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twelvedy7 · 4 years ago

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Day 2 Hurt/Comfort

@sihjrweek TW: Panic attack for this one

It had been a long time since Takano Masamune had suffered from sleep troubles. Whether that be nightmares, sleep paralysis, or just plain inability to sleep. It had never been a constant thing in his life, only happening once a month or so, but in his most recent years he almost never found trouble sleeping.

In his youth, it had been an entirely different story. Although they only occurred once in a while, the nightmares he endured had been enough to force him awake with gasps and tremors of fear shaking through his body. Still, it wasn't something he ever discussed with anyone. It wasn't like he had anyone to talk to. He wouldn't even know what to say. The dreams were so abstract, but dreadful, suffocating, terrifying, a never ending fall through the air, but also being held under water until he couldn't breathe, and the whole world was dark, but all his vulnerabilities and insecurities were illuminated for the faceless crowds surrounding him to see, but also he was alone, so utterly and endlessly alone.

Then he met Ritsu. And Ritsu was the only damn thing he could think about, to the point where he wasn't having nightmares because he was too busy staying awake to think about Ritsu! Even when Masamune tried to shut his brain off, he just couldn't. It made him find the underclassman even more annoying, but also made Masamune want to get to know him better. What was so damn special about Ritsu that it was keeping Masamune up with silly questions and fantasies?

Then Ritsu left. Masamune didn't have any trouble sleeping after that because Ritsu leaving was like the first domino in a line of tragedies that pushed him to drink. Getting totally black out drunk actually helped you fall asleep and stay asleep pretty quickly.

Then Yokozawa helped him (forced him) to get his life together and maybe it was the anxieties about officially entering the adult world and taking his life seriously that caused an uptick in his experiences with sleep paralysis. That shit was the worst; the inability to move, the complete lack of control, the question of when it would end, if it would end, or if he was even breathing, oh God he wasn't breathing, he couldn't breathe, he was dying-

But Masamune hadn't experienced sleep troubles in a long time. Maybe it was due to the sheer exhaustion that his work brought on, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Masamune slept just fine most nights, slept even better when Ritsu was beside him, which was becoming less and less rare of an occurrence. Masamune still hadn't gotten that 'I love you', but he and Ritsu had something.

So, of course on the night that he was away from home on a business trip, all alone, no Sorata, no Yokozawa and above all else no Ritsu, Masamune laid down to sleep and began suffering from that familiar feeling of dread once he drifted into slumber.

Only this nightmare wasn't so intangible.

"We're going out, right?" Ritsu asked.

"What?" Masamune said, his throat tight and his whole body feeling as if it could sink into the ground at any moment.

Do you feel anything for me? You never say anything about how you feel. You said I was annoying, you said I was gross. I don't know why you're with me. I don't know why I'm with you. I can't believe I ever loved you. You're annoying, you're gross. You're mean, you're pushy, you're insensitive, you're selfish, you're filled with nothing but ugliness- Ritsu's mouth wasn't moving, but his voice was all around and overlapping with the insults until it was intelligible. Masamune wanted to look away from him, but could not as he was unable to discern if he was looking at teen Ritsu or current Ritsu as it switched back and forth and combined and morphed endlessly.

"Stop, stop it!" Masamune shouted at him.

"Stop? Why should I stop? When do you ever stop?" Ritsu stepped up to him, grabbing Masamune's wrists and Masamune suddenly found himself on his back, immobilized as Ritsu pinned him down. "You never stop to think, never stop to ask, never stop, you never stop, just stop, STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ritsu shouted and then...

Nothing.

There was nothing.

Masamune was alone.

"Ritsu?" He called out. "Ritsu!" Oh God, Ritsu left him again, Masamune had lost him again and he was never coming back, Masamune had blown his second chance, he was so useless, so terrible, undeserving of the love Ritsu had once shown him, he deserved this darkness, this loneliness, he deserved to live out the rest of his life alone-

With no discernable transition, Masamune found himself on a bridge above rushing rapids.

"Would you do anything for me?"

Ritsu was in front of him again, looking at Masamune as he stood at the edge of the bridge.

"What?" Masamune asked, unable to keep up with the events occurring around him.

"Would you do anything for me?" Ritsu repeated.

"Yes." Masamune answered.

Ritsu reached forward toward Masamune, giving Masamune a brief flutter of hope as he thought maybe he would be embraced and forgiven.

Then Ritsu pushed.

And Ritsu watched Masamune begin to fall with a smile on his face.

Masamune woke up with a gasp, sweating as he sat up. He put a hand on his chest, feeling his heart pound unpleasantly. He swallowed hard with some difficulty, feeling like his throat was closing. Fuck, fuck, he couldn't breathe, where was Ritsu, he needed Ritsu. Masamune felt the side of the bed only to find it empty, which made his breathing more haggard than before.

"Ritsu?" He choked out in distress before he realized he didn't recognize his surroundings at all.

Not only was Ritsu not here, but Masamune wasn't even home.

Masamune scooted toward the headboard of the bed, pressing himself against it in an attempt to ground himself. He reached out toward his nightstand, grabbing his phone and failing to enter his passcode three times due to how badly his hands were shaking, but he managed on the fourth.

He dialed Ritsu immediately, not even looking at what time it was.

The phone rang and rang and rang until the voicemail picked up. Masamune hung up and redialed. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, he silently implored, begging for just a smidgen of mercy from the universe, even if he was as undeserving of it as nightmare-Ritsu claimed.

Voicemail.

Masamune redialed again. He couldn't leave a message, if he left a message that meant he was giving up on calling Ritsu, which meant he was giving up on Ritsu, which meant he was giving up on them and he couldn't do that, not when he'd come this far, he was too selfish, he loved Ritsu too much, but if he really loved him then he would let him go, but he couldn't, he wouldn't, he needed-

"Takano-san, it is three in the morning!"

Masamune took a shuddering breath of relief when Ritsu picked up, even though he was clearly unhappy at being woken up. Great, Masamune had fucked up again, he'd upset Ritsu again, overstepped another boundary and proven himself to be a selfish asshole again.

"I'm sorry." Masamune had never sounded so small before. "I'm sorry." He repeated, louder. "I'm so, so sorry, Ritsu-I-" Masamune was not usually the one who was at a loss for words between the two of them, but his voice died in his throat as he took in another gasp of air.

"H-H-Hey, what's wrong? What's going on? Are you hurt? Do you need help?" Ritsu asked, now wide awake and on high alert.

"I need you." Masamune choked out. "I'm sorry, Ritsu, I'm so sorry-"

"Masamune, listen to me. I need you to breathe for me." Ritsu said.

"Can't-sorry." Masamune gasped.

"Um," Ritsu himself was trying not to panic as he did his best to remember anything he might have learned about how to deal with panic and anxiety attacks. "Can you tell me three things you see and three things you can feel?" Ritsu asked.

"S'dark." Masamune said, not able to see a whole lot. "B-but...there's the blanket. And-and my clothes. And I'm holding my phone." Those were three things Masamune could immediately feel.

"Good, that's good. Do you think wrapping yourself up in the blanket will help or make you feel restrained?" Ritsu asked.

Masamune wrapped the blanket tightly around himself and closed his eyes instead of answering. "K-Keep talking?"

"Okay. I can do that." Ritsu said. "I went shopping today, snacks, groceries, yes actual groceries which I know is a miracle, um stuff for the house like toilet paper and shampoo. I debated getting a jigsaw puzzle too, to do for fun, and then I realized that's an old person hobby and then I decided to get one anyway. I was looking at all the different options and they were all either boring landscapes or something really insanely colorful and kind of childish, but there wasn't really anything in between. I decided to get a puzzle with a picture of cats all caught up in different colored yarns. It's cute. I figure if I'm going to do a puzzle it might as well be a fun image, you know? Otherwise I won't have fun doing it. Plus, the cats made me think of you. Is this, um, is this helping at all? Should I keep going? Or do you need something else?" Ritsu asked.

"Keep going." Masamune said softly, having laid back down at this point with the blanket still wrapped around him. His breathing was beginning to even out.

"Okay. Um. I did some laundry today too and cleaned up around the apartment. I'm trying to have at least one day a week where I keep up with all the household stuff so that it doesn't literally pile up. It's kind of working so far? It's mostly just a matter of actually forcing myself to do it. I found some of your clothes in my laundry so I washed them too. I figured you wouldn't mind. And then I...I put on the sweatshirt you left behind. Because I miss you." Ritsu admitted.

"You miss me?" Masamune asked in disbelief.

"I do." Ritsu said, noticing that Masamune was no longer gasping for air. "Are you alright, Masamune? Do you wanna talk about what happened?"

"It's stupid." Masamune said dismissively. He'd never exposed this more vulnerable side to Ritsu before and now he felt embarrassed for freaking out over a bad dream like a five year old.

"No it's not."

"You don't even know what it is."

"If it made you upset then it's not stupid. Not a lot can shake the feared editor-in-chief of the Emerald department, so it couldn't have been stupid." Ritsu said. "But we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just want you to know that it's not stupid."

"...thanks." Masamune mumbled. "I...I had a nightmare." He started. "You were you from now, but you were you from high school too and you were asking me if I loved you again, but then you started saying all these things about me that were awful, but they were true and then you were gone again and I was all alone and I thought you were never coming back and then I was on a bridge and suddenly you did come back and you asked if I'd do anything for you and I said yes and I thought maybe things would be okay but then you pushed me off. And then I woke up." Masamune rambled slightly, wanting to get through the recounting of the dream quickly.

"Oh, Masamune..." Ritsu breathed out.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Ritsu." Masamune apologized again, though much calmer this time. "I'm always so selfish when it comes to you and it ends up hurting you. I'm sorry."

"I'm...I'm not going to sit here and say that it's okay, because there are things you've done that aren't okay. But you already know that. And you should also know that I've already forgiven you." Ritsu said. "If I didn't then I would have already disappeared for a second time."

"It doesn't make me any less sorry." Masamune said. "I wish you were here. I really, really, really wish you were here."

"I know. I wish I was there too." Ritsu said. "I'm sorry you had to wake up alone."

"Can we have some sleepovers when I get back?" Masamune asked.

Ritsu gave a soft laugh. "Yeah, we can have some sleepovers."

Masamune's mouth quirked up into a smile at the sound of his laugh. "Okay. Can you stay on the phone with me until I fall back asleep?"

"Sure." Ritsu said. "Let me tell you about the absolute devil Kisa turns into when you're not around. Like he's even more mischievous than usual." He said as he began to recount any and all shenanigans Masamune missed out on at the office.

Masamune half listened, more concerned with the actual sound of Ritsu’s voice than the contents of the story. He set his phone aside, putting it on speaker and hugging one of the pillows he had.

"Hey, Ritsu." Masamune interrupted.

"Yeah?" Ritsu said.

"Don't say it back. If you say it back right now I'll be so fucking pissed off cause I can't kiss and hold you afterward. But I wanted to tell you that I love you."

Ritsu paused for just a moment before he spoke again. "What if I really want to say it back? And what if you really need to hear it right now?"

"If you say it, I will leave and come home right now, work be damned. You don't want to be the reason I abandon my business trip, do you?"

Ritsu laughed again. "I wish you were joking, but I know you're serious. Fine, I won't say it back." He said.

Masamune smiled at the sound of his laugh once more, feeling lucky that he had got to hear it twice in one night. "I'm always serious when it comes to you." He said. "I love you." He repeated.

"Mm." Ritsu hummed in response. "You feeling better?"

"Yeah. Thank you." Masamune said. "Sorry for waking you up."

"It's okay." Ritsu assured. "I thought maybe you were just wanting to tease me at first, but I'm glad I picked up."

"Tease you?" Masamune echoed in a little bit of confusion. "Why would I call you at three in the morning to tease you?"

"Y-You know. Like-like s-something, um, inappropriate." Ritsu explained vaguely.

Masamune blinked.

"Ritsu, did you think I was calling you for phone sex?"

"Shhhh, shut up!" Ritsu exclaimed.

Masamune snorted and shook his head. "My Ritsu always has his mind in the gutter, doesn't he?" Masamune laughed.

"Shut up, shut up, I do not, you jerk." Ritsu argued.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but maybe next time." Masamune said, grinning to himself.

"Absolutely not." Ritsu huffed and Masamune just chuckled in response.

The two of them continued to exchange quips and descriptions of how their days apart were going until Masamune eventually drifted into a much more peaceful sleep.

"Masamune?" Ritsu said softly after he hadn't received a response in a while, but he only heard gentle breathing. Ritsu smiled. "Good night, Masamune. I love you."

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twelvedy7 · 4 years ago

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Twisted - One shot

warning: sensitive topics (drugs).

I just wanted to write something a bit different. It might be a bit OCC but I thought it might be a great fit for the manga universe. This story won’t be published anywhere else than tumblr so feel free to save the story if you like it.

Oh and also english isn’t really my native language so sorry if there are incoherences.

Takano had no sense of self-control. From a very young age he has been a witness of the sheer harshness of his mother and the complete indifference of his father towards their family. Despite how much he tried to convince himself of his difference he inherited from most of their flaws, which filled him with anger every time he thought about it.

No wonder that whenever he met someone bright, kind, generous and appreciated he became more aware of his whole dark gloomy personality. That was the case with Ritsu he was still viewing today as the 16 year-old teen he used to be a decade ago.

No wonder that when he met this bright, kind and generous highschool kid he had become more aware of his dark gloomy personality. He was still viewing Ritsu as the 16 year-old teen he used to be a decade ago and yet he couldn’t understand for the life of him the reason why such a lovable person would waste their time with him rather than finding another likeable person that would be such a better companion than him.

If all the open rejections from the brunette could make him believe he hated him, he was at least smart enough to read between the lines and see what the other tried so hard to conceal under feigned anger and flustered reactions.

What seemed to be like a bitter-sweet genuine love story from two ignorant teenagers who lost each other from a foolish misunderstanding was driving him straight into madness. Ritsu was constantly on his mind, invading his thoughts at any time of the day, reminding him of the terrible person he was and how he will never be nowhere near enough for him. Even in the poorly credible reality where the younger one would actually build up the courage to admit his feelings, he knew that their relationship was sealed to failure.

One day Ritsu would mature and realise how incompatible they were and how idealistic they’ve been this whole time before leaving him to find another person that could offer him the support and love he needed. Maybe one day Ritsu would find the man of his dreams, different from senpai in every way, to finally live the blissful life he aspired to. That’s what broke his heart the most: they were not made for each other. No matter how hard he tried, it will never be enough because they were simply not meant to.

He imagined Ritsu’s soulmate to be fun, social, caring, communicative and considerate which would make him forget all the turmoil he went through for all this time. His parents might be so enchanted by their personality that the fact they weren’t An-Chan wouldn’t even bother them.

The truth is he was physically and emotionally drained. He couldn’t feel a thing if it wasn’t his love for Ritsu and sometimes he felt as if that was his last tie with sanity. There were times where he would shut down his emotions. When it became too difficult to confront their inevitable fate, he would put himself in a semi-automatic mode working up to 15 hours straight without paying attention to anything or anyone, only accomplishing what he ought to.

Over time, he came to accept that he wasn’t able to love anyone without causing them a great deal of pain and suffering. That’s why he decided to distance himself from the few people who actually cared about him in his life and managed to bring him some split meaningful moments of happiness. It was like a lightning bolt shaking him from side to side, making him surrender to the hope of one day being able to spend the rest of his life with Ritsu and recovering from his long-lost friendship with Yokozawa. He hurt them both and didn’t deserve to be part of their lives.

His phone vibrated. He broke off his thoughts to center his attention on the alias displaying on the screen: “Taisho” along with a message “I’m here.”

He stood up from the floor, came up to the entrance of his apartment and opened the door. A man of average-height in his mid-thirties was waiting for him. At first glance, he gave the impression of being a regular salary-man coming back home to his family after a long day of hard work. However, he came to discover that the man likely had a long history of debt behind him involving matters such as a costly divorce and low paychecks.

Not bothering to greet him, he pulled out 6,000 yen from his pocket and handed it to the fearful looking man who replaced the notes with a small transparent plastic bag containing a white powder.

“Same thing next week?” asked the anxious black-haired man, his light blue eyes too faithful to be a dealer squeezing behind his oval glasses.

“Yeah. See you.”

Without giving him a second glance, he double-locked the door and came back to his dimly lit living room that felt so lonely without Ritsu here. It would take some time, if not forever, to prevent this heavy load in his heart from manifesting every time he would find himself alone without the prospect of his first love joining him any time soon.

It still pained him… Nao came unannounced in the office earlier in the morning and asked Ritsu out for something that too likely looked like a date. A walk in the city center, a restaurant, and a nighttime exposure. That bastard.

The rare times he had managed to take Ritsu out for a date was by forcefully dragging him out of his apartment or bluntly lying by message playing the card of ‘emergency’. He remembered the dull ache he felt in the morning as he realised how easy it was for his “best-friend” to take him out to a full outing while he had to prepare a strategy days ahead just to drink a coffee together.

Opening the tiny bag in his hands, he chased away his dark thoughts and kneeled in front of his coffee table, pouring half of the powder out on its surface and realigned it in two fine lines with the help of an old credit card. He usually didn’t take such high doses in one shot, but tonight he knew that he needed it. The accumulated pain and overthinking were taking a toll on him. Rolling a paper, he brought it to his right nostril and sniffed the first line, ignoring the burning pain in his cavity before passing it to his left one and repeated the action.

A few seconds later he started feeling the tiny molecules flowing through his blood system, noticing the faster pace of his heart beat and the gradual relaxation of his muscles as the drug invaded his mind.

He closed his eyes.

As always, the thrill was exquisite. The far away sounds of ambient city noises echoed and at some point the only thing he could decipher in the absolute silence was his own breath. His body was soft and any psychological pain he felt instantly disappeared. It was as if someone had covered him with a warm fluffy blanket while stroking his hair with a gentle grasp, providing him an endless feeling of comfort and security he so desperately needed.

At that moment, everything stopped and all his troubles went away. Nothing mattered anymore. He was back being a young child pampered by a protective mother he never had with an unconditional sense of love. Pleasurable sensations coursed through his body from head to toes until his spirit went numb and he lost any notion of space and time.

He reached that moment of nothingness that he wished could last forever.

___

“Takano-san!”

...

“Takano-san!”

Who was it?

The voice seemed so far away he wasn’t even sure it was real.

“Masamune!” Why would someone try to break the silent darkness that was surrounding him?

For what seemed like hours, he felt himself trapped in-between the process of gaining and losing consciousness. He didn’t want to be drawn from his deep slumber yet.

He recognized some familiar voices in the background but it was hard to put a name on them as they seemed to continuously echo.

It took him several more minutes to realise that people were present and it shook him. He became hyper aware of his environment.

The first thing he saw when he opened his eyes was a bunch of white blouses around him scampering around the room at a feverish speed.

His mind whirled. The world seemed to be going so fast but his brain was so slow.

His golden eyes blinked several times to adjust to the brightness of the room. In an instant he was blinded by the artificial light of the leds on the ceiling.

In the chaos of all the fast-paced strangers around him, he felt a delicate hand fondling with the hair on the short back of his neck and let out a soft tired moan escape his lips.

“Takano-san can you hear me?!”

He groggily stretched out his limbs while burying his head on the petite body frame behind him and looked up to see who was the kind stranger offering him such soft intentions.

Above him were two wide teary green eyes displaying a worried expression. Despite his blurry vision, he could recognize the refined and familiar traits of the man he loved. It looked surreal, having the both of them like this sharing such intimacy in a restless atmosphere.

Next to him was standing Yokozawa in his usual professional attire. He could only watch them through half-closed eyes all the while trying to figure out what they were doing in his apartment in the first place.

“He’s stable now. Overdoses happen regularly when cocaine and other powerful stimulants are added to the equation. That’s what producers do nowadays to boost the effects”. Said a firm feminine voice. He could see the lady in white gesturing around to her colleagues and immediately realised what just happened. She was staring at him, probably trying to jauge how awake her patient was.

“You were lucky Takano-san. This could have been much more serious.”

He saw his friend sitting next to Ritsu, his usual severe expression ruptured by the deep crease in his eyebrows.

“How did you find me?” asked the raven, his voice so weak he wasn’t sure the two others heard him.

The brunette brought his face closer to his ear, petting his forehead as he replied in a shaky shy voice: “Yokozawa-san found you like this…” he heard a sneeze. “The front door was unlocked and your phone was ringing without you answering it. You… You stopped breathing.”

He felt absolutely miserable.

Trying to shift his position to have a better view of his comrades, he caught the look of utter disappointment and guilt from his older friend. He probably thought that he was long done with this dark hazardous period of his life.

“I’m… I’m sorry... I didn’t want to…”

His battle to stay awake was getting harder and harder.

“It’s okay Masamune. Just rest for now.”

The nurse took a hold of his wrist and stuck the intravenous line with a patch.

“We’re going to transfer you to the clinic as you need to take several tests. You’re safe now but your body needs to recover.”

The hand that was playing with his hair resumed and he let his head fall back on his lap. This combined with the liquid in his body led him to a sleep without dreams.

___

When he woke up again, he found himself buried under the sheets of a hospital bed. It took him some time to become accustomed to the artificial lighting of the room. Gathering enough energy to finally keep his eyes open, he gazed at the clock at his right indicating 4:55AM.

The first thing he felt was an atrocious headache that hit him with a massive chest pain undertaking his whole body. He noticed the numerous wires connected to his skin accompanied with the steady regular bips of a machine.

He heard a light snore on his right. Shifting his head, he immediately saw the small fragile figure crawling up into a ball on the couch. A cheap blanket was covering him from toes to his neck. This sight made him feel so terribly selfish. As seconds went by he started getting back to a normal state of awareness despite a fizzy pang at the back of his skull.

With as much strength as he could gather he sprawled a hand towards him and rested it on the others’ laps. He stroked his thigh lightly with the help of his thumb and stared at his seemingly exhausted resting face. He felt so worthless. He knew he had hurt him badly in the past already and the only thing he could think of is that this was too much.

“I’m so sorry Ritsu…”.

After reuniting with his first love following the 10 years they had spent apart from one another he had started to believe in fate. Yet he had been too trustful, using it as a justification for every one of his impatient and inappropriate moves towards the younger one. Everything became painfully obvious. This whole thing they had was destructive and that was mainly his fault. It was time to finally respect the distance that Ritsu wanted and deserved. He could not go back to these college years pretending that nobody cared about him.

Now Ritsu would need him.

Still, they were nowhere near close from getting into a relationship. Too many mistakes had been made. It was crucial for both men to work on themselves first as jumping the steps one more time would only bring them unhappiness.

That day Takano swore he would stop pursuing Ritsu. He’s forever been broken and finally accepting to get help was a start towards a less twisted life.

“It’s okay Ritsu.”

One day they would be okay. They would get the life they both secretly wanted.

#sekaiichihatsukoi #Sekaiichi Hatsukoi #junjou romantica #Ritsu Onodera #Takano Masamune #yokozawa takafumi

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