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a little life by hanya yanagihara een klein leven by ivo van hove

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david’s room

i saw a small request by @feingeister for a talk on david’s room and like, i couldn’t resist. i’ve talked about food before so a room isn’t that weird. right?

in any case, the first thing i’d like to mention is that david’s room? it is humongous. 

matteo is in the front but look at how far away david’s study/art corner is. what i like about this particular shot is that it already indicates a few things; david likes earthy tones in his room and david likes Big Things (like big windows and big lamps) and industrial objects are a thing (see that big lamp on the left). i also see a big painting (?) on his wall and i wonder if it’s something david made himself - the other drawings in his room seem to be, but they’ve always been small. so maybe he’s been experimenting in his art too!

next up is the next shot, and honestly - a pretty vague, but what i do appreciate is the beaded detail and the plants. plants pop up in both matteo and david’s rooms (imagine them discussing growing plants together) but david appreciates the flair of a Big Plant. 

now this shot though: it assembles everything together in what david’s room is, for me. he hasn’t touched his walls at all, there’s no real paint and there’s cracks in it, but i do think david made the conscience decision not to tinker with it. he probably can’t afford to in any case but also - he’s nifty. he takes stuff from outside and brings it in; as is the case with what seems to be the iron fence in this shot; he must’ve cleaned it and decided to use it as a decoration for a wall. he once again uses his love of plants and his arts, something that is clearly very personal to him. he makes the room feel lived in - the room itself is breaking apart but the stuff in it is very significant to him as a person and i think he’s got a story for every thing he brought in. 

no artist’s room is complete with an Artist Table with Artsy Stuff. once again, his love for industrial and earthy colours shine through. perhaps the only things he actually spent money on although i suppose a lot of things in here can also be seen as something he took from the outside! his table is in front of the window too (whereas matteo’s table is kind of randomly in the middle of his room); it gives him natural lighting to use when drawing i suppose; and maybe immediate inspiration too. as we might see in the next shot. 

another shot of his art. this is david probably being one of those artists who go outside to walk around, pick a spot, and start drawing. he’s only got three drawings on it as of yet, but it seems like this is gonna be his Drawings Wall. these don’t necessarily seem to be sketches either; he even used more colour than he did before matteo came into his life. 

neither of david’s bedding covers seem to be very Ikea-esque (like what Most People would have); so he’s got an eye for special bedding. especially the left one is something i can see being gifted to david by someone in his family, or maybe his godmother. once again, the earthy colours, but then there’s blue too! interestingly enough, you’d maybe see this as something that clashes but it’s the industrial colours (blue/greyish) mixing with the earthy colours, with patterns. and it turns out: matches quite well! (like a metaphor for david and matteo i suppose lol). 

okay so finally my true thoughts come out: how fucking enormous is david’s bed? it looks like it can fit five people in there. i don’t know why he’d hang out in matteo’s room all the time when he has this Bed for Giants with Four Pillows to use. how Lavishly Big. the ok.cool squad would want a sleepover party. but i digress. apparently both matteo and david got hot bc the white sheet they use the night before is No More. i want to call your attention to david’s side though; it seems like he’s got a picture there - it’s pretty impossible to see what’s on it but maybe a picture of himself? also, once again; david does something nifty! his bedside table is actually a sound box. can you imagine him finding this outside, cleaning it up, and repurposing it like this? 

that’s what makes david’s room what it is. his room actually indicates something about him that he himself might have never thought about himself: even though he feels like running and he never might be able to find a place that he can call home - he’s actually pretty adept into making a room, a space, a home from a room that on the surface looks like it needs a lot of patchwork into a space that is intrinsically him. it’s not what the room is, it’s what he brings into it that makes it a home. it’s not without reason that we finally saw his room when he really allowed matteo in. matteo is part of that too. 

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- “and you’re not some fucked up vampire who needs to hide from society or something like that. okay? that’s not who you are.”

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— anaïs nin, from “delta of venus”.

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does it feel a little quick for them to say i love you? i feel like matteo and david have barely had any time together. i don't know...

you know, people have a set mind about when people should or can feel that amount of love for someone so on the one hand i don’t disagree with you but also don’t agree!

i feel you have to look at this in the context of the bigger picture: matteo fell really hard for david in the beginning of the season. matteo is an introvert. he doesn’t find a lot of people that he feels he can match with or who can understand him on a more intimate level (even jonas is a little out of sync sometimes!). but during the friday clips of ep 2 and 3 you can see matteo 1. find someone he really vibes with and have pretty intellectually matched conversations with (someone he talks with, talking.. not something he’s used to) and 2. someone who seems to instinctively know how to deal with him when he’s having a panic attack/when he’s feeling out of order. someone who stayed just to see how he was doing, who talked calmly with him. it’s what matteo needs the most in someone he’s in a relationship with - he even mentions it as “he understands me and we have a wonderful time when we’re together’. that’s why he latches on so quickly to david - and david makes him challenge himself too! david pokes to make matteo talk, and then..because matteo trusts the bond he has with david deeply, matteo feels relaxed enough to talk about it. and this was all before he realised that he’s been self-medicating himself with drugs. david pushed him in the right direction, into someone he wants to be. matteo feels so loved by him. and of course, they have spent some time apart (sometimes by force, sometimes by choice). but during the week matteo took after david came out to him, it wasn’t only david’s coming out as trans but also him realising david means supermuch to him that made him take a while to gather his thoughts. he feels good and like himself with david. i can understand why matteo feels that way already and knew that david needed to know that he’s loved. 

bc david is in a pretty fragile place too. he’s been so convinced that no one’s in his corner and he’s been so traumatised by the experience at his old school that he’s put up a huge defensive wall of needing no one. it’s okay to be alone bc david forces himself to be okay with it. and at that point running, not showing your true self to people, hiding away become coping mechanisms that can become toxic. there’s really nothing against david protecting himself from unsafe situations, but he isolates himself completely and puts himself in even more dangerous situations (squatting in an abandoned pool building, honey.. please….). david’s story is about it being okay to protect yourself but to seek support as well. it’s not strange he’s been so overwhelmed and only sees potential hateful comments and looks, really not. but at least don’t isolate and talk to other people about it, let them help you. matteo is a little mad at david at the beginning of the love clip bc matteo wants david to know he could’ve come to him at any time; that he’s got a good place, a good bed. somewhere to be safe. it’s not something that fixes all the trauma david’s been experiencing, not completely, but at least it’s a space where david can gather his thoughts and be safe. where he can reach out to someone who loves and supports him. and i think it’s pretty important for david to hear that people, outside of laura and his godmother who are presumably family members, will be there for them if he needs them. matteo didn’t say he can fix other people saying hateful stuff, but he’s gonna weather the storm with and supporting david through it if david needs him too. matteo picks through david’s defensive wall; bc david feels as comfortable sharing himself with matteo as is the case vice versa. remember that david showed his sketchbook really early on to matteo, which i’d say is a pretty intimate object, and matteo kept complimenting him and saying david had talent. for someone forcing himself to be okay to be alone, he really trusts matteo a lot. he trusts him enough to come out to him, he trusts his bond with matteo enough for matteo to take his time gathering his thoughts, he trusts matteo enough to let him subtly know where he is, bc i think, in his truth; david didn’t want to be alone at all. deeply, privately, he wanted someone to turn up and he trusts matteo enough to do so. so when matteo tells him he loves him (something he needs to hear), david trusts matteo. and tells him he loves him back. 

clearly, a theme in druck’s season 3 was absence makes the heart grow fonder - by being away from each other (a choice i don’t necessarily agree with but it is what it is) david and matteo each got to think about what the other means to them, so it’s easier for them to tell each other now. 

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Summary:

you ask him whether he needs some help;

his mouth says no. i can do this on my own.

his eyes scream yes.

– a sister’s perspective on david and matteo.

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- is being alone really so bad?  - yes. 

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@toneelspeler is no more, @toneelspeelster is where it’s at. 

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i am going for a swim. 

eliott demaury + virginia woolf. 

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From today on you are study buddies.

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let’s not talk about it.

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@toneelspeler is no more, @toneelspeelster is where it’s at. 

[toneelspeler]

@toneelspeler is no more, @toneelspeelster is where it’s at. 

[toneelspeler]

@toneelspeler is no more, @toneelspeelster is where it’s at. 

[toneelspeler]

have u tried the thing where tumblr sends you a link to log in via? to ur email. and then u dont need to enter the password. unless they removed that function?

Problem is that its connected to an old email account of mine that i somehow also can't get into. And if i wanna change my email they need my password. It's a vicious cycle i can't get out of lol.

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live, as i should have lived. 

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oops i got a new laptop but can't remember my tumblr password shit 🙃