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tyunningism · 4 days ago

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Come on Don't Leave Me

── .✦ pairing: c.bg x reader

You've been attached to Beomgyu by the hip since forever- there's a special attachment between the two of you which can't be described through meagre words and that's why the two of you were so loveable together; blooming in to the naivety of a budding relationship. Yet he suddenly leaves everything behind anyways, radio-silence, leaving you wandering alone in your small hometown until he returns years later with another woman by his side.

...or in simple words...ᴇx!ʙᴇᴏᴍɢʏᴜ x ᴇx!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ (+ h.k. mention)

ᝰ.ᐟ wc - 16.1k words

mentions !! and warnings !! - Lots of angst, open ending + break ups, mentions of death, Beomgyu's a dick for a part of it el oh el, arguing + degrading comments, minor wound on finger, Beomgyu smokes, cheating accusations but not proved, small fractions of reader x huening kai, mentions of genetic medical condition (muscular dystrophy),slut-shaming, speeding (lmk if there's anymore I need to add because this is long and not proofread).

tyunningism's note: had the sudden change of heart to write a longer angsty fic, originally wanted to cap it at 8k but i got lost in making the plot a bit crazy and reached twice that. I doubted myself a lot in writing this because I think my writing was a bit inconsistent and sloppy at time but hopefully it was worth the wait!!

"You know I like you right?"

"Duh, you can't not love me if you've stuck by my side even after I've pissed your bed like every sleepover."

"No, I'm being serious, I like you."

You watch his adam's apple bob in his throat, the way the mischief in his eyes fade like he's matured from his boyish annoying act that he pesters you with every second of the day; he lifts his head just slightly to search for something in your gaze but his mouth is zipped shut, the silence deafening.

You've just confessed your diehard feelings to the biggest blessing and pain in your ass for the past 12 years and Choi Beomgyu can't even give you an answer back?!!

A grunt escapes from your lips at his dumbfound expression, suddenly wanting to bury yourself alive in the very bed room you basically co-lived in together.

"Ugh forget I even said anything."

Falling back on to the outgrown mattress on your bed you refuse to face the literal bane of your existence now as you dangled your feet off the too-small bed you both used to share as kids. He rested his head against where your feet laid, criss crossed on the ground and boring holes in to your bedroom's ceiling.

It wasn't the best time to confess you'd admit- especially when five minutes ago you both were pissing yourselves laughing watching cringy vlogs you both documented on an ancient ipad from god knows how long ago. You just slightly hoped that you'd have both overcome the embarrassment phase at this stage of your friendship after years of going to the same school and clubs and holidays, snotty crying sessions and heated arguments.. enough to be transparent with each other's feelings you thought at least. So you're unsure why his silence disturbs you so much, because it shouldn't. His rejection shouldn't make you feel so stupid for even risking to confess your minor feelings right now.

The awkwardness was starting to linger in the air around you suffocatingly, reaching out to pull the duvet over your head before a meek voice broke the initial tension.

"Can I give you my answer now?-" Your eyes blink hard.

"What?!!"

Chaos followed when you sprang up from your bed nearly knocking yourself out cold on his head, who is now directly facing you breathing in staggered intervals. "Shit Gyu don't scare me like-"

He smothers a hand over your mouth to keep you quiet, instantly causing you to furrow your brows at his impulsive action, ready to start kicking at him for even attempting to shut you up, waiting for him to start laughing the shit out of you.

But you’re wrong, so wrong. Because within seconds he leans in to close the gap between you a little bit more, ever so slightly leaving enough space for you to feel his breath fanning on to your skin.

And to whichever relationship guru he must've searched on the corners of reddit to learn this from- it's working because your brain short circuits on the spot, hands clammy and clenching on to the strings of fabric on your shirt.

You felt it.

The softness of his lips on yours for a short second of bliss enough to drive you insane. The taste of cherry coke laced and latched on his lips that lingered on yours for mere seconds after.

"My answer," He smiles bashfully while tucking stray strands of hair behind your ears.

Suddenly feeling hot and unable to meet his gaze you jump at the sound of his signature boisterous laughter breaking the initial romance of the moment, "I'm shitting myself I can't believe I just did that, can't believe I finally get to have you."

And it’s like your nerves drop. He’s back to the same happy-go-lucky spirit and the same Beomgyu you’ve always known him as (except more affectionate) as he pounces on top of you, immediately getting to work with peppering small fleeting kisses all over your reddening face.

"I can't believe even a shithead like you can have feelings like that… I really thought you were going to reject me then and there Gyu.." you joke lightheartedly.

Assuming he would take it lightheartedly you glance up to see his expression; but he avoids eye contact again, instead choosing to pick at his finger nails.

"I promise you, if I didn't love you you can consider me dead.”

Beomgyu has always been loving despite his antics; even now, at the ring of the bell he rushes out of his homeroom first just so he can walk back with you to the shared club room the two of you have slumped around in during lunch break for years.

Entering without a knock you greet your mutual friends casually with Beomgyu following close behind, an arm snaked around your waist and his chin stunted on the centre of your head.

“You two are so gross, it’s like incest at this point.” The familiar sight of Yeonjun’s outgrown hair and body sprawled across the stained couch of the club room made you grimace all the while shooting him a quick middle finger.

Beomgyu chimes inexplicably fast- eager for any chance to argue with Yeonjun- the laughter bubbling from him made your heart skip a beat each time- not that you’d ever tell him that in case you’ll boost his ego further to the moon than it already has.

“Where’s the little one? Haven’t seen him at all today. Ugh I told him I wanted to go for band prac too.” His groans are music to Yeonjun’s ears, who lets out a chuckle before pointing towards the boy huddling to himself in the corner - zipped up in a hoodie with his back turned to everyone.

You tap lightly on his shoulder before speaking gently, “How’s the new hair for the band Kai? Hm?”

“I bet it’s horrible, like bright green or something”

“Shut up gyu,” Kai hisses before reluctantly revealing the flashy blue head of hair he dyed with cheap box dye and immediately looked sullen the moment he saw the shock in your faces. “I know it’s too bright..I’m just hoping it’s gonna fade out.”

The first person to react is your boyfriend who is scrambling behind boxes and shelves of magazines and small trinkets, random snack packaging and left over hoodies before finally emerging back out of the stack of junk with a small digital camera.

“This one’s for Kai’s new hair style !! You’ll take a photo of us right jjun ??” He giggles melodically, the kind that’s hard to miss and sounds in your head on repeat minutes after.

You really liked Choi Beomgyu.

And you’re sure he loved you and everyone around him too. Despite the forefront he likes to mimic himself as loud and silly- you knew Beomgyu better than anyone else could.

Especially his small habit of wanting to document everything with people he loved the most: Kai growing up, his vacations with his family to beach resorts, questionable photos of yeonjun, his music and lyrics, little snippets of Toto, and you.

He never stopped documenting you. Whether it was making sure that he’d take a photo whenever you had time with each other or when you weren’t there he would call just to hear and record your voice to listen to later.

Beomgyu has always been thoughtful and ambitious. Often complaining about how much he wants to leave the small town to pursue his own band with Kai, who although is more reluctant, can’t help but say yes to him.

Maybe it was the time that you sat down with him at a small brunch spot for a date that you realised his own liveliness stemmed from his passion for music, his head bopping a long to the silky sound of rnb resonating through out the cafe.

“You really do like your music stuff don’t you Gyu?” You ponder, lips wrapping ‘round your straw again for a sip of your mango cooler in mid spring.

Your boyfriend only responds with a hum before giving a sweet smile, he grips the handle of his mug with both hands like he’s reflecting on something, something deeper starting to brim in his eyes.

“I’ve been really in to these kinds of songs lately. I’ve been working on a few projects, wrote a couple of lyrics about..you know, us.

Kai said he’ll compose everything in time for Summer for our second anniversary, I wanted it to be special so I even got his sisters to help. And while I was writing the lyrics I thought about this a lot . If we were to never meet, if we didn’t connect so quickly, if we didn’t bicker and cry together, if we never fell in love with each other. And I know it’s out of character for me to be so open but we’re graduating high school soon and I’ve always wanted to start a band. Everyone knows that. But I hate change, I hate the thought of leaving such a big part of us behind and with Kai too, he’ll be alone in that club room-our club room- when we’re gone too. But if there’s anything that does change I don’t want it to be us. I like how everything is right now..I think I’d rather die if it wasn't like this, honestly."

Maybe it was when you realised how much time you really had spent together.

Beomgyu had always been the same boy you first met; toothy grin and loud shouting whenever something didn’t go his way. You notice it now too in the way he’d pout whenever he’d notice tomatoes in his mom’s cooking, desperate to moan and groan, or after a date when he’d cling on to you and pepper a couple of kisses on your face before pulling you in to the tightest hug of your life as if you would escape from his grasp if he let go, or when he’s excited and really at his happiest- the way he’d unleash his signature laugh in excitement.

There was a charm to him that you always looked forward to every morning when you stepped out of the door to be greeted by the same face you’ve grown accustomed to since the start of time, stood waiting so you could spend every ounce of time together even if it was stupid small-talk.

"Yeah, I shouldn't have skipped sports class.. Mr Kim's going to give me an earful.."

"If I skip my first class today then we can both get a detention, then it wouldn't be so bad because you have the glorious, amazing, handsome Gyu right with you, right?"

There's a mutual pining for these kinds of conversations between you, it made your relationship 1000x more authentic, more human, more filled with understanding and love.

And then you hurry out of the door on the first day of summer, muttering the usual ‘morning Gyu!!’ to an unusual silence that welcomed itself on your porch.

Like you were talking a ghost, the bench sunken in to the grass of your front yard where he usually rested before you were ready to walk to school remained empty. None of the usual strum of music leaking through his head phones nor the feeling of the warmth that radiated from him.

It wasn’t unusual for him to be late or sick and skip out on a day of school but the unnerving feeling in your gut wouldn’t let you rest, as if something had gone terribly wrong, as if something had formed a climax in your life that you weren't even aware of yet.

So you trod to school alone in the scorching heat; the sliding of doors to your home room signalling the cluster of gossip and muttering to drown itself out as you slump over your desk, waiting for Beomgyu to message you about how he was feeling or if he overslept.

But the message never came.

In fact, he halted from showing up to school at all. His spot on the couch in your club room felt emptier than ever and the dread in your heart would only gape harder when he’d refuse to pick up your calls, the small time together you both used to treasure so dearly, let alone Yeonjun or Kai’s calls.

And no one reported him missing or filed in a report for a dead body in your small town; everyone got the hint when they’d walk by his house and the lights would remain turned off, when his parents didn’t come by with a basket of peaches from their backyard, when the small remnants of life started to fade without the Chois in the home they've lived in for decades.

It was like he never existed. Like he vanished mid-air.

There was no way to understand it; how one moment he would be cuddling with you in bed to the tranquil of the matching music boxes your parents had gifted you , and the next it would be complete radio silence, not a single voice mail or message from him.

The first time you cried after his disappearance occurred when you visited his home hoping he was merely unwell from a stupid summer cold that he always caught year after year. Kai had tagged behind like he knew you’d bawl your eyes out the moment you saw the polaroid photos you had taken together on your first date sticking out of the trash like a sore thumb upon heaps of waste and old toys and pans.

A smack to your face. That’s what it truly felt like seeing the way he grouped you with useless junk, like the lifetime you spent together meant nothing to him apart from a way to pass time and entertain himself. The flimsy film of paper waving back at you mockingly in the wind for even thinking for a split second that he would've thought about you before going MIA.

In the next few moments everything that came out of your mouth ranged from sobbing to incoherent cursing and tears rushing down your cheeks and on to Kai’s shoulder. You cursed at Choi Beomgyu like he had murdered your entire bloodline, you cried until you physically couldn’t strain your throat to wail anymore and you clutched on to Kai to fill the gap in your heart- substituting the void Choi Beomgyu had abandoned.

Still, you’d wake up every morning a bit earlier and linger by your door step a little longer just in case he’d show up again like he used to do.

Every. Single. Day.

But it was a one-man show every time you'd spend lunch in the noticeably duller club room on Yeonjun's phone attempting to ring him or his parents.

"Look, stop being a fool you've been ringing up his phone for a week and there's no answer. Fuck knows where he's at?"

You know Yeonjun's right, but you can't let go go of the slim chance that possibly he would pick up.

With no updates from Choi Beomgyu nor his parents, slowly he’d fade away from the scene of your upside down life that he'd left without warning.

The second time you cried so exhaustingly was the first winter without him when it was starting to show signs of frost- the flimsy thin blanket needing to be exchanged for a warmer duvet. Which of course had to be situated under the frameworks of your bed that strikes a hassle to reach as you hovered your hand over boxes of clutter and old treasures you’ve kept since you were young.

What you thought you were taking out to be a box stuffed with your winter duvet turned out to be a box bedazzled with striking bold letters, ‘Y/N and Beomgyu’s time capsule’, and poorly cut out cheesy photos of holding hands and playful cheek kisses plastered all over the lid.

Usually after a couple months of Beomgyu disappearing from your life and slowly adapting to a life without him you would cease to acknowledge anything that reminded you of him; knowing it will only pain you more. Though, you’re still healing from his unexplained absence, to this day you still didn’t know if he was even alive let alone avoiding you, so you can’t bring yourself to throw away the only bits you have left of him, the only evidence that he wasn’t purely fiction- that he really did exist in your life.

Uncovering the lid of the time capsule revealed your photographs from the rollercoaster you both screamed your hearts out on, the picnic in the hills by your homes in a spot no one else knew about except you and him, and the photo-booth strips of the both of you pulling stupid faces at the camera with props adorned all over your heads.

You’re unsure of what it was about the contents inside that really struck you with uncontrollable tears and wallow; possibly the naivety plastered on your face while you giggled, the moment of bliss frozen in time. More likely the anniversary gift you never had the chance to give him, a custom guitar pick you had bought for him engraved with your initials. Cheesy, but the thought of being so excited to pour your heart out on a gift you never got the chance to give lands your head buried in to your knees which were slowly becoming damp with tears.

The last time you ever let yourself cry so hard over Choi Beomgyu was at Kai’s house the following summer. Simply a call from him to visit before he leaves for Uni after he graduated. A soft knock on his door and it swung open, displaying to your eyes his cheerful expression that started to diminish in to a more solemn pitying glance once he saw you. It was evident he could tell you were still hurt and it was evident that whatever he was planning on handing over to you now probably wasn’t the best idea.

“What are you hiding from me, Kai?” A hand reaches up to scratch the back of his neck in self-conflict, unsure of whether or not to show whatever ‘forbidden’ item he had to you.

“I think you’re better off not having it actually, you don’t look so great right now Y/N.” He shies away from your stare knowing he’s hit a nerve. And something snaps in you because it only hurts you further that wherever you go the remains of his impact on you still show on your face, that no matter what you do to get over him people will always tie you back to him, like you can’t move on without being constantly reminded of what Choi Beomgyu once was to you.

“Show it to me Kai, please.” You hated to admit that you sound weak but you hated to admit more the way your face drops at the box he hands over to you. The box you, yeonjun, kai and choi beomgyu had kept in the club room filled with the sd cards of his digital camera and dvd cassettes of band practices.

“I figured you might’ve wanted them for safekeeping now that the club room’s been wiped of everything, I-I’ve got the dvd player going if you want to watch it, it would be nice to revisit those times.”

You nod gently before kicking your shoes off at the entrance and wandering in to his bed room where he kept his small figurines and boyish posters in trash bags ready to be disposed of.

"Kai, you really liked that show, why are you throwing all of your collectibles away?" There's a frown that only seems to become more extreme as you dig through the bag of old plushies and figurines he's kept since you first met him.

"I didn't want to throw them away at first, but I'm grown now..it's embarrassing to bring these with me to Uni.. you know that. And plus it's been ages since the club room fell apart, I matured a lot in that time too." Kai was always viewed as a little brother that you and Choi Beomgyu quote-on-quote 'raised', yet to see him now a fair few inches taller and more mature you can't help but feel shameful that everyone beside you has moved on already, leaving you stuck in the past in the club room with a playful Kai and Yeonjun, leaving you stuck with the craving of Choi Beomgyu's return behind.

Before your thoughts got to the worst of you the cassette was loaded by shaky hands and your glossy eyes fixed on to the static of the tv revealing a young Yeonjun, Kai, You and Choi Beomgyu in front of the camera- all laid out on the couch toppled and fanned over each other in a mess.

‘What’s this for gyu?’ You asked with a tongue stuck out at the camera.

‘He said it’s a secret. Who knows what he’s going to do with videos of me..” The older boy shudders at the thought jokingly which launches you both in to laughing and slapping Choi Beomgyu lightly on the back.

‘Well whatever it is, I’m sure Beomgyu hyung has his own reasons.’

‘Tbc’ flashes on the tv screen at the end which cues you to coo at how cute Kai was in these old outdated videos. Part of you wants to thank Choi Beomgyu for wanting to document all of this, especially when Kai slotted in the next cassette labelled ‘for her’

The video started with the light strumming of guitar (which you assumed was his own original piece) and Kai struggling to zoom in on his face, awkwardly fiddling with the camera before letting it rest at an angle.

‘Hi love,’

Two words. All that you wanted to hear in the past year and a bit without Beomgyu.

Two words from the voice that you’re slowly starting to forget.

‘I wanted to wish us a happy anniversary, to our second year of being together as a couple, and not just stuck to each other’s side. By the time you’re seeing this I would have gotten my hair cut already- it’s getting long now and I know you like it better when it’s neater so that it doesn’t get tangled in your rings I gifted you.

There’s a lot that I want to say: first how proud I am of you. I don’t think I got the chance to tell or show you how shocked I felt when you confessed to me out of the blue, I think you’re admirable really, even if you’re a bit lightheaded at times. Second, how much I love you. I’ve said this before loads of times but there’s never a time when i’m not thinking about you and never a time where I can imagine a future without you being part of it. You're so important to me to the point I feel guilty for not being able to be as great of a lover as you are to me. Back to the main point of this tape... I hope you remember my promise I made on that day; it’s special- okay? I’ve put a lot of effort in to preparing a song that I want to dedicate to us only... Kai and I haven’t decided a name on it yet but we wanted to name it after you, so happy anniversary beautiful, I love you.

Beomgyu out.‘

By the time the dvd ends with Choi Beomgyu singing the lyrics of a slow ballad he wrote for you, the locks that held your own emotional stability let the tears escape and fall from your eyes again- staining your shirt in the process,

you can’t grasp why he left when he dedicated so much time in to showing his love in his own discreet ways, what you did that was so terrible he couldn’t stand being with you anymore and where you went wrong.

There’s no logic in learning to move on from someone you loved so fulfillingly when you’ve spent over half of your life dependent on them. Could you even resent him? You wish you could..but for all you know he could be hurt, or he could be living his best life he's always dreamt of without you and you don’t know what’s arguably worse,

Because you can feel it, the distaste that remains on your tongue that gets stronger the more you start to resent him, a constant reminder of his own selfishness and a reflection of what he had turned you in to by leaving. Yet you can't bring yourself to hate him, not until you can get the closure on what made him want to leave what you had so desperately and never come back, not until you can see with your own eyes that he's alive and well.

Telling your self one thing.

That no matter what, you wouldn't be able to love Choi Beomgyu the same way again.

"Can you copy up some of the files I've sent you? Management needs it for a product showcase later." Sae whirls the mixture of warm milk and instant coffee in her mug mundanely before leaning on the counter of the rest station to complain to you about the intern she's supervising.

"I also need you to ask Kazuha if she can cover my shift on Monday, I've got plans with my boyfriend to go see the movies."

Your responses don't vary much outside of agreeing hums and polite nods but you enjoy being in Sae's presence, her long talks bringing some form of entertainment in your boring office job.

"Speaking of which, are you seeing anyone right now? Come onnn I know there has to be someone who has the hots for you in the department. Oh and plus you have the high school reunion that Kai's been begging you to go for the past month !! What do you think of Kai?? Doesn't he give you that puppy-dog kind of vibe?? I think you should try-"

The stern tone in your voice cuts her off immediately,

"It's fine Sae really..I'm not that in to functions anyways and Kai's like a bro-"

A head of brunnete hair peeps in to the door of the rest station, grinning ear-to-ear to which makes you roll your eyes in exhaustion.

"Did I hear you talking about me?? Does this mean you're considering coming to the reunion with me? Pretty please Y/N-"

"For the last time no, Kai, you know I don't like going to these sorts of things." You shrug and look back at Sae who's busy making melodrama scenarios in her head, visibly geeking at the thought of you and Kai.

"But Yeonjun hyung will be there, he's coming back from Seoul, you wanna see him too right?" Kai pleads.

"Yeah, listen to Kai ! Go to the function ! Go to the function !"

Truth be told, you don't want to be back there. You don't want to revisit the people who saw you at your lowest 5 years ago when he first left you, it irks you to think back on it. But it's so rare to see Yeonjun who only revisits your small hometown once or twice a year, especially when he's now thriving running a successful dance school and creating choreographies for record labels, he doesn't even have time to message you or Kai with how busy he is- so you know how important it is to show up when he has time.

Sighing, you give in to their pleas and agree on a time for Kai to pick you up from your apartment. You couldn't imagine him or Sae happier as she shoos you back to your desk to finish your piles of work on time for her to plan an outfit and prepare you for your 'biggest event in months', forcing you to type away spreadsheets of work until your fingers ached and swelled.

Surprisingly Sae's advice (forcing you) to finish work quickly kept handy as you submitted in your last document. The week flashed by in an instant and now at 2.pm on a Saturday you were ready to clock off.

The tapping of your heels echoed behind as you walked outside of the building's entrance to wait for Kai's jeep to roll up, giving you time to think.

Something really minor that you noticed was Kai's shift in attitude towards going to the reunion as if a week ago he wasn't begging at your feet to accompany him, to avoiding any talk about the reunion; instead circling around the idea of just going to a bar with Yeonjun as the three of you. You brush it off as Kai overly worrying for your own wellbeing which only makes you want to prove yourself to him more by going, hoping to save some face.

And still when you enter the quiet space of his car and lean against the back rest he asks you again,

"are you sure you still wanna go? I feel like I've forced something on to you that you're uncomfortable with.." the only thing you can focus on is the subtle frown his lips have automatically formed and the quieter voice he uses when he's upset or overly guilty over nothing.

"I'm sure Kai," you chuckle lightheartedly, " I think we should get going to my place or else Sae's going to give us an earful for locking her out."

The attempt to lighten the mood works because the ride home is smoother with small-talk between you and the younger male blabbing on about company gossip and badmouthing some of the classmates that had scandalous school lives who might be showing up to the reunion.

Conversations come to an end when he parks outside of your apartment to give a quick thumbs up that he'll be there to collect you in about 3 hours. Sae's quick eye runs down the flight of stairs to hug and spin you around in excitement-

"You didn't back out this time girl!! Come on come onnn, open the door I want to show you the outfit I prepared." You cringe at all sorts of outfit combinations coming in to mind; analysing her own personal style the key accessory to the outfits you think she's planned for you is a bralette and optionally a skirt and underwear and bangles- nothing that you'd really like to show up in to a high school reunion.

Jangling your keys to unlock the doors to your apartment Sae dashes to your bed before pulling out strips and bits of fabric and patterns and dresses out of her pocket-sized designer bag. Assuming she's been gifted a lot by her boyfriend and spending her promotion pay on a new wardrobe you can only admire at the rows of meticulously planned outfits suited for the reunion, and finally you can understand why she's so highly praised in the office as a fashion goddess.

Once your three hours are up and your eyes are starting to dry from the mascara you've applied in a rush you scurry downstairs with Sae following behind snapping a couple pictures for 'memories'.

You were dressed head to toe in a sleek white cardigan and a miniskirt, wielding a purse you had been gifted by Yeonjun on your birthday which adorned your bracelets. Kai's already leaned against his car in a beige flannel and tank paired with loose jeans held up by a leather belt: his hair is lazily styled with volume mousse to accentuate a couple of his brunette curls.

"W-Woah..Sae did a great job, you did too of course.. I like the uhh-lashes, they make you really stand out."

"I know right ?? She's practically glowing today !!" Sae giggles and rushes you into the passenger seat before pulling out a dangling necklace from her pocket.

Your heart drops.

"I saw it in the jewellery box earlier, I think the gold will really compliment your top!!!"

Of course, you don't dare to ruin her high spirits that the necklace she had just handed to you was your ex's first anniversary gift; a small pendant containing a diamond which rested between your collar bones as she clasped it on. You didn't want to project your own insecurities and sound immature by crying over a necklace your ex had given you when realistically it should mean nothing but a simple accessory to you now considering he's been a ghost for 5 years to you. So you let it dangle around your neck meaninglessly on the car ride to the restaurant the reunion was being hosted at.

Immediately upon entry the two of you are greeted with loud hollering and cheers from fuzzy faces you can barely piece together, Steve from your sciences, Yuna who was in the home room next to you and Sohyun who joined your maths class halfway through the year:

"Hey guys look who's here !! Kai and Y/N!! They really lucked it out with the club room..they used to sell candy and pirated games there remember?!!"

The memory makes you mentally facepalm as you greet the large group gathered already, 1-2 shots in to the night and laughing and conversing as you make your way to sit down at two empty seats with Kai facing Yeonjun and next to you.

"It's been a while you idiot, how's work goin'? The older male's voice booms louder than usual, already appearing to be slightly tipsier than usual before coddling at you and leaning over to squish your cheeks which you argue over 'ruining your base'.

"Rare seeing you at a place like this hm, did you come just to see me? God I raised you two so... well.." His speech started to slur as he took another sip out of his glass, the connotation of being the same level of maturity as Kai shakes you a bit, but if you were Kai you'd probably feel this way too when you talk about how cute and angel-like he was when he first knocked on your club room door- still a child in your eyes.

Yeonjun pours you a shot amidst the loud chatting and cheers from drinking games which leaves your head to zone out and tune in with the beat of the background cacophany of shrieks and chants, interrupted by the jingling of bells as the doors of the restaurant opens to reveal another face you doubt you'll recognise.

However your head doesn't cease to turn when the sudden loudness becomes nearly mute almost comedically before someone exclaims,

"What the fuck man!? Beomgyu's here too?"

You don't know how to explain what you feel next. A million thoughts and emotions flooding your head as you turn your head around almost shakingly to face the entrance of the restaurant where he stood: leaned back in a graphic tee and baggy jeans hung low around the drip of his waist, his jawline was sharper after gradually losing the baby fat in his face and now opted for black styled bangs instead of the mute shoulder length middle part he made his signature hairstyle through out your youth, noticeably taller and more masculine too specifically in his shoulders which are broader. It only makes you realise how much time has passed since you last saw him, it only makes you want to run up to him and wrap your arms around him and never let go in case he vanishes again before you know it. But the only thing you can focus on, and what everyone else can focus on, is the daintier hand eloped around his arm, a petite girl with pink dyed hair and ribbon pigtails, she was cute, awfully cute which only stirred unease deep inside you.

It's like instinct that the first thing you both do is search and analyse each other, eyes locking for a split second before he calmly dismisses the mass amounts of questions asking about where he's been all along and swerving over to sit snug next to a drunken Yeonjun, directly facing you.

"My mann, Gyu !! You showed up geez look at you now- nearly taller than me. I wanted to go out for drinkss together last time but.. you knoww I got called up by my director n' couldn't make it."

There's a wave of surprise that rushes through your blood in the way that Yeonjun converses with Choi Beomgyu- like they've been in contact daily for ages, and you- you didn't know about it.

"Listen up everyone, Gyu's been one of my closest friends since forever in high school, I recently got in touch with him in Seoul half a year ago so let's give a toast to him and his girlfriend Lilith, yeah?"

No one bothers to hide the gossiping and muttering evidently about you and Beomgyu's new girlfriend- pitying you for being left behind and unable to date someone new in this small town or comparing you to the younger girl by his side now. Your blood runs cold as you reach out for your cup for the toast before Kai sets your hand down, offering to toast for you instead.

If you didn't look in time you would've missed it. The twitch in his eye as he watched you and Kai exchange gestures together, not bothering to waste any time in asking Kai a question,

"Both of you are dead silent you know, don't ya miss me? Beomgyu?? Fuck man we've spent years together and none of you wanna speak up or ask me something? You two look real close."

The pride in his face makes your blood boil at the lack of consideration for the fact that he's been missing and ghosting you for 5 years only to return with an even more insensitive comment??!! All that wants to leave your mouth is a string of curses but Kai interrupts, clearing his throat,

"We're doing fine, better actually. You?"

Anyone who can see or hear can sense the rigid tension on your table as Yeonjun downs his shots away becoming drunker and more absent in the conversation.

"Oh really?" Beomgyu snaps back, "That's funny to hear..I've been doing good too, especially with Lilith by my side, we met at a company dinner and she's been a blessing ever since."

The contrast between the 'awwws and cooing at his relationship reveal and the nauseating feeling rising in the pit of your stomach makes you all the more sickly; watching him intertwine his fingers with hers to flash an engagement ring, a rock size a woman can only dream of, on Lilith's finger, not yours. You obnoxiously stare at the ring, a bit too long.

'When I start a successful band I'll make sure the first thing I do is buy you a ring, make sure everyone knows I'm yours.'

'Well I want a radiant shaped ring, think you can do that Mr. all bark no talk?" You giggle

You stare at the exact model dazzling on her finger, radiant and glistening under the ambient lighting of the restaurant. There's no appetite in you anymore, there's enough to stomach already as you watch Lilith giggle when Beomgyu whispers in her ear- it's jealousy that bubbles in you- ugly and disdainful. You feel sour for thinking this way- for wanting to believe that you should be in her place.

The anger and resentment that you've buried deep within you over the last 5 years tilts on edge, veins probably popping on your neck and hand with how tight you're clutching on to your purse.

Beomgyu is only amused by your reaction, a smug grin shamelessly written all over his face as he watches you tremble almost mockingly, degrading you with only his gaze which focuses on the inexpensive necklace his teen self had gifted you still resting around your neck in ridicule compared to the luxury ring around his new lover's finger.

"I'm Lilith in case you forgot, I really love your necklace- where'd you get it from lovely?"

Beomgyu cuts you off before you can get out your first words as if he knew you'd say something insensitive to his so-precious girlfriend,

"That's Y/N, you've heard about her." Your brow furrows at him as you watch the distinct difference in Lilith's body language; now instead of choosing to engage in conversation, is ignoring you and flaunting her affection for Beomgyu: running her fingers across his back and ruffling his hair lghtly, even going as far as to kissing him on the lips on full display in your direction to irritate you- to show that she's now the centre of his attention, that she's his muse.

And it works, greatly so because you can't bear with the humiliation being thrown on to you so explicitly. Within seconds you're unclasping your necklace and launching the edged metal directly towards Lilith's face aggravatingly followed by your untouched shot of alcohol causing her to shriek and flail which left the table in uproar. The chair screeches against the cold floor as you strut towards the door in anger,

"If you love my necklace so bad you can keep it because your cheater of a boyfriend gifted it to me anyways."

Regret settles in as you storm outside, you can just about hear Beomgyu and Kai arguing as you walk further and further away, drowning out the sound of your surroundings with your own thoughts, leaving you with black-dyed tears that started to run down your cheeks without you even realising it.

You're about to reach a red light when an arm yanks you hard with brute force,

"What the fuck has gotten in to you? We haven't seen each other in 5 years and now you wanna be a whining bitch?" Choi Beomgyu looks outraged and the grip on your arm only gets stronger at your silence.

"What do you think Beomgyu? Seriously I can't tell if you're playing stupid or if you really are fucked in the head. You leave me out of no where to move to God knows where to return 5 years later with a new fiancee? If I were any smarter I should've realised sooner how eager you were to move on to another woman behind my back. You didn't even try to answer or call me, you didn't even try to give me a reason for why you left and now you want to reenter the life I've gotten used to without you just to mock me right in my face that you've found someone new to toy with?"

There's no stopping the tears that fail to keep put in your tear ducts, constantly rolling out one-by-one as you avoid making eye contact with him knowing that you might just collapse in to sobbing again like you did when you first visited his house after he left.

"Look I didn't mean to mov-"

"Yeah because suddenly moving out of nowhere is a great excuse for you to ghost me for 5 years, I left everything the exact same as it is begging for you to contact me one day. Because suddenly moving out of nowhere somehow excuses our photos that you dumped in to the pile of trash outside of your house the week you left? How am I supposed to believe you even ever loved me when you couldn't even hide your disgust for me in the first place? Why did you even say yes to my confession if all you were going to do is leave me in the end anyways? What was the point Choi Beomgyu, fucking tell me?!!"

"How can I tell you if you're going to cut me off to bitch on about something irrelevant? I did love you for all I and everyone else knows I don't get why you're trying to make shit up when I put so much effort in to the relationship and this is what I get back? What? Because we're exes that gives you the excuse to humiliate my fiancee in front of strangers now, do you know how crazy and attached you look? It's been five years Y/N why can't you leave it as a mistake we made when we were young?"

Your sniffles only become obscenely louder as your eyes widen at his audacity to brush off his disappearance so lightly, as if you didn't waste months searching for him in every corner of the town, as if you didn't stay up all night trying to find out what could've happened to him, like you didn't matter to him as much as he mattered to you.

"You've changed too Y/N. Always refusing to come to these kinds of dinners and now you're clinging on to another man and trying to seduce others aren't you?

The silence triggers him to speak insensitively again,

"You're jealous, aren't you? You're so stuck in the past you can't let me go, you can't let us go, going so far to accuse me of cheating- it's been 5 years.. I'm sure you've been slutting yourself out to Kai while I was gone anyways so don't be all sensitive and crying now because I decided to move on," He kisses his teeth before speaking again, " We were never going to work out Y/N, we both know that. We were just experimenting as kids so don't get hung up on it and don't bother trying to interfere with my life now either. There's nothing between us."

Tears still continue to fall from your reddened eyes, the mix between a disappointed and angry expression on his face while he judges your crying only makes you cry harder, a hand reaching up to wipe your eyes and cover your face to avoid any more embarrassment.

Choi Beomgyu huffs and spins on his heel to head back towards the restaurant- probably to go comfort Lilith after the whole fiasco- before making one last remark with his back turned to you as he walks away,

"And I wasn't trying to ghost you by moving all of a sudden, I just didn't want to burden you with long distance, I didn't want to be such a fucking nuisance in your life like I am in everyone else's."

To that you muster up all the strength you have between hiccups and sobs to shout back at him,

"I never asked for you to love me back. I would've preferred if you had just told me straight up that you couldn't bear it Beomgyu. I waited every single day, for you to come back t. I watched the cassette tape you left for our second anniversary every night just to hear your voice because you were gone for so long I was starting to forget it. If anything you're all that I want to forget right now. Did you even bother to think about how I felt when you left?

For fuck's sake Beomgyu, " You sniffle,

"I thought you were dead..."

He stops in his tracks and for a minute you think the old Beomgyu would return, the Beomgyu that would write little love letters and slide them to you during lessons, the Beomgyu that would offer you a piggy-back ride home whenever your legs felt weak, the Beomgyu who would've given up the whole world just to be with you.

But he walks on, in silence, refusing to turn back around as he keeps direct on the path back to the restaurant.

Your fists clench as you scream at the top of your lungs loud enough to hear from the distance,

"Fine then. I'll consider you dead. The Choi Beomgyu I know would rather die than be shit like you."

Rain started to downpour heavily almost cinematically as you crouched in the middle of the side walk unable to move from the spot that changed everything. With your tear stained face buried in to your neck you crouch, hoping that at some point you'll wake up from a bad dream. But there's anything but peace in your head right now to even fall asleep, his words constantly ringing in your head; "We were never going to work out." a constant reminder of how naive you were for bothering to confess your feelings in the first place.

Although suddenly the rain stopped even as it continued to pitter-patter all around you. Moving your neck to see an umbrella with Kai crouched under it too to meet you at eye-level.

"Fuck don't look Kai it's embarrassing-"

"Cry. I feel like you pent up all your feelings nowadays and it's hard to see you vent out these emotions even to me. It's okay to cry, I promise there's no judgement in me, Y/N. We can stay here for a bit, you can cry all you want, I'll listen."

The brunette removes his flannel to drape around you to prevent you from catching a cold, a warm hand holding on to yours as he waits patiently.

"Kai, do you think I'm selfish?"

His eyes widen before returning back to normal at your question, immediately reaching to comfort you as you sobbed all over Sae's shirt.

"I think you're more selfless than anyone I've ever met, in fact I think that jerk is the selfish one, could he give up 5 years of his life to wait for anyone that he loves?"

And it's like your wails never stop until you reach your apartment at half 1 in the morning, Kai carrying you up the stairs to your flat after spending nearly two hours talking and consoling you in the rain, you were bound to both be ill tomorrow, but all that he can focus on is his own guilt.

He should've told you that he would've been there.

He should've never dragged you to the reunion in the first place.

So he does what's logical to him, send Yeonjun a quick message.

You: What made you think it was a good idea to invite him? You knew she would've been upset by it.

Yeonjunnie: It's about time that she moves on, she needs that exposure or else she'll be dreading it the rest of her life.

Yeonjunnie: The hangover's starting 2 kick in, i'll msg you later

You: You know it was wrong of you to do this, to set her up like that.

You: We'll talk another time.

Groggily you wake up in your bed in the same clothes reeking of alcohol as you did yesterday, rubbing your eyes to clear your vision only to spot a sleeping Kai resting at the edge of your bed.

You've never been more grateful for the younger boy beside you, he truly felt like your last resort at this point, he really lived up to his nickname; angel.

The buzzing of the phone and the flood of messages trying to instigate something out of the act you put on last night makes you groan in frustration, desperate to rip your hair out in shame. Why on earth would you pull a stunt like that? Now everyone thinks you're obsessed with this lousy Choi Beomgyu and his girlfriend!!

Little did you know the whole of last night Beomgyu couldn't rest either. Constantly arguing non-stop with Lilith at the hotel they booked. He's been arguing with her almost daily ever since they got together out of convenience. From the moment his dad had fallen in to huge debt and was forced to move in to Seoul to work under Lilith's family to repay it, he's been ushered in to trying to make connections between their families ever since. Especially with his mom's sudden illness from stress, hooked up to the machines and needing vital treatment, he knows better than anyone else that he'd be unable to leave you with such overwhelming news, instead choosing to settle his debts with Lilith- who's giving him an earful all the time.

"Ugh she- she's not even your fiancee Gyu !! I am !! Did you really have to humiliate me by making even more of a scene chasing after your ex-girlfriend like a lost dog? I had strangers comfort me because my own boyfriend couldn't!!"

Beomgyu cusses under his breath before leaning over the balcony with a cigarette between his lips- a bad habit he had picked up in order to escape from the petty arguments his 'fiancee' always wanted to pick, the whole engagement ‘act’ made him want to puke in revolt.

A part of him shattered when he saw you crying for the first time in 5 years because of him. So deeply wretched and hurt by his words that he said out of anger, spouted out of spite.

Beomgyu can never find balance in himself; he's always felt like a burden to the people around him, he knows that if you saw the habits he picked up while working to pay back the debt his family owed you'd be hurt even more.

He's become insensitive trash. Visible in the differences between the two of you as you both matured so distinctively. You didn’t change at all, you still kept on to fragments of him, the tape recordings, the necklace, everything, and he felt like shit. Forced to take family photos and attend business dinners with a woman he despises, his dad slaving away for her family who trapped them in to debt in the first place and a mom who he couldn’t even talk to for the first 2 years of moving because she was so ill from shock. There’s no escape from the fact that he’s practically useless to everyone around him.

So he thought, he thought that you would be better off with someone unlike him- someone like Kai who could deal with his own issues much better than he can and still prioritise and love you without hurting you like he does because of his own incompetence.

And he regrets it so so much, how vile he was insulting you when he would never dream of even muttering those words to you in any universe, becoming too extreme to even slut shame you when he knows you're the purest person at heart, he knows you better than anyone.

He at least knew you better than anyone. But he knows he's fucked it all up to apologise to you now, cut too deep to ever rekindle the love he still has for you…he's gone too far with his hateful words.

"Are you even listening to me?!"

"Let's break it off."

"What??"

"The engagement, let's break it off. The debt's been paid off hasn't it?"

"Are you seriously pulling this because you saw your old teenage girlfriend at a reunion? Are you fucking kidding me Gyu- she threw her drink on me!!"

"It’s not like we’re engaged out of love anyways. I'd never spare a look in the direction of someone in the likes of you. My mom's last treatment session is this Friday, so there's no need for us to stay is there?" He scoffs blatantly, taking a drag out of his cigarette- a bad habit he'd picked up on that he knows you'd hate.

The smoke ascends in to the current of cold air, ashes from the burnt edge dusting off on to the marble of the hotel balcony."Tell me what she said to you today Beomgyu ?? What did she say that makes you not want to marry me anymore- thi-this is outrageous are you insane??" Lilith crosses her arms and leans against the door of the balcony, irritated by Beomgyu's silence with his back towards her.

"Hah? What makes you so confident she even wants you back Beom? Any woman who wants to go back to a man who ditched her in this shithole is stupid, you have me here already so why do you keep looking in her direction? You only have me Beom, what don't you get?" She unties her ribbon pig-tails and runs a slender hand through her hair before walking up to Beomgyu, a hand snaking around his waist as she presses her tiny face to the small of his back with fake sniffles.

"I'll forgive you Beom..it's okay. Just apologise and I'll-"

"I can’t stand being under the same roof as you. I despise it more than anything. You know well that if you didn't interfere I wouldn't have left, I would've sat by her side at the dinner with her instead of the whiny bitchy act you keep putting up at the table.

Don't even try calling me, I'm sure there's other men you can find with your grandaddy." The force exerted on Lilith's hand as Beomgyu breaks from her grip is great enough to make her yelp and clutch at her wrist, starting to bruise as she shouts with a more authentic drag of her voice,

"Fuck you Choi Beomgyu you jerk!!"

Storming out of the hotel room late at night his feet drag him to the only place he knows best, landing him at your parent's house with a weak greeting hoping that your mom would show him some mercy considering he’s slept in your room for half of his life.

She welcomes him in without thought seeing the redness that’s starting to tinge his eyes.

“It’s been a long time Beommie, how have you been?” Her wrinkled hands pours a warm cup of Jasmine tea which is pushed towards him,

“Have you seen Y/N yet? She’s been looking for you ever since you left you know- you were best friends.”

His heart pangs with even more guilt, refusing to look your mother in the eye knowing he’ll only beat himself up more for something he can’t fix.

“I haven’t seen her yet..it’s probably better that way, I don’t look the greatest.” He jokes with a salty taste in his mouth unable to tell her how horribly he spoke to her daughter, his love.

“Beommie, tell me what’s happened, why did you leave? Why did you come back? I’m sure you had other plans in this small town.” And all he can do is bawl and crash down the moment he starts speaking, telling her about the debt, about his mother’s condition, about his job, about Lilith and about you, oh what he’s done to you.

In the corner of his eye he can just about peep the time capsule the two of you had made together jutting out jarringly under the couch.

All he can think about is the regret and guilt he feels for letting himself become such a hot mess at the cost of losing you when you're the last thing he wanted to lose, the lovestruck photos of the two of you messily stuck on to flimsy cardboard only twisted the knife further.

Beomgyu doesn't ever cry- you could say he doesn't show his vulnerable side to anyone but you because even when he had to move out of the very town he grew up in because of debt he never cried, even when his mom was hospitalised he never cried, yet every single time he catches himself missing your embrace he can’t restrain the urge to cry.

Cry like he's never let out any of his emotions before.

Cry until he's numb from the hurt of letting you go.

In fact, you probably didn’t notice today that he cried as he walked away; tears burning and streaming down his cheeks the moment he saw your emotions so raw, so vulnerable, so pained by him. The immense guilt he had observing the way your throat scratched abrasively as you shouted and scolded him deservingly.

He never planned to be so horrible to you,

He only wanted to deter you from being hurt even more by him,

yet it backfired, spitting insults far worse than he could control, regretting every decision, every word, every action that had hurt you.

There's nothing that hits worse than self realisation after the argument,

that Choi Beomgyu is a fool,

the lowest of the low for ever treating you like this.

“Kai you have to wake up now, I need to collect a couple side dishes from my mom.”

Usually he’d take a couple more nudges before fully waking but this time he’s on full alert- worryingly asking if you felt okay.

Then again, Kai’s always been the alert type. Always making sure that he’d be the first to knock on your door the moment you messaged that you were sick, hand carrying all sorts of medicine and porridge. You’d think that you were diseased with a terminal illness with how much he panics over these things.

“Auntie wants you to collect some side dishes again?”

“Yeah, I bet she’s made too much food for the neighbours and now she’s handing it all down to me.”

Your attempt to joke doesn’t land because Kai stills looks at you with worry- having a six sense built in to him so that he knows when something’s wrong.

“I’ll come with you too, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her.”

The drive gives you a peace of mind as you step outside of Kai’s jeep to push open the paint-chipped gates which creaked with even the slightest touch, “Do you reckon you could get this repainted for us one day?”

“Don’t push it now,” he laughs, “your mom would kill me if she saw me doing all the work while you watch your dramas.”

“Stop trying to get on my mom’s good side seriously !! You make me look like a shit daughter” you replied, knocking on the door expecting to see your mom with a basket full of fruits and side dishes she’s cooked.

Right as you knock the second time the door creaks open, except your mom is not 5’11 with short unkempt hair with the first sign of stubble emerging from her chin, she’s far from it.

You bite on your lip hard enough to draw blood, watching Choi Beomgyu emerge out of the door disheveled and in a trance.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!!” You grunt shoving past him which signals him to raise his hands in the air, “Mom?? Are you here?”

“Look- I didn’t do anything to your mom I just happene-“

”Yeah right.” Kai shoves in to his shoulder as he walks past through the doors causing Beomgyu to scowl. Out of all the people you could see today, why him after you argued so feistily yesterday?

“Be nice to Beomgyu will you?” your mom asks concerningly around the corner, “you never stop making a ruckus do you? It’s been years since you’ve seen each other cut him some slack.”

“I would if he didn’t disappear for 5 years and decide to return and think he can storm all over what’s mine on a random Sunday.”

Beomgyu shifts uncomfortably by the door, choosing not to speak in case he opens his mouth recklessly again.

“Well he’s going to be staying here for the next couple of days before he goes back so why don’t you help clean out the house, hm? You’ve got Kai to help you too.”

You feign defeat as you drag yourself up the stairs to look for the hoover, Kai following behind before Beomgyu could even intercept; expressionless in every manner as he greets him out of politeness.

It’s like a breath of fresh air again away from Beomgyu, who although was bothered snd full of shit yesterday is quiet and meek today. You search inside the dust-filled storage room for the hoover,

“Fuck!” pricking yourself slightly in the process over a nail embedded in a plan of wood inflicting you to yelp was not how you wanted your day to go at all, looking down at the small wound with furrowed eyebrows and half annoyance half pain.

“Show me that.”

“What’s gotten in to you?! It’s fine.” You brush off Beomgyu’s arm which gripped on to your hand with a scowl, staring intently at the small wound starting to clot.

“Just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care about yo-“

“Save it, Beomgyu. I heard all that you wanted to say yesterday.”

“Y/N can you come here for a sec?” From the distance Kai shouts out cinematically in time, waving a hand in the air to call you over giving you the opportunity to shake your hand from Beomgyu’s grasp to shift to whatever dilemma he's got now.

“Can you help me open the paint lid? Think it’s a bit jammed.”

“Hah!! You’re so weak Kai seriously it’s nothing..” You retract your laughter the moment you attempt to remove the lid, shut tight around the ridges impossible to remove like the sword in the stone.

”Quit being so embarrassing!”

“I’m not !! You definitely gave me this to open to embarrass me on purpose !!”

Laughing, you ruffle Kai’s hair affectionately, trying to hush his wild laughter fit so your mom doesn’t think you’ve bloody murdered him upstairs.

Beomgyu’s eyebrows knit together as he watches the subtle glint in Kai’s eye as he tucks your hair behind your ears and laughs, one that makes him sick to his stomach as he watches the soap opera you both are putting on display in what he can only describe as jealousy.

His eye twitches at Kai who notices the audience watching, choosing to court you more obnoxiously as he tucks a strand behind your ear and whispers small jokes, unnecessarily touching your hands whenever he could and finding any opportunity to distract you from Beomgyu.

Beomgyu wanted you to have someone better, someone like Kai. But the anger that resides within him refuses to leave as he grabs the hoover and walks past the both of you in a berating silence, an expressionless face and heavy trodding down the stairs.

"Always in a mood, gosh." Kai handles the now-opened cans of paint and signals you to carry the other hues of green that were definitely straining on the muscles in your hand.

To put it short, Kai's emasculate build has its pros because he carries the tins of paint down the stairs like light work while you lag behind, still finishing the last couple of sets of stairs.

"We need to talk."

"Oh my god fuck!!" Exclaiming in surprise you don't even register the blotches of forest green splattered across your face and baby doll top from launching your occupied hands in to the air. Once again at the crime scene rests Choi Beomgyu who becomes startled the minute he realises his mistake.

"I didn't mean to do that."

"I got it Choi. Just go to my room and fetch me a shirt I need to change out of my top..."

There's a slight sulk on your face as you wipe your hand across the paint (which only smudges and widens the stain much to your annoyance) as Beomgyu hurries up the flights of stairs, Kai's worried voice sounding in the distance as he exclaims an "are you okay?"

Reaching your room which was overfilled with moving boxes and your dad's gardening gadgets made it feel more like a storage room despite the signature smell of your home in the very room you both had stayed in still lingering. Doors which creak at the handles when opened reveal the mix of grays, blues and whites in your wardrobe with a bold addition of black in to the mute tones.

It was his shirt. A loose, black graphic tee with a print that was starting to fade which he religiously wore to every band practice, ironed and well kept on a hanger.

He knows how you'll react to the shirt.

He knows he shouldn't do it.

But he rushes down the stairs anyway with the fabric clutched tight in his hands as he knocks on the bath room door.

"Come in.. you owe me big time because the stain isn't coming off-"

click-

Your head whiplashes around to the dooming sound of the door locking behind you- a towering Choi Beomgyu blocking it directly, arms crossed with a shirt tucked between them.

"I don't like that. Open it now Beomgyu this is weird.."

A glint of anticipation appears in his eyes, face contorting in to a grin which made your stomach churn, unsure of what to do in the situation as your mouth goes dry.

"Dropping the last name now huh?" You open your mouth to retaliate but all he does is flick the shirt open to reveal his graphic tee you've kept in your wardrobe for years. It's embarrassing how fast instincts kick in to grab at the shirt to hide it as if he hasn't seen that you've kept a lot of his stuff already, huffing out a "don't get any big ideas I can see it on your face, it's gross."

The attempts to shift past him to reach the door becomes futile which only makes you more agitated to see the shit eating grin still radiant on his face.

"Move it Beomgyu."

"You still want me..right?" In a state of complete shock you cross your eyebrows and look up at him and the audacious question he asked, not even sure if he's being completely honest asking you this when just yesterday he was so set on being a dick to you.

"I want the Choi Beomgyu I knew 5 years ago so move it."

"I'm sorry."

"I know that already it's just a top who gives a shit, stop acting like you care Beomgyu.

"No that's not it, listen to me." The huffs that come out of your mouth are direct evidence that you wanted to be anywhere but stuck in a room with Beomgyu now, the awkwardness between you starker than ever,

"I'm sorry, for what I said yesterday- I didn't mean it, you know that Y/N. You know I still care for you, I thought about you every single day after I left, and after seeing you yesterday while you were crying I went back to Lilith and I- I called off the engagement." He slowly clicks the door open again, preparing for you to leave, but you stay stuck in motion and in paralysis.

If your eyes weren't bulging out of your head earlier they definitely were now, words stuck in your throat and unable to escape as the familiar feeling of hot tears threaten to burn at your eyes again.

"I'm an idiot for saying such hurtful words something over came me..I was pent up about everything, about Lilith, about not seeing you earlier about Kai too- and I know I can't take back what I said and that you won't forget it so easily, I just wanted to make sure you know that I don't hate you. Actually we're not so different, Y/N, I still listen to those recorded calls we had together too, I still look back on the digital camera of us in our last year of high school, when I was away from this small town every single thing reminded me of you. Everything about me still revolves around you, so please don't resent me..." His voice croaks at the end with his head looking down at the bathroom tile, a singular tear hitting the floor in the silence, he waits for a reply which doesn't come out of your mouth at all, instead your lips quiver in sync with how you slightly shake.

You're unsure of what to say- there's not right answer to his apology, no right answer to his confession which can't blur the messy boundaries he's already crossed yesterday. It was like day and night and it boiled your blood how fast he can decide to change his mind as if he wasn't fuming at you yesterday like he wasn't missing for 5 years with no contact.

Slap!-

There wasn't even time for your answer before your palm instinctively reached to singe a red burn on his face which became redder with the minute, triggering a couple more droplets out of his reddening eyes to fall simultaneously on the cold tile.

"I can't even tell what you really think anymore Beomgyu," You choke, holding back on salty tears, "One moment you want to call me obsessed and a slut and the next, you're.. you want to tell me that I'm all you think about? Be honest Beomgyu. Do you really love me? Because I don't think anyone who says their world revolves around me would fucking leave me here for 5 years for no reason!! I'm begging you please, just be honest with me Gyu...don't..don't waste my time anymore." Glossy eyes damp with tears look up to his with raw sadness, the guilt in his face written all over the way his eyebrows raise and his jaw opens and closes like he wanted to say something, but he doesn't take the initiative to.

Without answering he walks closer towards you; a hand reaches up to wipe your tears away however you flinch and push him away which makes his heart sink, only now realising how badly he's hurt you to the full extent.

"I can't resent you Gyu you know that, I just don't understand what was so disgusting about me that made you want to leave, what made you want to get rid of me, why you left in the first place?" Spit from how fast you're talking runs down your chin as you begin to bawl uncontrollably again; you hate how bad you are at controlling your emotions given that every time you try to make a point your body just resorts to tears when it comes to Beomgyu.

Shock in all 5 tiers of regret floods over the male whose fists clench subtly, wanting to let you know that the reason for him leaving so suddenly was anything but being disgusted by you, it tortures him to see you beat yourself up over his own actions, his own foolish decisions.

"Please.. don't say that..I would never leave because of you. I left be-"

"What the fuck is going on here?" A concerned Kai bursts through the door leaving it weakly creaking, succumbing to his outraged behaviour- out of the ordinary for the usual 'angel' Kai.

Seeing the way Beomgyu has his hands clutching on to your shoulders for stability, his fingernails starting to penetrate the first layer of skin from how hard he was gripping on to you, and your reddened and sore tear-stained face Kai can only jump to conclusions.

In seconds he pulls Beomgyu off you and on to a nearby towel rack which causes him to slump on the floor and groan in agony, the force brute enough to leave bruises on his back the next day. Kai's hands wrap around your wrists and drag your weak-minded self out of the bath room and out towards his jeep.

"Kai! Kai! Let me go! Listen to me!" Attempting to shake off the grip on your wrist you knock in to him in the process, causing him to turn around and grab you by the shoulders gently afraid of causing you any discomfort.

"I didn't get to hear what he had to say-"

"Why do you let yourself do this? Why do you willingly listen to him try to shortcut out of his own responsibility for leaving you on your own when you end the conversation every time in tears? Why do you do this to yourself?"

His eyes, rimmed with quiet sorrow, watched as you reluctantly buckled in to the passenger seat, wiping your tears away with your arm, with a tenderness that spoke louder than words. His brows were drawn together, not in anger, but in a deep, aching concern, as if Kai could feel the weight of the your pain in his own chest.

"I'm taking you back to your place, okay? I'll let Auntie know. I just don't want you to be hurt by that jerk again, always searching for excuses."

Your head feels light as you roll down the window conflicted between Kai's advice and the truth behind Beomgyu's disappearance. You're not even sure if what he was going to tell you would change anything, so you ignore it, letting the thought drown out as background noise as you watch the view of the small town slowly transition into high-rise buildings and apartments through the window.

But just because you drowned it out as background noise doesn't mean you'd forget the what ifs with Beomgyu.

There were still feelings for him in you; buried under layers of protection and closing off your heart over the years, it's been pierced through and through every time you're reminded of him, how he left, how he returned, how he apologised- but you don't have the will power to resent him like you say you will, not when the bond you've had for over 15 years is still strong between the two of you, like it's fate that you were supposed to encounter Beomgyu through and through.

It's a dangerous game the two of you are playing, it's dangerous to think about crossing the wall you've built up between you and Beomgyu, dangerous to fall in love him again.

"Shit." Beomgyu curses under his breath and digs into the pockets of his ripped jeans to search for his pack of cigarettes, instead brushing over his phone which starts to ring as he gets back on his feet.

Beomgyu’s gaze flickers over the blue light of the screen as it buzzed in his hand, lit up with a simple, bold 'Dad'. His heart drops again, an unsettling feeling sweeping over him- like a weight pressing against his chest. He had always known that his dad’s calls weren’t casual check-ins or everyday conversations-there was always an undercurrent of something worrying; perhaps asking for more money, to visit Lilith's parents again to keep the deal going, something about his mom in between the lines of getting better or getting worse with her health. His thumb hovered over the screen, the decision to answer hanging in the air like a question he didn’t want to face. The familiar dread settled in his stomach, and for a brief moment, he considered letting it go to voicemail, but he knows he has to answer, he knows what it's like for everything to change over a phone call.

"What is it now?" He complains, a string of cursing, insults and scolding sounding out of the speaker, another meaningless complaint about Lilith wailing and running to her parents about his actions, how he's ruined it all for his family, for himself.

"Hurry over to the in-laws and apologise, I can't believe you decided to call off the engagement I worked so hard for you to have, you'd think I'd have a more grateful son for all that I've done for you."

The line cuts off eerily as Beomgyu dusts off his pants, unlocking the doors of his car as he walks out of the bathroom and in to the silent living room, limping slightly down the stairs. His head started to ache and fuzz his vision as he stepped out in to the yard of your home, unable to think properly before his eyelids closed down on him, the whole of his body weight dropping to the floor in an instant at great impact.

The first to discover his unconscious self was your mom who returned from the town market with a bag of groceries, immediately calling a flight of ambulances with sirens sounding through the usually quiet town, alarming and sparking worry among the locals who nosily peeked out of their windows to see the chaos surrounding Beomgyu who's strapped in to a stretcher and completely blacked out, slight wounds to his face as the paramedics loaded him in to the back of the emergency vehicle.

His pulse hammered in his ears, each beat louder than the last, and his body felt like it was drifting to the rhythmic beeping of the machines that surrounded him. Panic clawed at the edges of his consciousness, but he couldn’t summon the energy to push it away, struggling to find balance between keeping in and out of consciousness.

The next thing he knew, he was hooked to a network of drips and monitors, feeling weak in the hospital bed that confined him as the initial mumbling became clearer as he blinked away.

Despite the pain in his upper arm, he pushes himself up to sit straight, analysing his surroundings: a small empty vase, a heart rate monitor, a plain cream room that smelled of disinfectant and you and Kai, although he bore a more concerned look more than anything. He spotted your mother who comforted you through a series of pats on your back as you weeped with your head in your arms on the white bedsheets where his feet laid.

Him suddenly stirring awake startled you further as you rush to ask him a plethora of questions.

"Why didn't you tell me Beomgyu?" You hiccuped between sobs, the confusion still settling on his face as he tried to recall what had occured in the hours that he was unconscious,

"What am I doing here- I'm confused what's wrong with me?"

"You fainted at the doorstep of Auntie's house, you were unresponsive it gave her the shock of her life," Kai answers for you, his stern look from earlier filled with concern as he faces Beomgyu again,

"You have muscular dystrophy, Beomgyu."

Muscular dystrophy. Beomgyu’s body felt like it was sinking into the bed, as if the weight of the Kai's words were pulling him down deeper into a pit he couldn’t escape. Muscular dystrophy. The phrase echoed in his mind, each repetition more jarring than the last.

Beomgyu couldn’t process it, attempting to lift his arm, but it trembled, showing the first signs of progressing pain. His heart thudded painfully in his chest, a cruel reminder that everything was changing, that his life was slipping out of his control, exactly like how you did.

A fleet of nurses and doctors rush in to the room only to bombard him with another series of questions and information, shooing you, Kai and your mom out of the ward away from Beomgyu.

"We believe it's caused by genetics, your mother has the same condition as I'm sure you're aware. We've had a couple blood tests done and it's a miracle that the symptoms didn't show up earlier, probably in recession. You've been over-working yourself recently I'm guessing which must have led to a flare up in muscle fatigue and pain. It's important that you rest properly and aim not to damage your muscles too much because it'll only get worse. There's no cure for it, you'd know, but I can refer you to the hospital your mother is residing in right know for physiotherapy and a treatment plan- it's unfortunate that we don't have the right facilities for it."

The rest of the doctor's words enter one ear and out the other as Beomgyu is dazed, unable to process the information all at once, like the whole world was crashing down on him. He can't find the energy to answer apart from weak nods as he looks down at the state of his body; weak, sickly, deteriorating.

He can't accept reality,

He doesn't know what to do next at this point.

As you continue to sob in the waiting room, clutching on to Kai all you can focus on is how impatient you were with him, picking a fight and slapping him, only getting angry at him without even realising how detrimental it could've been to both his mental and physical state; you can't scrub your mind of the fact that you could've caused the flare up, that you could be so horrible to him when all he wanted to do was speak.

All you can think about is whether his apology was an attempt at soft launching you in to telling you about his condition, about how if you stayed to listen maybe you could've helped him out faster instead of storming out with Kai. The guilt is overbearing as you weep harder in to Kai's shoulder, who still can't comprehend why you care so much over Beomgyu when he's hurt you over and over again, why you still want to be the first to be there for him when he's never there for you.

But all of your dismantled thoughts come to a halt as Lilith's family strut through the door, completely unbothered and unashamed of their presentation as they walk in to his ward. Lilith sends a dirty look towards your direction in the process before following behind her parents.

The next few moments consist of shouting and arguing which wreaks havoc in the hospital when Lilith's family are escorted out shortly after, shouting "That fucking bastard tried to marry my daughter to a fucking paraplegic!! Let me go I need a talk with that damn boy for lying to us !!"

You can feel the guilt bubbling inside you as you take in the scene before you, a family of grown, rich adults who have nothing better to do than pick on a boy who just discovered he's had a genetic condition that will leave him struggling to stand soon all along, picking on your boy who aspired of starting his own band one day- now strapped to the hospital bed as he gets all sorts of testing done to him.

You hate being so sympathetic, you hate that all you can do is cry over Choi Beomgyu, cry for Choi Beomgyu, hurt over Choi Beomgyu and hurt for Choi Beomgyu.

You don't remember when he became off limits to visitors, the last memory being the day he fainted and you found yourself tossing and turning in bed, worried and stressed as visible eye bags formed under your eyes.

There was no answer as to why you were so impacted by it, you simply couldn't say anything other than you still loved him, that you still cared for him even after everything. That you can't let yourself hate him when he's already had his life flipped over, and even if you still couldn't understand why he had left you in the first place you were at least willing to care for him in a life where not even his parents wanted to see him, where his ex-fiancee's family couldn't bear to see him in his condition out of disgust.

So you can only imagine the way the blood drains out of your face one morning when your mom sits you down at breakfast, asking an innocent question,

"What time are you leaving today? I want to come too."

"I'm not working today? What, did we plan something together?”

She quirks a brow at your cluelessness before swallowing and asking,

"You didn't know? Beommie's going back to Seoul today, he's going to see a specialist who'll help him with his condition like his mother."

You couldn't see it coming. One minute you're arguing with him for the first time in 5 years of seeing each other, and the next, he's leaving just as quickly as he was starting to reenter your life.

For a moment, everything stops. You stare, waiting for your mother to laugh, to tell you what she said was some sort of joke, but her face remains constant.

"That poor boy..it's such a shame that he had to stop school so early because his father fell in to debt after trialing an unsuccessful drug for his mother's muscular dystrophy, he told me he even had to sell his phone and get a job so early just to pay it off!

If only they didn't fall in to debt he would still be helping out at their apple and peach farm here in this town now, he really has gone through so much. On top of being married off by his incompetent father to a family like that ! Gosh it's scandalous!

If I could I would take in that boy immediately, he was only 11 when he had to start bearing all the responsibilities, had to sleep over in your bed room because his mother was constantly causing a ruckus screaming in agony. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels now."

And suddenly, your world feels off-balance, like the ground beneath you is cracking. You didn’t know. You didn't know he had to leave because of his father's debt, you didn't know that it wasn't his fault and yet you blamed him.

Over and over again you would blame him and curse at him like you knew everything about him after he went missing for 5 years. You made sure he couldn't receive your approval to his interrupted apology. And still you want to be a little selfish, you want to complain because if he had told you before he was swept away in to the harsh reality of adult hood; you would have stayed- you would have helped him, made sure that he never cried on the nights that he was left alone in a foreign city where he had to work among adults just to survive, you would have made sure that he knew you were still there supporting him from a distance- that he did have someone rooting for him.

Your heart starts racing, the panic settling in, but your mind can’t catch up. A million questions swirl in your head, but none of them make it past your lips.

"When..When does he leave?"

You grip the steering wheel tight, knuckles white against the black leather, the engine growling beneath you. The road screeches as you push the accelerator harder, for sure a couple miles above the speed limit as you head towards the train station. You glance at the clock-12:11. Beomgyu's train departs in a couple more minutes, creeping closer, each second slipping away, and you know if you don’t make it you might never see him again. Might never be able to apologise to him, instead leaving your last impression on him as arrogant and refusing to listen.

The town around you feels like it’s closing in, the sounds of honking mute in the distance as you weave in and out of lanes, your heart pounding harder with every twist and turn, but you can’t slow down. You don’t have time. Not even a second to waste if you wanted to see him.

If you wanted to see Choi Beomgyu for what might be the last time.

The train station is just a few miles ahead, but it feels like an eternity. Your hands are slick with sweat, but you don't dare let go of the wheel, quickly swerving in to the parking lot and lazily leaving your car at an angle which was sure to serve you a fine or some sort of fight later.

Rushing up the stairs that seemed to last for an eternity you can hear the dull roar of the train's engine come to a halt, leaving a soft pshhht of steam blowing out of it. You scurry on to the platform, sweating, red faced, hoping he may be able to leave some time for you to say sorry, in hopes that he'd forgive your pent up anger like he asked for you to forgive his.

And there you spot him, boarding on to the train with a small burgundy suitcase decorated in dandelion stickers, his hair much longer and uncut than when you last saw it, his skin starting to look paler than you remember.

"Choi Beomgy-!"

"This train is departing to, Seoul."

Your heart starts to slow as you scavenge through windows upon windows to find him in which ever carriage he seated himself in, tears staring to unfold again when you struggled to see him, mistaking him for the hundreds of people in the same attire until you reach the end of the carriage, where he looks you directly in your sore eyes.

He doesn't say anything- not that you can hear anyways- but you watch him smile, tears starting to form in his eyes as well, a mere glass screen separating your hands as you sob uncontrollably with snot dripping out of your nose embarrassingly.

He doesn't look frustrated with you at all for taking so long to finally see him again, and even if he looks weaker physically and mentally than he did at the start you can see the boyish smile of the 16 year old Beomgyu you first fell in love with in his grin, slowly pulling out his hand to sign to you in sign language amidst the loud roar of the engine preparing to take off again,

'Don't Cry. We'll meet again.'

You stand there, frozen on the platform, watching as Beomgyu’s train starts to pull away in to the distance without warning. You couldn't tell what he was thinking in the moment, but you could understand the mutual agreement between you two that you'll find each other at different times again, when you're both ready for each other, when you're both more mature to handle the oppression of the adult world that you're only just really entering in to.

Though, you can feel the weight of it in your bones- the quiet goodbye neither of you could say out loud. Your heart is heavy, aching with the kind of sadness that feels endless, like you’re watching your entire world fade into the distance, too helpless to stop it.

It's a crushing realisation, but you're satisfied because you're certain he'll come back. He always keeps his promises.

You lag behind Kai again in a park, the two of you now in Seoul 4 years later, you've always found it difficult to catch up with Kai, but he'd always find a way to make sure he was there to support you. That's just the kind of person Kai is.

But there's something heavy hearted that both of you have realised today. That after a year of dating- you were never meant to be.

Kai deserved someone who was capable of loving him back as much as he loved them, someone who wouldn't take his acts of kindness and his heart at a minimum and treat it as simply being 'nice'.

And you, you deserved peace, since moving to Seoul you've never stopped searching for Beomgyu, the sinking feeling once again that in such a big city it's difficult to even know if Beomgyu was roaming the same streets as you, if he even could walk around the streets of the city again. There's no lying in the fact that you appreciated Kai, seriously, he's one of the best people you could be blessed with on such a twisted world, but every time you look at him you imagine the latter instead. The weak boyish grin he tried to put on for you before he vanished again, and you can tell it hurts Kai when you start crying again just by staring at his face- because he's constantly overlooked in Beomgyu's shadow.

Like no matter what he does, he can't compete with fate, he can't try to sever what was destined to be, which leads you to today, 26 and 27, walking down the park during cherry blossom season when he turns around to face you with downturned eyes,

"Why can't you pick me over Beomgyu?" He asks with genuine sadness, which only deepens the wound in your heart because after 9 years you still don't know how to answer him.

"You still love him don't you?"

His question cuts right through to your soul, he's read you like a book, he's always been attentive like this and you can't look him in the eyes in case you'd start crying again like you always do.

"It's okay, I don't blame you. It's okay if you don't know why you feel this way. I just think, it would be best for the both of us to go our separate ways." Kai sends a slightly forced smile which quivers in to a frown at times as he reaches out to hug you first, because he can see it in the way that you act now that you need help, that you need someone who understands you on a deeper level,

you need Beomgyu.

And as the cherry blossoms start to fall and Kai's tall figure starts to wander off in the distance ready to start a new chapter of adulthood you feel eyes staring at the back of your head from above, the feeling of being observed. The familiarity of ruffled, black hair.

"Long time no see."

A/N: Please lmk if I need to make any grammar edits !! But this is my first ever big fic on tumblr!! Wooo, hopefully the angst actually hit at some points because that was lit my whole intent for this fic, reblogging or criticism is appreciated !!

tyunningism 's work !! 2025

tags: @whoisgami

#wanna make a part 2 #But i dont see the plot moving forward sigh #emme’s rants #txt

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tyunningism · 4 days ago

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OUR BOYS WON 3 AWARDS 🙂‍↕️👏👏👏👏

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tyunningism · 4 days ago

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I'm so knackered after 16.1k words I acc need the will power writers have to write 30k+ words and somehow not drain the plot wtaf

#txt #emme's rants

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