txxfiles

[txxfiles]

hello hello.

it's me, magnolia! i lost my job this month! i have been doing Very Badly (i haven't really talked about it so don't tell anyone but turns out i exclusively tie my self-worth into the value i can bring to other people so being unemployed has been... pretty rough) and have just been kinda getting very high and waiting until i don't feel like shit any more, but i am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

i'm going to use this month as a chance to share the beginning of an article I'm writing about 2018 video game firewatch because i keep forgetting I'm meant to be working on it. it's one of my favourite games ever and touches on a lot of themes that are important to me, so I'm writing about them because i am a sentient being with free will. pls enjoy!

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I don’t like the feeling of being known. 

I don’t want someone to tell me what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. In my head, I am an impenetrable puzzle box of a person, decipherable only by sheer force of will. My life experiences are unique, irreplicable, and knowable only by me and a select few people I have chosen to let through the thick iron gate that is me. 

Which is why crying at the opening cutscene of Firewatch felt less like a moment of connection with a video game, and more like a personal failure. 

For those of you who haven’t played Firewatch, Campo Santo’s BAFTA-winning 2016 narrative adventure game, my reaction isn’t an abnormal one. This game is a tear-jerker through and through. Using a combination of a beautiful and masterfully crafted setting and incredible voice-acting performances from Rich Sommer and Cissy Jones, the game tells the story of a man who escapes into the Wyoming wilderness to avoid the reality that the love of his life is slowly losing herself to early-onset dementia. It’s an insightful look at the futility of running away and the pain of grieving someone who’s still alive.

The game’s opening montage tells the life story of its protagonist, Henry, and a chance encounter with a woman named Julia. They meet through a chance encounter at a bar, and what follows is a fairly apple-pie love story; meet-cute becomes dating, dating becomes marriage. Stop me if you’ve heard this before - they also adopt a dog, because of course they do.  

Throughout the opening cutscene, the player is offered a few dialogue and action choices that help develop Henry and Julia’s relationship. Nothing too earth-shattering: for example, you get to pick the breed of dog they end up adopting as their first big mark of commitment to eachother and their shared lives. But you, the player, are given limited agency around crafting the narrative that sets the scene for the rest of the game. A few limited choices that give you a feeling of control over the characters that the game provides you - not as people, but as agents of your whims as a player.

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and that is all because i have not been able to bring myself to write any more because i am straight up doing pretty badly. hope you're all well and i love you dearly.

magnolia

[txxfiles]

hello?

I don't know what to write about this month! so I’m just going to stream of consciousness and see where we go. 

I was going to write about my holiday but I started a travel journal and did like 2 days and then was so exhausted every night that I didn’t do it! It was an amazing holiday tho, like once in a lifetime sorta shit. it was a bit hit and miss if we would even go but we did and it was wonderful and I appreciated having so much time with my brother as I miss him. It was so full on tho like it was a group tour thing and it was like go go go and we walked 20 thousand steps one day bc my brother and I were like ‘Yeah sure we’ll climb that mountain with u no stress’ and then basically got lapped by the American women over 60 who came with us lmao. I was so careful as well with putting on suncream and shit and I STILL got burnt!!! the curse of being so fair burdens me every day. I am mostly nicely tanned and the redness has gone down so we chill but it’s so funny bc everyone else in my family is so nicely tanned and then there's a tomato girl walking around with them. my freckles have come back tho so that's nice. 

it gave me a lot of time with my thoughts tho, which I hate. Also being forced to spend that much time with my parents is always interesting. the other people in our group were telling them how good of a job they did raising myself and my brother which always makes me feel weird. I don’t think the good parts of my personality have come from my parents, I often value all the bad things about it to them which may seem harsh but my instinctual politeness and willingness to help wasnt fostered by them teaching it to me, it came from fear of getting yelled at if i wasn't this way and getting in trouble for doing anything other than cutting myself in half to do what was asked of me. I hate the person I become when I spend so much time with them as well like I become so angry and snappy and my tolerance for shit just plummets and I come home and it’s like a wave of relief because I feel so much calmer instantly. And then the next minute I feel awful for not seeing them very often and like guilty for having my own life and actually enjoying not seeing them very often. My mother makes a point of talking about not seeing me and missing me and I struggle to wrap my head around the idea of them missing me because when I see them they don’t talk to me! they don’t ask me shit they just take it in turns complaining about the other to me and I’m sat in the middle with my head in my hands wanting to die! I told them both at separate points that I wasn't getting involved and then got the silent treatment and I was just soooooo doneeeeeeee. I’m so grateful I could go on the trip and the highlights totally outweigh the bad bits but it’s hard to remember the good parts when the last 4 days were spent in a state of tension and arguments that I couldn't walk away from because there was nowhere to go! it’s like a constant battle of being grateful and then being annoyed over and over again and I don’t know how to deal with it so I just don’t! 

Going away with your family at my age is weird as well. my brother and I look very young so everyone else in the group very much assumed we were younger than we are which was funny and I guess a blessing. no shame in it but one of the other ppl in our group wasn't much older than me and she’s married with a house and a stable job and I just sat there like ahahahahahaaaaaaaaa. I know it’s bad to compare yourself to others and I’ve gotten better at not doing it but in situations like that, it’s hard. I said last time how I feel like I’m behind everyone and that's still stuck. I’m not doing bad per se but I’m not really making any money and I’m no closer to starting the career I want and that’s not for lack of trying like I keeeeeep applying for jobs and getting turned down on no response at all and it hurts. I worked so hard for my degree and some days it feels like it was for nothing. I know something will come up soon but the waiting is slowly killing me. 

I didn’t smoke the entire holiday either as I couldn’t because my parents don’t need another reason to be disappointed in me and now I’m back in the UK I can’t afford to buy any cigs but GOD DO I WANT SOME PLEASE. I know it’s bad for u and shit but I just want a little treat. I didn’t miss it when I was away and because I literally couldn't get any it didn’t even really cross my mind bc I was so busy but now I’m back and the corner shop is 5 minutes away i’m like uwu yes pls gimme the lil death stick. I think that's one of my biggest issues, if something is within my reach I literally cannot deny myself it. goes for food, people, drinks whatever, if I can get it I’ll have it even if it’s not a sensible thing to do within the budget I have. I think it stems from my childhood but I’m not getting into that right now. 

In other news, I’m actually having a birthday party for the first time since I was a kid!!! wooo!!! hopefully, I won’t cry this birthday other than from happiness!!!! everyone I’ve asked is well keen as well so I was like yay amazing! and then one of my mates whom my relationship with is so complicated I wouldn’t even know where to start was like ‘Yeah sure I’ll come’ and I was like fab ok and then the NEXT TIME he messaged me he was like ‘oh it’s the FOOTBALL FINAL SO I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN COME’?????????????? HELLO???????????? I’m honestly fuming. I get it, your team might not get to the final again fine whatever but the matches are like in the afternoon so u could still come after???? oh my apologies for thinking I, your friend or whatever whom you have been through an insane amount of shit with, might be A BIT MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FUCKING FOOTBALL???? I hate men oh my god I’m actually mad and maybe that's selfish but what the fuck. I’m currently leaving him on delivered because I’m not about to start shit between us for the millionth time but considering the conversation we had about new years and how he had fomo you would think he’d wanna come but no. If he does end up changing his mind I’m so tempted to be like ‘nah don’t bother’ but that goes against every single particle of my being so WE’LL SEE. if he tries anything imma whack him (probably) but regardless, it should be fun and it’ll be nice to see all my friends in one place and shit. I’m very nervous about it bc I’m convinced no one will come but everyone I’ve asked has been enthusiastic so hopefully, it goes well. hopefully. I don’t want another birthday where I end up feeling upset or like a burden or whatever. thinking about it reminded me of one birthday I had where my so-called friend made out with the guy I liked when we were in the cinema knowing full well I liked him. good vibes!!! 

anyway, that’s me! once again not particularly positive but I’ve realised I use this as a way to get things off my chest I’m not sure how to properly talk about in person. which I think is kinda the point of this anyway. but regardless, I’m tanned and travelled and back to the grind like the alpha male I am. 

peace out homies

eucalyptus ᡣ • . • 𐭩 ♡

[txxfiles]

hello today’s post is on being the uncreative youngest sibling and i am writing it on my phone straight into the app because if i put too many barriers to entry on doing this blog i will simply never post again.

this might not be surprising but i am the youngest of the xx files posting team by a not huge but not insignificant margin. i am also the only one with no real level of artistic or creative skill. i am not saying this for pity i am saying it because it is True - it’s not something that i’m necessarily mad or bitter about, just something that i have come to realise.

i’ve tried multiple creative endeavours: writing, graphic design, painting, sketching, fiber arts, baking - and i’m at the unfortunate intersection of youngest and unskilled that makes everything i do seem like a poor ersatz imitation of everything my amazing talented friends can do.

i’m not someone who is comfortable being bad at things. i grew up as a Gifted and Talented Child (cue the groans from the audience - yes i know you’re tired of people on the internet talking about being a former gifted kid, i don’t care, shut up and let me talk), which means that if i am not immediately perfect at something i will toss it gently away onto the scrapheap of failed endeavours, never to be touched again. this is Bad, and I know it is Bad, and it’s something i’m actively trying to combat by being aggressively, cheerfully mediocre at creative things i like.

i’m setting a goal for myself over the next couple of weeks to commit to trying to be creative, even if it is bad. i’m going to bake something to take to a friend’s for a movie night on friday, i’m going to finish the switch sleeve i’ve been crocheting to practise crocheting in lines rather than granny squares, and i am going to tentatively try and journal again. all of these things will be terrible and ugly and i am going to grab them by the horns and look them in the eyes and tell them they are beautiful and worthy and a product of love (is this to avoid saying these things to myself? who can say).

also i have been away in the countryside with my parents for a few days and i have not touched an email or a computer and barely my phone and it has been cleansing in a way i didnt think was possible. today i ran 15km in the hills and listened to lizzy mcalpine’s new album and had a cathartic cry while looking at some sheep. i have added a photo of the sheep as a visual aid.

i am choosing joy. i am choosing to forefeit my spot in the pity olympics. i am eschewing misery because life is short and the days are long and i am too young to die just because i have decided living is too much effort. i am surrounding myself with colour and beauty and the act of creation because that is what being alive is for, god damn it!

lots of love and one singular kiss on the cheek,

magnolia

edit: i did not add the picture of the sheep! one thousand apologies, here they are

[txxfiles]

youtube!

why is she going on about youtube i hear u cry? well it’s on my mind and idk what else to talk about so here i am to tell you all about how i’ve recently rediscovered my love for the fucking eboys and ponder upon why i am here once again. but anyway what does it mean? who am i? what is going on? if i knew we wouldn't be here so let's take a trip, shall we? 

for anyone who doesn't know the eboys are 4 youtubers who made a short live youtube channel and podcast back during lockdown. it was a culmination of 4 guys i really loved so obviously, i was in. i loved their content separately so having them all together was a dream. their content was the sort of dumb shit i always enjoy so what a fucking win. and then, like all good things, it died within just over a year and i was obviously heartbroken but understood why they decided to call it quits. i don't think i realised how much i missed it until i started watching it again so now there's a small hole in my chest wondering what could have been. i know they won't come back together again like they haven't even made a video all together since so that dream is dead which is sad but whatever. 

i’ve come to realise i have very ‘immature’ taste when it comes to youtube, i don’t watch cool video essays very often or like educational or life vlogs or anythng like that, i like commentary videos and ‘i ran a marathon in heelys’ videos (love u will if ur reading this i’m free literally all the time) and i’m not saying this is a bad thing before anyone starts, it brings me joy so it’s fine but having fallen off youtube and come back to it, it’s really made me think. 

i was out ALL DAY in central london by myself the other day and had been catching up on george’s (memeulous) videos bc there was nothing else in my sub feed that morning and to be honest, i had missed him. call me lame all u want but that lil man has charmed me for several years at this point and he is exactly my type in terms of personality. he even reminds me of that last person i had a crush on which is hilarious, both in terms of personality and stature (HA.) but anyway, i was out alone and the music wasn’t hitting so i turned to podcasts. the sunny podcast has been on hiatus forever and i’ve listened to that enough and the majority of the other podcasts i listen to are fiction ones which i wasn’t in the mood for. so, i went back to the boys and just had so much fun. they’re so silly but i love it, it’s like sitting in a room with your mates and listening to them chat shit. so now i’m sat here writing this with them on in the background slightly upset the channel died (looking at u will) but i digress. 

i was in a major youtube slump last year, apart from my bestie tomska who i have religiously watched for over 10 years now (yikes) i really haven’t kept up with anyone. and then dan and phil games came back and i had a bit more reasons to keep up with it. but I’d fallen out with the eboys for reasons beyond my comprehension. i think something in me was like ‘you’re too old for this’ or something but that’s just so not true. i think part of it was trying to move on from a certain part of my life. i found george and alex specifically through the literal worst person ever so i wonder if leaving them behind was a subconscious effort on my part to put the whole thing behind me which is a lot of what i focused on in therapy. but why let someone else ruin something you love? if i wanna be a teenage boy watching commentary youtubers whilst i play fortnite i will, fuck you. 

i never understand why my hyperfixations die, like i can’t put my finger on it but I’ve had several youtube ones. way way back i was a big dan, phil, chris, and pj girlie but also a big fan of tomska and his crowd at the time. never really been into any of the american youtubers tbh but i was SO into all of that specific british crowd for the majority of my time in high school/college. mostly because i was incredibly lonely and watching their videos made me feel like i had friends. but as with everything i fell off it and into k-pop and kinda moved on from keeping up with any of them religiously. and then i got back into it with george and alex and then kinda went out from there and really reconnected with youtube. especially during lockdown when the eboys and their podcast were big, i loved it. i used to watch them when i had to go to work by myself and be socially distanced from everyone for like 8 hours so again, it was like having my friends there. maybe that’s it, maybe its loneliness. maybe i’m lonely at the moment. idk. but anyway, when the channel died, they all drifted and i drifted too. other than keeping up with last month (tomska) i didn’t rlly pay attention to anything unless i wanted to watch a game play through (big up jacksepticeye.) and then we come to now and it’s like going back in time. dan and phil are back and i’m rewatching 4 20 something men talking about butts. it is like a time capsule actually because i’d forgotten about half the stuff they bring up in the podcast episodes so it’s kinda nice being reminded of all the shit that went down. 

i think i owe a lot of my want to go into like media to people like tomska, because seeing them make videos and stuff with so little that do so well is so inspiring. and he’s genuinely the longest standing youtuber i’ve kept up with, i’ve never dipped off him. i might now tho bc elliot left and i miss him. idk. it’s weird growing up with people you don’t know but feel like you do. like tom got engaged at christmas and that’s just mental to me. 

these people are my friends at this point in my life and yeah i know, parasocial relationships are bad i get it, but i’m not delusional. i’m not stalker level obsessed with any of them and i never have been but i feel a connection to them because i found every single youtuber i love when i was at a horrible awful lonely point in my life so of course it makes sense for me to be connected to them on a slightly deeper level than maybe your average bitch is. but thats not a bad thing i don’t think, like these people arent giving you their ACTUAL lives or personalities, it’s just a small part of them like george doesn't even show his face for fucks sake but that mans my buddy. he doesn't even know me but he’s been there for me when no one else was so of course we’re connected on some level, even if it’s one sided. 

i don’t really know if this has a point, i just wanted to talk about it i guess? i think there’s a part of me that’s ashamed of going back to something like this? like it’s not exactly high media is it. how can i at my ripe old age look someone in the eye and say ‘yeah i’ve been watching a man who wears a bandana chat shit about peoples tattoos for the last 18 minutes, how’re you?’ who in my real life is interested in that? lmao. i said at new years i was going to have less shame about the things i enjoy but this feels like step toooooo far. i guess it is loneliness in a sense, everyone feels like they’re moving on and i’m stuck in a rut of trying desperately to move on too or wondering if i should just die instead. returning to something like this brings me comfort. makes me feel safe. life is so weird man. i’m nearly 27 surely things should be getting better? 

god help whatever i end up writing when it’s my fucking birthday. 

i realise this isn't the most comprehensive thing i’ve ever written but that's not the point so hope u enjoyed the inner workings of my mind! 

peace out homies

eucalyptus xoxo

[txxfiles]

Mood: L’appel du vide.

Happy March, pal. Hope you’re having a good’un. My March feels transitional, in that infinite, neverending way. It feels like the credit sequence of a warmly familiar and long running soap opera. You know the vibe? The fuzzy pixelated buzz of spatial piano music to play out the end of winter as my shockingly low mental health fades to black. The end. 

Time to wake up to spring.

You get it.

Last month, after a terrible-no-good-very-bad-day I blacked out and bought a puppy. His name is Esteban. No botanical moniker for him because his name is too good and too special to disguise. He has been mine for less than three weeks and he is already the love of my life. I think something fundamentally changes when you paradigm shift your purpose of existence to become the magnetic north of another being’s heart compass. It happens with romantic relationships and I imagine it also happens when you become a parent. I know it’s not the same when we’re talking about a fur baby, but it might be as close as I’ll ever get to knowing what that feels like. He loves me. More than anyone has ever loved me before. It's down to the bone. It’s the sort of love I always wished to receive from a partner, the kind of love they talk about in fantasy novels and epic romances. The kind of love I never thought I truly deserved. Deep, primal, unconditional love. And, I’ve found it in a small black fur cloud that needs me to clean his butt. 

He’s not with me at work today and can’t believe how much I miss him. I can smell his baby fur on the collar of my tshirt. Imagine him snuffling in his bed under my desk. I’m dying for the weight of his little body on my chest to help chase off the anxiety that pounds, closed-fist, at the portcullis of my sanity. I really miss him. And I can’t wait to get home. 

This all seems suuuuuuuper typical of me. Very “Maple” energy. Get a dog to finally feel the love I’ve always craved. Get a dog to have someone to go home to. Well, fuck it. I’ve done it now and it’s so, so much better than I ever dreamed. 

…It is scary, though. 

Like. 

Terrifying.

Like staring into the void. Hearing it call to me. L’appel du vide. The dichotomy of loving him. This profound love that comes with a living thing that also needs you. Really needs you to survive. To wake up every day and live. It’s scary, because I don’t think I’ve ever felt that for myself. Not really. I’ve felt obligated to stay, obligated to wake up, obligated to go to work. But not need. The gentle tilt in the axis of my soul has flubbed the laws of my existence forever. It makes me wonder why I’d never been able to feel these things for myself. And, even still, it makes me wonder if one day the newness will wear off and the feelings will lessen.. or worse… stop entirely. Thing is, I know these thoughts are just regurgitated and bastardised versions of all my inner demons talking shit and I really should stop listening to them. French kissing them. Letting them fuck me. What have they ever done for me in return? Eat my ass just one time please, Inner Demons. 

Anyways, all this worrying and wondering and what I really should be doing is just enjoying this newfound lease of life with my sweet and exceptionally hairy son that I acquired after a bad day. Turns out bad days are essential to a very good and sexy life. Thank you Esteban. 

Your Mum finally, actually wants to live. 

Good boy. 

Love Maple.

Ps. Whoever’s reading this, you’re wonderful.

[txxfiles]

writing

hhhhhhhhhhhh.

I’m struggling with my feelings towards my passions atm. Nothing new in all fairness, but this month is starting to put things into perspective in a way that feels like a tonne of boulders falling upon my head.

I finished university in august and graduated in december with a first class honours which i worked really fucking hard for. but i’ve done nothing since. the idea of sitting down in front of my laptop and planning out a new idea is so incredibly daunting to me i don’t know how to put it into words.

one of my friends i went to uni with gave me a gentle (ish) lecture on becoming more disciplined. apparently motivation doesn’t exist, you just have to be disciplined. i don’t know how to discipline myself, i would love someone else to do it for me in both senses if u catch my drift. he then compared me to a car, saying i need someone to jump start me and then i would be away and as much as that made me laugh, he’s right. that monologue from fleabag came to mind, the one where she says how she just wants someone to tell her what to do, that’s me. i don’t know how to make myself do stuff, especially if it’s something i know will be difficult. i don’t know why and i don’t know how to stop but that’s the way it’s always been. uni was great because i had people around me doing the same stuff and a level of responsibility to the school and myself to get shit done to the best of my ability. it was also very expensive so that helped. that was the motivation. i didn’t need to discipline myself because i knew i could do it. so, where do i stand now? there’s no one here to tell me to do something or give me a level of responsibility to something to make me work. it’s just me. me and my rapidly failing mental health and my shitty job that i hate. why would i want to do anything other than rot in my bed all day on my days off?

but i do want to do it, that’s the problem. i love writing, it’s one of my favourite things to do. i used to do it all the time. like literally every night i would be writing something new. i don’t do that anymore and i don’t know why. i was writing fan fiction about whatever i was hyper fixated on at the time but i don’t even have a hyper fixation atm so there’s nothing their either!!!

writing comes easy to me in a way that i don’t quite understand. we had a lesson at uni where we talked about our writing processes and i got embarrassed because i don’t have one. i have an idea i like and i write it. that’s it. it sounds like a cop out and a lie, but it’s true and i got shit from other people in my class about it (not that i care) but hearing other people talk about the planning and extensive research they do into their projects made me feel ashamed for not working that way. not working harder i guess. which is mad because everyone is different and no two people work the same but it feels shameful to have something come so easy to you when some people work so so hard to achieve the same thing. its weird, feeling embarrassed for being good at something. probably because i’m not super good at many things and i know the others will tell me different but i’m not putting myself down i’m just saying i’ve been average at everything my whole life except for a couple things that i’m very good at so, being in a room of people who all wanna do the same thing as you and being at the top of the class pretty consistently and having people tell you you’re good at something is such a foreign concept to me that the fact i also can just do it without planning feels like a cop out.

and now i have no structure, no one to give me tasks and no one to hold me accountable for my actions and i’m stuck. it sounds like i’m trying to push responsibility onto someone else but i’m not i just don’t know HOW to get to the point where i love doing it again. i wanna write something great and be successful and fall in love with it again but i can’t find the strength to slap myself on the ass and do it. doing this is helping, the blog writing is fun and i’m enjoying it a lot so that’s a start.

it feels superficial, why not just do it i hear you scream in my face but trust me i would if i fucking could. i’m sat here with one of the shows that made me wanna go into screenwriting playing in the background and thinking damn maybe one day i’ll write something this good. but i won’t if i can’t FUCKING START.

i’m at my parents this week and have been sorting through old stuff of mine and found a load of old school stuff and every single thing is average, every grade, every letter from school, every silly little award slip is average. i don’t do well in academic settings, i’m aware of this and my strengths lie in other things which is great. sure i get confused about stuff that comes easy to others but i can do stuff those people can’t with ease. we had a conversation about intelligence the other week that shook me to my core because the way i view intelligence is so wildly different from my friends that i was genuinely confused. i don’t think i’m smart because i’m not academic but that’s simply not true. intelligence comes in many different forms which is very hard to wrap my head around. especially at my age and having been told i’m not smart my whole life. it feels even more relevant at the moment because i’m struggling to do one of the things i’m good at. which sucks. especially being with my family and being reminded of the fact i’m the only creative going into a creative industry whilst everyone else is in their safe secure jobs doing better than me when they’re all younger than me. it’s clear they all quietly think i made a mistake going to uni and leaving my old career behind, but i’m so so glad i did it, even if i’m stuck at the moment.

i really needed to vent. i don’t know how to talk about this to anyone.

i’m a very unmotivated person, partially because my enthusiasm for being alive is so low so why do things to help myself progress in life when i don’t want to live it.

wow this went dark lmao. can someone jump start my battery for me please. no? ok. i’ll figure out how to do it myself some day.

in the words of charli xcx, lets ride.

love,

eucalyptus

[txxfiles]

Mood: Extremely Stubborn and Suspicious

Hello, you missed me last month. I’m an ancient beast from the dawn of time and have no idea how to post properly so my Jan entry has vanished - thank you, thank you. It truly is remarkable to be as inefficient as me. So I’ll introduce myself THIS month. I am Maple. Hear me roar.

This week, my job is that special brand of demanding that comes boxed-up-special-offer with a stonking share-size bag of sleep deficit. The monkey on my back grows blubbery and large with my delicious, wasted, waking time. I’m tired. And It feels like there’s always too much to do and not enough time to do it in. But that’s what February always feels like, right? Or is it March now? There it all goes again. I’ve had absolutely one of the worst days of my career and not-surprisingly but unbearably unfairly - it is not my fault. I think part of growing up, getting older, climbing that rickety capitalist ladder of human-worth, is coming to terms with the fact that 90% of your adult life is just absolutely taking the fucking ‘L’. The ‘L’s come in all different fonts, shapes, sizes and colours - and you’ve just gotta take ‘em. Just take them. Take them and place them down gently in the garden of beautifully blossoming ‘L’s you’ve been maintaining since leaving highschool and crack on with your day. I’ve got a botanical 'L' equivalent of a supermall carpark and I’m still so bad at it. Every ‘L’ just thwacks me in the face. And the issue with that is that it makes me want to fight someone. The other part of growing up is learning that you can’t fight everyone. Very rarely can you fight anyone at all. Even when it unsurprisingly and unbearably unfairly - isn’t your fault. So here I am. Not fighting a single soul, feeling shit and blogging about it.

This blog was, I guess, my idea. I wanted some kind of record of how we were all feeling across the year. I seem to find myself rounding off each circuit of the sun remembering the bad instead of the good. Isn’t that the saddest but most relatable human thing you’ve ever heard? How did we get here? Like, as a species. What siren of broken dreams and disappointment brought us here to crash on these jagged rocks of pessimism? Or am I being dramatic again? I also sometimes think that life is better and more exciting when you make bad decisions and I wonder where that comes from. What part of my soul needs things to be more difficult or more bad or more uncomfortable to be more fun? What chamber of my heart wants to fight everyone? We’re weird, creepy little scrungles, aren’t we? How our little brains work. 

I don’t have much else to report. Since I lost January in a freak technology based incident of likely my own making I’ll ease you into this lukewarm misery bath rather than tossing you right in. But I’ll leave you with my wishes for next month, what I hope to be feeling next time I post. 

I want to be happier, calmer and excited about what’s coming next

I want to have had a good day

I want to talk about my writing and the plans for my novel

I want to scream about Dune 2. 

Love you heaps, whoever’s reading this. Love you so so much. Love you right into all the little gaps that aren’t already filled with love in your chest and mind and heart. I love you and I hope you’ve had a good month. 

Love, 

Maple x

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hey hotties! 

it’s my 2nd week of the blog, so naturally it’s time to give you a look at my most profound insecurities! valentines day and the surrounding love season are some of my least favourite times of year - not because i’m bitter about people in relationships (i myself am in one!) but because they remind me that love is something i find really difficult. 

I’m a very, very angry person. i didn’t used to be - i was a very quiet child with very few friends, but not in a way that was sad or pitiable. it’s more that i was just much more comfortable with my own company, and i found it difficult to talk to people who weren’t exactly like me. 

but somewhere around the age of fourteen, i just became so… angry. i was never a violent or physical aggressive person (i’ve been short and chubby my entire life which is hardly the most aggressive or imposing build), but my teenage and young adult life have been undercut by a current of white-hot rage that just seems to seep out of me in whatever i do. 

the way i talk is angry. you can tell instantly if it’s me writing something because everything i write has this edge of barely-concealed rage to it - as was evidenced by the fact that, at new years this year, we did a blind reading of stupid quotes from the four admins of this blog amongst ourselves and people were able to guess which quotes belonged to me by how angry they sounded. i don’t begrudge them for saying it, they were 100% right. 

i find it really, really difficult to express affection or emotion in a way that isn’t either wildly sarcastic or excessively aggressive, and although i’m giving up hating myself for Lent it does still bother me that i have such a prickly exterior. it’s driven a lot of people away, and i know it makes people think i’m aloof and standoffish. all i ever want is to get on with people, but for some reason i open my mouth and all that comes out is a cutting remark or a snide comment. is it a self-defense mechanism? probably. 

i DESPERATELY want to be a lover girl. one of the qualities i admire most in my friends is that they are all, in some way or another, lover girls. i don’t think i could ever be that person without it feeling wildly fake, but i am always drawn to people who are like that. 

anyway. i promised myself i wasn’t going to use this blog as an excuse to vent about my feelings, and i’ll go back to shouting about media next month - but this is something that’s been bothering me and i don’t really feel like i have a healthy outlet to talk about it. 

also, my curent favourite artist lizzy mcalpine has a new album coming out soon - go and listen to five seconds flat (her most recent album from 2022) or perish! 

kisses,

magnolia

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give me all the fics where the boys kiss

Hi! It looks like I'm week 3!

I honestly have no idea idea what im doing really but i guess you'll just have to listen to me ramble about something i enjoy. Seems to fit the theme we've accidentally settled on and well! if theres one thing im good at rambling about its bl fanfiction. i read ALOT of fanfiction. like 13million words worth of it in 2023 alone (an estimate but i did the ugly math for jan and feb last year and id already read 2.7 million words so i dont think its too high an estimate).

ive read fics from too many fandoms to count and also have way more hyperfixations then any one person has a right too but the one that has owned my ass consistently for the last 4 years is The Untamed otherwise know as Mo Dao Zu Shi (MDZS).

The lovely Eucalyptus from week 2 was watching the untamed during covid (and holy shit what a wild ride that was) and the next thing I know im neck deep drowning in fan art and tiktok edits of beautiful chinese men that have no business being as talented as they are (Im looking at u Wang Yibo) This. shit. fucked. up. my. life.

then i turned to my good friend AO3 (love of my life i could not exist without you) and 4 years later ive read my tags dry. if its complete, ive read it. im getting desperate and ive started reading works in progress, yikes. its so risky i honestly cannot tell you how much anxiety it gives me. ive been burnt too many times.

HOWEVER

this does mean if you need a fic recommendation then your girl has got you covered, so i figured i would share with you my TOP SIX fic recommendations. im sorry i tried to make it 5 but i just couldnt do it.

I will be chasing a starlight by feyburner & sundiscus 

Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji - 71,479 words - Complete

Omg. Wangxian Startrek AU. The pining, the miscommunication. I felt every range of emotion on this roller-coaster. I literally printed this out so that I could keep it forever. I wish I could read it for the first time all over again. This Fic hit AO3 like a comet. It even has it’s own Tumblr thread! Also comes with stunning fanart.

Paint smears on sunny days by SnowshadowAO3 

Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji - 53,808 words - Complete

Modern Day AU, Musician/Single dad Lan Wangji falls in love with his son’s Art Teacher Wei Wuxian. I swear it's one of the cutest stories ever written, makes me feel all the good things. A-yuan is adorable and wangxian are hot and charming. The Ultimate wangxian comfort fic. 

Rotten Work by ShanaStoryteller 

Jin Rulan & Wei Wuxian - 63,907 words - Complete

Jin Ling fishes his Da-Ju out of the gutter post canon (Literally dying alone in a dirty inn, Wei Wuxian it's been 5 minutes pls) and decides if no one else is gonna keep him then he damn well will. 

It is perfect.  

Junior Quartet goodness, Yunmeng bro reconciliation and Jin Ling being a boss bitch little shit that has no time for anyone's bullshit. I cried as much as Jin Ling did in this story – which is alot. (Also another story ive made myself a solid copy of that i can love forever)

Joy In The Mindst of These Things by Glitterbombshell 

Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji - 52,901 words - 5 Works

TEACHER WEI WUXIAN! I love this trope with my whole soul. Lots of adorable baby Lans, I would kill for them. Beautifully written. Lan Qiren gets a much needed wakeup call. Last story is incomplete but can be read without the 5th installment. SO WORTH IT, ive read it like 10 times

The One-Body Problem by mitisket 

Lan Jingyi & Wei Wuxian - 28,689 words - Complete

Well shit. How many times have a reread this story? I honestly couldn't tell you. Jingyi gets possessed by Wei Wuxian’s very tired soul pre canon and it changes nothing and yet everything. Their friendship gives me life and Jingyi fixes a lot of problems for his new bestie/mentor/uncle with his big mouth. Mom I love him 

The Edge of Night by Hobbsy3 

Wei Wuxian/Lan Wangji - 277,225 words - Complete

The best Zombie Apocalypse au on the MDZS tag honestly. There are so many good zombie film references in this one, i see you Train to Busan. Baby junior quartet, a perfect Wei Wuxian modern day depiction and so much love, angst and stress. It's delicious and I've never recovered.  

All of these fics are actually part of a mother document i made last week of all my favourite fics organised by tag because apparently thats what i do with my free time. hit me up if you need a rec!

Now that ive gotten that off my chest i'll let you be lol. maybe I'll do a rec for a different fandom next time. I definitely have enough to choose from!

Lots of Love,

Iris

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i’m just a girl who loves video games

hello!!!!

i feel like Magnolia summed up what we are doing pretty well, god bless, but fitting in with the genre of Magnolia’s post i might just ramble about video games. i love video games. i’m watching a video game play through as i type this actually (jacksepticeye i love u) and two games in particular have taken over my attention at the moment, well 3 but we’ll get there.

i was going to talk about my week, but i don’t wanna have my first post be negative u know? not that it’s been the worst week of all time but it’s definitely not the best. too many uncertainties in my life atm. also it’s too cold.

anyway, video games!! i recently moved our old tv and my games consoles into my bedroom, never had a tv in my room before which is hilarious considering my age. but, i wanted to be able to play more this year and not be in anyone’s way so i’ve been very comfortably screaming at my tv from my bed as i try not to die.

the first game i played this year which i have been waiting for for months is

God of War: Ragnarok

i played the first one on recommendation from a boy (ew) and fucking LOVED it. i blasted through it so fast and wanted to get ragnarok immediately but unfortunately, i am poor. i got it for christmas however and couldn’t start it as soon as i wanted bc i had to work but once i did boy let me TELL YOU IT’S SOOOOOO GOOOOOD. i am not good at video games really, i struggle to remember combos and to use my shield and to dodge and basically just button smash until the enemy or i die. works better than u would expect tbh even if literally everyone judges me for it. i am good with a bow and arrow though and my aim has gotten so much better since i’ve been playing fortnite (shut up.) so obviously i’m playing give me story. of course i’m playing give me story have i ever played a video game on anything other than easy mode. i did find out that i was wearing a bad armour set just last night tho, so hopefully i find it a little easier to fight shit now, guess we’ll see. but fuck me is it good. obviously no spoilers but shits heating up atm and i’m really genuinely scared about where the story is going to go. i’m worried kratos is going to die but he’s immortal! he’ll be fine! but i don’t trustn anyone or the game or anything anyone says to me ever bc WHY would they make such a point of fate and prophecy if it’s not going to happen???? mega stress but 10/10 what a beautiful game! my screenshots on my playstation is mostly just the scenery at this point bc wowowowowow.

so you would think the other game i’m playing is chill and nice and something i can relax whilst playing right?

WRONG!

Disco Elysium

stress.

so much stress.

i’m laughing but the stress that is coarsing through my veins is as thick as lava and i’m struggling to breathe as i try desperately to pick between 3 options with awful dialogue that will most definitely end up with me in the shit or a slave to capitalism in game as well as in real life which really isn’t ideal.

i got a achievement for being the ‘most apologetic cop’ the other day, i think that perfectly sums up how i’m playing. i just want to help but that seems to be LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO DO. i really love choice based games but this one is on a level of intense and confusing that i’ve never seen. it’s a masterpiece. every line of dialogue is beautiful and hilarious and insane and the world building is incredible and lieutenant kim kitsuragi is the love of my life. i have no idea what’s truly going on with harry, like i literally cannot work it out and i also don’t know who committed the murder, i thought i did and then i fucked up so SO badly that i had to quit the game and go calm down bc i was so mad at myself. like, literally fuming. i could never be a police officer.

i finished the game in between me first writing this and finally posting and again, i won’t say much bc spoilers but i cried and haven’t stopped thinking about it since. i’ve added about 40 video essays to watch and will definitely be playing it again and going down a different path (basically trying to be less of a wet blanket.)

everyone should play this game, it’s genuinely one of the most incredible games i’ve ever played. the hyperfixation is brewing and if u see me deep in the harry/kim tag on ao3 in about a week no u didn’t!

i’ve also been playing

Star Wars Battlefront 2

for some reason.

we know the reason. same reason i started playing fortnite. no more explanation needed.

i’m very bad at it. mostly bc idk what’s going on and the man i am playing it with is not very good at explaining things in a way that makes sense to me so i just kinda run around and try not to die. but then you need to die to be able to get better characters? such a weird mechanic. it’s very pretty though and i’m on a star wars hype atm so i am enjoying myself but i like fortnite more. i actually kinda love fortnite, don’t tell anyone.

my biggest complaint is that i don’t just get to use a cool character straight away like i don’t want to be a stormtrooper i want to be kylo ren what do u mean i don’t have enough points??? wild.

also an honorary shout out to undertake/deltarune, i’ve been rewatching dan and phil and jacksepticeye play them bc i’m hoping for new deltarune this year but no pressure toby pls take ur time i’ll wait forever if i have to.

i’m not sure what new games are out this year otherwise, i’ve got to finish assasins creed odyssey after god of war and i keep being bugged to play red dead redemption 2 which i probably will after AC. i think the new concernedape game comes out this year, which i will definitely be playing bc stardew valley is one of my fave games ever. it’ll be nice to play something gentle for once, i’m glad i got into more ‘serious’ games over the last year or so but i do miss my cosy games, i feel like i’ve abandoned them.

anyway, i think i’ve talked enough. one honorary shout out to kieran culkin for all his award wins! that’s my boy!

big love to my girlies, this has been so fun i’m excited for next weeks!

mwah mwah,

eucalyptus

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an introduction and some books

hi hotties! 

the idea for this blog came from the twisted fantasy of my three closest friends and i as a way of producing something collaborative and creative without submitting ourselves to the mortifying ordeal of being known. we all get a fun little code name (i'm ruminating on magnolia, which i like but also think is a bit wanky in a way that i can't reconcile myself with spiritually just yet) and a week of the month to post whatever we want. the idea was essentially to create a platform where we get to talk uninterrupted shit about anything we want to because it’s our fucking blog, goddamit, and you’re not going to come onto our blog and tell us how to post. 

and so, to kick things off, i am going to be talking about my favourite books of 2023 because i am cultured and sophisticated and definitely didn’t spend the first half of the year drowning in fae romantasy smut in an attempt to feel something. if you don’t like any of these books don’t tell me because i simply don’t care!! xoxo 

non-fiction favourite - the anthropocene reviewed, john green 

i spent 2023 working very hard to reprogramme my misanthropic brain, and this book was a huge part of what allowed me to do that. i’m still by no means cured of my hater tendencies, but this book was a beautifully tender examination of that little spark of humanity that connects us all, and the numerous ways in which it has manifested throughout human history and across the borders of nationality, age, and gender. green somehow manages to weave in his own life experiences in a way that avoids being preachy or self-aggrandising in a way that i think a lot of non-fiction writers really struggle with - i’d also highly recommend consuming this in audiobook form as his narration really made the experience for me. 

fantasy favourite - a court of silver flames, sarah j maas

if you read this and immediately want to start lecturing me on how booktok is ruining the fantasy genre please know that im manifesting your downfall as we speak. i have my own issues with the flattening of the fantasy genre that takes place on tiktok, but the acotar series is a sugary, pulpy delight and this spinoff novel is where, in my humble opinion, it really hits its peak. as you can probably tell just by reading this, i am what is affectionately known as ‘a prickly unfriendly bitch’ in my day-to-day life, and i love seeing characters who represent me in a way that doesn’t glamourise being an unkind person - and nesta in this book is someone whose tendency to push people away isn’t justified or apologised for, and whose growth i found legitimately inspiring. also i’m still waiting for sarah j maas to stop teasing a dp scene and actually write it, the coward. 

sci-fi favourite - the arc of a scythe trilogy, neal schusterman

this trilogy rocked me to my fucking core, bitch. this was another audiobook read from early 2023 and it’s one of the better pieces of speculative fiction i’ve ever encountered. schusterman pulls off some really complicated and in-depth worldbuilding in a way that doesn’t feel like i’m reading an instruction manual - something that’s genuinely hard to do in this genre - and the series only gets better as it goes. as someone who is profoundly afraid of artificial intelligence this offered a perspective on ai that i’ve not really seen in media before now - and i will also be thinking about my pookie scythe lucifer for ever and ever amen. 

lit fic favourite - all the names they used for god, anjali sachdeva 

i’m actually not going to talk about this one too much because it’s quite a difficult book to explain without giving away too much - not in a spoiler sense, but in a 'this is an experience that you need to go into with an open mind' sense. this is a collection of short stories that play with genre, setting, and character to tell a series of profound stories about the human struggle with fate and the pursuit of meaning. sachdeva manages to build such engrossing and vibrant worlds in the limited space she allows herself for each story - and she avoided the pitfall i find that a lot of short story anthologies fall into where you can very clearly tell that the writer had one story they desperately wanted to publish and wrote the rest as a way of filling up space for a full book.

well, those are some of my 2023 faves. i have a million honourable mentions but i’m not going to put them here because i’ve already written way too much. i’m not sure who’s taking over the reins for week 2 of this little blog experiment but be sure to give them a kiss on the forehead from me! 

yours, 

magnolia