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From a note I found in my phone:

In routine I find myself looking forward to doing a few tasks to benefit the self in a hectic day. But I’m scared of routine bc when it’s not done I feel disconnected and lost. If things are always out of order I find peace at times but can feel spread out like I am in pieces everywhere having to find myself and put back together. How do I incorporate routine without feeling lost when I forget to do the task sometimes?

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The Screen, Room 103, Kyoto, Japan,

A carved circular light fixture in the wall creates a light like that of the full moon. By dimming down these lights, the moon changes from a full moon down to a crescent moon.

Kubo Tsushima Architects

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Kelsey Lu - Morning Dew

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lbalbooks ••bb-book contrasted

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Sheena Ringo for Ongaku to Hito (音楽と人) magazine, February, 2000.

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Peter Do Spring 2021

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Leslie Williamson, Charles Moore’s Bedroom at Sea Ranch, 2018.

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Things I’d post on ig but I’m trying to take a break

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A fancy apple pie and sandwich worth 3 michelin stars

I feel like my brand takes a lot of inspiration from chefs and I can even now translate my food aesthetic from how I design clothes. It’d be taking classic dishes and really elevating each element of that dish to its highest potential.

Deconstructed Apple Pie

crumble made from wheat grown in the backyard and hand crushed cinnamon with spices from the middle east

Apples from the one hybrid apple tree we have and care to located in the center of the restaurant

Cream from our cow in the mountains that we drive to every weekend to get milk for the week

Ham Sandwich

Wheat grown in the backyard and backed in our clay oven

Ham that’s been soaking in spices and baked in the ground for the past week

Cheese from the cow, handmade in our cheese cellar

Handmade mayo from fresh eggs that morning

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Fig + Apple Medley Oatmeal Recipe

I created this today and I felt really good cooking. I want to finally start putting together the cantonese cook book that’s been on my mind for so long. I’m just making up excuse in my head. I already know I want to make it a kickstarter project, have t-shirts printed, prints, videos, and launch party in the Consttant studio. Maybe even cooking lessons? But for now I want to remember this recipe because I want to create something different on Instagram. A profile page that each post is a different step to the recipe, blog with full instructions, videos, eating and gathering, recommendations for farmers markets, nutritional facts, and theres so much more that can go into it. I have so many ideas and I never want to suppress them again. It gets me excited and I love the energy I have. Who cares if I’ll start something and not finish, at least I have this energy to keep going.

Heavy Cream

Water

Flax Seed

Steel Cut Oats

Sugar

Honey

Coconut Oil

Figs

Apple

Apple Cider Vinegar

Cinnamon

Ginger

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Emotions

I was reading in the "You Are a Badass...” by Jen Sincero that fear is always there. This chapter that was hard to understand and relate to. It could have been because I was tired while I was reading and my vision was blurry, but as I was discussing it with my partner today I still did not fully understand. I made up another version of it that I’m still debating I want to incorporate into my philosophy of life. I started to think are all of our emotions orbiting around us present in ourselves and only when we choose to notice the ones that we want, and only then do those specific emotions come out to play. I always thought emotions were made and mustered reacting to any circumstance that we thought best fit. But not I am not sure. It’s kind of like the essay by Wendy Donneger I think who writes about the different masks we all have. I’m starting to think everything is just there for us and we act out on the emotions we choose to shine a light on.

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I realized something today. I really must sit down and organize my life. Well organize may not be the right word, but sitting down and weeding out what I want to work on within myself and what I want in life.

I found this lovely Youtuber and blogger, Tatiana Shabacon, which is provided in the link. I really loved #’s:

5. Find your purpose. Focus on “why” you’re going to do something instead of “how”.

17. “This too shall pass.” Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing in your life, it will eventually pass.

21. Everyone is just winging it. Seriously, it’s all just one leap of faith after the other. Some people have just learned to tumble out of it gracefully.

Starting my own brand has really taken a toll on my life. I am constantly thinking about it and it is wonderful but at the same time I have only realized now that my life is as jumbled up as me trying to figure out this business. Now it’s not a bad thing. But I do feel inside of me that my growth as a person has stunted with the growth of this brand. I need to bring clarity and honesty back to my soul. I think the last time I actually felt this was a couple years ago. I can just see it as that I have all the pieces here right now, I just need to rearrange and put things in a clearer perspective for me to understand what is going on currently. Then from there be honest with myself in how I feel and respond to everything that is going on.

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Honestly...

I have to be honest with myself.

I do not have the best self esteem. I thought being the age I am now I would have gone through that life changing moment where I do realize I am a queen. Yes I do know we are all queens, but do I believe it about myself.

I’ve heard the term fake it till you make it.

I tried that trying to make myself not think about all the faults that I have and just trying my hardest to push myself to be outgoing. It haas made some dent, where now I do not feel scared to meet new people. But just let down that I have not started any real and true friendships.

I tell myself, be happy with the friends that I have. That I atleast have a few best friends. But there isn’t some that I text everyday or just am in synch with. I do well at convincing myself not to be let down by all of this, but it can keep me stuck and not pushing to make more friends.

I’ve come to the conclusion now, that I do not need to push friendships but be loving, honest (with myself and the other person showing my true personality instead of hiding it), and patient with people and have friendships grow from that.