todayagain

[todayagain]

bottled

You mutter under your breath — do you want me to hear you or not? Better would be to say it outright to my face, instead you choose to rouse hate cowardly, leaving me with pins and no room for defense.

Why do you utter your despise against someone when they are not in the room? If you want better, voice your opinions directly. Instead you leave me to hear your discontent, as if it's a secret warning to me, as if I should make up for their faults. Dissatisfaction plagues your heart, but rather than searching for medicine you let it seethe, boiling over and into my conscience.

[todayagain]

Ice Cold Water

Ice cold water.  I love my Ice Cold Water. Fridge cold, more accurately.  It’s a little piece of my life Before, and I am glad I get to keep it.  Sometimes, when I Remember, the Ice Cold Water takes me Back. 

Back to when nights were alone and unscheduled, Ice Cold Water in my Big Purple Waterbottle,  Drinking down as I stare at my monitor, Do some work, watch some YouTube.

Back to when my stress was  - my acne - the school I have To Do  - the increasing speed of perceived time  - being a good friend - being a good person - my deteriorating sense of self (Who am I?)  - my future (Who do I want to be?) - my work ethic (Why am I like this?)  - myself 

Now I drink my Ice Cold Water  More often in this black thermos mug  —  easier to clean and I am not on-the-go as much as Before, so the lid is negligible. I still stare at my monitor sometimes, Do some work, watch some YouTube.  I don’t want to explain what else, so I’ll leave it at Ice Cold Water.

[todayagain]

Hold

[todayagain]

i can sense the anxiety as you talk

[todayagain]

because i can't explain myself and i don't want to. how do i explain the way that i am? why don't i ever seem put together? why do i never have my assignments done? why do i just seem dumb? i don't really know how to say that i couldn't get myself to do it. maybe i didn't want to do it because i am dumb. maybe other people are not battling themselves everyday, or maybe they are simply much better fighters than i have. no persistence and no grip. i let the people leave me because why would they stay once i explain, and why would they stay if i don't.

[todayagain]

I dream every night with my jaws locked I lose teeth I lose hair I lose limbs And I am running, chased by my dreams

[todayagain]

outgrown

Do you ever get afraid that your friend has outgrown you? That one day she will wake up and realize you add nothing to her life. No goodbye, but less contact... less and less until she becomes a friend of the past. That it was intentional — this lack of contact — because she didn't want to confront you to say she no longer wanted you so close in her life. She moves on, growing evermore into a beautiful person, surrounded by intentional people who give meaningful advice and genuine support. You are so funny, she said. But maybe she doesn't need funny anymore. Many people are funny, and many people are funny and kind. Funny and kind and inspiring and reliable and honest and spiritual. I don't think she really needs me in any shape or form. Yet I am encouraged every time I glance into her life. She seems so far now. Almost not relatable, but someone I watch on the screen. She's becoming herself while I know less and less each day about who I am. Please tell me this is something I will outgrow, too. Please let me catch up to you.

[todayagain]

I will kill myself because of these damn fruit flies. I leave out my banana for a day too long and now these damn flies will not leave me alone. I kill four and three more spawn the next day. I have cleaned my kitchen, I have taken out the garbage, I have wiped up and down with alcohol wipes. Still they infest my room and swing by my face, buzz in my ear and crawl on my skin. God, I left it out for one extra day and I am tormented forever.

[todayagain]

3:22 on a friday morning

tik tik tik

tik tika tik

time goes on

i stay the same

tik tik tik

[todayagain]

"How have you been?"

I hesitate when someone asks, because I have been struggling with how to answer this question. It’s a simple one, they are probably just asking as a formality. But sometimes, they add, “How have you been, really? It’s been so long since I saw you.” Like an invitation to tell them the truth. I don’t. “Oh, you know, I’m alright.” How can I tell them how I have been when we are just standing by the cashier, meeting in passing. Soon we will say our goodbyes, and we won’t meet again until the next time we walk by, again a coincidence. And if I did, explain what, I don’t know either. I have been feeling a bit all over the place, but I couldn’t describe it, and I haven’t tried. It’s not a huge deal probably, this feeling too might pass.