tosimplybe - Tumblr blog

[tosimplybe]

idk who needs to hear this rn but suffering is not noble. take the tylenol

[tosimplybe]

Having a breakdown over this stupid old forum from 2010 <33

Maybe I’ll never be allowed to be normal. If this is true I’m so scared.

Please god I just want to be able to eat what I want normally. Please :(

[tosimplybe]

My current daily routine:

Wake up late and bloated. Ignore any texts.

Distract myself by walking through the same shops until about 2pm.

Drink a sugar free slurpee and eat some mushrooms from a supermarket.

3pm: Eat an entire jar of baby pickles. The rest of my day is dedicated to mindless and purposeless social media scrolling that makes me feel disgusting and slimy

6pm: begin my nightly binge eating routine.

7pm: eat approximately 1200 calories in yoghurt, hot chocolate powder, milk, chicken and fish, apples and ice cream.

10pm: lay in intense stomach pain and nausea trying to breathe

11pm: stay as still as possible to stop myself from feeling as sick and wait to sleep.

[tosimplybe]

Hello universe.

On my winter break. I’ve been working with my doctor and I’m starting an outpatient program soon.

I’m gaining weight and I want to tear my skin off.

I know it’s probably the whole jar of pickles I had yesterday and the workout I did but I’ve gained 2kg in the past week.

It makes me want to absolutely DIE!!!!!!! I want to get better but the thought of these fat cells swelling on my body and clinging to my organs terrifies me to no end.

I shouldn’t be gaining weight on the amount I’m eating. I feel like I shouldn’t be eating. Maybe I’ve broken my metabolism beyond repair.

I’m so sick of this!!!!!!!

[tosimplybe]

Got blood tests back. My liver is failing and they want to send me to the ER.

I am lying about eating more. What the fuck is wrong with me???

[tosimplybe]

My parents are making me drink mass gainer…

Good thing I am don’t live at home anymore and shall not be touching the stuff with a 10 foot pole!

[tosimplybe]

[tosimplybe]

No one talks about how fucking BORING having an eating disorder is

Like for the first year or so everything feels almost new and exciting and mysterious - like you have some secret mission that you have to achieve.

And then suddenly it just becomes habit.

Not eating until a certain time or avoiding foods stops giving that thrill. It just becomes something that’s required of you to make a day even passable.

Your disorder eats away at you. It asks for more and more until there’s nothing left to give it.

I am a shell of a human. I spend my time between meals in a haze, longing for the hours I am allowed to eat yet hating the eating and the crushing guilt that follows.

Once I have eaten for the day I have no purpose. I cannot think before or after meals. I have to will to do anything, even what I once enjoyed. I have no hobbies, no focus, no friends and have to force myself to drag my brain from thoughts of food in order to do the bare minimum to scrape by.

I am a husk of what I used to be. I just want to enjoy things again. I want to go out with my family, I want to hug my mum, I want to sit on the couch and watch tv with my friends, I want to study and read and create artwork and run in a field and climb a tree. I don’t know how to stop.

[tosimplybe]

He heee

BMI 14.1

I’m so fucking!!!! Scared!!!!

My feet hurt :( my head hurts :(

[tosimplybe]

My BMI is now in the 14s.

I’m so scared. I can’t think at all during the day. I desperately want to be healthy again but so many foods disgust me and I disgust myself whenever I eat too much.

Woo hoo

[tosimplybe]

Hey my friends. Long time no see.

Life update: I’m going to a fully catered University college next week. Five meals a day. I am more disordered than I have ever been.

Dunno how I’m gonna survive that. Oh well!

Other updates: I’m obsessed with eating dog treats, addicted to vyvanse and can’t really walk without feeling like I’m about to collapse

Woo hoo!

[tosimplybe]

I also always forget that they genuinely believe that I’m eating all the stuff I do On Top Of normal meals.

Like my father went “they’re gonna get such a shock at uni next year when they realise how much they’re eating” like mate. I know my stupid disordered food is expensive but you guys are going through three meals a day plus snacks I don’t EAT

Last night I could hear my parents talking and it was like. An hour long rant about me.

They were picking apart every tiny thing I do and how annoying it is and how self centred I am and I don’t know what to do.

The worst part about it is that for 99% of it they were completely correct. I’m so self absorbed and high maintenance and such a burden on them.

[tosimplybe]

Some of it was funny in an awful way though.

Like “oh my god it’s just hot drink after hot drink can they get out of the kitchen it’s such a waste of food and so greedy” was obviously about the point where I couldn’t bring myself to eat any solid food so I was literally forcing myself to drink protein powder in warm water to not pass out

Last night I could hear my parents talking and it was like. An hour long rant about me.

They were picking apart every tiny thing I do and how annoying it is and how self centred I am and I don’t know what to do.

The worst part about it is that for 99% of it they were completely correct. I’m so self absorbed and high maintenance and such a burden on them.

[tosimplybe]

Last night I could hear my parents talking and it was like. An hour long rant about me.

They were picking apart every tiny thing I do and how annoying it is and how self centred I am and I don’t know what to do.

The worst part about it is that for 99% of it they were completely correct. I’m so self absorbed and high maintenance and such a burden on them.

[tosimplybe]

When I first started all of this I saw so many posts like “I want my friends to be worried I’m so skinny 🥰” but I have never reached that and I don’t think I will.

I’m talking a friend through their partner having an eating disorder and they’re so worried and care about them so much and it hurts that nobody is ever going to care that much about me. I know that’s such a disgusting and selfish thought in this situation but I can’t help it.

I don’t know what I am doing wrong to never have close relationships?? Like if I did some sin in a past life or something it must have been Bad.

Its been years and still no one cares. I think I need to accept that nobody is going to notice until this either kills me or I recover by myself.

Maybe they want me gone?

[tosimplybe]

Oh my god someone I know in real life has an ED Twitter account.

It’s such a weird thought that there’s other people out there just… roaming around… and I’ll never actually know.

(This is awful but she’s like the thinnest person I know and now I know her weight and height and it’s kind of fascinating in a sick way)

[tosimplybe]

Alright I’m back again here’s some things that have happened lately

I’m back to my hobby of not eating until 4pm then eating like half a lasagne

My tummy hurts :/ I’m bloated all the time idk why (yes I do see point 1)

I lied to my paediatrician and said I was 10kgs heavier than I am. She was still concerned about “sudden weight loss”. Haha.

I’m flipping between like 100 and 700 calories with no warning for my poor digestive system

Studying for final exams and having quite a bad time

Started randomly being unable to think, losing feeling in my arms, having my ears ring loud, losing vision and shaking uncontrollably. I think this is pretty close to passing out. Feels like I’m dying whenever it happened

At school the other day I stood up too quick and my ankles gave out and I ended up on the floor and wasn’t able to get up for like 3 minutes. Thankfully I was alone because after school hours but it was so embarrassing

I love gum and sf hot chocolate a lot