twofacejohnny-blog - Tumblr blog

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Doesn't fucking matter. Glad I could boost her self esteem until she found something better.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Haven't written in a few days because I've been feeling pretty good. Today my ex messaged me all upset because she hasn't been paying her bills and her tax return got seized. Of course it's my fault and she immediately brings my kids into it trying to make me feel bad. I didn't at first but now I'm having a breakdown. I went almost a week with no suicidal thoughts and now I can barely write this through my tears. Why does it have to be do difficult?

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Does it even matter? I get up at 0430 every day, come back to my room, watch tv, and go to bed. Only to do it again the next day. Why? For what purpose, and to what end? I dread days off because it locks me in my head. Every day I get I in the elevator and I think "what if it fails? What if now is my time? Can right now be when I get my release?" No. I'm still here. I get in the shower and ask I think about is how wonderful it would feel with the warm water running over me while I sit in the floor and bleed out. I say I'm here for my kids but they have a new life full of exciting adventures. They don't need me. If anything I am just baggage. Maybe this is one of those situations where I need to love them enough to let go.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Anna

I have only ever been in true love once in my life. I got married out of lust and the woman I have recently posted about is also just lust. After my divorce I did the online dating scene, meeting several women and feeling nothing. There was the one though. I’ll call her Anna.  She is everything I never knew I needed. So opposite of everything in my life and yet so perfect. She was married but in an open relationship and poly, ( neither of which I had any experience with) and her husband was away often and for long periods.

The first night I met her we sat in my living room and I listened to her life story until the early morning hours. I was intimidated by all of the things she had been through and how strong of a woman there was in front of me. I don’t think I said much the whole night and I thought she would never want to see me again, but as she turned to walk out the door she stopped and kissed me. Even then I was so dumbfounded I couldn't form an intelligent sentence.

After that night we started seeing each other regularly and my love for her grew into something I couldn’t hold back no matter how much I tried to keep my walls up and not let her in. We talked about everything and she listened to every word I said and would always give me her honest opinion about everything. I told her things that I had never told anyone and I cried like a child but she never judged me. She is the only person I have ever told about being suicidal. i didn’t have to be strong around her because she accepted me for who i am even with all of my flaws and shortcomings.

The hardest thing I have ever done was walking away from her. I told myself that I had to face reality and that I loved her too much to share her. With her being married and having children I realized that all I was doing was playing house. She would never be just mine, so being as she was poly I went on a few dates with another woman and after a while I decided that I wanted to pursue things with the new woman since Anna would never be solely mine. I made the choice to end the relationship with Anna letting myself believe that we could stay friends and I would never have to let her go.

Life being the cruel whore that it is had other plans. The day I ended it she told me that her and her husband were getting a divorce and he was moving across the country. My mind exploded at that point because I had already made the decision and instead of running back to her I instead was bombarded with all the reasons that we could never be together and how I could never make her truly happy because I could not share her and I was afraid that she would tire of being solely with me and would come to resent me.

I tried to keep in contact with her and I even saw her once for coffee shortly after it ended but we both ended up in tears. We hugged for the last time and it felt like my soul left my body never to return when we turned away from each other. i went on this deployment a few months after I left her and even though I stopped responding to her in order to keep my current relationship in tact she would message me several times a week for the first three months and i read every message and opened every link, each time wanting to explode and tell her that I still love her and she is all I want, but I don’t and even to this day I get the occasional message from her. Everything I am hopes that one day life will bring us back together so that I can live out my days making up for the time we have been apart.

Feeling this way only adds to my depression because I am still in a relationship with the woman I left Anna for and I feel nothing for her. I am just going through the motions. She has no idea about my depression or shit that has happened in my life and I don’t think I will ever let her in that far. Its no fault of hers but she isn’t Anna. No one is and no one will be. I screwed up and I’ll pay for it the rest of my life.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Searching for someone whose demons play well with ours…

Follow for more relatable love and life quotes & feel free to message me or submit posts!!

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Today has been better. Despite sleeping like shit. Got to talk to my kids and stayed in my room watching tv and eating delivery. I hate people in general so it's nice to lock myself away.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Why? Why am I constantly on the verge of tears? I can even be happy that I get to see my kids in a few months because all I can think of is that I can't bring them home with me and I'm already sad that I'm going to have to say goodbye again. They are the only reason I am still here. I don't know why though, having a broken dad isn't going to help them in life.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

That was fucking stupid, put myself out there knowing exactly what would happen and what she was going to say and it still hurt. I just need a good day, not even a full day just some sort of real happiness however brief.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

True for me at least. Pain sears my soul everyday that I met her too late in life and can't be with her

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Angel is the centerfold

Don’t know how to feel. She isn’t mine but I let myself fall into the delusion and now everyone sees what I thought could be mine.

[twofacejohnny-blog]

Thought it was interesting, I took several online mental health quizzes and they kept popping up with suicide hotlines. Some days hurt more than others but the pain is always there.