about six months old when you first arrived here. Tamlin changed a lot after that. He avoided me more; but there was…also light in his eyes. The kind that even Nyx didn’t bring. Something I hadn’t seen in years. Something I can never give him again.”

“I wasn’t supposed to take anyone from Hybern. R—He wanted us to just get out, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t abandon my sisters. Or anyone else.” Feyre whispered. “It was easier to defy him then. Later, it almost killed me to leave.”

She looked at the peaceful face of her slumbering son and smiled softly. “It was worth it, though, to know that his mind will never go through such trauma. That he is safe here and always will be. That he is loved.”

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady

[therosehunter]

Nyx is asleep. Nyx is asleep.

Sometimes, Feyre forced herself to hold everything together until her little boy passed out from playing too hard. His mind had not been touched by the darkness and there were days when she could look at him and pretend that he did not come from it. That he was something separate, a gift, from the universe — or, though it was pretend, a remnant of her time with Tamlin.

On the bad days, he was a reminder of everything she’d gone through. Every horror, every scream, and every unheard protest that remained trapped inside the back of her mind as she ripped to shred the people whom she’d once loved.

This is why I don’t invite people over. Feyre gathered the empty teacups, standing on shaking legs, and carrying them to the sink. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Useless. You are useless. Rhysand’s voice echoed in her mind.

She couldn’t calm the shaking, but she could hold back the tears in front of company. She wasn’t useless. She was strong and she was going to prove him wrong. Even if it was just by sitting in front of another being and existing in the same space.

Feyre reached to place her hand on Nyx’s small foot to calm herself. She couldn’t help but notice that he’d shapeshifted his own bear to have antlers, in his sleep. A crooked smile appeared on her face. She wiped her eyes, trying to laugh it off.

“I’m sorry, Briar. I really am. I’m a mess. This place is a mess. Even my son winnows away. He’d clearly rather be with someone else.”

Tamlin had always been a magnet for children, despite his stoic nature. Nyx had begun winnowing to him before he could walk.

Feyre tilted her head, trying to wipe away the rapid tears that flooded her face at Briar’s compassion. Why was she being kind? Why was anyone? Why did Tamlin let her stay? She deserved exile, or a life in his dungeon, not a comfortable cottage that he’d paid for himself with more than enough to make them happy for the rest of their lives. She contributed where she could. She still loved to paint and there was always work to be done in the manor.

“It’s not easy is it?” She said, finally, lying down on the floor and looking through the wide window. “When you count the casualties, it’s very easy to forget counting yourself.”

Feyre closed her eyes and let the warm sun dry her face. “Yourself and everyone you lost along the way…”

Tentative Ties & Tea

“He has a right to be peeved at all of us, to be honest. I just feel…very blessed to be here, back home, in the Spring Court. I can’t ever undo everything, but I’m trying. All of us are.”

Feyre glanced out at the field beyond them and her eyes zoned out. Her fingers twitched at her side. Where Rhysand’s voice used to control her, now there was just nothing but a deep gray silence. A tiny tug on her skirt brought her back to the moment and she glanced down at Nyx, whom Tamlin had shapeshifted to resemble her, not his bastard father. An echo of a smile traced her lips. “At least there is some proof that darkness fades…”

@springcourthighlady