tryandtryuntil

[tryandtryuntil]

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

—C.S. Lewis

[tryandtryuntil]

33-36 of x.

I have been so lazy lately. I don’t know really. The longer I am on these medications, the more tired I’m feeling. I just want to lay in bed and think about nothing all day. 

Not so much happened during these days actually. 

I haven’t had vivid dreams since my last entry.

And I can’t keep my routine of waking up early in the morning anymore. I wake up at 4am, try to sleep again and wake up at 8am instead. Very late, I know. I need to do something about this. I’m trying to think. Actually today, I’ll try not to take an afternoon nap maybe it’ll help me sleep. Because I have been trying not to drink that extra pill when I can’t sleep in case the other 2 pills doesn’t work. I’ve been trying to taper my medications myself so as not to depend on it as much. 

I’m still afraid of the what if’s. I think I still I don’t know what I will really do with my life. There are options. But I don’t know what’s the right one, I don’t wanna make the same mistake again of choosing a program that’s not for me. I know I should be happy, it’s a blank canvass for me now. But I still have little fire inside me that wants to achieve something big in life but at the same time, wants to live my life to the fullest. What training can give me that? HAHA. I don’t know. I’m at a loss really. I don’t know what makes me happy. 

I realize though, if I achieve something, if someone validates and recognizes my achievements I am happy. I am happy when I am recognized, or when I make them happy. I was never happy on my own. It’s been like that for years. 

I really want to be successful, but happy at the same time. I want to be satisfied and contented at the same time. I want to live a fulfilling life. I never had that fulfillment during my training. I was always anxious, always on the run, uninspired, exhausted, miserable even. Always crying every night, thinking about what will happen again the next day. I was so scared of everyday. I’m so scared to commit mistakes. I’m not actually scared of my seniors calling out my mistakes, i’m scared for my patients for my mistakes, THAT I cannot take. 

THAT’s what actually triggered my disorder. I am afraid of almost anything. Even without a trigger. 

I have been inside the house for a month now. 

And I am still at a loss. 

I maybe laughing, really loud at times, but I am still confused. 

I don’t have those episodes of untriggered anxiety anymore though, since I stopped my training. What makes me anxious now is my future. Where am I going? What is ahead of me? What is really my purpose? 

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

I have been having weird, pretty weird dreams really. What makes them weird is they are so vivid. Not like those dreams you have when you wake up it’ll gradually fade and then completely forget about a moment after. I want to log also these dreams through this blog. I don’t know if it will eventually form a story, that would be awesome though. But anyway, since I am a bum. And still looking for a job, this maybe my outlet as well, like a therapy or something. I’ll tag them with dreams of course, what else. 

PS.

It’s mostly about BTS and its members though, specifically taehyung which keeps on visiting my subconscious and I don’t know why really. *cough* So you may say this may be like a fan fiction since I am a fan and I’m writing fiction but this is real though. This are real dreams. Anyway, who cares? If you’re a fan of BTS then highfive, borahae, but if not, maybe you’ll not be able to enjoy my dreams. However, you are free to read them, some of them are really funny. Some are a bit cringy. But I enjoyed dreaming all of them. Hope you’ll enjoy reading them too. 

Ciao!

/dreams

[tryandtryuntil]

28-32 of x.

No, actually I haven’t been that busy. But BTS dropping an MV made me forget to log in here. Still streaming until now, we’re aiming for the awards. Hoping this time, they’ll be nominated for a grammy. Anyway, enough of BTS. I just realized, it’s been a month since I have been taking my medications. The anxiety that’s occurring even without triggers are getting lesser and lesser though, and that’s good. But I still have to control how to react to those stressors and anxiety that occurs with particular triggers. I need to work on that. My doctor told me that the medications can only do so much. I have to know how to react to these stressors. How to fight back. How to accept that these stressors and anxiety triggers are a part of life. You cannot breeze through life, through residency training without these. So I have to learn how to accept, rationalize, and logically react to these stressors. This is a part of my life. I cannot change it. I have to learn to accept it. Same with mistakes. People are not perfect, those people you look up to, they are not perfect. No one is perfect. How you react with your mistakes and how you take it, accept, indulge for a while in it, then take it as a lesson and move on is exactly how you react to it. ACT ON IT. WORK ON IT. It’s been a month of sulking, couching, high on medications, with no job, no savings at the age of 30. 

YOU BETTER MAN UP, man.

Oh wait, with regards to sleep, I sleep better now. With regards to exercise, I tried, and still trying. ALTHOUGH, I can really say that waking up early in the morning with exercise before taking a bath really wakes your whole body up. I’m not even feeling tired now. But I also think it’s the caffeine. I just realize now, I cannot, CANNOT live without coffee. 

Sorry doctor, I need my coffee. I can’t think well without my coffee. I barely function as a person if I am without coffee. I think that’s why I’ve been tired for like the whole month. I have nothing done for the past month, I haven’t even renewed my driver’s license yet. I haven’t passed any application yet. I haven’t had any job yet. Basically I am just a bum, it’s like 2010 all over again. 

BUT, but I needed this. The doctor said I needed this break. So I shan’t worry since I’m working on myself, specifically my mental health so that when I enter another training I will be able to conquer all the odds thrown at me. 

I really want to be a successful doctor, but I want to be happy as well. I want to be a well-balanced person. Which I wasn’t since I was in college. I have been aiming for the best, for excellence, for validation, for approval from other people. Where the only approval and validation I needed is my self. WHICH I have to work on, yes. 

This has been long and so here and there and everywhere. Anyway, ‘til tomorrow.

Ciao. 

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

27 of x.

Sleep was okay. Woke up early but skipped again my early morning exercise and stayed in my bed spacing out for i think an hour before finally standing up and took a bath before breakfast.

Same morning, I received a text from a courier that I'll be receiving a package. I didn't even order anything. I'm broke, no money literally. No job even. I was panicking. But when the courier arrived I asked first if this was COD or already paid for, and he answered it was already paid for, I was so relieved. Then he gave me this bouquet of white flowers and I was like, wait what. And I instantly knew who gave it even without reading the letter that came with it. He is always this thoughtful. I miss him too. I blushed in front of my parents because they were there when I received it was so embarassing. But I'm happy. Thank you wapi. I know you're always there no matter happens. Thank you.

This was a happy day. I am not even worried of my 3rd session of therapy tomorrow. You truly are my Xanor. 😅❤️

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

25-26 of x. 

Yesterday, I had no problems with my sleep actually. We actually had a major major general cleaning. My body hurts though, I just want to sleep yesterday but an MV teaser was to be released last night I slept late again despite the 3 medications I have been taking every night. Oh, I had coffee that morning too. Wrong, again.

Today, because I slept late last night, I was expecting that I’ll be able to sleep well. However, my dreams again are so vivid it is scary. My dreams are like, literally haunting me. It’s like my subconscious telling me that I should be worried, I should be more regretful, I should feel tortured that I left my last job. There should be bad blood between me and my colleagues. It was a nightmare, I am starting to feel anxious again, so I woke up and tried to forget it and went back to sleep but just when I was about to go to REM sleep, there’s those dreams again. So I woke up again, and decided to do this. So that I’ll not be able to think about those dreams again. It’s still 4am in the morning. I really really want to take that as needed pill but I have only two left until friday. I need to get through this without pill.

I still don’t know though, what I should do. Should I get a job far from where I live or stay in my comfort zone? Should I really take the risk?

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

24 of x.

Errands. Errands. Errands.

Good thing I was able to sleep though without waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep back again. I need refill ms for my pills. I think I am too dependent on them now. Not so good.

I have to see the doctor again few days from now. I dont know if I have some progress or I don't really know. She'll try to taper my medications. But I think my medications helped me feel relac, sure. But too relax, I can't even or I don't even want to read anything anymore. Im too tired always. I just want to sleep always. This is so not good.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

23 of x.

Woke up early today to attend mass. Had a good night sleep actually. Maybe I need to drink first the as needed pill before the 2 pills. I'll try again tonight. Although, my as needed pills is running out again. Too many stresses for the past week, I guess.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

21-22 of x.

Both days I wasn't able to wake up early. Last last night, I woke up at 2am and wasn't able to sleep until I took another pill. At around 4am. I feel asleep again but woke up really late and wasn't able to do my early morning walk. I felt really tired and almost anxious the whole day. Maybe because I was too excited at the same time afraid of what the future brings after what my mentor/consultant told me about applying for training in Manila. That made me happy actually, very much, because she validated and acknowledged me for my work ethic.

Today, I wasn't able to wake up again early for my morning walk. It's been 3 days. I need to catch up. Let's go!

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

20 of x.

I wasn't able to do that early morning walk again. I slept all day anyway, wasnt able to sleep at the right time.

I will get a haircut today. I hope it will turn out fine though. Or I will forever regret it and stay in my room all the time, I think that will work.

Naaah, need to get a job asap.

My anxiety levels though, still there. I am really sure if it is getting worse, but I have been taking the extra pills during the day for 2 days now.

I still don't know where should I go and when do I start. I need closure from the people from my last job.

Edited:

This was the day my mother and I decided to get our hair done. I don't actually know why but I have been wanting to have a really short hair. So yeah, I got actually got what i wanted. This is actually my shortest since I was in grade school I think. 😅 But I feel renewed though, so I think that's good.

Another thing, my consultant, a pulmonary specialist called me today, and told me she was shookt when she knew I resigned from the training. But she understands completely. And I should be happy. She actually also said to look for other trainings, dont concentrate on IM since IM is not the only training, to always keep an open mind as well. She saw my potential and recommended to try other fields like neuro, or maybe rehab or maybe even nuclear medicine since she knew someone from another hospital that offers a straight program for nuc med. I felt lighter. I really felt the heavy weight lifted from my body. I was so lost. Lost in terms of my career. But now after that call, I know there's hope still. I considered nuclear med before even starting residency but I thkught I should finish IM first that's why I entered IM training.

That call means a lot.

I am so happy.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

19 of x.

Had a really really awful argument with my father last night. But yet we ended the night in good terms. And that's good.

I'm good. I woke up only once though since my father was worried I wasn’t able to sleep last night. He tucked me in again and said sorry. He still feels guilty. I think I got this do from him. He is so like me.

Anyway, woke up at 5am and was not able to do my early morning walk. Stayed in bed, just staring at the window sill. I was anxious again, I have an errand today that needs going out of the house. I was so anxious, I spaced out. Just stared. Felt my heart beat again. Felt my breathing. Tried to overcome it without taking the pill. I did this, over and over. Tried not to think of what will happen next, concentrated on that window sill with the sunlight creeping in.

Finally went to the shower an hour after. 

I’m gonna be okay.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

18 of x.

2 nights in a row, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, at the crack of dawn and finally at sunrise. Is my medications not working anymore? Do I need a higher dosage? Is my anxiety overwhelming me again? Though most of the time, I don’t wake up anxious though. It feels like waking up from a dream, that’s it. I feel tired though, but after the early morning walk, I feel better again. 

I truly am happy at home. 

I am happy alone too. 

I am happy if I’m with family. 

I never laughed like this since I started residency. 

One of the most best things that happened to me when I had this disorder, being able to appreciate the little things. 

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

17 of x.

Woke up 3 times last night. Not my usual, to think I took the 3 pills to help me sleep. Maybe that was because of the disappointment I felt before I fell asleep. 

I need to work on this. 

I need to work on not to think too much. Not to worry too much. And let tomorrow take care of itself. 

I should be like my nephew, letting his future self take care of future problems. 

But when I woke up for the third time, I felt changed though. I felt tired at first but when I started to take my usual early morning walk, it was... refreshing. Took pictures for my usual ‘my day’ update. Took also the usual wirings and stuff. Somehow I feel connected to those kind of photos, maybe that’s how I feel right now, wired, connected but disconnected or the right word would be disarray.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

15/16 of x

I messed up real bad. 

I’m currently dealing with it.

I’m trying to think and rethink where I’ll go from here. 

I feel so lost. 

This is not good. 

Here we go again. 

I feel so tired all the time. 

Though I wake up early for an early morning walk, it feels good for a while only though. 

I messed up. I have to do something about this, on how to react with this. 

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

14 of x.

Went to the doctor today for 2nd session of therapy. I need to exercise she said. Part of treatment for any psychological problems is medications, behavioral and talk therapy, and exercise.

I'll be doing some walking tomorrow hopefully I'll be able to do it though. I'm such a lazy person and I think my doctor knows it. Lazy when it comes to exercise.

She wants me to discover my new self. Accept what happen. And don't dwell on the negative side of the situation. Learn from it. And move on. If I escape what I'm afraid of, I'll be stuck. I'll be always afraid. I will never know to react when it comes to situations like it. I have to overcome it. I have to learn to accept the things I cant control. I have to learn to accept I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. And I should learn from it and move on. I should discover it myself. On how to overcome my anxiety, and know how I to react to it so that I'll be able to think on how to counteract it, how to fight it. So that eventually I'll be able to taper off my medications and soon I will not be needing it.

I have to learn to accept.

Acceptance is key to recovery.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

13 of x.

Woke up again feeling unrested. I don't know maybe because I'll be seeing my doctor tomorrow. And I feel like I don't have any progress. I'm scared.

2 days straight no deep sleep.

My hands are shaking.

/logged

[tryandtryuntil]

12 of x.

Haven't slept even a wink. Maybe I did but I don't remember I keep on waking up. I woke up around 5 am still feeling as if I haven't slept for days. I was so tired. I don't understand. Though I haven't taken the extra dose of the pill. I wanted to control it on my own but I can't. I have an errand to do today though maybe that's why. My anxiety is taking over my mind again.

This happens all the time. Everytime I woke up. My hearts starts to race. I need refills. Two days more, I'll be back for therapy with the doctor.

Did I do good? Is there a progress?

I honestly don't know.

/logged