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[travelingvetstudent]

27

So. I broke down. I told the complete truth about my situation to my advisor. He was not happy about it. He was not happy about how the students were being treated. 

I’ve decided to wait things out. I might have a shot at a transfer. And if that’s the case, I’ll give it another shot. I’ll give this another chance. Because to be honest, if my well being isn’t taken seriously, I don't want it.

[travelingvetstudent]

26

I’ve decided to drop out. 

“But you’re so close, why would you just give up like that?”

This is the rest of my life: Working 12 hour days, doing my best, being berated by clients, higher ups, colleagues. Working with people who don’t take my mental health seriously. Being put through a program that advocates for mental health but doesn’t do anything to address it. 

Why the FUCK would I want to commit the rest of my life to that? 

Sure, I’m 300k in debt, but I’ll figure it out. I’ll find something else. This isn’t the end of the world. 

I don't even want to be a doctor anymore. I don’t want the responsibility. I don’t want this. I’m done. 

[travelingvetstudent]

25

I've been doing a lot of thinking regarding the veterinary profession. obviously I’ve had to because it’s like my whole world was shaken up. but I just think it’s so sad that if I had the chance to do this all again I probably would say no to veterinary school. I probably would 100% decide against it. 

I think that’s so sad. and my biggest qualm with it is that vet schools love to advocate for mental health but then you get there and everything is kind of like “too bad, get used to it” instead of opening up a dialogue that could potentially lead to improvements. 

like for example - the amount of exhaustion. we never get a break. like it can’t be healthy how hard we work and how tired we are. I get it, you have to study hard but like how do you expect me to study effectively and fit in me time as well as class/eating/sleep????? shit doesn’t add up. and we wonder why vets kill themselves. because this attitude doesn’t stop in school. it’s the rest of our fucking lives. I just... I don't know. 

[travelingvetstudent]

24

I made it all the way through my final semester and at the very end it’s like I choked. I failed the large animal surgery final. and I have so many mixed emotions about it that I’m not sure how to process it. I guess I can welcome the break but at the same time I’m just so frustrated that I went in passing this class and then I get a 60 on the final when I needed a 65 and it holds me back for 4 more months. 

there’s the fact that I’m only taking one class and I’ll have a mental break but then it’s 4 more months I’m away from finishing clinics. it’s so annoying. that, and the professor of this class is such a petty person that I’m worried she’s going to make it even more miserable than it has to be. 

I’ve paid my dues, just let me retake this class in peace please. 

[travelingvetstudent]

23

I’ve made it to 7th semester annnnnnd HAHAHAHAH lord help me

[travelingvetstudent]

22

6th = hell semester

it’s only day two and like... I’m intimidated 

they’re treating us like actual doctors which is nice, but at the same rate I feel like I know nothing

one day at a time, though 

[travelingvetstudent]

21

Hahah, the more I advance the more I forget about this blog sometimes. I’m in 5th now. Which is kind of crazy to think about in retrospect. But it feels nice, this semester focuses more on putting everything together. It’s intimidating, but I know I can do it. One more year to go before I get off this rock and move on to clinical year. 

This has been hard but it’s been amazing. I know I’m capable of much more than I give myself credit for sometimes. 

[travelingvetstudent]

20

3rd was the absolute best. Last semester was the happiest I’d ever been on the island and honestly I was so grateful for it. 

I am now in 4th and so far so good. I’m just happy to be by myself and getting through things. 

I had a boyfriend last semester that I broke up with because he couldn't understand my fluctuating attention span when it came to him. Like hello, obviously I’m going to drift when it comes to exam days. I need to study and I want to do well - therefore, let me be. it’s okay, though. I no longer talk to him and for a bit I felt guilty because I didn’t want to try and work on things but honestly I was just so annoyed and you know what? I’m better for it. 

One year done, 2nd year underway. 

[travelingvetstudent]

19

2nd semester was the absolute worst. Exams every week and a packed schedule. But I made it, despite everything I went through this semester, I made it. I passed everything!

Turns out I’m moving and that my roommate was actually a raging bitch the entire time so she can keep the apartment. I’m done being miserable. 

I’m going to court on the island due to the car situation when I get back from break, long story short I was conned. 

BUT I’m going to be happy. I’m going to be okay in 3rd. I may be hella broke because my roommate refuses to let me sublet the room out and knows I have to pay for it if it isn’t, but I will be happy and okay. I can do it. 

[travelingvetstudent]

18

The hardest part about watching someone deteriorate with Alzheimer's is watching them become a shell of their former self. It becomes apparent on their face and in their mannerisms... It's kind of cruel really, because there they are - the person you knew before this disease, only.. now they aren't. And so in a way, when it ends up so unfortunately consuming them as we all know it eventually does, it feels like you lost that person twice.

I remember when I watched you slowly forget how to drive. It broke my heart because in my childhood, you always drove us around when we came to visit. When it happened, I remember you getting frustrated - that wasn't the Wito I knew and remembered. You were driving slower than normal. And then one day you weren't driving at all. It sounds dumb but to me it meant a lot. That was piece number one.

At family get togethers you would be the one with the guitar banging away at it to the point where everyone would grab an instrument to join in. It would always turn into one large group of people yelling out incoherent words. You smiled the widest then. As a kid I thought it was obnoxious because it usually happened on Christmas and like how were we supposed to go to bed and get our presents when everyone is yelling in the living room. As an adult, however, I will tell you that those memories are my favorite.

Before I left for vet school, I remember going over to your house. It was Christmas. Everyone was over and my dad was messing around on the guitar, but other than that, the atmosphere was much quieter than normal. Then my dad handed the guitar over to you, but all you could manage to do was strum to a melody that only made sense to you. That was piece number two.

You were the smartest man I ever knew. As well as the kindest and most patient. I remember watching people hold conversations with you. The words came easy and there was always something you could add to the conversation if you weren't commanding it already. After a while, I remember talking to you and watching the thoughts trying to leave your mouth. After some time, they just would not escape the way you wanted them to. I remember watching you get frustrated and feeling helpless because there's nothing I could do except be patient and iterate that I know what you meant, the words weren't entirely lost. And then, eventually, they were. That was piece number three.

The final piece was the hardest. It was when I realized that I was slowly becoming  unrecognizable. There was always hang time before you recognized who I was. Wita always said "that's Tana, she's going to school in St.Kitts to be a vet".  When it clicked, I'd see the smile form on your face again - that was always my favorite. But then there was the possibility that tomorrow wouldn't be the same.

I miss you and will continue to miss you probably more than I realize. Being out here makes it different for me, I feel like I'm in mourning for something that hasn't happened yet. I know that will change once I get home, but for now it's not easy to accept that there is a world where you don't exist. It never mattered that you were my only grandpa - you made up for that by being twice the man and we were all beyond lucky to have you in our lives.

As they lay you to rest tomorrow, I will be thinking about you and what you meant to our family. Love you forever, my bright and beautiful “Alowito”. Holding you in my heart for always, Tana xo

[travelingvetstudent]

17

This semester has been the busiest. 

Exams every week with almost no time to breathe.  I’ll finally get a break after this Friday. 

And then it’s two exams a week, a break, and then finals. 

God help me.

[travelingvetstudent]

16

Living with a roommate who is super particular in vet school fucking sucks. Like... we don’t have time to be particular - please sit down. 

I guess I just don’t understand the aspect of telling the person you’re living with what to do in their own house. I can understand if like I leave dishes out or something (which I never do, I always wash my dishes almost right after I’m done with them) but like as far as anything extra goes, you’re not my mother. I spend most of my time in my room, if you want to sweep the floors, that’s on you. I will sweep them when I have the time to but only when I actually have the time. 

The thing is I don’t really care about the floors - I hardly notice when they need to be swept. I will clean them if I notice they’re disgusting, but other than that we’ve got other shit to do. Idk so like including me in on a “rotation” seems counterproductive because they won’t look like they need to be swept to me. 

Idk man. I really fucking hate being told what to do. 

[travelingvetstudent]

[travelingvetstudent]

15

Today I found out my grandpa doesn’t have much longer to live. I also found out that my dad went to the funeral home to arrange things when he does pass. It scares me because this has to mean that they know it’s going to happen soon. I’m not prepared for that. 

He’s my only grandfather, I never knew my other grandfather - he left my other grandma with two kids and never looked back. I don’t know how to process this and I don’t know how I’m going to feel when I’m thousands of miles from home and in the middle of a semester in veterinary school. Part of me hopes that he will hold on until I come home during break so that at least I can be there. I know he’s ready to go, I saw it in his face the last time I was home, but I need him to hold on just a tad bit longer. 

I don’t know, I feel selfish - like it never really bothered me that he’s my only grandfather until now. I remember how he was when we were all younger, too. And I think that’s the part that hurts me the most - he’s gone downhill so much since Alzheimer's and it’s so scary to think about... I want to keep remembering him how he was before - so alive, always playing the guitar, smart as HELL - the man had so many degrees. He knew the answer to almost anything. And now he’s merely a shell of himself and I can’t stomach it. I know it’s a matter of time, I’m just hoping that it’s not within the next couple of months. Not until I’m home. 

[travelingvetstudent]

My bubby, Newt Scamander <3.

[travelingvetstudent]

14

What pisses me off about the vet student culture is that everyone around you feels that they know exactly what everyone else's financial situation looks like. People assume that just because they're going through the same thing you are, that it applies financially as well. Sure, the majority of us are receiving loans - and it's pretty much the same amount with a few variances here and there, but we are all different people. To me, this means we will spend money differently. We will all plan differently. Some of us don't even get the financial aid in the first place because some families are extremely lucky in the sense that they can afford all of it out of pocket. Just because you're going through something similar, it doesn't mean you know the whole story about someone else's life, someone else's money. My roommate has been on me about how much money I'm spending on a car that I need to get around. She was on me about making sure to take it to a mechanic and getting it checked out before I make that major purchase. And I totally get it, yes - that is being smart about a purchase, especially for something as big as a car. And the thing is, I did. I took it to the mechanic, the car had a blown head gasket - which out here, it's not really that expensive to take care of. But I bought it anyway, because I liked the car and I knew that at some point I would have to sink money into it since it's an older car regardless. She called me a sucker because I did that, and truthfully it hurt me because why does someone else care how I spend my money and how I plan financially if it doesn't affect them? Maybe I'm being sensitive, but like I don't want to justify myself to someone else when it's not even their money being spent. Stay out of someone else's business, it's as simple as that. No one asked. And to some degree I guess it is her problem because we live together and she gives me rides to school, but we have the same exact schedule... I don't know, I just will never understand why someone would care so much as to how someone else spends their money when it has no direct effect on them. I'm not a nosey person, so it baffles me that some people are that way. I really just want my car to be repaired so I don't have to deal with it and so I can get around this island by myself. I just need to be by myself. SIDE NOTE: I have a new kitten - his name is Newt and he makes this experience a whole lot easier.

[travelingvetstudent]

13

Back on the island, time home was super short. But at the same rate I’m kind of glad... because as much as I missed my friends, it was nice knowing that they missed me enough to fight to see me in some form or another. 

I have unpacked everything, I’m all settled in, and I love this apartment. 

Initially the plan was to stay here for one semester and then move, but honestly I am coming around to the idea that I am just going to stay because truthfully there is nothing wrong. I thought that there might be an issue with my roommate, and she’s only been here for a few hours, but there’s literally nothing wrong right now. I’m just not sure how that is going to change throwing stress into the situation. I guess only time will tell. 

In the meantime, please enjoy some of these photographs I took on break. (: