thesilentarestill

[thesilentarestill]

10 - Connection

As I lie, static in a stagnant void, I find myself craving that which I cannot have. A twisting, burning desire to reach for what I have already lost, what has already passed me by.

Yet the tether still lingers, different, faded. And so I am left once more with a choice. Do I cling to the corrupted connection, giving into my delusion, pretending like it’s always the same? Or do I let go, and free myself once more?

Neither option will save me. Living a lie may keep me going, from day to day, but the connection will sever. The tether will snap. I cannot delude myself forever.

But cutting myself free would only leave me stranded in this pool with no lifeline. I am doomed either way.

I wonder, could there be a third option? A way to heal this rift, to repair, to build anew…? But as I say nothing, as silence is my query, silence is my only reply.

[thesilentarestill]

Outer Wilds, Death, and the Unknown

WARNING! The following rambling contains heavy spoilers for both Outer Wilds, and the Echoes of the Eye DLC

GO PLAY THE GAME BEFORE READING THIS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ITS SO GOOD

Also everything I say here is just several years of brain rumination rolled into one post so if its REALLY LONG and nonsensical and dumb whoops there ya go that's what you signed up for I guess

Outer Wilds is a strange game. At its core, there is a story about exploration, about memories, but fundamentally about one thing:

Learning to let go.

While everyone's experience with the game will be different as they weave together more of the past and learn more both about the nomai and the universe, there are always a few key moments that I think stand out to most players.

The first realisation, that being that the sun will always explode, and everyone will die. But we, within the loop, can prevent this.

The second realisation, that being that the nomai are the reason that we keep looping, and the sun station is likely the cause of the sun's explosion.

And the third realisation. Or, well, series of realisations.

The realisation that the sun station failed, that this disaster is not something we can prevent. The realisation that there was no experiment gone wrong that wiped out the nomai, they just... died. And the realisation that there's nowhere to run.

The universe is dying, and there's no way to prevent it.

But once the player learns to let go...

I'm getting ahead of myself here. The first thing I really wanted to talk about was the hearthians, and the nomai.

One thing that's made very clear to the player from the very first time they open their eyes at the campfire, and make their way through Timber Hearth talking to people, is this strange outlook that the hearthians have on death and danger.

People seem quite... not exactly ignorant to it? People wish you luck on your journey, and tell you to remain safe, but many of the hearthians acknowledge the potential danger of your journey, and encourage you to go anyway.

From various mentions of the unwieldy nature of your ship and the launch pad, to the kids asking if you'll be lost in space like Feldspar, or even from the player's own dialogue choices.

"I'm ready to die in space."

To the hearthians, the prospect of adventure, of discovery, is greater than any potential fear of death.

The nomai have a similar yet slightly different viewpoint. You can see it in their haste to warp to the eye's signal, without taking any precaution or informing anyone else. There is knowledge to be found, and so they go.

It is the same thing with the sun station. If they managed to power it, but the ATP failed somehow, then they and all life in the solar system would die. But still, the science is sound, and if it worked... they'd find the eye. Again, their hunger for knowledge is greater than any fear of death. Even after experiencing consequence for this, being stranded in the solar system, the nomai treat this as just another step in their journey than as a tragedy.

Now all of this loops back around to my real, main point. How the themes of Outer Wilds are echoed in its gameplay.

Everyone's experience playing Outer Wilds is different. But many people will have the same initial kind of feelings. Something both reflected in games, and in our real lives, is the fear of death. Of course in real life its a bit more permanent, but in games, death means a loss of progress, a setback.

And initially, this might be reflected in how you play Outer Wilds, as well. If you die, be it from walking into ghost matter, getting crushed under between rising sand and a rock, or even just falling from a great height... It's frustrating.

You're under a time limit, and this added setback means that you have to start your journey all over again, fly back to where you want to go, traverse an unknown planet.

Yet as you play, more and more, you learn more about the nomai. You start to think more like a hearthian. You meet all these travellers on your journey, read about all these people from a past civilisation...

And you learn to stop fearing death.

Embracing their philosophies, you leap a chasm to see what's on the other side. You sprint through caves, barely making it, just to know what lies beyond. You fall into a black hole on purpose, because someone else has before you, and you want to know what they found.

And finally, when you reach the eye, you look into an endless whirlpool, and dive in without a second thought.

You learn to let go of the world around you, of the people you've found on your journey, on these worlds that once you might have cling so dearly to.

You learn to let go of your life, but in doing so, you give life to the next universe, to the next set of creatures.

I feel a similar way about the DLC, about the Owlks and their story, and how that too is mirrored in gameplay. While the initial exploration of the Stranger is very similar to that of the base game, as soon as you enter the simulation, or the dream world, or whatever you want to call it, everything changes. Darkness surrounds you, lights in the fog echo company, and danger. Strange noises haunt your surroundings, and all that you have to accompany you is a single light.

When the Owlks first learned of the eye, they acted as the nomai did. They stopped everything, and travelled to follow the signal. Yet when they finally gained knowledge...

They didn't understand what they saw. It frightened them. The visions of death and rebirth were enough to cause them to shun the eye completely, to burn their temples to the ground, to destroy any and all records of what they had found, so that no one else could reach this horrible entity, and cause what they had seen in their visions.

But the Owlks could not let go. Even with all of this damage done, they could not let go of what they once had. They could not let go of their home planet. They could not let go of their memories.

They burnt all the slide reels, but kept a copy of every one, locked away in vaults. They destroyed their home planet, but made a recreation, idealised, yet flawed. They clung to life, and feared the unknown.

And this is how Echoes of the Eye mirrors its themes in its gameplay. Much as the base game becomes easier once you learn to no longer fear death, the DLC truly opens up when you learn to no longer fear the unknown.

Once you stop hiding from the lights in the darkness and approach them, you learn how they act. You learn how to avoid them. The 'horror' sections turn to much more simple stealth sections, baiting the Owlks to one area and running to the next. Embracing the unknown, and not letting that fear control you, is how you eventually learn to traverse the dreamscape, and find the answers you are looking for.

[thesilentarestill]

09 - Silence

Every thought that goes through my mind has the capacity to save me, yet the capacity to destroy those around me.

I could speak, tell the people I need to tell the things I need to say, but then what? I would hurt them, I would hurt myself, I would push them away...

The end result would be the same.

So I sit, a ball of misery, these silent whispers eating away at my mind. That is the fate I have chosen, yet somehow it is preferable to the alternative.

To tell those that still somehow remain what resides in my thoughts...

Is it better to be alone by choice, or to be alone by exile? Choosing to isolate brings its own unique flavour of anguish, tainted by the ever existing potential that salvation lies so close...

Yet silence is all that is left in the end either way.

Nothing but thoughts and memories.

Nostalgia, and regrets.

[thesilentarestill]

08 - Duality

How is it possible to live when your mind is at war with itself? Whispering trecherous thoughts like poison into the field of tranquillity. "Don't let go," it says, "Cling to what will destroy you." But the peace speaks too. A reminder of change, a reminder of the future. But when the future is shaded, and uncertain, then how can either side be right?

Is it better to let one side win, to hide other thoughts from myself and to simply focus on one hope, on one dream? But if both parts are me, then should I not instead embrace them both?

In doing so, I would tear myself apart.

Would the me that emerges in the aftermath be stronger? A phoenix, born from the ashes? Or would I be nothing but a husk, a reminder of what was before?

Only time can tell.

[thesilentarestill]

06 - Details

Passion seems to walk hand in hand with both anticipation and hesitation. How could it not? There is fear there. When you lay your soul, your very being, bare to another individual, you are at your most vulnerable, your most pure.

Yet with you, there is no hesitation.

There is no fear.

We are open, we are ourselves.

A hurried affair, or a slow and tender moment, in the aftermath it all seems like a fleeting memory. We are lost in ourselves, in each other, in our passion.

But then why does my mind linger on one moment? On one detail?

I can picture it in my mind, the look on your face as our eyes met, as we held our gazes for a moment. I can picture every detail of your perfect face, from your eyes, your expression, it all remains, immortalised in my mind.

The eyes are the window to the soul, the face is the canvas of the mind. And in my heart, I carry your image in that moment with me always.

[thesilentarestill]

05 - Mirror

I wonder, as I write these messages, what is the point of it all?

I sit, and I spill my hollow thoughts onto a keyboard, sent to the void for the world to see. My vulnerabilities.

Most of these thoughts have been written past midnight, far beyond the window of logic and reason, and many times I will think the next day and wonder if I should have really written what I have.

But that does not mean that those thoughts were not real at that moment, that fragile time.

No one will likely read these messages, and that's good, that's fine. It feels more safe in a way, knowing that I will not be truly percieved, as there is no one to observe. Yet I may see myself, witness the reflection in my words, these senseless sentences. And in that I find who I truly am in that instant.

But still I write to the world, waiting, wondering. If someone were to witness me, would I come into focus? Or would the possibilities of my mind simply scatter once more.

The keyboard is a one way mirror.

[thesilentarestill]

04 - Intimacy

There will always be people that I am closer to than others. In different ways, each one of these people finds their way into my mind, my heart, my soul.

There are those who may light the world around them, whose presence brings joy into my life. Even when others may wear me down, these individuals can replenish my being with nothing but a joke, a laugh, a smile.

Then, there are others, whose very being sings a melody to my heart. They invoke in it a craving, a soft and quiet longing to reach out, and to be entwined. Their light is a softer one, more gentle, yet burning away at me all the stronger when they are gone.

But the last is those who speak words to my soul. Those who I know I may tell anything, about the world, the universe, because I need not fear judgement, confusion, or rejection. They mirror me at a level beyond the mind. They are those who understand.

Each of these are precious to me. Each are necessary. Each I love.

And someday, perhaps, all three may be one.

[thesilentarestill]

03 - Completion

What does it mean, to be complete? You are not born complete, surely, yet in early life you do not yearn for a missing piece... or do you? Perhaps that is what drives ambition, what causes us to strive for greater things. For wealth, for power, for knowledge... For love.

If another person is what completes you, do they find their completion in your being? Or do they, also, have something that they must reach towards to become whole. If one craves another, yet their companion craves something different entirely, what does that mean?

Can you only be complete when someone else finds their completion in you? If their goal resides elsewhere, then what is left.

A partial spirit, eternally reaching, grasping at nothingness... at a void that will never be filled.

Or perhaps there is no such thing.

Maybe to live is to want,

Is to yearn.

[thesilentarestill]

02 - Broken Communication

You, who has hurt me so, Why do I long to speak to you once more? My chest tightens at the thought, my heart aches... Yet the desire is there still. And so I wonder. What are you doing now? What are you thinking of? Do you think of me? Or am I nothing but a fleeting memory, a hole, where time once stood.

You, who has hurt me so, Who has destroyed me, torn me asunder, Why do you inspire me to create? Why do I long to share this with you? To hand you a poem, a story, a song, and to say, "This is what you have made of me." "This is all that is left of you." "You have stolen a piece of my soul, and here is what remains." Is it a reaction, that I'm wishing for? Or is it the simple act of sharing something delicate, something raw with another human being?

When you lay your mind and spirit bare, you cannot conceal it once more.

You, who has hurt me so,

Why do I still miss you?

[thesilentarestill]

Kayn, Rhaast, and Loss (and Chainsaw Man for some reason)

WARNING!! The following rambling contains heavy spoilers for Part 1 of Chainsaw Man

Additionally the following contains the insane headcanons of a deranged man who likes Runeterra just a bit too much so if everyone is OOC thats just how it is

Kayn is such an interesting character to me beyond how he is presented in League. From his prime appearance, he doesn't really have much going on beyond "edgy scythe shadow ninja". Base Kayn is a very tropey character, but it's done to his advantage.

What really makes him interesting to me, is the existence of Rhaast, and moreso the implications of what Rhaast's presence could mean from a narrative standpoint. We don't know how Kayn is able to withstand the darkin when no other mortal seemingly can. Is it because of his strength? Is Rhaast weaker than other darkins?

Or is it because Kayn has nothing to lose?

An interesting take on the character in my mind is that Rhaast is fueled by emotional instability. Kayn's withstood Rhaast's assault for years because his willpower is so strong... and he's at his strongest because there is nothing that can shake that.

Kayn is an orphan, an abandoned child soldier, he has no ties to the world around him. He craves power, and when he finds it, he does nothing but relish in that strength. The only person that he could possible feel affection for... is Zed.

And perhaps that is why I imagine Zed acting so cold to him. He would care, of course. Why else would the leader of the Order of Shadows rescue a child from a battlefield, raise and train him. He must care.

But as soon as Kayn touched that scythe Zed's coldness changed. He is no longer just unable to express his affectionate emotions due to the way he is, he is now actively acting colder and more harsh towards Kayn to protect him from the creature lurking in his mind.

And now is when I switch up to talking about Chainsaw Man for ZERO reason.

Chainsaw Man Part 1 is my second favourite manga of all time, and one of my favourite stories of all time. I could go on for hours about everything I love about it, but here I just want to focus in on one thing.

Denji, Makima, and Family.

When we meet Denji at the start of the story, he has nothing. He has no family, he has no money, no food. The only thing he does have is Pochita, and soon enough the devil becomes a part of him, so you could even say he doesn't even have that anymore.

That is the state in which Makima finds him, and that is the state where Denji is at both his weakest... and his strongest.

No matter what anyone could do to him, it wouldn't change anything. He's already at rock bottom, if someone were to kill him he might even see it as a blessing.

So what does Makima do?

She gives him a life. She gives him food, a job, a purpose... She tempts him with the chance of everything he's ever desired, and she reinforces his will to live.

She gives him Power, and Aki. The family that he's never had, the love that he's always craved.

Before the Gun Devil incident happens, Denji is at his strongest... and his weakest.

Because now he has something to lose.

And Makima strips that away from him.

Denji has to kill Aki, and after that, he comes to her. And what does Makima do?

She kills Power right in front of him. She removes the last piece of Denji's new family, his new life, right before his eyes.

Everything that he had, that newfound will to live, it's now gone. And when Denji is reduced to nothing, that is when Chainsaw Man returns.

That was one hell of a tangent, but it does loop back around to my main point, I promise.

Kayn has nothing to lose, emotionally. He lives for the fight, for the power that he feels from the Darkin. Through his base skin blue form voice lines, we see that although he still feels remorse upon Zed's death ("It did not have to end this way, Zed."), he still does not view Zed's loss as a tragedy. Zed is not his father, Zed is his equal now.

So that's why the most interesting narrative to me is:

What if Kayn had someone to fight for?

That's why I love writing Kayn alongside someone, be it romance or found family- If he has a tie to the world, a real connection to another living being, the love that he was denied his entire childhood... Then what happens when that's stripped away?

What happens when the cold facade of his mind cracks? When the thirst for power becomes an anguished cry of sorrow?

That's when Rhaast has already won.

Whispering into Kayn's mind, "It was your fault, they died because of you. This is what happens when anyone gets close to you, this is why you are unworthy of love."

The moment that Kayn falters, the demon in his head has everything that he needs to take control. If Kayn is capable of compassion, then he is capable of despair.

And when his willpower is gone, there is nothing to stop the Darkin.

[thesilentarestill]

01 - Knowledge

Is it better to have loved and lost, or to never have loved at all?

Better to have suffered the curse of knowledge, or to have continued a life of blissful ignorance?

If you had never known warmth, would you still crave it? But even if you did, that craving would not be nearly as strong as when you are held close, kept warm, and that warmth was stripped from you in a heartbeat.

Time spent wishing and yearning becomes time spent happy, but when the end comes, the happiness withers away and the time becomes cracked and empty.

Would it not become more desirable, then, to have months of longing rather than a blank void in your mind.

Ignorance is bliss.

Yet still, I am happy to have lived, to have experienced.

For without knowledge, we cannot grow.

[thesilentarestill]

this might be my favourite animatic of anything ever and it wont make any sense to anyone unless they are obsessed with a niche indie game to the point of understanding several characters who talk about each other like twice in the entire game

The Animatic is finished ::)

A more artistic telling of how slate and gossan managed their feelings with feldspars disappearance.

After god knows how many crashes, it is done! Below for the usual rambling vv ::)

Soooo.... it is done!! This is held together by duct tape and lots of praying. So many crashes.... Krita why..

BUT AHHAUAUAHAHAHHA ITS DONE!! ITS SCUFFED YEA BUT ITS DONE. Really a passion project that I had no idea i could manage to make.

The amount of symbolism in this is- insane btw. Just yea

Many feelings about this, the quality is bad for some reason but aaurugh i cant be bothered anymore </3

Im happy!!! Them!!! Big thanks to carol, cobalt, and cosmo for just being amazing and inspiring me to make this

Im proud

anyways dont expect something like this anytime soon but hey... smaller sillier shitposts *might* become a thing. Other than that idk.. there are some smaller projects already in the thinking factory so i guess look forward to these!!

@sawyer-is-eepy the tag since you asked, enjoy!!

Also to all of you who said that this one scene reminded you of lagtrain. Yes. It's bc it's referencing that. I'm glad people picked up on it xdd