thewurstgirlfriend - Tumblr blog

[thewurstgirlfriend]

Thoughts as blurry as the snow

Maybe it's the blizzard blowing snow sideways out my window, or maybe it's mid-life crisis not too sure...

But this morning I'm thinking about how 4 years ago we were anticipating the arrival of Covid-19, and in those first lock-downs we saw what can happen when our legislators turn to industry captains and say "Do something about this! Now!" and the entire economy shifted on a dime to produce that which we would need to get through. And over time the legislators themselves crafted policies around the advice of scientists and health professionals.

I would say this is evidence and research-based practice, it eventually ran amok and the virus was cited as a reason or all manner of blacklisting and whitewashing by power brokers of all types... but in those first lock-down days we saw the power that they truly behold.

Imagine if they took the same approach to solve the housing crisis, the opioid epidemic, the growing income gap & disappearing middle class? Food islands,decades old boil water advisories, the looming healthcare system crisis as it is overwhelmed with dying baby boomers?(This last item is what MAID is all about....we'll just kill people as they sit on wait-lists)

I know it's a pipe dream but just imagine a system WE hold the true power, oh yes we still have our elected officials and lawmakers....but everything gets put to a national referendum vote, every single bill?

Just imagine?

[thewurstgirlfriend]

On: Drugs

So in a prior post I alluded to having a surgery(it was unrelated to my transition) and it was such a wild experience! The only other time I had been put under anesthesia before was when I had my wisdom teeth removed, so that was the litmus I was gauging it by.

I showed up in the early afternoon, I was admitted and shown a bed & given a gown to change into. They hooked an IV up to my left wrist with one of those rolly carts. I had to bring it with me like 3 times to the bathroom cuz of the old t-blocker peeing...and they kept me waiting for almost 2 hours before the doctors were ready for me so I was anxious AF about it too. But they finally wheeled me in and Holy Crap! after never having seen an operating theater before I was impressed by the medical tech on display.

The anesthesiologist was a little firecracker of a Chinese woman, we spoke for a few minutes and she asked me about my meds because she couldn't figure out why I was on such a high dose of a blood pressure medication at my age and there was this awkward moment where I had to explain that I'm trans & that's part of my HRT. I still haven't submitted the paperwork to change my gender indicator on all my ID,and THAT will be another writing unto itself. But the doctor had the nurse put a breathing mask over my face and she told me it was oxygen, after a moment she goes "OK! Medicine now!" and I took about three breaths then gasped awake in a different room.

It was entirely weird! I had been put under for almost 3 hours but when I awoke I didn't feel as if I was missing time, it felt like seconds to me. I was also a lot more alert and lucid then I expected to be, I was hauling my IV cart for a pee just a few minutes after waking up. I thought I'd be groggy and feel almost drunk, and be generally unable to move. They told me they pumped me full of freezing which probably helped a great deal when I took the stairs up to my loft. They had given me a prescription for painkillers but the pharmacy was closed when I got back home so I had to wait. Again, I had the false impression that they'd send me home with the medication in hand. My logic being that even though it was a simple routine surgery, an open operation is still a major surgery. I was anxious about the entire ordeal, I expected things to be entirely different.

The next morning I hobbled down my stairs and to the pharmacy across the street, I was in pain but not excruciatingly so. In classic doctor shorthand, I had no idea which medication I was waiting on. They called me over for a consult & it turns out it was hydromorphone! It came with a giant warning package with it about all the associated risks and I took it quite seriously....I have been closely affected by the opioid crisis several times, as recently as 6 weeks ago a friend passed in a questionable overdose. And I know all too well the power of addiction.

In addition to the statistics surrounding mental health disorders and self-harm behaviors in the trans community, addiction rates are also disproportionately high, and I am no exception to these numbers. Waxing honestly, coming from a troubled childhood home I've been linked into the mental healthcare system for most of my life. I have been diagnosed with dysthymia and Cluster-B characteristics in addition to having ADHD. I have struggled with alcohol for most of my life, I was introduced to it by family at a young age & became a problem drinker in my teens and early 20s. I had been sober almost 6 years when my marriage ended just a few months before the first COVID-19 lock-downs...around this time I was laid-off and had my car repo'd because I could no longer keep up the payments. Now, I know I'm not the only casualty of the pandemic but I did NOT handle all that disaster in my life all at once and I relapsed into drinking for about 2 years. I'm currently 10 months alcohol free, and I stopped smoking cigarettes. I still smoke a fair amount of cannabis but it's legal where I am and just as hard to avoid as booze. I occasionally use psylocibin mushrooms but I approach that more therapeutically, as does my therapist. She's a beautiful soul, I owe her my life. I've worked with her closely for 3 years now...she's helped me get sober & help me work up the courage to live honestly. And 20 years ago my counselor would have given me proper crap about "eating shrooms" and I would've been kicked out of the program. Now I tell her and she's curious about how helpful the experience was....the science is there, I don't make this up. It is what it is, fight me in the comments. But what the hell was I even saying??

Oh yeah, opiates...So I took 2 doses of the hydromorphone, exactly as prescribed, and that was enough to make me itchy if you know what I mean. It's a powerful drug omg, don't get me wrong it does what it's supposed to. It dulled my surgical pain beautifully and I slept better than I had in quite some time. And there's the rub, just like that I felt I wanted to use it every day. Not to get high of course, but that deep rest was alluring.....I'm not alone here & it's crazy because we're talking about single-use event addiction pathways!! I ended up bringing the pills back to the pharmacy because I never really needed them in the first place, plus... in a low moment after 3 days in bed, I realized there was enough drug in that jar to make ALL of my problems go away....not that I'm any more sad than usual but that's how readily I can think like that.

This experience opened my eyes, bearing in mind that this is all IMHO, and knowing that everybody's unique experience is exactly that....perhaps physicians are over-prescribing and over-medicating? Should there be a better screening process to ensure these drugs are the most appropriate for the correct circumstances in the right patients? Absolutely, there are legitimate conditions for their clinical use, and one of the bigger factors is non-pharmaceutical grade drugs infiltrating city streets. What are we to do? I'm left perplexed, all I have is questions and more questions where no answers are coming.

Going forward, I had a sweaty, sleepy day after I took the pills back... I was able to manage the pain with plain old acetaminophen. A few more days in bed and I was back on my feet. Its been 11 days since the surgery and I feel great and I'm healing well! I've had more time to pull this girl together and a more permanent transition into womanhood is on the horizon in the new year. My writing is going to be a huge part of my healing, and my becoming whole. Make sure you like/follow/subscribe and do all the things! Talk soon!

Much Love

Genni Bee

[thewurstgirlfriend]

Fear Is An Understatement

So I'm stepping into my new life as a openly trans person with much anxiety and trepidation. I don't have the biggest network of allies and supportive people, and the trans community in my small city is probably less than 100 individuals. I've reached out and connected with a few, but being freshly out I'm the new kid in town and its hard to make inroads with a guarded, close-knit community at 40 years of age.

For reasons I still haven't discovered, I experienced a sudden job loss ( I suspect there's connections to my coming out in October) just the day before my 40th birthday. Got it on a text message, guy told me not to bother coming in & he's got my shifts covered....unceremoniously dumped, and I'm far too accustomed to being treated like that.

I'm more upset that I had to give the company vehicle back than losing the job. Frankly it was toxic and it fucking sucked for the past year of the 3 that I had been with that business. So I lost my job, the car I was driving, and my extended health benefits. So I'll be paying out-of-pocket for my hormone therapy now, but thats okay cuz that little boy knocked this girl down for a day...but I'm only coming back stronger!!

The hormones are wild! And I knew they would be, but no one prepared me for just how quickly a mood swing can happen. I'm incapable of watching a Disney movie with my child without crying now. I find myself happy, sad & angry all at the same time but I'm learning to hold space for and fully experience each and every emotion. I approach problems and people in a different way...I am thinking and information-processing in a new manner.

So its been wild n crazy, all-over-the-place kind of emotional experience for me. Lots of crying.....and peeing!! No one told me about the peeing!

I'm taking spironolactone as my testosterone blocker, in lower doses its a blood pressure pill...and its classified as a potassium-sparing diuretic. Which means I pee...alot! And because it affects my electrolytes, I also have to alter my diet slightly to avoid foods high in potassium.

It was a sad day when I had what could end up being the very last banana I ever consume, have you tried making a protein shake without one?! Someone told me avocados would give the same texture but its just not the same, and where I am they're like $3 each, so no...

At the end it does really boil down to fear:

Fear of rejection

Fear of failure and isolation

Fear of financial uncertainty

Fear of never being able to eat a banana

And a constant, overriding fear of peeing my pants

Much love🙏✌

Genni

[thewurstgirlfriend]

'Tis the Reason to Live Fully

I’m actually not all that certain if Lady Gaga was right about me. I don’t know if I was born this way, but I sure am now.

It's been a long road just to get where the journey starts! I’m freshly 40, I just won my freedom when I came out on Halloween…when I told everyone I’m a queen. And now we are here at the tail end of the year & I know deep inside that this is my final holiday season as a man.

Occasionally I feel as if I’ve waited too long, but there’s no better time than now. I am ready for this….the world is ready for this. It was a nightmare reaching out to my estranged biological family but I wanted to do this “right", I spent 3 nights compiling an email to my ex-wife that was hell for me to send, I have a 7½ year old son who is still too young to fully grasp what’s happening…I have a peer group that is predominantly white & cishet/monog and being honest with them is difficult.  Years of hiding have left me shy, awkward and anxious & I’m lacking a proper network of people like me, but that’s what this is about!

I invite you to follow along, to join me on this exciting new path I’ve embarked upon. I am not meant to keep this light and this love all to myself. I’m clonky, chonky, loud & proud. And I’m just getting started

Much love my friends💋😘

Genni Bee