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darabokra szaggat a hiányod

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timestack as smoke rolls in

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there hasn't been a concert where i didn't cry lately. at least until Alec Benjamin's one last weekend.

i've been listening to Alec's songs ever since 2019 and I like to brag about it. I've seen him in 2023 as well, but this concert was different.

I've been on my meds for almost 4 months now and there is such a huge difference in my life. i don't know how it all happened, but the worst things - being in a shitty relationship & deciding to end it, losing my job, losing my apartment and getting the ocd diagnosis - changed everything for the better.

i was standing there, enjoying myself, dancing around, singing songs not really feeling any anxiety. it felt like a place i belong to.

although i almost started crying when paper crown started playing.

last time i saw Alec, i had to buy vip tickets because i couldn't stand the thought of being crammed in the crowd. i clearly remember that the last song he played was paper crown and only a couple of us sang it.

that was a moment that changed loads of things in me. i stood up and started singing as loudly as i could hoping that Alec might hear that there are people who know his demos and have loved him for such a long time, supporting everything he does. and even though i didn't realise, that moment changed me for forever.

ever since that song, i've been choosing myself, standing up not only when i saw that others needed my support and love but when i myself were in need. it was a subtle change, it didn't happen overnight.

"and there’s no one to love you when you build your walls too high"

i hated myself, i was constantly battling myself. today, i'm proud of the person i choose to be and love myself to the best of my abilities. and this boy played a huge part i this process. i am really thankful that i found his music on youtube back in the day.🤍

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After years of waiting, nothing came.

Radiohead

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they call me the problem ignorer for reasons that i know but dont feel like addressing right now

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I knew he didn’t love me, but I adored him anyway.

Patti Smith / Just Kids

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Vajon néha neki is eszébe jutok, ahogy Ő nekem..?

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Mindketten veszélyesek voltunk

Úgy másokra, mint magunkra is

Harc volt az életünk minden perce

Mégis megnyugodtunk egymás mellett.

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Mert van olyan fáradtság amit alvással nem lehet kipihenni..