tinatribeca
tinatribeca
In God we trust
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tinatribeca · 4 months ago
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slow kissing
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tinatribeca · 5 months ago
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dd__boon
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tinatribeca · 5 months ago
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tinatribeca · 5 months ago
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Rihanna at the FENTY x PUMA event in Barbados.
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tinatribeca · 5 months ago
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tinatribeca · 5 months ago
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Life Update 3/11/25
12:03am
Life has been very emotionally complex. I am learning that I can feel very deeply. I consider myself to be emotionally mature and in tune with who I am. Emotional maturity means: I am aware of how I am feeling and I am capable of communicating that.
How shocking is it that people passed their twenties are incapable of basic communication. The one thing I can take accountability for is lacking patience. I do not have the patience for people to be within the opposite side of that mindset. You either have the capacity of emotional maturity or don't.
I've met quite a few people within my life that are like this: my step mom being one of them unfortunately. Lately I feel as if she has been holding a very weird grudge against me because she is having issues with my little sister who she lives with.
I am not and refuse to be collateral damage. In my mind I see myself as a separate person regardless of the closeness I have with my little sister. She has not felt the need to communicate her issues but shows how she feels with her passive aggressive actions.
An emotionally mature person would be capable of a conversation.
I cannot control how others feel about me. But I can control myself, my choices and how I choose to move forward.
Which is prioritizing myself.
We have a lot to unpack here.
I went to the Dominican Republic to visit the family mausoleum and pay my respects to my fathers ashes. I now have a key to this space and I am happy to know the space is beautiful. He has a plaque in front of it which I helped put together with my aunts and uncles. It was something I have been wanting to do for some time now... I thought about visiting for a very long time. My step mother also has her issues with this side of the family including my aunt.
Why? Because family drama doesn't disappear just because of a huge loss. In fact, issues within family may be even more apparent. Sadly. That is the truth.
I am mature enough to be cordial, everyone else may not be.
I was fine with taking this flight solo and doing what I saw as necessary. She saw it as an act of disloyalty because she does not speak to one of my aunts.
This aunt gave me the key to the mausolium and payed for my fathers plaque. Knowing their issues I would say one thing, nothing in this world would stop me from being apart of that process.
And that type of pride is not something I will ever choose to agree with.
Anyway.
I feel so much more at ease knowing I spent time in the land I am from: Santiago De Los Caballeros. I visited my grandmothers home, rented my own airbnb simultaneously and explored with my younger cousin via uber and the family taxi guy.
I went clubbing, ate at the local food spots and felt this peace knowing my father would be proud of me. I am very close to being fluent in Spanish. I do need more practice, but in time I will get there.
I spent 7 days there including my birthday. I spent the entire week realizing something.
I'm in too deep with Rocky.
So deep in the friend zone and he does not feel the same way.
He told me "I never saw this romantically I guess" after me losing patience and telling him how I felt.
Our dynamic changed after though: he has increased communication. We talk all the time.
But, I have accepted that well... we're just friends.
He flirts with me and I feel no attachment to it. I see him frequently and he still shows me weird signs of interest.
I trust his words and it reminds me of that movie:
He's just not that into you. Maybe that's all it is. A nice guy that cares a bit too much. I guess it doesn't mean much if he did my math homework while I was in school and I suppose the hour long conversations are really just friendship too.
I guess the good morning texts are also just friendship and well, I guess him telling me everything and vice versa means well...
I'm in a very deep friendship where I have caught feelings that I am actively trying to detach from. I guess men who are just friends with you also may try to fight for you and protect you.
So, I've been living life reminding myself:
Believe what people show you and believe what people tell you. False hope is created by the mind, and so is disappointment. Less expectations means more living in the moment. The man I choose to be with will be an addition to the beautiful life I am creating for myself.
Great things take time. The magic of reciprocated love will show itself some day. For now, I am learning patience.
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tinatribeca · 6 months ago
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always gonna take the scenic route
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tinatribeca · 6 months ago
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tinatribeca · 6 months ago
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Life Update 1/27/25
7:25AM -
Life has been a whirlwind lately.
Let's have a seat. I recently finished school - 98 GPA. I actually need to fill out an application for the union to reimburse me for paying my tuition. But, I don't want to think about career stuff.
I started recording music again, and then stopped. I'm sure I'll be back to it. Time.
It has officially been 1 year since my father passed away. It has been a tough week. I've been drinking a little too much. I think I will be participating in dry February. No alcohol. My body needs a detox.
I met someone. I am 85% sure he might be my end all be all. I just don't think he knows it yet. His actions say he does but I can't be sure. My nickname for him is Rocky.
My bag got stollen one night and the man who stole it returned to the bar. Anyway, Rocky sees the guy who stole my bag and almost fights him. Everything was caught on the bar camera and I ended up getting a detective that night.
Alligator lounge in Williamsburg.
Detective Johnson put a warrant out for this guy that stole my bag recently. There were actually two men involved and both will most likely be arrested soon.
Long story short me and Rocky have been friends for months. At that moment, I realized something.
Why not? Why haven't we ever crossed that line?
We've been spending a lot of time together.
We went out this passed weekend, I hosted an event on Saturday and there was about 50 people. Neuroscience guy shows up. Rocky is aware of how Neuroscience guy hurt me. He also almost fights him. I'm starting to believe that he's a bit protective of me. I know he means well but I don't need a savior. The gesture is nice. But I wish he would just understand that he has nothing to worry about with me.
I'm very big on loyalty. But, we are friends. That line has not been crossed. All we have is touches that linger and moments where we have gotten close but not close enough.
The tension is apparent. But, I refuse to make a physical move.
So I'll wait.
He's Indian. I've never dated an Indian man. But, he believes in Jesus and is Catholic. Hmm.
Guess this is very new for me. I'll be honest. My attraction has never been about looks with him. He's good looking but not at all my type. He's different.
He makes me feel safe.
If I'm drinking at a bar he brings me water without asking.
But the problem is:
We're friends. How much longer can we really be just friends?
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tinatribeca · 9 months ago
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tinatribeca · 9 months ago
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cloe
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tinatribeca · 9 months ago
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Update:
We ended. Neuroscience guy was not the one for me.
I made it clear with him that he was within my friend group and I didn't want to be hooking up with someone that's also okay with hooking up with people within our group. He made it seem like he would never do that.
Well, things got weird. I hate being painted like a possessive jealous person but lets be honest:
When you like someone you don't want to share that person with other people or within a friend group especially.
Loyalty. Not everyone is capable of understanding what that word really means.
I could sense him being distant or emotionally unavailable. Imagine talking to someone every day and feeling them be not emotionally present or open. Something was weird and not the same anymore.
I told him we should end things, be platonic.
3 days later we are out at an event and...
He makes out with someone right in front of me. Someone within my friend group. Someone I'm actually cool with. I saw it all right in front of me.
I've never felt more betrayed in my life.
I had a conversation with the girl he made out with when he stepped away and went to the bathroom. She felt terrible and because I'm extremely private and Lowkey she had no idea. She left the bar immediately.
He returns- people begin leaving the bar little by little and we have a conversation where he apologizes and I tell him I never want to see him again. He needs to leave the group and never return.
He agrees.
So, I am done with dating which I've never admitted or even thought about but I've come to the realization that I don't think right now is my time to be dating or looking for love. Yes, I'm hurt but after a series of disappointments, I realized that maybe all these relationships or situationships aren't working for a reason. Maybe it's because it's just not my time to be dating.
I need to accept that. It's not working for a reason.
Maybe God doesn't want me to be dating. Maybe this time period is supposed to be more about me creating my dream life and becoming a better version of myself. The version of me that will attract better.
Healing. Maybe this time is more about healing.
I really want to focus on myself, move up and navigate my career. I have lost all interest in love. in dating. in meeting someone.
I don't have it in me anymore.
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tinatribeca · 9 months ago
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Life Update 11/10/24
11:42am.
School is kicking my ass right now. I don't even want to talk about this program I'm in. I feel a bit distracted. I'm questioning my decision to enroll. Was it too soon for me to go back to school knowing I'm still grieving? The work, school, social life balance is kicking my ass as well. Often I'm figuring out what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing.
Haha, I wish I was recording.
The program is short I'll delve into that during a time where I feel like really delving into that - it's easier to avoid the thought of my future. Ever feel like you want to talk about everything and nothing at all?
I'll still be thinking about that dream I have.
Of being a musician. Adulting they said. It'll be easy yet complicated.
Is it easy? more so, just complicated.
So why did I enroll? Well, my job will reimburse me. Well, maybe I've been a bit bored with what I'm doing. Maybe the idea of being upper middle class sounds nice. Maybe more money will make things easier.
I cried my first few exams. My thought process was literally what the fuck did I just do.
I passed both exams. I'm just anxious naturally.
What I'm studying I won't discuss cause ugh maybe if I write it down then that leads to acceptance: the acceptance of me being an adult and making adult decisions and adults go back to school? don't they?
Accept it girl, welcome to the big leagues of:
Adulting. Writing it down makes it real? Doesn't it?
Anyway.
I met someone. In person.
I hosted a few events within the last few months. One of them being at a bar in the lower east side. Mixers for people to meet new people. Word of mouth, reddit and boom. 60+ people my first event.
Did it again and changed the date because of food poisoning and second time around it was a lot less people.
I met a guy. He walked in like a comfortable breeze.
You ever meet someone and instantly need to know that person? I felt that gravitational pull instantly. I just want to speak to that guy, I'm not sure why but I need to talk to him- my exact thoughts the moment he left.
Attractive? Yes. My type? Absolutely not. To be the most honest I've ever been, he is the furthest from what I usually go for. He's all brains, like a whole lot smarter than me. White. Hazel eyes. Dark hair. Tan skin and not at all from here.
He's from San Diego and just moved here a year ago.
Has his PHD in neuroscience.
I've always had a thing for smart guys but I never usually go for them. I'm not sure why. I guess with age comes more confidence. Why not?
Somehow I found him online and messaged him. I shot my shot and surprisingly did not get turned down.
My friend hosted an event shortly after. He showed up and we made out the entire night drunkenly.
Before we kissed he said something that really made me think.
He told me I was intimidating and compared talking to me to talking to a celebrity. Then he was all "well not a celebrity because I don't care to meet celebrities..." and staggered along to explain how I was too cool for him. He said it was something about my aura or whatever, how I operate in a room. He stumbled over the words and said something along those lines. Well, it bothered me. May be a compliment to some but not to me. It made me feel like maybe I'm single because I have to be smaller. Less than I am now.
He saw my reaction to what he said and was all "It's a compliment. Its not a bad thing." But I couldn't help but feel otherwise.
We have been texting ever since but guess what:
He's not looking for anything serious. So, here I am once again. Falling but not falling at all. He's a psych professor. He's smart as fuck. I've never been more attracted to someones mind but I've been having the feeling I may need to let him go soon.
Here we go again.
I think not. I learned my lesson the hard way last time. But our lips intertwine like sand and water.
A perfect fit.
Isn't it funny how we text every day but I haven't seen him since.
Isn't it funny how I'm one foot in and one foot out.
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tinatribeca · 10 months ago
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tinatribeca · 10 months ago
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tinatribeca · 10 months ago
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The Situationship Guy Prayer
So 3 weeks ago I made a post about the situationship guy: How he came back into my life and I wasn't sure what would come of it, how of course he wanted to come over but I couldn't allow it because I knew it would hurt me.
I left out some vital information that I never want to forget and decided to write tonight: because something happened prior to us meeting that made me realize how my relationship with God never ceases to amaze me... How for a very long time I've spoken to God and have seen the signs of him listening. But today I decided I need to write this down to remember specifics. I'll share what happened:
The week before my date with situationship guy I said a very specific prayer. I spoke to God and said "God, if this man is not the one for me show me an orange car."
I spent the week walking around Brooklyn/Manhattan and not seeing anything. I started thinking well, I haven't seen the car so maybe it is meant to be. Maybe he came back into my life because it's the right time. Maybe this will become more than what it was before.
The day of the date I went into Manhattan to run some errands. I left the train station and as I walked up the street, I saw it. Driving in my direction was a bright orange car.
I was supposed to see him that night.
I knew I was meeting him later, I had my confirmation. I knew now... This guy is not the one.
Coincidence? I questioned it. Yes, I questioned God after seeing it knowing he waited until the day I was supposed to go on this date to show me an orange car.
I went on the date anyway. Situationship guy told me word for word he wasn't looking for something serious. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I even gave him grace when he didn't care to text me often, or at all. I allowed the inconsistency knowing it was bothering me.
I found myself falling into the same routine I fell in before:
Believing in the potential even though I knew it felt wrong, things weren't the same, I saw the orange car. Something wasn't right. A lot of things were not right.
We spoke on and off, he became distant and one day I decided to text him to ask if we were good. Something along the lines of "hey are we good, haven't really heard from you its been a few weeks"
He replied within a few hours: Yeah we're good how's your day going rah rah, he was picking up where we left off... Knowing the communication just wasn't consistent. Wasn't meeting my expectations. Yet here he was acting like everything was fine.
We dated. We weren't just two people that hooked up. A situationship means we had everything except the titles that come with a relationship. We had everything except the words I love you. But I knew what he was capable of: I knew he was capable of consistency. The bare minimum. Yet, for whatever reason... he wasn't giving me that.
I stared at the text for a while. I left my job in midtown to go on my lunch break and instantly stopped in my tracks.
Parked in front of the building was an orange car.
I never responded to the text. Part of me was spooked. Like, okay God I see it. I hear you. I could feel God saying:
Well, I told you twice. Do you need to see another one?
As much as I was scared, I was also hit with a feeling of awe. God was speaking to me in a way he used to, in a way where I knew deep down lately I wasn't hearing his voice anymore. I felt like I used see him working in my life all the time, especially when I first came to my faith. As I had gotten older I became not so sure. I was living my life wondering what God was trying to tell me. I was confused, I even went back to church thinking: I used to be so much more in tune with my spirit.
This nugget made me realize that maybe God has been trying to reach me but maybe I just haven't been trying to reach him.
A gift. A nod from the highest power.
I realized to pray "If he isn't the one..." is to mean maybe deep down I wasn't sure. God not only gave me confirmation but made me realize, to receive a head nod/signal is a gift.
And I could never take that lightly.
So I never replied to the text, I never will.
And, life goes on.
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