trauma-express

[trauma-express]

[trauma-express]

Two months ago I wanted to comment on trauma-express' excellent post about the more or less one-way emotional support dynamic between Grace and Simon, but then I realised that it wasn't polite to hijack a post, and that I had far too much to say about these two idiots. And by the time I decided to make my own post, the thing had turned into a fucking essay. Then the essay developed branches and turned into a mini-thesis on the main characters of Book 3. At this point the thing is like 20 pages long, so I’m going to divide it between several posts because it’s going to be unreadable otherwise. I don't know when I'll post the other parts. but yeah

So here's a part I'd like to call

On the nature of leadership

Grace and Simon have fundamentally different ways of seeing what it means to "be the leader", and each is, in my opinion, a direct consequence of their stubbornness in developing their toxic traits and defining themselves by their problems rather than solving them. And each is also visible very early on in Book 3, way before everything starts going completely awry

Grace obviously cares about all these lost children. But given her behaviour in Book 2 and throughout the first episode of Book 3, I think her central problem, this lack of affection and recognition that makes her do anything to get attention, has led her to conflate "attention" with "affection". For her, being the leader means being admired, being the centre of attention, having total control over other people, and never, ever being neglected.

To be admired, and therefore in her logic, loved, she quickly discovered that the easiest way was to lie, consciously or not, so as to appear to always know what she was doing, and to always look like the one who is right and who knows how things work. She built an entire cult out of it, and it seems to be almost by accident! It was simply the most effective way to get attention, to be surrounded by a lot of people, and to have total control over them.

It clearly puts a massive amount of pressure on her. It’s no coincidence if that golden mask is a recurring motif with her - she’s constantly trying to keep the illusion intact, and in turn, it prevents her from examining her own issues too closely. We literally know her by that mask before we even know her face or her name in Book 2. It defines her, and it defines her vision of what she has to do as a leader.

And we see in episode 4 that it makes it really hard for her to talk about how she really feels, because she’s afraid people won’t see her as the leader anymore, and by her own logic, neglect her. She's genuinely scared to show any kind of vulnerability, even for only a couple of minutes, and even if it's only to her best friend. It breaks my heart

By contrast, among the Apex, Simon is clearly less popular than Grace, judging by Lucy's attitude in episode 1. I'm under the impression they go to Grace first when they have a question or need something, and don't interact directly with Simon that much. He's not interested in being admired.

Instead, he clearly has an interest in anything resembling rule systems (he quotes protocols regularly and episode 2 implies that he writes a lot of them) and pseudo-militaristic structures - he too wants to feel like he's in control of everything, but in a very different way. He wants to follow the rules, and he wants to be right because he's following them.

My guess is that his central problem, this need to be right all the time, was fully validated when Grace was the leader, so he didn't actively want to take her place. For him, the leader is the one who is always right, and who doesn't break the rules. And she was exactly that person for him, so he didn’t mind her being the boss – if anything, he liked it because he didn’t have to make choices, something that clearly stresses him out.

When you're insecure and under the impression (regardless of it being correct or not) that you're in perpetual survival mode, following strict rules and having someone else who calls the shots for you according to the same rules feels really safe. It feels validating, too. I've been there. I mean just look at his stupid smirk whenever Grace confirms he's right about something

So basically in one corner we have someone who thinks being a leader is being admired, and who does that by pretending she knows how everything works and that she's always right - and in the other corner, we have someone who thinks being a leader is, in fact, being always right, and who admires anyone who he perceives to be like that.

The thing is, because they both seek validation in these two completely complementary ways, they created another negative feedback loop (I’ve talked about the cycle of abuse they both perpetuate in this other post) that was slowly but surely turning them into the worst possible versions of themselves

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Hey I just want you to know that your analysis posts are top notch! Have a good day.

thank you, that's so kind! Have a good day as well!

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I'll never get over the Book 3 promo art that makes it look like a wacky sitcom (credit/links under readmore)

1st pic/2nd pic

3rd pic/4th pic

5th pic/6th pic was taken down, drawn by Kellye Perdue

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I wanted to talk a bit about how actually looking through the series, Grace seems be to doing a lot of them emotional support in her relationship with Simon. Simon seems to rely on that support without offering much in return.

In The Musical Car and the Jungle Car we see Grace trying to cheer Simon up over being separated from the Apex. She tries to joke and give him things to do to keep himself from just worrying. This seems to just come naturally from their differing personalities, but it’s there in the beginning of the Book.

In The Debutante Ball Car she also regrets bringing up the Cat seeing how upset Simon looks at it. She tries to move on with a joke and reassure him that they have time to deal with Tuba.

But in Le Chat Chalet Car when Grace is staring unhappily at her hand, Simon doesn’t seem to notice anything is wrong. He’s just annoyed at Tuba and tries to get Grace’s attention so they can move on.

In their argument later, Grace looks like she regrets her comment about Simon needing her to make decisions for him, though she goes back to being annoyed. She also later apologizes for not acknowledging his feelings. There is also a small moment of her checking in with him before asking The Cat about the snow.

Simon does not realize Grace might also be upset until she lets him know, nor apologize for arguing with her over circumstances she couldn’t control. Still, in this scene he does offer her emotional support over her worries.

Then in The Canyon of the Golden Winged Snake Car, Grace gets angry with Simon when he grabs her. He clearly hasn’t considered that things between them might be tense at the moment after killing Tuba and belittling Hazel’s grief (also if someone says don’t touch them just don’t). But she looks guilty seeing Simon upset, though she stops herself from apologizing, just trying to smile at him to seem like she isn’t actually angry. 

Simon meanwhile, doesn’t think to apologize, reflect on what happened, or ask her what is going on, instead going to the Cat to find some way to deal with her “not acting like she should” and shutting him out.

Then after the truth about Hazel comes out and Simon finds out Grace kept it from him (out of fear for Hazel’s life!), he gets much angrier. He does not care at all how upset Grace is over Hazel leaving, simply feeling jealous and betrayed rather than any sympathy for the person he was so close to for eight years.

Grace meanwhile is upset, but still feels some sympathy for Simon when he expresses anger over the lies. The storyboard even labels this expression as guilty. Even though Simon has rapidly spiraled into cruelty and is currently messing with her mind in a very literal sense, Grace feels guilty. Meanwhile the storyboard says Simon looks disappointed as he leaves Grace.

And we also see that their very first meeting involved Grace comforting Simon and him looking to her for support/answers, feeding into the dynamic they would eventually have

And it ends in their fight in The New Apex, where Grace saves Simon’s life and says that she knows he’s hurting. She also, however, declares that she does not owe him anything and is not responsible for his problems. Simon, meanwhile, tries to kill her multiple times, and feels that she does “owe” him.

Their relationship was definitely shaped by a lack of healthy adult figures, other peers, or boundaries. The way it turned out makes sense with them having no one else to rely on for a long time. However, Grace was willing to change and make other connections, while Simon refused to look at other perspectives and tried to cling to what he knew, alongside the subtext of his romantic interest in her.

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It’s funny how wheeling tuba and being so damn honest and casual about it, made me despise Simon worse then most actual pure evil fiends in fiction.

Even frieza of dbz.

well it’s pretty hard to like someone smugly watching a little girl run off crying

I think it’s a ‘jerks are worse than villains’ thing… Frieza was an evil alien conqueror (I guess, never watched DB) so you don’t expect him to be good. Simon is a human who bragged abt murdering a little girls mom figure bc he was jealous that Grace was paying her (a six year old!!) attention and and bc he couldn’t sort out his problems with Samantha from Tuba & Hazels relationship and Denizens in general.

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Ok has anybody thought about Grace and Simon going into the Art Gallery Car… there would be a lot of pent up stuff I feel, it would def not go well

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Sometimes i think about Grace calming Hazel down and using that breathing thing to help, and I wonder if she looked into that stuff? She did have a car full of troubled kids to look after

I’m imagining Grace reading books about kids from the mall bookstore to help the Apex kids being like “wow thank goodness I’m well adjusted so that doesn’t apply to me :)”

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To Everyone Who Can Hear My Voice,

From the heart of war-torn Gaza, I reach out to you in desperation. My family my wife Dina, and our children Zeina (8), Eileen (7), Yamen (5), and baby Ronza (4 months) is living in fear, hunger, and uncertainty.

We are running out of time. The bombings continue, and we lack even the basics to survive. I never imagined begging for help, but my children’s lives are at stake.

Please, help us escape this nightmare. A donation or even sharing our story could mean the difference between life and loss.

✅️ Vetted by @gazavetters (#213) ✅️

Donate link.

https://gofund.me/7b67a844

With hope and gratitude,

Ahmed Alanqer

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THESE ARE INCREDIBLE!!! Our silly little murderous Lost Boys and Girls...

I’ve said before that I love the Apex. I just love dysfunctional villain families. A few thoughts/headcanons

Grace mentions playing sockball in the Jungle Car. I wanna see that.

I notice they enforce helmet rules in the Mall Car, very funny unless you think abt how its bc they would not have doctors for an injury.

Imagine Apex board game nights… Simon gets too competitive and is only allowed to ref.

Nights at the Apex are hectic, only Grace and Simon have their own rooms so for the kids its basically a big sleepover. There is often a mix of people trying to sleep vs. those people who will talk and talk.

the kids like to make guesses over what Train car they will see next.

they have random celebration days for birthdays and holidays bc what is time on the Train

(Feel free to add)

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Would Siblings Fix a Passenger?

Tulip: I would say yes. It would probably have helped if she had someone she felt could relate to her stress over their parents divorce. If it was a younger sibling she might want to look after them like she did One One.

Amelia: Probably not. It does seem like she is not in contact with her family in the UK as her tape only shows Alrick and some unnamed friends. Maybe if she had a sibling she was friends with it would have helped, but if she had any, they were not close.

Jesse: Did in fact have a sibling, and it did fix him. While he did let his 'friends' treat Nate badly, it seems like the guilt he felt over that helped him come to the realization of not being a people pleaser sooner than if it had just been him.

Grace: Yeah, I think so. Her issues were how lonely she felt, and a sibling might have helped that. And while her relationship with the Apex kids and Hazel weren't entirely healthy, she cared for them and ends up wanting to do better by them.

Simon: Hard to say to for sure without knowing his backstory, but probably not. He did not seem to bond as much with the Apex kids as Grace did, and definitely did not warm up as much to Hazel even before the Denizen reveal.

Ryan: Did have siblings and it made things worse.

Min-Gi: I think it might have helped if he hadn't been his parents only focus. Besides, if he had tried to act like a condescending know it all to them a la The Party Car there most likely would have been some kind of retribution.

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Grips you

GRGRRGRG I love infinity train so much wEEawaaeaaea, this is a cool blog tho :3

- @the-bite-of-87-lol

OUGH IM GRIPPED....

I also love Infinity Train which is why i made this blog! Glad you like it! ^.^

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“Oh, wow! So, it's a good thing my number's going down? I'm growing as a person?! Thanks, Train! So glad an inanimate object likes me!”

I still love this scene because you know what? Tulip is right. What does give the Train the right to decide exactly how a person needs to progress? I mean I know it becomes pretty clear later through the series that isn’t exactly helpful, so who started it and why?

Also, hey Train, what is the algorithm you use to quantify trauma and the healing process. How does that work?

Also also, healing isn’t linear, so that kinda stinks, you make one backslide and you could get like, another week or even longer.

And again, what about external circumstances! What if they don’t want to go back to their lives on Earth, like Amelia and the Apex, bc whatever made them unhappy there won’t change?

I understand these are questions the series wants us to ask, and it’s depressing to think we will never get those possible answers. I just wanted to appreciate Tulip being sassy and rightfully furious

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I feel “male power fantasy”, as opposed to any gender “power fantasy” is slim. That said whilst I’m sure there was extreme black and white binaries in Esmoroth, nothing we see of it, both from the show & deleted scenes, indicates it was a male power fantasy from someone whom has experienced several male power fantasy works. I can expand on that difference if you want?

As I said on the post, 'but its 2024 so if people dont know or like my stance on Simon by now idk what youre doing here' like i dont know why people feel obligated to quibble with me on my own interpretations on my own blog.

But let's discuss this in good faith. Agreed, we don't know enough about the stories and their content to make an actual judgement. but again I bring up subtext.

Like i whole 'rightful king returns' trope usually involves someone getting power and respect that they deserve due to something innate about them like their lineage. (I mentioned Tolkien as a better example, Aragorn has the lineage but also earns his role by respecting and valuing others).

When we actually see the book Rise of the True King it's after his takeover of the Apex. It seems pretty clearly intended as a message to Grace that he's in power now. He also later claims that Grace owes him "everything"

Also another thing I did not mention is that Grace and Simon both assumed Amelia as the Conductor was a man, bc Grace only had a brief encounter and she filtered her voice. However, after meeting her and realizing she is the Conductor, Simon still has trouble believing it. When he tries rewriting Grace's memory of it, he still tries to imagine the Conductor as a large, powerful figure that he addresses as male, saying "I never thought I'd get to see the Conductor with my own eyes. He's perfect. Everything finally makes sense again."

While this could be read as him trying to back to their old beliefs, again there is also subtext of him denying what both Grace and Amelia say, saying Grace was being brainwashed and insisting the powerful figure they had built up was a man.

Look, like I said last ask, it is very hard for me to read Simon's character of lashing out at mainly women, feeling entitled to Grace's loyalty (which she was, she just started caring for Hazel too), and refusing to examine his violent and prejudiced worldview without seeing some latent sexism. But yeah again, my own blog, my own thoughts, and let's leave it at that.

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I feel Simon doesn’t have toxic masculinity, but he has toxic vibes in his extreme black and white thinking.🧐

Well on one hand I agree that his problem is more black and white, 'us vs them' mentality rather than any issues specifically w seeing womanliness/femininity being weak or anything. But I do think he does have aspects associated with toxic masculinity, though it's more a angry internet nerd guy way than in some alpha male dudebro way.

For one, we can see from his writings and models that he's very interested in war and soldiers and 'Rise of the True King' can be seen using the 'guy getting power and he respect that naturally belongs to him' (listen, we can't all do it like Tolkien). Apart from these showing Simon's need for a world he can understand and be in control of, they could also be seen as typical male power fantasies.

He also prefers to present himself as being logical, and people against him as being unreasonable or weak when he's just as driven by his emotion, which is a pretty typical trait of this type of guy.

I really don't think the subtext of his arc being an angry cishet white guy who refuses to change his damaging and bigoted beliefs, mainly conflicts with women, and ends up attacking his semi-official romantic partner, a black girl, over it was unintentional. His relationships with Grace and Samantha are fascinating to explore because they are complicated, but while I understand they had a lot to fit in 10 11 min episodes I would love to have met his mother. That is a missing puzzle piece i would love to fit in to place, but we just have to theorize (And I have).

(also I have been writing up another meta abt Grace and Simon's relationship, specifically in regards to [though I hate how pop-pysch the term is but i can't think of anything more to describe it] emotional labor if anyone is interested)

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Simon was never even given a chance to beat the misogyny allegations bc he was the only main guy character in Book 3, so he only had conflict w girls/women 😔 (Tuba, Grace, Hazel, Amelia, Samantha)

but even in Book 2 he also make Lake cry and called Jesse weak for choosing compassion which could have toxic masculinity vibes since it was a parallel to the ‘man test’

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Emperor Aloysius mentioning his ‘Missus’ is very hilarious with the later implication he was one of Amelia’s closest attempts at making Alrick (the voice and glasses)

imagine desperately trying over and over to bring back your late lover and not only is one of your most successful attempts a turtle but he marries someone else I don’t know what I’d do