things-i-dont-want-people-to-see

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

interacting with people online sucks when we can't come to an agreement

like dude I was just joking around, don't need to send me a whole ass essay, chill

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

Sooo maybeeee i should start taking antidepressants again

The therapy is good but not enough. I've been having breakdowns every week and I can't afford to continue on like this

I've got a fucking life to live, things to study, places to see, sports to practice, a fanfic to write, people to talk and to meet. It can't all be a bad decision, right? I can't be.

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

Isn't it sooo funny that you can't do anything right in your life? Like ahh why didn't you just do the fucking test like mom told you to?

What so I could compare my score to hers?

Idfk and idfc you should have done the test before it was too late. Now here you are, trapped in a job that pays too little, in a body that says barely more than that for itself. What the fuck do you want? Why can't you just figure that out and then start from there?

Maybe I could do something that I'm good at? Like, sports?

Yeah? With what social skills you dumbass?

I don’t need social skills to practice sports, I can just do it and not talk with anyone

Sure, and then when you achieve something, who are you going to celebrate it with? Is anyone even going to want to celebrate it with you? Will you even have the guts to want to celebrate it?

With the way that I am now... I don’t think so

Of course not. Becuasw you will forever be alone, trapped in this good for nothing body, leading a good for nothing life. Even the people who depend on you think you suck at your job! They are only staying with you because they pity you! Everyone can see you don’t have enough experience! Everyone can see you can't take it any longer! Everyone walk on eggshells around you because you are unstable, you suck as a human being. You're a terrible sister, a terrible daughter, and that's all you'll ever be because you don’t have any other relationships in your life. You really suck. You're such a loser. You've always been wrong about every thought and feeling you ever had.

I feel like, if someone even looks at me, I'm going to break down crying.

You're such a burden. So selfish. Can't even take on your own feelings. Useless. Coward. Weak.

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

Things feel heavy again. I'm trying not to let it get to me, but talking and acting and reacting tires me out so much I've been expressionless for most of the night.

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

I think today for the first time I noticed how much anger I have stored inside

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

Just spent 2 hours angry crying trying to figure out my last project's theme and actually no it has been 2 weeks since I started panicking about it because what the fuck am I supposed to say to all y'all??? That I didnt learn anything on this god forsaken psychology course??? I know this isnt true, I did actually learn some stuff, but I feel like I didnt??? Like Im a big failure that can't retain knowledge and is terrible at powerpoint presentations

My sister helped me figure out some stuff tho, I think I can move on and actually get this shit done. Fuck the rest of the people in this world though

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

My head hurts from crying. But is it even possible to go through life without breaking down every now and then? Maybe in the past. Nowadays everyone seems fragile, in the brink of their existence, ready to colapse. And the worst part is how cynical I find myself to be, how certain I am that there's nothing better after this. Life and existence just are, and there's nothing I can do about it.

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

I don’t think I'm going to make it. I feel my destiny on the deep nothing that accompanies me to bed every night. I know I could make it - I have made it before. But what's it worth? Is there any value on the things that I do? Does it matter if it has value to me? Does it have value to me?

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

Why do I gotta be so critical of myself? Every word that comes out of my mouth is instantly subjected to a deep analysis. My mind gives its veredict in less than a second: "you shouldn't have said that." I think to myself, "but if I didn't say it, I wouldn't say anything at all." The opressive silence my mind answers me with shuts me up, and I resign myself that this is how it's supposed to be.

[things-i-dont-want-people-to-see]

I believe people dont really care about whats going on on my life. For me, there's a distance that is kept at all costs. If I cry, I'll do it alone. If you see me cry, you'll say "I'm here for you" and I'll say "Thank you" because that's what it's expected of me, and we'll never talk about it again. I'm sure there's something about me (the way I see and deal with emotions and thoughts) that keeps people at bay, and I know it's my fault. Even if, sure, I had had shitty friends who couldn't care less if I suddenly stopped talking (stopped smiling, stopped responding), who shouted at my face to "stop being depressed", who laughed and made jokes about me when I couldn't even muster enough energy to be angry about it. Sure, I've been isolated before. But the only one doing it now is me. And I hate me for it, but I hate myself more when I have to ask for help, when I have to impose on others and ask for them to help me relieve some of the weight I carry. I've had friends who did that. It wasn't nice. It was tiresome. I don’t want to be that on other people. So if I cry, I'll do it alone.