thismorningstudio

[thismorningstudio]

1/100 Question

Will we always feel the need to express, even when no one is watching? How does the language of fashion engage, invite or express when there is no event to go to or people to see? Does self-expression adopt a new language without the audience it used to have?

[thismorningstudio]

Emotional distance.

Still waters.

Deflecting light to the bottom of my heart.

New life growing and swaying.

Streams of bitter blood washing away,

diverging into streams,

on their way to meet me later.

What I’m learning: Emotions turn dark when they’re left to wait. There’s no such thing as waiting when emotions get in the way.

[thismorningstudio]

[thismorningstudio]

Want.

October 21, 2018

Give

give

and give.

So he can 

keep

what’s never been

taken from him

before.

What I Learned: Sometimes, I just want what I give.

[thismorningstudio]

Teach me.

October 21, 2018

I’ve loved like I never loved before... without anything back. Oh how this journey drained me and saved me.

What I learned: Accept what is, so you receive what it has to teach you.

[thismorningstudio]

Feeling Full.

I woke up feeling full.

I start my day fulfilled today. As I awoke, I knew exactly why. I realized words of empowerment, conviction, uplift, courage and depth nourished my sleep. 

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend David Brooks’ talk on ‘Finding Purpose in an Age of Selfishness,’ and while he shared a series of personal anecdotes about his journey in the valley I came away with very personal realizations. For one, I realized although we do not want to endure pain, the only way to become more of ourselves is to walk through the wilderness and discover ourselves from the very core of our vulnerability-- to be broken open and transform our pain rather than transmitting our pain unto others. We need to transform our pain and make it a part of ourselves, to sustain ourselves as that of a becoming soul. To feel pain, endure it, become familiar with it, make it mine and bring meaning to it-- that is growth, and it is necessary.

[thismorningstudio]

2018 showed me what it is to face reality, and acknowledge what is healthy and unhealthy for myself. It was a year of leadership in the most personal of ways. To demonstrate unconditional love and in the midst of it, feel so much frustration and strain when the giving fades. My heart was stretched wide open and at times, my heart cried so many dark tears... I think I was going through a detox.

Thanks to 2018 and its challenges, I acknowledged the need for God and professed His impact in my life. I cannot live without this relationship with Him-- I am so grateful that I can see the beauty in his work. I pray that I can give with joy-- to do that, I hope to identify my gifts and utilise them accordingly. I also pray that I meet someone with whom I can share this joy.

[thismorningstudio]

Calling me?

Hey G.O.D

Been feeling called to lead, that is, to demonstrate what I believe. I believe I can only love and give love because of your demonstration of love every single day... and that is not something I can deny. To feel your unconditional love is without a doubt, the most important gift I’ve ever experienced. And for some reason, you’ve challenged me in ways I cannot understand...putting someone in my life to show and demonstrate this love. I’ve gone through feelings of resentment and eventually forgave this person and myself. I’m now thankful for this opportunity. I do not know how this will impact this person in my life, but I believe this is the best I can do while you continue to keep this person in my life.

[thismorningstudio]

Arcs

TWENTIES

Twenty (2005), thank you for the energy to be present, relentless and naively unforgiving

Twenty-one (2006), thank you for the naivety in what I understood as love, and for finding the courage to forgive myself

Twenty-two (2007), thank you for spontaneity in old and new friendships, by which my worlds began to collide into one evolution of lifelong relationships

Twenty-three (2008), thank you for the confidence to trust my curiosities and discover what I love and hate

Twenty-four (2009), thank you for the freedom to be independent and the comfort of an endearing companion

Twenty-five (2010), thank you for my resilience and the curiosity to explore feelings beyond my understanding

Twenty-six (2011), thank you for the courage to untangle myself from dark feelings, revive myself, and challenge my honesty

Twenty-seven (2012), thank you for helping me realise the value of my lifelong relationships that have grown beyond a nostalgic silence

Twenty-eight (2013), thank you for letting me experience this world and live this life through the eyes of our greatest designer

Twenty-nine (2014), thank you for hearts that beat hard for truths that matter, and for letting me share that rhythm with those who live for something greater than themselves

THIRTIES

Thirty (2015), thank you for the arc of my twenties. It’s a gift of relentless courage to believe in myself and those I trust, to be honest with myself and God. I’m nostalgic in ways that bring me back to childlike tendencies, but the years paint a powerful arc of self discovery, courage and revival. I hope this arc will continue to ascend and descend in the next decade of my life, because only in these fluctuations will I develop the clarity to expend my energy and passion in a purpose beyond my own understanding.

Thirty-one (2016), thank you for the endurance to continue becoming...

Thirty-two (2017), thank you for showing me what I have deep down, challenging me to lead and demonstrate the love that God has given me.

Thirty-three (2018), thank you for teaching me what it’s like to live with a healthy mind that gives me strength to have a healthy body and soul. Health in practice helped me pursue new applications of my expertise-- learning by changing contexts, adapting to environments without losing or compromising my voice, beliefs and goals. This was a ‘growing out of darkness’ year, where I brought light into the shadows of boulders I mindlessly and selfishly carried. No more carrying useless weight. Thirty-four is about discarding excess weight, to tread lightly and intentionally (bring light, live intentionally, invest with intention).

Thirty-four (2019), thank you for trusting who I am becoming. Providing me the patience to forgive myself and to be forthright in what I know, what I’ve learned and where I want to go. To know what feels right is a luxury, to act on that knowledge is a gift that’s been in the making. I’m so happy that I trusted myself-- to have gotten to know myself and the ongoing pursuit of a better me. For my 35th year, I’d like to build on this healthy choice by giving love-- being kind, enjoying what is shared, and learning to be healthy with those I love. I want to pursue a healthy and enjoyable life.

Thirty-five (2020) - in-the-making

[thismorningstudio]

Letting familiarity spill over Enough to relapse into a habit Finding myself unlearn it Losing myself Tangled in oversized sleeves Without reach Arms finding their place Hands hiding in pockets Finding nothing left to give

[thismorningstudio]

Hidden gestures

Glimpse of her Striking a pose In a glowing screen Double-tap, My heart disappears With the window Silence Quiets my mind Leaving me in disbelief

His character in doubt for a split second, as I subside into denial Until I realise his abruptness Spoke the truth Allowing his gestures to hide in plain sight

[thismorningstudio]

Casa de Serralves, Porto.

[thismorningstudio]

Cold feet. Rough turf.

Dragged out. Spread thin.

Heavy.

Empty.

Heart.

Gone.

[thismorningstudio]

On mute

The sense of expectations fizzling out, it’s relieving and refreshing. Refreshing to enjoy the other side... to be human and indulge in what comes naturally; unstuck from the unnatural. It was like I pressed mute on expectations that have yet to be challenged. Not ready to unmute this. Feeling ‘unstuck’ is good enough.

[thismorningstudio]

As of late, I’ve been involved in a design project for anxiety and depression. It’s been over a month since myself and a team of eight have treaded the waters of mental health, and we have yet to dive deep. The numerous interviews, workshops, analyses, meetings and conversations have only made myself question my very own mental state. And it’s brought to my attention how easy it is to have your very own self turn on you and corner you into a dark place. Here are a few remarks and realisations I’ve had since interviewing general practitioners, therapists, counsellors and people struggling with mild to moderate depression and/or anxiety:

Just as your thoughts make you feel things, your feelings also make you think things. That is why your mental and physical health are intertwined.

If you’re not able to function and live out your day to day, this is a good enough sign that your mental health needs attention.

When the structures in your life are no longer in place, you know you’ve got to open up to someone about what you’re going through-- everything you feel is real.

Being healthy is a choice and a lifestyle; it is your responsibility to recognise, cope and manage your health.

Health is on a spectrum, and where you sit on that spectrum is defined by how and what you choose to internalise or externalise.

It’s about the therapist, not the therapy.

You need to find your fit [when it comes to treatment]; what works for you might not work for others, accept that and mind your own business.

Find your new normal.

Overcoming a mental health challenge is like stripping away your old self and putting on a renewed self; get comfortable with your new-self.

[thismorningstudio]

I need to know what I want, and be prepared to make what I want happen. Sounds simple, but I’m terrified. To know what I want? Needs are so much easier...but how can you know what you want when there is some much to choose from? I’ve always been paralyzed by choice. The ‘what if’ is daunting, but I’ve been doing a lot more thinking than feeling. Perhaps I need to feel what I want rather than think it. That might be the difference here. Feel what I want, and think about how I will make it happen.

[thismorningstudio]

The more I’ve kept it to myself, the more I’ve been able to normalise it in my mind. It’s been 11 years, and I am now realising how it will never leave me unless I face it. It relentlessly resurfaces and drowns me in shame and anger. Shame for succumbing to the unexpected act, for not remembering if I was fully awake to stop, for not knowing if I wanted to or not. And anger for letting things happen time and time again; acting like I didn’t know it was happening, staying asleep, disrespected, time and time again. Shameful without any self respect. Angry without any courage.