theyinapluralway

[theyinapluralway]

How it feels when your system is trying to make any important decision

[theyinapluralway]

celebrating the subtle schizophrenia wins like finishing an entire bag of food without my brain convincing me it’s poisoned like hell yeahhhhh brother i’m sane as shit

[theyinapluralway]

That moment when another alter said something really out of pocket and you reread the messages

[theyinapluralway]

some of the most annoying ass hallucinations fucking EVER are my tactile hallucinations that there’s something on my face, or in my teeth, or up my nose, and there’s rarely anything but no matter how many times I check myself in the mirror that gd sensation won’t go away (nor the feeling that everyone is staring at me because of it 🥴) and it’s just like brooooo leave me to rot in peace I beg of you

[theyinapluralway]

Today in therapy I learned the term double bookkeeping and everything makes much more sense now

“Double bookkeeping is a term introduced by Eugen Bleuler to describe a fundamental feature of schizophrenia where psychotic reality can exist side by side with shared reality even when these realities seem mutually exclusive.”

This is why I can know I’m schizophrenic and still believe my delusions. My psychosis is its own separate reality where everything is possible. Logic doesn’t apply there, I’m unreal, my reality is unreal so unreal things can happen. I know it’s physiologically impossible and implausible, I know it’s a symptom of psychosis and not an experience I share with most of the world, but it’s still real to me

Do any other schizospec folk experience this?

[theyinapluralway]

[theyinapluralway]

gah i hate that i exist in this weird space where in order to feel safe with someone as a friend, i need them to like all of us (me + my headmates) but. more often than not, not all of us like that friend.

it feels like a catch 22. it doesn’t feel like a fair expectation to put on my friends at all. expecting them to love someone who doesn’t even really want to talk or be around them. but it’s hard for me to relax into a friendship when i know they make my headmates feel disliked and unloved.

[theyinapluralway]

having DID and schizophrenia is a blessing and a curse tbh. two of us in the system (out of 8) have it

on the blessing side of things—our positive and negative symptoms got split right down the middle. so one of us (host) experiences the positive symptoms and the other (me, one of our protectors) experiences the negative symptoms. i see the logic behind it. the way our brain was like, hey. experiencing the full spectrum of schizophrenia is Too Much™️ so let’s make this a lil easier.

another blessing is that that means there are headmates of ours who don’t experience schizophrenic symptoms at all. they get like… a chance at “normality.” it fucking sucks for us two because like. we drew the short straws in terms of experiencing such awful symptoms (not that the others don’t have their own things going on, but def not like this). but it feels like a labor of love/sacrifice in a lot of ways and i can find peace in that even though i feel a LOT of jealousy and sadness around it. another blessing—our headmates without schizophrenia can help ground us in reality. whether that’s with delusions or hallucinations, they can help us “verify” reality with what our brain is telling us if they’re co-conscious. i’ve had headmates hold me through psychotic episodes that were super scary and i would’ve otherwise been alone during.

it was such an interesting experience figuring out the difference between the “good” voices (other alters) and the “bad” (delusions/hallucinations). at first i thought my headmates were just part of my delusions. but over time i managed to figure out how they differ.

i’ll have to make a separate post about the curses about it bc this got long lol

[theyinapluralway]

but damn dude, it's a very... interesting experience. my sibling and parent are both schizophrenic and i recognize that, if my trauma never happened, i would still be schizophrenic. i was always going to be schizophrenic. the trauma just kinda... compounded the pre-fractured nature of my brain and the damage was truly. a critical hit ngl

having DID and schizophrenia is such a fucking SCAM, 10/10 do NOT recommend

[theyinapluralway]

having DID and schizophrenia is such a fucking SCAM, 10/10 do NOT recommend

[theyinapluralway]

“One of your alters doesn’t like me!”

My dude some of my alters don’t like ME. You ain’t special.

[theyinapluralway]

[theyinapluralway]

me @ the little boy in my head: I don’t have DID, YOU have DID

him: yeah dude, that totally makes sense

also him: *turns to our headmates*

[theyinapluralway]

I do think it’s funny I’m the one that created this blog tho because we’ve been thinking about finally taking the leap to engaging with community for a while but I’m the only one of the core team who doesn’t think we have DID lmaoooo

[theyinapluralway]

we (initiated by our host) had our big system awareness a year and half ago but have been wayyyyy too scared to interact with systems online or engage with DID content anywhere else because like. then it’s real yknow? which is WILD because we have a whole ass psych degree to back it up, have been diagnosed, have signs and symptoms that are impossible to ignore, have had our friends confirm it time and time again and call us by name even when we don’t notice, and yet. and YET. laughing at DID memes is what makes it too real. because shiiiit if it’s deep like THAT? it’s fr fr.

[theyinapluralway]

[theyinapluralway]

Shoutout to all the hosts who thought arguing with the guys in your head was a normal way of “thinking about things” 😭