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Happy Star Wars day everyone! May the 4th be with you!

And this year I have an entirely relevant question from my inbox that I’ve been saving up just for today!

Dear Duckodeath! I have a burning question. In s4e2 Malcolm issues his infamous description of Star Wars to a befuddled Ollie. How is it possible that he’s THAT unfamiliar with Star Wars?? He’s so up on pop culture that it’s a plot point in S1 with Hugh. What gives? Do you have a theory?

(as asked by rad-braybury and apologies for the delay but I hope you’ll agree it was for a good reason)

Nah, Malcolm totally MUST know all about Star Wars. How else could he be so incredibly accurate in his description? I mean, that’s one of the reasons it’s so funny – because we recognize the underlying accuracy amidst the silliness of Space Hairdressers and Pedal Bins and, of course, for the younger generation, Fucking Lego.

Sure, just from the way Malcolm poses the question, it could easily be perceived as a strangely HUGELY inexplicable gap in Mr Pop Culture’s pop culture knowledge, but I think in the larger context of what’s going in the scene it all makes perfect sense for him to pretend ignorance of something he couldn’t possibly NOT know.

Remember, the reason the subject even comes up in the first place is because Malcolm wants/needs to get Ollie onboard Malcolm’s nascent plot to throw Nicola overboard. Which will require Malcolm to convince Ollie to do something Ollie really, really doesn’t want to do.

(Well, okay, Ollie, definitely DOES want Nicola gone, but FOR SOME REASON he’s not exactly jumping up and down to be Malcolm’s partner-in-crime.)

(Again.)

Which Malcolm also knows. It’s a kind of wooing in a way, especially since (unlike the enforced partner-in-criming in The Specials) this time Malcolm can’t MAKE Ollie do something Ollie really, really doesn’t want to do by threatening him. Malcolm has to persuade him to (look out! topical relevance!) join him on the Dark Side, and I think under the circumstances –  and because Malcolm is pretty much making it up as he goes along – the best way he can do that is by asking a question (that Malcolm already knows the answer to) in pretty much the most ridiculous way possible.

Ollie has to work out for himself WTF Malcolm’s even talking about, but while that’s happening, it’s also giving Ollie’s brain a little more time to get used to the idea of throwing Nicola overboard in a way it wouldn’t have had if Malcolm had just said You know that film Star Wars that you like so much? and gone on from there.

Plus – and I can’t emphasize this enough – I also think Malcolm just wanted to make Ollie say Ewok. Because if Malcolm is an Angry Spider then Ollie MUST be an Ewok. And it is their destiny to FIGHT!

(And you have to admit that IS kind of accurate for how series 4 ended)

Okay, maybe I don’t really think Malcolm just wanted to make Ollie say Ewok (EXCEPT OBVIOUSLY YES I DO), but I do seriously think Malcolm  – who by this point in 402 is pretty much thoroughly and completely fed up with everybody who isn’t Sam and everything that’s not a fucking Fanta – IS trying to make his own fun (because no one else will) and one way he’s going about that is by making fun of Ollie, which is, as I’ve always said, ALWAYS the right thing to do.

(I base this on Malcolm looking like he’s just barely managing not to laugh when he makes the LEGO! They’re all made of fucking Lego! breakthrough and then the help-me-out-here face and hand gesture he makes when he turns planet of the teddy bears into a question – which I think he does just because he knows Ollie will supply the correct Ewoky answer.)

So that’s my theory (if you can call it a theory) and my reasoning (if you can call it reasoning.)

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And then there is a pretty abrupt cut to this super close-up of Hugh

and it turns out there is a reason for that…

From Armando Iannucci’s interview with James O’Brien in October 2017:

Jim: You love talent. Armando: I love finding the right thing for them, do you know what I mean? And then I love being surprised. Because if you’ve found the right thing for them then they feel confident about filling that space and trying out some stuff themselves. And if they’re confident, then some really good stuff comes out and good stuff comes out that you haven’t expected.

There’s a moment in the first episode of The Thick of It where Malcolm says to Hugh Abbott – the minister – something like that thing that you announced earlier today you DIDN’T announce and he says, Well, Malcolm, I DID and there were people watching me doing it and after several takes I said, Oh, just free it up and Peter launched into this, he says:

You *didn’t* do it. You DID do it, they KNOW you did it, but they also know you *didn’t* do it when I tell them that you didn’t do it. Because if they DO say that you did it when I tell them you didn’t do it, then they won’t know what it is you do tomorrow or the next day when I tell them what it is you’re going to do tomorrow or the next day.

And it was just this whole magnificent summation of the complete absurdity of the situation that just spilled out of Peter and as soon as he finished saying it, he burst out laughing because he just thought it was just so absurd. We managed to, you know, in the programme, get the cut just before he burst out laughing. Because he had NO idea where this was coming from–

Jim: It was just completely natural. Armando: And it was this immersion in the character.

So, there you have it. Peter has always downplayed his improv abilities as Malcolm, but here is proper Word of God proof about how good he really was at it. Not that it’s a huge shock – I mean, Peter essentially channeling Malcolm in thought, word, and deed was absolutely a thing from the moment he auditioned – but it’s still awesome to see it confirmed in aired scene that made so much of an impression on Armando that he could still more or less recite Malcolm’s lines off the top of his head TWELVE PLUS YEARS LATER!

And (of course), speaking of years…

Today in PCAP history:

Happy birthday Peter! It’s a big one too,so extra c*nt cake for everyone!

Also, here’s a bonus extra highly relevant Peter quote from an interview he did with The Glasgow Herald (as was) back in the long ago year of 1990 (the year of Chain and Zeno!) when he was just 32:

I have now reached the age when it is time to make a move. I don’t want to find myself at the age of 60 waiting by the telephone for someone else to decide if I am capable of being in what might be a crummy TV production.

Well, that day has finally arrived and I’m pretty sure that waiting by the telephone is NOT something he much needs to worry about. Like at all!

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Today in TTOI history: It’s– It’s– What is today, Ollie?

Which I always like to commemorate by remembering:

1. How days after it first came up Malcolm will still NEVER let Ben be wrong about a pony vs. a baby horse

2. The Specs of STONED Sleepy Sunday Morning Sexiness

(my oh my)

and also

3. Ben’s tick-tock eyes after he’s been caught scoffing Malcolm’s GOOD biscuits although I don’t know if they cost £4.

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Ollie, YOU’RE an Ewok.  I have a tag that says it so it must be true. 

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Also of course:

Today in TTOI History: Quiet Bat People (shad cab edition)

Where

1. We figuratively AND literally see Malcolm living up to his spiritual mentor Sir Humphrey Appleby’s timeless political adage It is necessary to get behind someone before you can stab them in the back. (Poor Nicola)

And

2. You know Malcolm is plotting over his party’s leadership when he takes time out of his busy-busy scheming to gratuitously insult the size of Geoff Holhurst’s tiny-tiny head.

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Today in TTOI History: The Wednesday before Remembrance Sunday 2011

A day that will live in infamy thanks to the Quiet Bat People, but also a day that will live in, er, famy (totally a word!) thanks to our first delicious taste of Malcolm’s surprisingly strong feelings about correct equine nomenclature.

(And also that’s why you fail, Ben. That’s why you FAIL.)

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Oh, I know this one! Malcolm, you were right the second time because It IS Flatember the Fourth!

Merry Flatember the Fourth everyone!

So Yay! once again to Julius’s BIG smile on this my 4th 5th annual celebration of Malcolm’s extremely surprising date.

(I stupidly missed Volcano Day a couple of weeks ago – which it occurs to me must have been a fairly surprising date in its own right in 79 AD – but for the fifth year running I’ve remembered Flatember the Fourth and that’s what really counts.)

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Although I don’t know why the boys are even worried about anyone finding out about the massive itty-bitty massively itty-bitty £1,500,000,000 overspend when obviously (to use Jamie’s word) all they really need to do is get the somewhat ambiguously named Institute for Fiscal Studies to dismiss it as a tiny insignificant rounding error because that’s apparently an actual thing said about what most of us would consider a pretty vast sum of money.

(Also, don’t you wonder what Malcolm wouldn’t give to have ONE fantastically enormous robotic nurse for his very own, eh?)

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Poor Julius, when will he ever learn? Because for the FIFTH(!!!) year in a row I must correct him:  

Darling Julius, I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but Malcolm WAS right the first time. It really IS the Twelfth of June.

Happy Happy Twelfth of June, everyone!

Let us all celebrate in the traditional manner by saying the date asfastaspossible while simultaneously *clearing our throats* in fully approved Malcolm style!

And let us also reflect that through a bizarre confluence of fate (and with a tiny change of pronoun) the actual subject they’re discussing could not be more  topically relevant.  

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Malcolm does his impression of Jeremy Corbyn on the morning of June 9, 2017.

And you know how Jeremy Corbyn and Jesus Christ have the same initials? I think that can only mean Dan “Made Entirely of Smarm” Miller was actually a prophet in his own land and he didn’t even know it.

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So is everyone who can vote in the UK ready for UNEXPECTED! SNAP! GENERAL! ELECTION! 2017!?!

Because just as Magic-Tie Malcolm knows

(it’s one of his many many many mottos after all)

Snuggly Fleece Malcolm knows it is NEVER too late for last minute electioneering enthusiasm.

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You know, for some damn reason Malcolm’s not-quite-a-motto here seemed especially apropos for Earth Day 2017.

So happy Earth Day everyone! Better enjoy while we still have a planet left!

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Hi - after rewatching TTOI last week I started thinking about Malcolm's career choices (among other things) and why he didn't decide to become an actual politician. He's intelligent, probably charming enough to get votes whilst still being able to act ruthlessly when necessary, and has at least some sense of morality. I suppose if his previous job was in journalism or something similar then that might explain why he got into dealing with the media. I don't know.

Apologies, Anon (if you are even still out there) for the shamefully long time it has taken me to reply to this. Hmmm, I can’t say I’ve questioned Malcolm’s career choice in terms of him wanting a behind-the-scenes Number 10 government job rather than choosing to go into the elected side of  politics.

To start at the end, in UK politics being involved with journalism before (or indeed while) being an MP is not at all unusual so I don’t think that would be the deciding factor for Malcolm.

No, I think for him the deciding factor would simply be a) did Malcolm want to be the one being shouted at? or b) did Malcolm want to be the one doing the shouting? Because I think there is only one answer to that and we all know what it is.

(Although the other side of that is Malcolm as Director of Communications for Number 10 really only has the authority to shout at elected politicians if they are cabinet ministers like Hugh and Nicola and junior ministers like Ben or former cabinet ministers that he’d sacked like Cliff or put out by the bins persuaded to resign like Geoff Holhurst. So if he were on the backbenches with the majority of MPs – like Nicola before her unexpected elevation – almost certainly no one at Number 10 would care enough/even know enough about his existence to shout at him which I’m sure would be intolerable in its own way.)

Malcolm is also pretty consistent in his dislike of being known about by people outside of Westminster – although I think that no matter how much he protests that he doesn’t want the public to know about him he does get a bit of a thrill from even the most negative newspaper article written specifically about him

(which is pretty much every article written specifically about him) because it means he IS Very!Important! which has to be a great big ego boost.

On the other hand though, he pretty much doesn’t trust or like the public at all

and never wants to have anything to do with them if he can help it.

Yes, he can be charming with regular people when he needs to be like with Geordie Julie the Merry Fucking Widow in 303,

(or even telemarketers)

but only when he needs to be (see also Geordie Julie the Merry Fucking Widow literally two minutes later in 303)

and especially Middle England Mary the Actress in 102

although of course in that case Malcolm was in EXTREME need of a nap) and I can’t imagine he has the slightest interest in the public as individuals or in dealing with them on a day to day basis as he would have to (or should anyway) as an MP. I’m thinking about Simon Foster and his disastrous constituency surgeries in In the Loop

and trying to imagine if it were Malcolm instead and…nope, can’t do it.

(Although on the other hand if Malcolm were an MP and Sam was still his PA, I’m sure she would have had English Begbie Alan Partridge’s problem with the constituency wall sorted out in a trice.)

Malcolm’s first loyalty after himself – and be let’s honest about the order – is to the Party in general and I would say the first unnamed PM (“Boss”) in particular. What interests Malcolm is making sure the party stays strong and for him that means making sure the party’s message (whatever it may be at any particular moment which may well completely contradict what it was five minutes ago)

is being sold just the way he wants it to be.

At least in the glory days, Malcolm’s position at Number 10 gave him to a greater and lesser degree power over politicians AND the press.  Politicians – and the occasional unfortunate civil servant – only got to say the lines but Malcolm got to create them and then use all of his considerable powers of charm and persuasion and force of personality to MAKE people sell them

even when they really really Sweary Woman of Whitehall TERRI! really really don’t want to.

Just look at Malcolm’s 8:30s when he’s at the height of his power. Is any MP in TTOI who is not the unnamed PM ever as satisfied as Malcolm is here

laying down the law to the ministerial minions?

Oh I don’t think so.

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If you’ve ever wondered if Malcolm has seen Dirty Harry, the answer definitely seems to be YES.

If you’ve ever wondered if Malcolm thinks it is more fun to mess with Ben by lying to him or if it’s more fun to mess with Ben by telling him the truth, the answer to that definitely seems to be…YES.

(Also I’m sure some pedants would undoubtedly say undoubtably isn’t really a word.  And I’m equally sure Malcolm would say they should undoubtably go and do something extremely rude to themselves.  I may be paraphrasing him here.)

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It’s funny because it’s true.

(But, you know what, I’m not going to give in to despair. Because 1) there are WAY more of us than there are of them and 2) seriously, fuck that guy.)

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See, Malcolm’s not just a man of principle, he’s also an incredibly *generous* man for apparently only entertaining the possibility of his lying involving an OR rather than automatically deciding it must be an AND.

(Or rather, many many ANDs – since he is after all talking about lying to save the skin of a politician.)