thoughtsfrombolton - Tumblr blog

[thoughtsfrombolton]

guess who be gay

[thoughtsfrombolton]

new college new me

hey gang it's been a bit of a while , guess i forgot about this whole vent into a dark corner of tumblr thing that i do .. andyway ive started college now ! i've rather settled in with the new gang and found myself a good friend in a new student . work is good but i know i'll fall behind :/

also got a bit of a crush on a pal , don't quite know what to do about it though .. bought her coffee yesterday and it was nice.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

gay

anabeth left to go to italy with her friends yesterday morning at 3 am or something. she's gone for two weeks and mums also away till thursday. before she left, me and anabeth were talking in my room when all of a sudden she let the conversation come to a complete standstill .. she was staring at the back of my door , i knew exactly what she was looking at - the pride flag that i'd hung there ( i thought no one would see it because no one would be looking at the back of my door ... idk i guess i thought no one would comment on it.. ) so she sees the flag and just says " are you gay ?". i can't describe the way she said it but it wasn't a kind and caring way .. more of an interrogation / jokey idkkk it made me panick a bunch to the point where i just blurted "nO ..... an ally " fuck. i wasn't fooling anyone and she just wandered out of the room. now i'm pretty sure she told my mum about it because now she keeps coming in and sitting on my bed as if she's expecting me to have a big long confession ( note that me and mum don't talk about anything too deep and i never really have much conversation with her but that's another issue that goes way back. ) but yeah , feel like they've talked about it and i'm kind of on the cusp of coming out to the fam , as for friends , i know they've all talked about it and they all know but i've not told any of them

[thoughtsfrombolton]

3-6-17

today i went for a meal with jacks family and met his cousins and grandma and stuff. it was rather lovely even though i was being an awkward fuck. his cousin james was funny. so , after the meal i went jack to jacks house and we went to get blazed because we didn't on thursday . we went behind the britannia hotel and he picked up and rolled a really fat blunt. i was feeing pretty off anyway and a few tokes in knew that it was hitting me different to how it normally does. after we had smoked it i was feeling really dizzy and not well at all. i ended up fainting and get like shit for the rest of the day. we went back to his and i lay down for a bit but then my mum came to pick me up and i was still out of it .. just a bad experience overall , napped for the rest of the day and still feel weird the next morning

[thoughtsfrombolton]

dream 28-4-17

i'm fucking stressing over that english essay. i dreamt that i was in my english room and screamed at my friend that i sit next to. it was awful i was just screaming in her face that i was gay. i think in the dream she was being homophobic or something and then i shouted at her and said i was gay and asking if she had a problem with that. the whole class heard. it was awful. fuck.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

the choice

okay so in english we today i had to do a creative writing piece as practice for the language exam, we had different titles to choose from and id decided on ‘the choice’ a few days ago but this morning i decided that i didn't like the idea i had and so i panicked a bit at the start of the exam and decided to do ‘the choice’ where my choice is whether to come out or not. now, it is a key detail of this story to remember that i am not out to anyone in my life except for one friend who is going through the same thing. so i write this entire story and at the end im rushing to finish it and i write about how i am choosing to stay hidden in the closet and not show peole how i really feel. as soon as the lesson was over i completely regretted being so open. the whole thing was done in first person and its so evidentally a real story. o god, i cant bear to face my english teacher again . fuck . im stressing out tht she’ll make us do some peer assessment or some shit but im pretty sure im overthinking it :/ oh well

[thoughtsfrombolton]

dream

i dreamt that i was shot

[thoughtsfrombolton]

gay shit

tb to when pitch perfect had just been released and i went to watch it with my friends and i was all confused and turned on at that bit in the tent when becca and chloe nearly kiss or something. yeah,, that was some gay shit for me right there

[thoughtsfrombolton]

phillips

ah mrs phillips, my english teacher who i either hate or am mega pally with. this week she and i have been friends and she's been fine with me and coming over for conversations non stop. that all took a turn on friday. she was in an awful mood for the lessok that i had with her 4th period and at one point she went on a rant about how she has given up teaching the class. any way , that was over and after school i saw her in her car, i was with imogen and i waved at her. well, phillips waved back but not after a slight eye roll that we then laughed at as she drove off. well she then stopped her car at the corner infront of the bus lanes which were rather busy and beckoned me over. i don't know what i was expecting but i cerntainly wasn't was happened. she gave me a firm talking to about how she doesn't appreciate the laughter and how i shouldn't wave if i can't be nice about it ? very strange and i think she had just had a horrid day. either way , a funny story to tell people.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

19-3-17

today is the day that i met jack, got high and lost some of my innocence. okay so we met in town ( i was half an hour late because of bus times and stuff ). we went down to the tunnels behind victoria halls and had one of the spliffs he had rolled. it hit me more than any of the others i've had and i didn't take i too well. i felt fucked up. as we went to leave the tunnels some foreign guys started talking to us and we ended up sharing two spliffs with them while struggling to get past the language barrier the entire time. then we went back to his on the bus. we watched charlie and the chocolate factory because we thought it would be funny because we were to trippy. i think it was when we were watching this that things got a bit handsy. it was fucking funny when i kindof realised that it was the psychedelic boat scene in the background. we also watched dr strange , mock the week and white chicks. we also went out for another spliff and had pizza. it was a good day.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

jack

mm let’s talk about jack 
we had been in the same classes for years but never really talked until the end of year 10. at declan’s he kissed me a bunch but then i threw up and megan started kissing him. after school on the last day before summer we went to the lake and i kissed him. we met up in the last week of summer and it was nice but nothing happened. then i kindof backed off and we didn’t talk for a while but then we started having general studies where we just talked for an hour each week and we started getting close again. then we went out on valentine’s day and now it’s pretty official that we’re a thing or going out or whatever. he’s very sweet and kind but idk all his friends are just expecting sex and stuff and i’m not sure if that’s what i want.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

diary

haven't written in my book for a long time. think sue read it so i'm considering burning it or something like that. idk maybe throw it into the lake over the railway tracks.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

reubs - the day

i met with jack before reuben's. it was a nice day , we went looking at guitars and got some records from x records it was cute. then we went back to his and watched greys anatomy and kissed a bunch. i got back home thinking i had a half hour to get ready but then charlotte showed up like 20 mins early and i was no where near ready o well , i went anyway and got fucking pissed. i've been forced to come to terms with how much of a light weight i am because i had my head in the toilet before 11. i was fucking messy man. i threw up in his brothers den :///. oh well it was fun. somehow i sobered up before i got in the car and had a p deep conversation with my dad (( until it was interrupted by charlotte throwing up in the back seat )). over decent night but i just need to chill and eat before i drink again. fuck off lydia btw

[thoughtsfrombolton]

reub

crazy wild shady situation w the group chats man. basically reuben puts a big paragraph into the big gc saying that the party is off and that people shouldn't show up tomorrow but then all of a sudden i'm getting new notifs from a new new gc on snapchat with like only 10 people in it saying that this party is still on but only we are invited. shady stuff bro then i was put in an awkward situation where i had to lie to people about it being off because i couldn't tell them about this low low key chat that i'm in.

[thoughtsfrombolton]

spooky town

okay so i've been watching buffy the vampire slayer all night and just some really weird coincidences have happened. like on snapchat christine sydelko put something on her story about it and just now i went on instagram and this meme page has mentioned it in the caption. i'm not stupid but i mean cooome on that's really weird man

[thoughtsfrombolton]

dream 30-1-17

i was with someone but i can't remember who , we were on holiday i think in some hotel. we went to sneak a drink with their fake id or something and when we got to the bar i was gushing to my friend about how cute the bar tender was and commenting on how she looks like miss marwick only to then realise that is was her ! i had to go over to her and jog her memory but when she realised it was me she seemed a bit low-key pissed because she can't get shit faced without risking me seeing it the next day we went swimming ( the fam was here now ) and it was boring because there were no slides. i was marwick again and talked for a bit oh god i'm just remembering now i did something like try to touch my toes in the water or something and my face went right into her fucking chest omfg later i was with the fam walking through the forest and i was going to jump over a river but it was too wide

[thoughtsfrombolton]

soft drugs

i've tried weed but never felt anything. the most i ever got was a spinning head for about 2 seconds and then nothing again. i want to feel something idk. and that's not just the drugs and alcohol. i just want to feel something real in my life right now , i'm closeted and lonely and have some fucked up trust issues that stop me from ever opening up to my friends. o well