thoughts-of-a-beloved

[thoughts-of-a-beloved]

Have you ever thought about what «getting to know a certain person» does to our treatment towards them? The more we spend time with them, the more we listen to them, the more we talk to them and see their response, the more we get to see a glimpse of their heart, the more we get to know them. And as we discover what a good heart this person has, the more we give our trust.. 

It was last year that I felt God invited me to study the gospels, to observe Jesus, the people and the setting. At first, I thought yeah, I should probably do that because I’m a christian. Aren’t christians suppose to read the bible and learn good doctrine?

So while I was reading through the gospels, God  revealed something about the thoughts I have over the past few years. And I realized I had been studying the bible for some selfish, prideful intentions. I wanted to be good at scriptures and have a good doctrine. I was thinking it’s the key to live a victorious life. While gaining knowledge and understanding was a good goal, my motivation wasn’t quite right.  But God gently showed me a better reason to read the Bible: and that is to truly know His heart. It was an invitation to get to know Jesus with the purpose of truly knowing Him. 

So back to what I’ve said earlier about getting to know someone changes our treatment towards them, for me it was like that with Jesus.

As I flip on the pages of the scripture, reading it slowly, imagining myself to be in that story as an observer, I realized there’s so much to discover about the character of the God we serve.

There were three things that impacted my reading last year:

First, Jesus noticed the marginalized people, he associated himself with people considered as sinners and outcasts of the society. He didn’t require them to be righteous to become his friends. For him, they are all worth to die for, even his enemies. 

As I pondered on these things, I felt God revealed to me what’s inside the human heart, and what’s in my heart. To see people equally broken by sin, yet equally loved by God. 

In my work, I see people suffering from drug addiction, from depression and from different kinds of disease. I also see educated specialists, doctors, nurses, the movers and shapers of the society.. I felt God told me, would you treat all these people with the same worth that I have for them, regardless of what color, education or background? Would you look at them the way I do?

Secondly, as a person who loves to talk about Him to others, I felt God calling me to share the gospel out of love, not out of pride or a desire to prove others wrong just to be seen as right. In one of Jesus’ encounters with the religious people, he said «You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life.» Although his correction and rebuke, may seem harsh his motivation was to save them, to give them eternal life. And this reminded me to embody his motivation as I walk as an ambassador for Christ.

Thirdly, Jesus is moved with compassion. As I recall the story of the man with leprosy who approached him and knelt before him. Luke said the leper bowed his face to the ground, begging to be healed. The thought that this leper is begging, he must’ve know that Jesus could heal him, yet he is uncertain if he would do so. He said, «Lord,” “if you are willing, you can heal me and make me clean.”

I could imagine this leper who probably lived many years in isolation, because he is unclean. Imagine that he has to shout «Unclean! Unclean!» as if owning this is his identity. 

Mark said Jesus was moved with compassion, he reached out and touched him and said, «I am willing» «Be healed»

Jesus could’ve just said the words, «Be healed!» and the disease could’ve been gone.. But no, our God reached out and touched him. By both His words and His touch, Jesus showed that He was in fact willing. He showed the leper more than His power to heal; He also showed His willing and compassionate heart to heal. 

I am so glad that God invited me to get to know Him deeply last year, and this year, I am so thrilled to know that He will show  more of himself to me as I read about Him with the intention of getting to know him. Our God wants to be known, that’s why He didn’t let us left guessing. He gave us the scripture. 

I used to feel despair in uncertainties, in spurs of uncontrollable circumstances, in the long wait…. but as I discover more of His power, his character, his heart I knew then nothing is impossible for Him, He is the God who sees, He is the God who keeps His promises, He is the God who can be trusted. 

[thoughts-of-a-beloved]

So let me tell you how this verse spoke to my heart today.

Lately, I have been feeling disappointed over myself. I kind of felt the need to use my time wisely, yet I find myself scrolling through my phone for videos or buying stuff on the internet. I tried to do social media fasting but felt much condemned for breaking the fast after few days of deciding to do it.

But why phone scrolling?

I noticed that through just scrolling my phone, reading random stuff, watching videos.. these things began to fill my head with not so nice thoughts, which lead to wobbling emotions. And I knew exactly the antidote for this: God's Word..

Studying the bible has become an essential part of my life.. not because I wanted to show off or to tick off the list of things to do as a christian.

You know, reading God's Word has really changed my life over the years. God shows me things through reading His Word, answering my questions about faith, revealing to me His heart, His love, His grace, His character.. revealing to me who Jesus is. You know the feeling of discovering something so profound, wonderful and life-changing that you want to share it to all people..? That's how it was for me. I grew up without any desire to read the bible that when I first got a glimpse of God's love, I felt like I have missed so many years of my life that I got to know who our God is.. and realizing that there were lots of people who don't know that God loves them, I had this burning desire to tell them about it.. But first, I knew I have to know who He is so I can share things correctly..

But the appetite for other things kind of took away my focus. I thought about it, they were actually not bad things.. like for example: workout, socializing with other christians, going to church meetings, learning to play guitar, reviving my violin skills, wanting to learn to sew a dress, reading food blogs for a healthy diet.. They are basically good things, right? But I kind of felt unease in my heart because they all occupied my schedule that I had barely time to do the very thing that I know is so important to me: that is spending time to know God in His Word.

So what I did.. I forced myself to finish my bible reading plan. And when I couldn't do it, since I'm also working full time, I felt so disappointed over myself.. And also, "forcing" myself to read the bible didn't work for me. I just felt I'm doing it in a wrong motivation so it just became disappointment over disappointment.. Totally wrong mentality.

But today, I just told God I could not follow my reading plan, but I want to hear His voice.. what does He want me to know today... and a desire to read Romans came to me.. So I started reading it.. I've read the first chapter quite fast (because I thought I've read it many times already) but then I felt I was reading way too fast, I should read it again..and pause, reflect of what I'm reading.. and that's when the first verse just became so alive that it set me free from all the stress I've carried for months already..

So I noticed how Paul identified himself. Reflecting his life, from a merciless persecutor of christians.. to his conversion to christianity, his passion for Jesus and the church, his ministry, how he dealt with persecution, temptations and trials… how he saw himself was very pivotal in all his decisions and actions afterwards..

In other bible versions, «duolos» is translated as bondservant.. bondservant means one who is subjected to the authority of another.. and this is out of choice (maybe he referred also to Exodus 21:5-6).. Paul was committed to the submission into God’s agenda.. So his thoughts, his words, his actions followed how he defined himself (under the submission to Christ).

He knew his calling. He is called to be an apostle, to be a messenger.. his message is not about himself nor his own.. and because he knows his calling, he devoted himself to nurture that desire God put in his heart.. Just like how he encouraged Timothy "Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you." Paul lived this message.

He says he is set apart for the gospel of God… he considered himself separated for a purpose.. and that entails saying no to things (He was a pharisee so he kinda lived a strict life.) But this time, he is set apart not for the works of his religion but for Jesus and on his message… and this is his message (not of his own but entrusted to him) the Gospel of Christ.. God's message of salvation..reconciliation..redemption..

This verse just changed my focus and my perspective on things. My focus shifted to how disappointing I am to who God is and the Gospel. God reminded me of how and why I had the desire for reading His Word in the first place... to be able to know Him and share Him to others.. because it would be wonderful to see more and more people discover how good our God is, and would eventually choose to live life with Him.

This empowered me to choose how to spend my time. I felt the appetite for doing the other things fell to their rightful place.. I can still do them but they're no longer squeezing to the top priority list.

It's kind of fascinating how this verse, who I used to overlook so many times had set me free from the striving and condemnation I've felt for not using my time wisely. God's word is indeed alive, and I thank Him for clearly showing these things to me.

[thoughts-of-a-beloved]

Lately, God has been teaching me to be genuine in all the things I do.. I felt that He wanted me to do things out of the sincerity of partnering with Him in His purposes. As I’ve read Matthew 6, He just opened up the scripture to me.. 

From verses 1-18, I noticed that Jesus really emphasizes the motives and intentions of our hearts upon doing things. 

I admit that there were times in my life that I did all the christian stuff in order to gain  approval from people. I wanted them to see that I was changed so I’d do all the christianees hoping that people would notice and admire me for who I’ve become. Although I did these things with willingness and poured my heart into doing good, I’ve noticed that I felt rejected when I don’t get a pat on my back or recognition from people. 

So, after having these bad thoughts, I’d have to ask myself.. or should I say, God really revealed to me a heart issue: that a part of me wants to be seen, approved and applauded by people. 

I had to confront myself. God’s approval should be enough. Because not all the time we get applause for doing good, for giving to the needy, for cultivating our relationship with God and making sacrifices. If we allow ourselves to feed on people’s approval, then there’s danger of doing all these things in the wrong motivation. We would feel pressured to do things and we would be offended if we don’t feel appreciated. And having these emotions could lead to strife which opens up for every evil work. 

I thank God for reminding me these things as He continues to teach me of being genuine in all that I do. Even if no one sees my good deeds or sacrifices, it should not matter so much. To be noticed by others for doing such shouldn’t even be my ultimate desire. Releasing this approval addiction could help me not compare myself to others, or measure my good deeds and their good deeds. It really helps us avoid contention.

There is freedom from approval addiction if we grasp this principle:

«Your Father knows what you do in private, and He who sees everything will reward you»

When God's approval/voice/opinion/reward is enough for us, then we wouldn't try to seek attention or approval from men.

[thoughts-of-a-beloved]

[thoughts-of-a-beloved]

Before I tell you why I am a christian, I’d like to tell you of how I became a christian..

Back when I was a teenager, I was introduced to a religious culture.. At school, I was taught about an angry, hard to appease God.. and that I must always confess how sinful I am, and make my attitude straight so I could be accepted by God. It was really hard to like God, but since He is God, I just have to try to love Him and please Him in all the things I’d do because of fear that He might let bad things happen to me if I wasn’t good.

In my early 20s, I moved to Norway. And here I’ve seen so many people who no longer believe God and don’t like religion.. so I came to a point that I questioned God’s existence.. When I asked God if He’s real, and who He is.. He gotta give me a sign.. and sure enough, a day after, someone asked me if I believe in God.. and if I’ve known that Jesus is the way to the Father??

It was really strange.. It was 2 years after I moved to Norway and never a single norwegian asked me about God. That man invited me to church on a sunday but I didn’t come since I was a bit skeptical..

I continued living my life as if God did not exist. I shoved Him away from me. I lived my life trying to control all things, and I got to decide what I would do and not do.

In 2018, I was back in my hometown for a vacation and met some of my highschool friends. They were talking about Jesus and how God is so faithful.. their eyes were full of hope and they just have this positive outlook in life.

As I went back home that night,I began to think about my life and what I had become.. The past few years since I rejected God, my life was indeed really empty, meaningless and nothing could ever make me genuinely happy..I had everything I was hoping for but not even career, money or boyfriend gave me satisfaction.. That night,I repented and asked God to take me back.. I wanted to know who He really is and so I prayed that He lead me to a church where I could experience growing in a christian community..

Sure enough, a few weeks after I came back to work,I encountered a patient who suddenly invited me to go to church.. and that was the same church the man from few years ago invited me to come into..

So when I went to that church, now my church..there, I felt so much love and felt at home instantly. It’s as if God welcomed me back, and dressed me, given me a new identity. I began attending bible studies and read the bible by myself and learned a lot about God which I’ve never heard before… I learned how good He is.. I learned that I can just come to Him as I am with all my messes.. and in His grace, He’ll perfect me with His love.. but yes, I didn’t need to be a person with perfect morality,I can just come as I am..

Now it’s almost three years since I’ve decided to really know God and He just doesn’t fail to make me feel how much He cares for me and loves me.. I’ve seen Him also work on the lives of some of my friends who accepted Him, I couldn’t help but be genuinely happy whenever He showers love and grace to people in different walks of life.

We really have such a wonderful, loving God.. I have been looking for the answers of the many questions I have about life and I have only found it in Jesus.. I felt really whole.

So why am I a christian?

Well, how can I say no to God who loves me unconditionally? How can I reject the God who saved me from my misery? How can I deny the God who gave me a new life?

Dear reader, my desire is that you’ll get to experience His love too. There is light amidst the darkness of this world. Grace and peace be with you.

[thoughts-of-a-beloved]

Welcome to my blog.

Ever since I was young, I really had so much passion for writing. It’s my way to share what I think about things.. When I was young, I would write my rants, or whatever that burns in my heart and bothering my mind just to express things and get people to agree with me. :) 

But those were the days when I was consumed by just living for myself..Now, I am thinking to write my thoughts about someone where I have felt so much love- God.

I never really thought that one could love God so much.. but it was when I experienced His love and understood that He was there all along my entire life just loving me... It’s when I was able to love Him too.. 

So from this day, I will tell you what I learned along the way walking with God.