thesadnessthatneedstobesaid

[thesadnessthatneedstobesaid]

There's something so demoralizing about my conviction to never come out to my parents. They're both vocally accepting of both trans people and the LGBT community. But my levels of gender fuckery are weird enough that it would be confusing to anyone who isn't in deep with the trans and nonbinary communities. And it's just going to be a a Whole Thing and I just don't want to deal with it.

My mom has expressed distressed confusion with the concept of gender fluid people (albeit it's coming from a place of not wanting to get it wrong and upset someone, which is ultimately kind)

But my father struggles with gender neutral pronouns at all. And it just feels like he's not even trying. I've stopped trying to correct him when he uses the wrong pronouns for my nonbinary friend. It's been years and there's been no improvement or even attempts made to correct himself.

My parents aren't bad people. I would even go so far as to say they're good people. But I just know it would be a Whole Ordeal if I ever told them. And I know that if I told them any pronouns are fine then they'd still exclusively use she/her pronouns for me. But if I told them that I just went by he/they pronouns that would just defeat the point of coming out to them at all.

And it's not bad because my name is gender neutral, and I even love the nickname they use for me (J-Bird) and she/her isn't wrong, but it's definitely my least favorite of my preferred pronoun set (in order - he/they/she)

It's just easier to never say anything and let them live out the rest of their lives believing that I'm the girl society has deemed me as, rather than make the effort only to have nothing change. Right now it's just mildly disappointing when they exclusively call me their daughter and she/her me in conversation out of ignorance. Rather than actively hurtful once they know and don't change anyway.

But they both have a good 30 years left and it's disappointing to think about how I'll just be keeping such a large part of myself unmentioned for so much longer. It's not actively hurtful, but the melancholy is real.

My friends all know, and are all so amazingly supportive. They change up the pronouns they refer to me by consistently. My best friend immediately gave me a new nickname when I cam out to her (J-man) and I love it.

This little rant is all over the place but I just needed to get it off my chest somewhere and shouting into the void feels nice. And I'm tagging on the off chance I manage to reach someone who is feeling the same way because I want you to know that you're not alone.