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[thisguywrote]

First post to this blog

Ok, so I am going to try thing blogging thing. Just kind off put what is in my mind onto here. So lets begin I guess. 

*sigh*. What to write. What to write. bla bla. Talk about my personal life? Stuff that is going on, or has been going on? I certainly have stuff to say about that. Well I guess I could start with a simple introduction I guess. 

Here we go.

I am a 30 year old male, I spent almost all of my twenties taking care of my parents. My father had cancer that would go in and out of remission. Just when you thought it was over it would come back to only go away again. I became pretty numb from this. The last time his cancer came back it was worse than ever, he lost the use of his right arm, and due to his lymph nodes being removed fluid would  build up in in it making it swell and causing him pain. He did put on some kind off device that would help push the fluids back up. he kept saying this was due to all the chemo, that it wasnt the cancer. And I believed him. I though “Yeah, this is just a side effect from all the chemo. It isnt cancer. No. The cancer is gone, he will be fine. Yeah, he is fine.” Well it was the cancer, he knew that but didnt want me to know about it. 

It became true to me when I saw the sores on his back. Well, sores is an understatement. The cancer was literally eating the flesh on his back. I remember the feeling I had when seeing that. See before I would try to shove things into the back of my mind, get them put away. I always felt that I was manually putting them away. This though, this was when I felt it no longer in my control. It remember trying to hold onto the thought, but it was like it slipped away and then I forgot what I felt. I think this was when I finally broke. When I went over the edge. My denial had gone in full steam. 

I wish I could say this was the last or the worst of it, that it got better after that. That even though he died later, I began to heal. I cant say that because it isnt true. 

A week or two before my father passed away my mother held a gun to me. Came up behind me, breathing heavily. I turned around and I saw her holding a gun. Her eyes showed that she wasnt there. I was already not doing well, but this, I think this shattered my mind. Not brake it, my mind was broken from seeing my father’s sores on his back. No, this completely shattered it. Thankfully the gun wasn’t loaded, but it doeant make it any better. Later that day found out from my father telling me that she walked towards the bathroom with a knife while I was taking a shower but stopped when my dad saw her. I tell myself I understand why she did this, she had a mental break down because my father would not go to a hospital for care and he convinced her to stop taking her anti depressants. I get the reasoning behind the events. I get the mechanics of it. The whys the hows. How I feel about it? empty. it is like a bad dream. maybe terrified, but even that fear is just a faint whisper. I just feel completely empty from it. Like it was too much that I cant feel it. Havent been able to really feel ever since. There have been some feelings after time passed, but its always been hallow. Faint whispers at most. They dont feel like my own. They feel alien and far away. 

Now this isn’t where things end and my new life begins a new. I mean I tried to get better. But it always felt like sleep walking. So my mother had to spend about a month in a mental hospital a state away, and then she was released. She was better, kind of.  After a couple of years we moved. This was really hard on me. The house I grew up in, gone. Really didn’t help that my mother was all “I dont understand why you miss that place” I grew up there. It was my home. And I felt like it was taken away from me, like so many other things recently. 

Speaking of her saying “I dont understand” she said that she felt that because the gun wasn’t loaded that it shouldnt be that big of an issue. WHAT? Fine, you are in some denial too, but still. Ugh. Hurts a lot to hear that. 

Well, our new place we live in, I hate it. But we got it for a decent price and its something. Still, never felt like home there. Lived in an area where there were only much older people. I spent most of my time locked away because reality it was too much. I lost my father, my home I grew up in, and the person I was living with held a gun to me and doesnt understand why that is an issue. I say person because ever since then it was like she was no longer my mother, just some person. I felt nothing. 

A year later my grandfather passes away, grandfather that helped raise me as a child. Someone I looked up to. But my feeling wasnt sadness. It was just “what ever, I am used to this now I guess” just empty. Lifeless. 

I started to get better sometime later. Went back to college. I say better as in I was doing thing. How I felt inside, still empty. It was a feeling of just waiting to die but might as well do something just in case I wake up from this nightmare. Have a career. The thought had no feeling behind it, just seemed to make sense. 

After about a year of college my mother has a mental breakdown. Was nearing the 4 year anniversary of my father’s death and she has lost her medication. This brings back old terrors that I promptly shut away. I mainly felt like “maybe she will get the job done this time” partly from a way to distance myself from the fear and partly from some hope of ending this nightmare. 

She is taken to a mental hospital for about a month. She isnt well, and she doesn’t really get better. She has a personality change and they let her out. She isnt the same. I just push everything away, just sleepwalk. A month later I wake up and see her in her bed. She looks like she is sleeping. I check up on her an hour later and I notice my cat is looking at her strangely. I get a better look and see her face is turning blue. She isnt breathing. I immediately call 911 and preform cpr. She is taken to the hospital  but there is nothing they can do. It is likely she overdosed on medication. Unsure if it was on purpose or accidental. Wouldnt be the first time for either of those. 

Its been a year since this has happened. Little over a year. I have my own place, but I feel dead inside. I feel like I am just waiting for death. I am trying to improve but....I have no feeling behind it. I feel empty. 

The best way I can describe it is imagine one of those really bad nightmares. The ones where everything is wrong. Everything just feels horrible, and then you wake up. Now imagine that nightmare is what you wake up to day after day after day. It has been compounded by other nightmares so much that you dont feel anything. 

Pretty much how I feel. I have been living in a nightmare for a long time and I still am inside it. I have yet to escape. Yet to wake up. Will things get better? Dont know. Do I care if they do? Not really. 

What keeps me from taking a bunch of pills is partly due to just sleepwalking through this. But a bigger part is that I fear what is on the other side. I am terrified by it. I just see a black void, or a nightmarish hell that makes this one seem like a fun ride. Or having to relive my worst memories in a hellish acid trip afterlife over and over and over. 

Dont know what else to say right now. I’ll see how this blog things goes. 

Later.