thetrgger

[thetrgger]

I'm never going to help anyone like I want to. Why would I be given that opportunity, when I wouldn't even do it right, even if I deserved to try? I can only dream of being someone's savior, of helping, of being useful, but every chance I've had to do that for real I threw away, wasted through laziness or incompetence. What if someone gets close to me, relies on me, and one day falls into a bad spot? What if they desperately need help, from anyone, and I could be that anyone, but I can't help them? Because I'm too lazy or forgetful or unable to do things right? They'd depend on me, rely on me, they'd need me in a moment of utter despair, showing me how vulnerable and weak they are, and I just leave them like that. Because I can't help anyone. It's never going to happen.

[thetrgger]

I am ninja, sneaky deaky, also Russian, cheeki breeki.

[thetrgger]

FUCK FUCK FUCK fucking DAMMIT he's messing with my FUCKING MIND. I can't handle this sort of BULLSHIT but I want to believe in it but I know I fucking can't so FUCK

[thetrgger]

I'm going to save up 433.82€ so I can buy a longsword now that I'm 18 and solidify my adulthood. I was considering armour too but that's in the thousands and the sword is already looking like a bucket list item than anything.

[thetrgger]

I think, or at least hope, that there's someone out there that I love. Maybe even so much that I love them even now, despite not knowing that they even exist. Because sometimes, I feel strange. Like I miss someone, not someone dead or gone, but just someone who I haven't talked to since a few hours ago. Like I want to go through all our texts and read it like a story. They'd be the protagonist and become my favourite character immediately. I'd kick my feet sometimes, maybe turning around in my chair a bit. I'd stop reading every now and then, imagining what it would be like if it was happening right now. What I'd do and say. I'd get excited about every conversation I forgot we had and could discover again. Maybe at some point I'd start crying a bit because it's not happening again right now. Maybe I'd get up and walk around my room, just imagining them in my mind. Not a specific scenario or moment, just them. Their face, maybe the clothes they sometimes wear that I think make them cute or cool. Maybe think about the foods I've eaten with them. And I'd know I love them so much it's even a little weird. I'd trade away all my days just for them, but I know I don't want to live, so I'd promise to live as long as I can for them. I'd promise to keep every day of mine and spend it with them. I'd promise I'd start loving myself so long as they loved me too. I'd do the things I want to do with them, and I wouldn't be good at them, but I'd be happy because it's with them. I'd sing songs that make me think of them, not because I'm good at singing, but because I can't be quiet. People would tell me I bob my head to the tunes randomly and I don't even notice.

Wow...

I really am alone.

[thetrgger]

Have you ever spoken to someone in your dream? It's such a surreal experience. I spoke with myself once, through a reflection. It was like a mimic or a wendigo, or like AI. It was me, so closely me, but I could see the slight mistakes, the small differences between the artificial and natural. The reflection, when it spoke of itself, it spoke of a life so barely different from my own. It was trying so hard to imitate me, but it couldn't get the details right. Like it was filling out a test, seeing what answers were correct. Studying. Practicing.

[thetrgger]

I'm going to be a little honest here and say this: I am unnerved when there is a piece of media that is deep, not outright joyful, but I don't know who the author really is or what the actual, full meaning of the media is. The Caretaker's "Everywhere at the End of Time" series of albums disturbed me a lot. Not specifically because of the actual music itself, but because I knew that it had meaning, but I didn't know who The Caretaker was at the time nor the full meaning of the music.

Jack Stauber's work is off-putting to me even now. I know who Jack Stauber is, he doesn't use a false name or anything, all his works are short and different. I have to individually study them all to watch them comfortably. Sure, they're simple messages and meanings, and a lot of them are easy for many people to get quickly, but I've never been good at getting stuff. And when I listen to Stauber's works, they're good, but without the context info, it doesn't feel okay.

I have nothing against artists like Stauber or Kirby, mind you. They're both great artists in their fields and I like their works, and I don't dislike anyone or their works because of what they are. I just wanted to throw it out there.

[thetrgger]

I remember things from the future, I can predict things in the past. I come after the end, and from before the beginning. I gaze up into the waters, reflecting the stars below. I see the truth with closed eyes, I'll be here 'til life tears me apart.

[thetrgger]

Hide,

from the war that came from the soldiers, marching from the bodies they maim from the self, watching

in the arms of mother in the memories, past in the forest with brother in the end, last

Hide.

[thetrgger]

I didn't think I'd still be feeling this lonely by now. Then again, I don't think I was ever meant to make it this far anyways. The outside the bounds, behind the curtains. Beating the immortal boss, glitching through doors. I only wish that I'd lag back to the game, or just die to the a void already. It feels hollow here.

[thetrgger]

monocle toting word vomit:

A mountebank's self-imposed ethereal existence sustained by the hyper-consciousness of a pseudo-erudition.

[thetrgger]

I don't want to push them away but how do I even begin to tell them something that can never make them happy

It's only half of me I swear. Only the half that knows the truth. But I want to live. This half does. It knows the truth but it wants something else, it wants more, it wants to live and not go like this. Why couldn't that part of me be free. Why did it get dragged into this.

[thetrgger]

I don't know whether I have to live like this or if I have so incredibly forced the idea into my brain that I cannot live otherwise. Because I don't exactly want this, but it is indirectly what ends with the right ending. And I also want to do the right thing, so I want this too. If I want it, does that even mean I have to do it? I confuse myself, even when I really wish I didn't.

[thetrgger]

I never bring happiness when I talk, and I know that, I understand that better now. In SL, everyone is forced close together. People hear me talking and feel bad for the simpleton, they force themselves to listen, all the while dreading the person I am. I only want to make people happy, but I don't. I only stall the rounds, distract the players. It's just a detriment.

On Tumblr, or any other social media, for that matter, no one is forced to engage with my "content", if they ever even see it. No one needs to pity me because they don't have to look at me. That's why I never get any views, any likes, any real comments.

I bet pity is why they made me a moderator in the first place, on SL. They saw an application from a person that was too stupid to shut up. Took pity on me, accepted the application just for my sake. That's why I've never gotten promoted, never will. I'm underqualified even for this.

I think that's why I'll never change, either. Someone, something, took pity on me. The idea of my existence. Gave a body, a life to live, although short and miserable. And it will never change, never improve, because I'm underqualified even for life.

I should make the right decision. Resign from mod, uninstall the game, not look back at it. Just like I did to the few friends that tried to interact with me. But I can't. I'm still too stupid to fully cope with the idea that I can't bring happiness, because that is all I want.

But I know I don't make people happy. I can see that. I'm just waiting to accept that.

[thetrgger]

I'm playing Skyrim again for the nteenth time. I'm playing a fire mage, because I remembered Ulfric's line at the start of the game "Legends don't burn down villages." However, it felt so fitting that I, the dragon(born) of prophecy, do burn down villages. Now, sure, technically you could also say the dragonborn of legend, but I ignore that cause it doesn't make my point cool anymore.

I'm also going to use steel plate armour for most of the game, as it looks like a lighter version of the ebony armour. When the ebony warrior quest comes and I defeat him, I will take his armour and keep it. Once I complete every quest (or at least every main quest) I will switch to his armour, the armour of someone who did everything and fought everyone. I will then finish the menial tasks, learn every spell, finish misc quests, maybe get every item. After that, because I have the creation club add-on for ebony plate mail, I will wear the ebony plate mail you get off of the leader of the Crimson Dirks. The armour of someone who decided it was time to leave behind this world, someone who, to me at least, seemed like a person that had finished all of life.

[thetrgger]

Don't worry, once you hit rock bottom, there's always someone to grab your leg and start slamming you against the ground.

[thetrgger]

If you want to be a true alpha male, then you need a tall, muscular woman to dominate you in the relationship. You can only be a true leader if you learn from example what works best to making people feel submissive. And don't skimp out on the studying, either! You need to dedicate your entire, whole being to properly playing the part of a soft and loving husband for your dommy mommy wife, otherwise you'll never learn what it really means to control the submissives!