trappedbeautyunleashed

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

She is broken beauty

She is lost and found

She is a flawed mess

She is a million fake smiles

And a heartfelt caress

She is ice in the dessert

She is work and play

She is a hundred colors

In the shade of hurt

She’s the warmth of summer

In the middle of fall

She’s forget me nots

In a waterfall

She’s a black dress

In the jeans section

She’s 35 and she’s done wishing she was society’s idea of perfection

She’s a real woman

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

I have this strange feeling that I'm not myself anymore and I’m scared I’ll never find her… I’ve been in such a bad mental space that I can’t even explain it, it’s so exhausting just to wake up and go through the days motions but I'm used to it, and how bad it is, and how often it's so bad that it rings like a bell inside of me, drowning out everything around me. The truth is that I get frustrated with myself about it again and again but i can’t fix it ….I take meds but I’m still like this still? Again? It's not that I feel weak, precisely. It's just this sense almost like - I've already been pushing against this Demon for years now, shouldn't I have gained more ground? I get frustrated because I'm sick of picking up the loose ends and I get frustrated because it's always this same shit, same problem - I lose myself in a matter of months and spiral out of control, lose touch with friends and loved ones. I stop taking care of myself and therapy gets harder to the point I want to avoid it and I let everything around me wilt and shrivel and fall off.somehow I start both sleeping too much and not enough. I get panic-attacks just from simple tasks …just the other day I was having one and literally bawling in my car in the parking lot of DG pulling my hair out and hurting my ribs from sobbing so hard - and later, when I'm better, I'm embarrassed because how could I let it get that far?!?It feels like I already have done this so many times. Isn't there a way out of it? Isn't there a point where I've just... finally won? that it never happens again, that I just get to be done? maybe this is weakness that I often feel but comes to a point where I am used to it so I forget exactly how hard it gets. Do you even know how many times I’ve laid in bed, exhausted, blank and numb and try to drown out the thoughts with music as I lay there crying out to God- I can't anymore. I just can't. Im not even really upset just broken and lost…”It's okay” I hear but in that moment all I feel is that I’ve been here long enough. so much of my life was beautiful until the darkness took over .... I'm just... done. Do you know how many times I wake up and I say -I can't and put my feet on the floor and said I can't, I don't want to and literally forced myself to get up and take a shower, feed and dress my kid but it’s just to much work to make my own so I just don’t won’t eat that day. I put a nice playlist on and try to dance it out but I really can't and it sucks because then the thoughts start suffocating me there is no end to this and I go to my appointment and I called a friend just to get no answer,I made myself coffee even if everything tasted like ashes and decided that I really should wait for the new album from that artist I love and i thought I can't, it's not worth it and then I washed my hands and dye my hair,drank more water and wrote some gibberish,signed up for some fancy Mom group that I’ll never really attend because by the time it comes around my mind and body say I just can't, i try to fight back like I’m at war…I can't, I won't do this again, and I paid my rent but haven’t vacuumed or sweapt all week but still made myself eat something fresh and healthy even if it meant overdrawing my account on a stupid bag of carrots just because they looked delicious and do you know how often I closed my eyes and thought this is it I really fucking can't anymore seriously something has to give and I have nothing left that this “illness” can take but then I force my eyes closed till I finally drift to sleep and morning comes and I wake up and realize I survived another day anyway.

#keepgoing #mystoryisntoveryet #mentalhealthisreal #dontsufferinsilence

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

People have reached out and asked me what Mania and depression feels like for someone with bipolar. I can’t speak for anyone else but for me it is intrusive thoughts, crying A LOT, tons of anxiety, absolutely no energy, loss of interest in everything, have to force myself to get out of bed and to shower, easily agitated , no appetite, and feeling extremely worthless. I am sure it could be different for others. Bipolar is not a box where you fit it you don’t it’s much more complicated than that.

As for mania, well Mania is so complicated….I feel like when I am manic, everybody sees it as me getting things done and being productive, but what they don’t see is, im not taking care of myself. I’m spending money on things I normally would not.they don’t realize I’m not eating….i’m not drinking water. I am skipping or canceling appointments. I’m usually not taking my meds, I talk so much it’s embarrassing and then I’ll crash and when I wake up I’m stuck picking up all the pieces, and sometimes things can’t be fixed.

Mania is not fun ok? Mania isn’t good. Mania is dangerous.

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

Preaching to the choir here, but I keep things pretty closed off about this in real life …. Having bipolar is a trip. To go from conquering the world one day, to forcing yourself just to do things like showering or eating.

Here lately, it’s not a quick turnaround for me. Weeks or months of feeling balanced, maybe some mania but nothing crazy. Then it turns and I’m a downer for days or maybe even weeks. Hopelessness and worthlessness is all I feel…But I’m a Mom and I just will myself to keep going. I feel fortunate to at least be able to do that.

Just put one foot in front of the other the best that you can and keep going. Inch by inch. Crawl if you have to ♥️

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

Here I am for probably the twentieth time starting over. Not just with my blog but in my own personal life. Ive deleted every post, every misspelled word, every mumbled “poem” My brain is processing things heavy for the first time in my life and I feel personally like I’m writing on levels I never thought was possible. My secret dream has always been to write beautiful words until my hands hurt. Jotting down things I call poetry that you may or may not relate to but hopefully can appreciate.This could become a thing where I get recongnition or it may become no one knows these writings of mine exist. My goal is to write and share and if there is even one individual who stumbles upon the words I post and feels or just appreciates it that’s all I ask. I have spent to much time hiding and suffering alone in silence so I’ve had thousands of words locked away in my phone and now is the time to finally share with anyone because I was told during an NA meeting tonight “Your words that you hide , might just save a life” and with recent tragedy in my life I felt that to my core so here I am choosing to brave so that anyone who also suffers knows they are not alone and I am always one message away ♥️🙏

[trappedbeautyunleashed]

I have been in an ultimate low the past week, I decided to try and write through it.

There's a darkness that grows with each passing day, no matter the sun or touch…it grows. It oozes and slides into all the cracks inside me…It laughs as it taunts me from the shadows. I can never fully grab it, it oozes through my fingers. I turn to find it, the slimy black ooze it swallows me whole. I can see everything I can hear it I try to scream but it covers my mouth. I try to break free I twist I turn I kick. I see yelling I see hurt I can't make it stop it crushes my bones, the blood runs thick. I can't move I try screaming but it's quiet I see tears I see anger . I can't do anything, the blackness is rough & burns my skin like I’m on fire It's poison. It hurts. I hurt, I burn, I can't breathe. It's becoming too strong. It's too heavy. I won't see anymore. I close my eyes. I am tired so tired. I hurt I burn I can't breathe. It's too much. I start to whimper. It's complete black in here. I can't escape. I can't beat this. It's all just too much. It hurts, it burns. I hear a whisper inside. I hear another. It sounds familiar it sounds strong. I hear it again. I hear "mommy". I stop crying. I hurt but I open my eyes. I hear him I hear "mommy". I hear light. I hear warmth. I hear him …I look up. I see the light. I need that light. It's warm. I hear them both.I hear love. I fight for them…they need me…I twist I turn. It starts to let go. I break free. I run for the light I run to the warm. The black ooze is hiding. Seeping in. It waits. It watches. It whispers. It stands in the shadows. It waits.