truephoenix

[truephoenix]

*to the tune of "this is Halloween" *

I need alcohol, I need alcohol,

maybe then I can feel something

[truephoenix]

[X] Doubt

life actually gets better when you leave the house consistently btw like im serious

[truephoenix]

What I get

I'm so sad. I'm so fucking sad.

And damn tired of feeling this way.

I think about it everyday. How you left me. Time and time again. How you've plotted against me. And still I miss you. Miscommunication? Mistakes on both ends?

Do you feel mistreated by me like I do from you? Do you secretly wish I'd take the first step? Even a little bit? Or do you hate my guts?

Cowardice won't reveal what could've been. Trust can't be restored as easily as it is broken. The friendship sank and I sank with it. I drowned. My heart raced, but It made no sound.

It's hard to move on from that. It felt like my life, my psyche were torn apart. From one day to the next my friends disappeared. No explanation given. Just gone. No more invitations, open or otherwise. No more mentioning me in any way. Until they threw me out of the chat. How could they do that so easily? Did they always dislike me? Why wouldn't even a single one of them talk to me? They fucked me hard. I had trust and self esteem issues beforehand, but that...multiplied it times a thousand.

I barely pass off as a human. I can pretend, yeah, but...that's it. Keeping me busy is hard.

I'm on auto-isolate. Can't even imagine someone genuinely wants to interact with me/have me in their life. And I know that being a shy, sad, ugly blob isn't doing me a favor at all, but I can't help it.

The light inside me is dead. I try so hard to enjoy stuff and to be fun. It's exhausting. And apparently not that convincing.

I might have told a few people what's up. While drunk. Which is embarrassing. And now I feel like they see it as a duty to check on me in discrete ways from time to time. Which is even more embarrassing.

I'm stupid, I fucked up. I fucked up big time. Where's the rewind button? I wanna go way back and do things differently.

Guess that's life. That's what I get.

[truephoenix]

I'm broken in many places

Some places were broken too many times

I'm out of words

There is nothing left say

[truephoenix]

x

[truephoenix]

*Screaming at the void*

"TAKE ME!!!"

*Accepting the void doesn't care for my soul*

"Coward..."

[truephoenix]

"You know, taking those pills and drinking alone doesn't seem healthy. Maybe you should go out, socialise!"

"I totally agree. So, you wanna hang out?"

"Oh, well... I'm just kinda busy right now."

[truephoenix]

from Loneliness: coping with the gap where friends used to be by Olivia Laing for The Guardian

[Text ID: Last night, I ate dinner with my friend Jenny. In real life, on a warm London evening, forking up aubergine from the same plate. We laughed, shared family news, told each other the things we’d been worrying over. At home, alone in my study, they’d felt insurmountable, a sign that something was irredeemably wrong with me. Under the gentle scrutiny of my friend, they diminished to a normal size: just the grit of everyday traffic with other humans. I walked home feeling buoyant, nearly invincible. I need my friends. I bet you need yours.]

[truephoenix]

Ich weiß einfach nicht mehr weiter.

Das ist alles, was ich artikulieren kann.

Der Rest hängt in mir fest.

[truephoenix]

*to the tune of "this is Halloween" *

I need alcohol, I need alcohol,

maybe then I can feel something

[truephoenix]

[truephoenix]

*Me to myself after taking one sleeping pill instead of chucking down the whole package*: "Coward."

[truephoenix]

Just. Tired. Really.

are you okay?

difficult question

[truephoenix]

[truephoenix]

I cannn't do thissssssssssssssssss

[truephoenix]

Indian Summer by Alexey Egorov (air-66 on artstation)

[truephoenix]

Feeling whole, warm.

It's been so long, I don't know how to handle it.

So confused, worried to lose this warmth too soon.

Thus, replacing peace with a war of my own.