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when you accidently beat off for the fourth time in one day

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If you are so committed to being perfectly lawful that you cannot see the value of breaking a law to defend yourself or others, you’re not good, you’re obedient.

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big dumbass energy

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Borderline Jealousy (based on my own experience)

It grips me by the throat, clutching my body, suffocating me with its words whispering into my ear like a manipulative demon. I see him, across the room, talking with a girl. My mind whirls and the helplessness creeps into me like a sudden, crashing wave that leaves me struggling and fighting for breath. 

My legs feel frozen, the tears well in my eyes, I will myself to not get caught up with the irrational thoughts, but they push their way into my mind without my consent and the ugliness takes control. My mind races and the intense jealously comes to me and knocks me off my feet. The panic rises and overcomes me as I feel you slipping from my fingertips. 

He shouldn’t be talking to her, why is he talking to her? Why does he seem so happy? Does she make him happy? He’s abandoning me. He’s leaving, he loves her, not me. I am nothing, I have lost him. He is gone, I might as well fade away and never talk to him again. He has found somebody else.

My lip trembles and he’s suddenly so far away as I stand there, my confidence fading, my anger rising, as my eyes glue themselves onto the image of the two of you laughing and chatting. My chest feels tight and there’s a hollow emptiness that won’t go away. It feels as if there’s never been a light in my life; only darkness and sorrow. The feeling overtakes me and it’s like it’s been there all along, and nothing else. It’s physically painful and my body aches.

The jealously mixes with anger and suddenly it’s a terrible storm, and I tell myself that you don’t need me.

I hate him. Fuck him.  

My back turns and it’s suddenly clear, you’ve found somebody else and I must be out of the picture now. It’s over and I’ve lost you, so soon, so suddenly. My heart is breaking as I walk away with anger and intense despondency weighing down on my soul like a hammer, pounding away and kicking me down.

Then, by some miracle, you walk over and talk to me, filling my heart with happiness and joy. The girl is now walking away, gone from your side. A smile grows across my lips and the light is suddenly back.

He loves me, he hasn’t abandoned me. I need him so much. I’ve never been upset in my life; how could I doubt him? I love him so much.

You’ve carved yourself into my soul again and suddenly, the event that just happened, is gone from my mind as I crawl back to you. The jealousy fades away, it came and went so quickly, I feel foolish for thinking those things, he obviously likes me, not her.

He’s not talking to her at this moment, so he must not care about her. Once more, I feel as if I’ve found my home, but I pessimistically wait for the cycle to start again, when I become intensely jealous over something that’s nothing, and feel distressed and suicidal all over again. A terrible and vicious cycle, which destroys me, and consumes me with guilt, shame and sadness.

A cycle and feeling that causes all the hope to leave my life, and makes me believe that my favorite person doesn’t need or love me, and that I am going to be replaced.

An internal nightmare, that replays itself every-day, that causes me to lose my sanity every time it creeps along and shatters me to pieces.

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Me: I suck, no one deserves this mess

Me, maybe an hour later: lol y'all suck, no one deserves this goddess

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I really wish I started utilizing this blog for my BPD a lot sooner. I've felt like I've had little to no outlets or anyone/anything to relate to, but this connects me to people with similar experiences as well as more resources and it just feels really nice and validating

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I’m one of the most emotional unemotional people you will ever meet

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Lilac Skies

The evening breeze swiftly dances around the rooftops as the floral scent of night approaches. My mind cannot switch off and I wonder why I exsist, why the cells, the nerves, flesh, blood, soul of me formed the way they did. I wonder who I am.

I wonder who I was, am and will be, and I could ponder forever the complicated network of thoughts, emotions, feelings, ideas, creations, visions, concepts, opinions, impressions, perceptions, views, assumptions, presumptions ,hypothesis, theories, suppositions, understandings and suspicions.

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Been wanting to split. Chronic self emptiness kicking in. Angry at the world so I took myself to Barnes and Nobles. Getting sick of being this way so decided to do some reading on it. Don’t feel any better but at least I’m gonna leave being more intelligent on the subject I fight with every. Fucking. Day. Trying hard to remember my mindfulness exercises. But it gets so hard. My brain hurts so bad, mind foggy. I can’t see or think clear. I’m so out of reach from my own self. This is where it gets so hard. Like I’m fighting a war I never got to prepare for. Anyway Found some bits I wanted to share with you guys.

- 🐍

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I’m here for borderlines who aren’t being abandoned but still act out because they can’t see the signs that their fp is staying.

I’m here for borderlines who were abusive and are trying their hardest to be better, even if they struggle.

I’m here for borderlines who are being abused but can’t see the signs because it’s “all in their head”

I’m here for borderlines that over think as soon as their fp does something that isn’t routine and freak out.

I’m here for borderlines that threaten suicide not because they want to manipulate but because they genuinely believe that they are about to kill themselves,because the oain is too much.

I’m here for borderlines that have psychotic episodes.

I’m here for borderlines that cry because they are expected to become serial killers.

I’m here for borderlines who can’t talk themselves out of thoughts like “my fp,wants me to kill myself” and “my fp pretends to like me so they don’t get blood on their hands.”

I’m here for borderlines with comorbid disorders.

I’m here for borderlines that get horrible dissociation episodes and are called stupid because of it.

I’m here for borderlines that switch on their depressed fp and hate them - but still helo by handing over recourses.

I’m here for borderlines that don’t have the right diagnosis, or aren’t listened to by parents or therapists.

I’m here for borderlines who can’t be diagnosed right because they had to lie about symptoms like self harming and apathy in order to survive.

I’m here for borderlines with rage issues that take it out on themselves instead of hurting anyone.

I’m here for all borderlines, because I am one of you, and you all deserve the support and help some of us can never get. There is hope.

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loved one: sorry, i can’t hang out! i have plans with other people 

my hellbrain’s instincts: wow you love them more tha- 

me, ignoring her and working on being a better person: that’s okay! i hope you have fun! can we hang out some other time?

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my abandonment issues: how do u know he isn’t lying me: cos i trust him my trust issues: ya im on abandonment issues side me, looking out of my mortal body: i hate this fucking family

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Some Days: FP is a God among mere humans and I am just a peasant, I am forever in debt to them

0ther Days: I am a God among mere humans and FP is just a peasant, they are forever in debt to me

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a Big Mood™ so Big it’ll Crush You™ and Push Away Your Loved 0nes™

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I feel like i've acted like such a piece of shit and I wouldn't blame you if you left. I'm sorry i'm pushing you away.

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concept: i can actually handle being angry instead of constantly being angrily suicidal