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[twilightsporklez]

For Want of a Nail, the Kin was Lost

    Exactly two weeks ago, the world had entered the Darkest Timeline. Andrew Hussie, creator of Homestuck, had died from a heart attack at the ripe old age of sixty nine, and, as he had passed to the underworld, his creations had passed from the underworld to Earth. The constellations glittering in the sky, once beacons of hope, had loosened their chains and come down in order to destroy the world. The twelve trolls of Homestuck were alive, and they wanted humanity dead.

Story continued under the cut (cw: violence, death, gore)

    Using their god-like powers, they first targeted power plants and the homes of world leaders. Then they came for the fans. They recruited readers of Homestuck in order to help them destroy Earth. Every one of them had agreed and had immediately sworn their loyalty. 

    Along with their rampages came another change. Everyone, overnight, had had their appearance changed to match that of their assigned zodiac kin. Deku, as far as he could tell, was a Vriska. He was pretty sure that his zodiac sign was Cancer, but maybe his birthday was on an edge day.

    Deku had spent the first week hiding in his basement reading the entirety of Homestuck. His house had then been burned down by a rampant Sollux. Most of the city had been, actually. The only safe spots now were shelters with closely guarded locations.

    He had spent the past few days wandering through the ravaged streets, searching for the location to a safehouse. The heat of the day beat down heavy against his cloak, but he dare not take it off in fear of burning his gray skin. According to a nearby spray-painted billboard, a brave Tavros had set up shop inside the EBGames he was standing in front of.

    The surface was mostly bare during the day, but Deku was still cautious. He did a quick search of the surrounding parking lot before entering the lobby.

    The doorbell chimed as he wiggled his way in. Deku pulled down his hood and waved at the Tavros.

    "What are you in for today?" The Tavros wasn’t in character. Phew. Only those who had had quirks beforehand spoke with their typing quirk.

    "Some food and a safe house, ideally." Deku turned and scanned the shelf that had used to house Nintendo games. It had a couple copies of the physical editions of Homestuck, along with a few handbooks for ‘your new troll body and you’. Deku sighed at the sight of them.

    He heard a few thumps and some swearing, and turned around to find the Tavros bumping his wide horns against the door-frame of the back room. Ouch. Deku feigned interest in the handbooks to help the guy’s self esteem.

    Along with the appearance and typing quirk of your assigned kin, you also gained their powers. Deku had been ecstatic at the news, but then, as always, inevitably disappointed, as it turned out that it only replaced your old quirk instead of fitting you with a new one. He was still powerless in a society filled with superheroes. Er, trolls. Quirk-having trolls were indistinguishable from the originals in every way other than their height, lack of limited immortality, attitude, and blood. Thankfully, everyone had kept their blood.

    Tavros, having managed to not hit his horns this time, came back into the room carrying a couple loaves of bread and a map. "That'll be seventy dollars."

    Shit. He didn't have any money. He didn't have any powers, either. The only thing Deku had, aside from his pure charisma and perceptiveness, was a bunch of weird paper that he had stolen while committing tax fraud. Wait. That's money. Deku paid quietly for the goods and then sat on the floor and took a bite of his spoils. Judging from the map, the safe house was three or four blocks away and pretty well guarded.

    By the time he was finished memorizing the route, he had hungrily wolfed down an entire loaf of Wonder bread without noticing. Grabbing the remaining two loaves, he rolled up the map, pulled his faded orange hood back up, and left.

    The constant surveillance of his surroundings turned a five minute walk into twenty, but it paid dividends. The original route shown on the map was crawling with Eridans looking for someone to take out their anger out on.

    Happy with his avoidance of a close call, Deku examined his surroundings. The outside of the base was relatively hidden. It resembled a normal, beaten-up subway entrance. However, the bottom of the stairway was blocked off with metal and presumably, bullet proof glass with an open hole a the bottom, like at the movie theatres, or maybe a dentist. What were dentists hiding from? He would need to think about this immediately. He had time: there was a sign about someone being "OUT FOR LUNCH."

    Just then, his phone went off. Labelled as the caller: "(Vriska)." Not one for dramatic pauses, Deku answered immediately.

    The voice sounded female. It was hard to tell, because all they were saying was ‘doot’ over and over to the tune of some song that Deku didn't know. The audio quality was pretty bad too, like if someone made a SBAHJ podcast and then made it shittier. He hung up.

    It was another ten minutes before someone came out. The Terezi had her hair cut short, and her left horn was chipped. She sat down in a chair in the booth and waved.   

    "N4M3??" Like eighty percent of the population, she had a quirk.

    "Previously Izuku Midoriya. Currently assigned Vriska. Forgive me if I don't remove the hood."

    "USU4LLY W3 CH3CK TH3 BLOOD OF SOM3ON3 B3FOR3 L3TT1NG TH3M 1N TO S33 TH3 BOSS BUT 1N YOUR C4S3 1T SHOULDNT M4TT3R."

    Deku found that unsettling, but free room and board is free room and board, so he didn't question it. Terezi leaned back in her chair and slapped a button on the wall. The window between them swung open and Deku jumped back to avoid it.

    “COM3 ON 1N.” Terezi moved her chair over to the side, and Deku saw that the interior was much larger than he had thought. It was a little bigger than a supply closet, and had pictures of various Homestuck characters plastered along the walls.

    The space felt personal, so Deku didn’t lag behind when Terezi left down a hallway to the side.

    After a short walk, the hallway opened up into an abandoned underground parking garage. The sturdy concrete walls were covered in graffiti, and most of the cars had doors busted open. Trolls from most of the hemospectrum were lazing around, talking and sleeping. All of them except for Cerulean bloods. 

    Maybe he should get to know the person—troll—currently leading him away from any witnesses.

    Start simple. “Are Terezi’s powers any fun to use? I never had a quirk, so I’ll never get to experiment with mind-”

    “1 DONT H4V3 4 QU1RK.”

    “You don’t? Then why the typing quirk?” He would never have thought he would be having this kind of conversation.

    “1 US3D TO K1N T3R3Z1. 1M V3RY S3NS1T1V3 4BOUT 1T.”

    “I understand.” Deku did not understand, but he did not doubt for a moment that the 5’1” Terezi beside him could kill him instantly, even without a quirk.

    Looping around cars, Terezi led him into another hallway, barking at some of the other trolls to keep it down during sleeping hours. They passed a few kitchens and supply closets, until winding up at an oak door.

    "PL34S3 CLOS3 TH3 DOOR B3FOR3 YOU ST4RT BL33DING."

    Deku hoped that she was joking. He took a breath in and opened the door.

    An older-looking troll with long, tangled black hair sat in front of him. She wore a faded yellow robe with a sun poorly embroidered on it. Her tired face glowed a soft blue, and it scrunched up in seething hatred once all eight of her eyes saw who—what—he was.

    Vriska shot her hand out towards him. Dice spilled out, zapping in the air and glowing brightly. "No dou8les!!!!!!!!!"

    Deku pulled his hood on and ducked, narrowly avoiding certain death. "Wait!” Reminded of his conversation from earlier, he decided to lie. “I'm not a Vriska,” he said. "I'm a (Vriska). Completely different."

    Vriska motioned for him to sit down. "Let's talk. And close the door 8ehind you."

 It had been a few weeks since Deku had joined the underground group. He was sitting with the Terezi and Vriska he had met on the first day, conversing about possible long-term solutions to food shortages. It was difficult because they kept getting distracted and making out instead of getting work done.

    “If we were to grow our own food above ground, we’d run the risk of being—er, 8eing tracked-��� Deku cut himself off. A nearby Karkat had a knife in his hand. “Did you guys check everyone’s blood? I think that Karkat is about to kill someone.”

    They stopped kissing and looked over to where Deku was pointing. Vriska reached into her bag and started rummaging through it. “First of all, not a dude. Second of all, o8viously I checked them all.”

    Vriska pulled out a handful of dice and a tube of red chap-stick. Terezi gratefully took the chap-stick, biting into it like a Popsicle. They both stood up.

    “WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG?” asked Terezi.

    The Karkat smiled. “NOTHING.” He proceeded to walk over to a sleeping Sollux and pat him on the head.

    “I have a new way to solve our food shortage. Reduce damand.” Vriska flung out her dice towards the red-tinged troll. They flashed and spun, until hitting the ground to reveal the damage count. Because of her luck, it was the maximum possible. Lightning shot out of the die and phased through the Karkat, killing him instantly.

    Except, he wasn’t dead. He peeled himself off the pavement and dusted himself off.

    Terezi turned towards Deku and Vriska. “OK4Y 1 TH1NK 1V3 FOUND TH3 PROBL3M. K4RK4T H4S MUT4NT BLOOD. TH4T 1S TO S4Y HUM4N BLOOD.”

    Karkat nodded, as if to approve the theory. Apparently a blood test doesn't work if the one you're trying to find has freakishly normal human blood.

    Vriska facepalmed. “This is so unfair. He never 8ecame a god in the alpha timeline!!!!!!!!”

    The floor rumbled softly, and the roof started to crack and splinter. Beams of energy shot through the roof, and a large part of it collapsed. Hundreds of trolls streamed through the hole, carrying weaponry and a thirst for destruction. Homestucks.  Did they not realize this conquest would result in the demise of humanity?

    Initially filling the area with deafening shouting and pushing, they soon fell silent. A troll in a bright yellow robe floated above them, staring directly at the trio.

    “It’s 8eneath me to ask nicely, 8ut please kill each other so that we don’t have to waste time.” She flipped her long black hair as if it were a simple request.

    Deku, unsurprisingly, liked being alive. “What happens if we don’t?”

    An enthusiastic Nepeta pulled out a gun and pointed it at him.

    "Calm down. I'll deal with this 8ozo myself." Deku realized that floating above him was Her. The original Vriska.

    He was doomed.

    Vriska pulled out dice from her pocket and started playing with them in her hand. “I h8 doubles, 8ut I’ll give you one chance at redemption. Prove yourself a real fan and I’ll let you join my army.”

    Deku considered his answer carefully. He didn’t have a lot of options. Better to go with something tried and true rather than lose at a Homestuck trivia contest. If it worked once, why not again? "I'm actually the original (Vriska). Don't kill me."

    "It seems unlikely. Karkat, test her 8lood."

    Okay yeah he was definitely doomed. Why did Vriska have to take basic safety precautions?

    Karkat’s knife dripped with the yellow blood of a Sollux, and Deku cringed at the sight. Karkat came close to Deku, and took his arm in one hand. He carefully grazed the knife along Deku’s skin, letting the blood drip out for all to see.

    Cerulean blood. 

    He was safe. But he was (Vriska)... And if he was (Vriska), then who was phone????????

[twilightsporklez]

The Real Reason Why I’m Not Allowed Inside The Denny’s Anymore

    Snow covered the road as Kain drove down the highway. They were almost to their cabin.

    He parked the car. “we hear bb”

Story continued under the cut (cw: violence, death)

    “It will be a long, freezing night. We need supplies. Can you get some wö’od?” Amy, his girlfriend, asked. She had forgotten to bring a coat, and also the proposal ring.

    “ill get sum donut worrie :3”

    Did he just say a face? “I need to go reconsider how the universe works.” Maybe this marriage thing too. Amy got out of the car and marched through the snow bank. “Do not forget the wö’od my love.” She watched him drive off and then unlocked the door.

    Amy entered swiftly, closing the door behind her. She shivered. It was about as warm as a corpse in Norway that legally isn’t allowed to be unearthed in case it causes another pandemic. As expected, there was no wood in the fireplace. 

    She followed her way back up the familiar stairs to the attic. There were plenty of blankets to be had. One by one, she dragged them downstairs and made a fort. It was a complicated structure, designed with easy access to the fireplace and a ventilation system. It was tiring work, and even though it was only early afternoon, she fell asleep and started to dream.

    A horse walks through the snow. He thinks that having an intermission in a story this short is a stupid idea. He cannot express this opinion, both because he is a horse, and because he does not know that he is within a story.

    The horse is not hungry, for he had a snack earlier.  He has plenty of warmth, snowflakes melting as they hit his pelt. The only pain he faces is emotional.

    All his life he tried to gain his father’s approval. He had been too runty, too ugly, too stupid for it. Finally he had been sold off to a rich family; finally he had met his father’s expectations. 

    It had not lasted. He walks back to his home town in shame. A sign in the distance. Free Plastic Surgery at Claire’s (with purchase.) Maybe he could at least be pretty enough for his father. An unsuccessful child is less shameful if said child has had thousands of dollars worth of alterations made to their body.

    The horse speeds into a gallop. It will be morning soon and he wants to be first in line.

    Something hit Amy. “Nieghe,” the thing said. It was a horse. Her perfect fortress had mostly fallen into disrepair in her sleep.

    “im home sweatie :D”

    The emoticon sent shivers down her already-frozen spine. Wind rocked the house. “Can you light the fireplace? It is cold.”

    “im sowwie babie i spent all the monays on my new freind chad” He reached over and pet the horse. “heil keep us warm”

    “Neighghh,” Chad neighed.

    Amy swaddled deeper in her cacoon. “He does not have enough hë’et for all four of us Kain.”

    “ok i know im not great at math but im pretty sure we are only 3”

    How was it possible to instill the dread of seeing a typo into your voice? “No. I am,” Amy paused. “I am. I-I am pregnerte.”

    “ur pregante” he asked.

    “Neieihg,” Chad said.     “Yes I am pragnerp. How will he provide for all of us?”

    “hes berg hoarse he can keep us warm” Kain said.

    Amy considered it for a moment. “I think you are right. If we cut him open and hide in the skin, we will have a nice meal and be able to stay toasty all night. I call the intestine’s- I need a new scarf.”

    Kain’s mouth gaped open. “u cant kill him hees my frond dont u loaf me :(“

    Chad took a few steps back. “Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiegh.” Perhaps he could understand human speech. Or maybe he just recognized her determination to have some fresh winter fashion.

    “I could put up with the weird faces, but this is too much.” Amy looked Kain straight in the eye. “You are no longer my boyfreind.” 

    “:(“

    “Neeigeh,” disapproved Chad.

    Kain gave Chad a hug. “im nice so ill let u stay teh nite butt after that we dont have to talk amy”

    “But I refuse. We will die long before the night is over.” Amy pulled her blanket over her head. “What if there is an intruder?”

    As if she had predicted the future, the door suddenly burst open, bringing with it the frigid air of the storm.

    Kain turned around. “an intruder oh no chad like i taught you”

    Chad pulled out a gun. “Neeeigh.” Chad pressed down the trigger. Chad, like most horses, did not have hands with which to aim. Bullets spewed everywhere.

    Kain went over and shut the door. “wait nvm theres nothing there just the storm” 

    “I am bleeding out. Why did you do this? How could you trust a horse with a gun over your own girlfriend?” 

    “ok i didnt give him the gun i dont know where chad got that but i am proud of him” He pulled a carrot out of his pocket and fed it to Chad. “he was supposed to do a song and dance routine but i like his creativity”

    Chad neighed happily. “Neighh!”

    “I’m cryigngngn :(“ Amy clutched her chest. She was in too much pain to realize what low levels she had stooped to. “If you transplant his organ’s the baby and I may live.” 

    Kain stared at her from the doorway. “you arent my girlfrand anymoar”

    “I hate you!” she screamed. And then she died.

        The horse meanders into the Claire’s. There are no other customers. He brings some nail hoof polish to the front desk and asks for plastic surgery. The clerk does not speak horse, but that is okay. He’s used to that.

    He releases the only thing he received from his father other than verbal abuse. A long, swirling horn grows out of his forehead, and he levitates a pen and paper onto the desk. Plastic surgery pls, he writes. The clerk is startled but understands. He pays for his purchase and then follows the clerk into the back area.

        It takes a while to get onto the medical bed (he hopes it is medical, anyway,) but once he is on it the gas takes him quickly. He experiences no pain, and awakes feeling fine.

    He is carted over to the mirror. He cannot recognize himself. It is horrible.

    The face is distinctly human in the way that true emotional connection can never be. The skin is pulled tight against his bones, his nostrils struggling to pull in air.  It sags in all the wrong places, and his hair, oh my his hair. It resembles that of a shounen protagonist who has just done some heroin. 

    He is a failure.

    His father will never love him now.

        Kain turned to his best friend Chad. His only other friend- ex-friend, had just died. He wasn’t sure what to do with the evidence yet.

    “Neighhhhhgh,” Chad said.

    Kain spoke horse and knew what Chad meant. Im sorry about your girlfriend can i eat her.

    “dont be sad i never luved her” Kain unraveled the body from the blankets for easier consumption. This would make the cleanup easy. 

    He started on getting the blood out of the carpet.

    “Neiehhihihgh.” What will you do with your love life now that your girlfriend is dead oh wait we should have a funeral.

    “nah” Kain threw the blankets into the fireplace and lit them. “rip to her but im different ill survive these bullet wounds” he said. And then he didn’t.

[twilightsporklez]

Barry B. Benson and the Epic Quest for Plastic Surgery

After being rejected by Vanessa, Barry becomes determined to steal her heart. What kinds of horrors will he meet? Join him and find out on this 19000 word quest to get laid. (It’s free!! click to download!)

content warnings n all that jazz under the cut

Everything tagged is in WRITING only, and do not have associated images with them, except for body horror and cheese (just skip the scene that takes place inside of Claire’s.)

CW: violence, death, swearing, drug use/abuse, alcoholism, abuse/manipulation, car crash, body horror

TW: cheese (this one isn’t a joke. Like. Really not a joke. Ties in with body horror.), creepy clowns

Problematic content: evil lgbt character (one out of 5 explicitly stated, though everyone will be revealed as lgbt in the sequel except for the sheriff)