ubiwrites

[ubiwrites]

i’m still in love with you. so very much. but i can’t do this all over again. not after everything you’ve put me through. please do it right for both of us.

[ubiwrites]

Babymoon

“Ra, kita punya anaknya dua aja ya?” tanya gue ke Muara sambil duduk di tempat tidur dan menyenderkan badan gue pada headboard tepat di sebelahnya.

Muara seketika mengalihkan pandangannya dari entah buku apa yang dari tadi dia baca “Kenapa emang?”

“Repot soalnya kalau tiap hamil babymoonnya jauh begini.”

“Oh gitu, udah nggak mau direpotin sama anak istrinya?” Muara menatap tajam ke arah gue, pemandangan favorit gue karena Muara selalu kelihatan lebih seksi kalau lagi marah.

“Engga gitu Ra, kok ngomongnya begitu. Maksud aku, kalau misalnya tiga tahun lagi kamu hamil anak kedua, berarti si Peanut umurnya udah sekitar dua tahun, lagi aktif-aktifnya. Emang kamu mau tetep babymoon sejauh ini dengan kondisi hamil besar ditambah toddler?” jelas gue panjang lebar.

“Kan ada bapaknya.” Jawab Muara acuh dan kembali fokus pada buku yang dia pegang.

Gue dan Muara sekarang sedang berada sejauh 11,282 kilometer dari rumah dengan kondisi istri gue lagi hamil dua puluh tujuh minggu, just the two of us. Dari waktu trimester pertama, Muara emang udah semangat banget soal babymoon. Dari sekian banyak rentetan perintilan perkara kehamilan sampai persalinan, yang paling Muara tunggu-tunggu adalah babymoon.

“Aku udah bilang ke Mbak Diana, nanti aku mau babymoon ke Lausanne dan nginep di rumahnya yang super lucu itu.” ucapnya suatu hari selepas dari konsultasi kehamilan yang rutin kami lakukan setiap bulan sejak Muara dinyatakan hamil anak pertama kami. Gue nggak pernah bisa nolak permintaan Muara, bahkan setelah bertahun-tahun kenal dari cuma tetangga, teman dekat, crush, naik status jadi pacar, sampai sekarang sudah jadi suami pun, her wishes will always be my command. Gue nggak pernah merasa direpotkan sama semua kemauannya, ekspresi senang dan excitednya Muara udah jadi candu buat gue. Gue berjanji pada diri gue sendiri kalau kebahagiaan dia dan anak-anak kami kelak akan selalu jadi prioritas gue. Jadi, di sinilah kami, di negara yang salah satu gunungnya sangat iconic karena identik dengan bungkus kemasan cokelat merk terkenal.

—————

“Kalau udah ngantuk dilanjut besok lagi aja Ra bacanya.” gue memutuskan untuk nggak melanjutkan pembahasan soal babymoon. Gue sadar betul, mau punya argumen sepanjang apapun gue pasti kalah lawan Muara.

“Kamu nggak tidur? Emangnya nggak jetlag?”

“Kamu duluan aja Ra, aku mau ngecek kerjaan bentar abis itu langsung tidur kok, janji.”

“Awas ya kalau aku kebangun dan kamu masih melek, aku ngambek!”

“Iya, Sayang.” gue tersenyum simpul sambil membantu Muara menyamankan posisi tidurnya. Semenjak perutnya semakin membesar, Muara kesulitan untuk mencari posisi tidur yang nyaman—hal yang paling sering Muara keluhkan—ia bahkan membutuhkan bantal khusus. Muara tidur menyamping ke kanan menghadap gue diapit dua bantal besar, satu dipeluk, satu lagi gue letakkan di belakang punggung Muara.

“Have a good sleep, Sweetheart.” gue kecup kening istri gue singkat sambil memberi elusan lembut di lengannya. Muara memang selalu tidur lebih awal dibanding gue. Dari dulu dia nggak pernah bisa begadang, bahkan setelah menikah, agenda nonton pertandingan bola bareng yang Muara janjikan berujung ketiduran di 15 menit pertama.

Gue menyelesaikan pekerjaan gue dua puluh menit kemudian. Gue letakkan iPad di atas nakas lalu gue matikan lampu tidur yang jadi satu-satunya sumber penerangan ruangan ini. Sebelum benar-benar memejamkan mata, gue pusatkan pandangan gue ke arah istri cantik gue—kegiatan favorit gue setiap hari sebelum tidur sejak nikah sama Muara—yang sekarang sedang tertidur pulas.

Tuhan, terima kasih sudah hadirkan kebahagiaan dalam bentuk raga cantik yang jiwanya teduh dan hatinya seluas samudra. Tolong kasih kesempatan satu hari lagi untuk bangun di sisi Muara.

Begitu doa gue setiap malam sambil terus mandangin istri gue seakan kalau gue lengah sedikit Muara bakal hilang dari hadapan gue. Kadang sambil gue elus rambutnya. Kalau lagi usil, diam-diam gue kecup bibir ranumnya.

Sampai detik ini, gue masih suka ngerasa nggak nyangka bisa jadi suaminya Muara. Naksir dari jaman SMA, sampai pernah mau nyerah—karena Muara nggak putus-putus sama pacar jaman kuliahnya��dan akhirnya kabur jauh banget sampai ke utara Amerika. Masa-masa gue di rig sebenarnya adalah momen paling berat di hidup gue. Jauh dari keluarga, jauh dari Muara. Memang alasan utama gue cabut karena mau nyoba move on dari Muara, tapi ternyata justru makin tersiksa.

Muara nggak pernah tau dan nggak pernah sadar kalau dia udah jadi penyelamat di hidup gue. Muara selalu bilang ‘makasih yah udah jadi teman hidupku’ padahal kenyataannya gue yang selalu diam-diam berterima kasih dan bersyukur Muara milih gue untuk jadi suaminya.

Kehidupan sebelum ada Muara rasanya hampa. Gue nggak pernah bener-bener tau mau gue apa, tujuan hidup gue apa, kenapa gue ada di dunia ini. Sampai akhirnya perempuan dengan rambut hitam sebahu yang gue lihat hampir sebelas tahun lalu sedang berdiri di depan rumah samping kiri rumah gue sambil sibuk sama iPodnya masuk ke dalam hidup gue. Gue sadar sejak detik pertama gue lihat dia senyum, gue jadi tau apa yang gue mau, dengan egoisnya gue mau selalu jadi alasan atas setiap lengkungan yang tercipta di bibir Muara. Sejak detik pertama gue dengar tawa renyah Muara, gue jadi tau tujuan hidup gue, gue harus hidup dengan baik biar selalu bisa mastiin bahwa tawa itu nggak hilang. Sejak detik pertama gue liat satu tetes air mata turun dari mata indah yang selalu gue kagumi itu, gue tau alasan gue ada di dunia ini adalah untuk nggak ngebiarin ada tetes-tetes berikutnya yang jatuh membasahi wajah Muara—kecuali tangis bahagia, of course.

Gue ingat tepat dua tahun enam bulan gue tinggal di lepas pantai, Muara tiba-tiba nge-facetime gue sambil nangis. Perasaan gue hancur banget menyaksikan Muara sekacau itu dan malam itu berubah jadi malam paling menyiksa di hidup gue. Terlebih penyebab dari tangisan Muara adalah laki-laki yang sudah dia pacari dari tahun kedua bangku kuliah ternyata selingkuh. Gue merasa jadi laki-laki paling nggak berguna karena nggak becus melindungi perempuan yang paling gue cintai kedua setelah Bunda dari rasa sakit. Gue tau itu semua bukan salah gue, tapi kalau aja saat itu gue lebih keras kepala lagi merjuangin perasaan gue buat Muara, Muara nggak perlu ketemu laki-laki brengsek itu dan ngalamin kejadian kayak gitu dan gue nggak perlu nahan marah dan nyesel karena nggak bisa langsung lari meluk Muara—dan menghajar laki-laki sialan itu—dan bilang kalau gue ada di sini and everything’s gonna be alright.

But you know what they say, every cloud has a silver lining. Ternyata, tangisan Muara jadi satu-satunya yang bisa ngalahin bujukan kedua orang tua gue untuk pulang dan tinggal di Indonesia, karena tepat 3 minggu setelah malam itu, gue akhirnya menginjakkan kaki di Bandara Soekarno-Hatta dan bertekad nggak akan pergi jauh lagi kecuali Muara ikut.

Our pasts has brought us here. Semenyakitkan dan segelap apapun masa lalu gue dan Muara, gue bersyukur karena berkat semua itu gue dan Muara ada di titik ini. Even if I had to go back to the past, I would still choose the same path and love you the same way all over again, Ra.

Nggak sadar pandangan gue mulai buram karena ternyata air mata gue udah numpuk di pelupuk. Dinginnya malam di Lausanne nggak bisa ngalahin rasa hangat yang menjalar di tubuh gue setiap kali mikirin segala sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan Muara. Gue cium kening Muara sedikit lebih lama. Selanjutnya pandangan gue turun ke arah perut Muara yang di dalamnya tumbuh anak gue dan Muara, bukti nyata dari cinta kami berdua. Gue letakkan tangan kanan gue di atas perut Muara dan mengusapnya pelan.

Sehat-sehat ya anak Ayah, jangan buat Bunda susah.

[ubiwrites]

The Vow

“Muara, cinta pertama dan abadi-ku, aku ngga mau bilang cinta terakhir, karena aku akan melanjutkan cintaku untuk anak-anak kita kelak. Ra, kalau dulu ada orang yang bilang sepuluh tahun lagi kamu bakal jadi istri aku, kayaknya aku ngga akan buang-buang waktu sampai selama ini buat nikahin kamu. I would marry you first thing in the morning”

Aku menatap haru pria tampan di hadapanku yang kini sedang berdiri sambil memegang secarik kertas bertuliskan janji pernikahan kami yang ia ucapkan dengan tenang namun penuh kesungguhan.

“Ra, janji pernikahan kita terlalu singkat kalau cuma sebatas satu tarikan nafas, jika Tuhan menghendaki, aku akan habiskan sisa hidup aku buat buktiin kalau kesetiaanku bukan cuma janji semata, semua pengorbanan kita untuk sampai di titik ini dan seterusnya ngga akan jadi percuma, karena kamu dan aku punya selamanya untuk dihabiskan bersama”

Sabda Agung Tjokroadinata, bahkan setelah sepuluh tahun lelaki ini masih membuatku merasa jadi perempuan paling beruntung di dunia. Siapa sangka, manusia paling digemari satu sekolah —yang kebetulan tetanggaku— kini secara sadar dan suka rela melepas julukan Most Eligible Bachelor dan menggantinya menjadi Suaminya Muara.

Aku masih ingat hari di mana Sabda muncul di hadapanku dengan seragam SMA-nya yang tidak begitu rapi duduk di atas sepeda motor klasik milik ayahnya sambil menatapku dalam.

“Muara, gue disuruh Bunda berangkat bareng lo ke sekolah, lo baru pindahan kan?”

Belum sempat aku menjawab, ia sudah menyerahkan helm berwarna cokelat muda ke arahku.

“Buruan naik, nanti keburu telat”

Entah apa yang terjadi padaku hari itu, tapi aku seperti dibuat bisu dengan kehadiran laki-laki itu —yang baru aku tau namanya Sabda dari badge di dada kirinya. Tepat ketika aku mendudukkan badanku di atas motor Sabda, aroma tubuhnya tercium sangat jelas, campuran musk dan citrus. Saat itu, tidak pernah terpikir olehku bahwa bertahun-tahun kemudian aroma itu menjadi candu yang jika sehari tidak bersapa dengan indra penciumanku dunia rasanya mau runtuh.

“Muara, terima kasih udah mau kompromi dengan keras kepalaku, ngga ada hal di dunia ini yang bisa bayar kelembutan hati kamu kecuali Mcflurry dan sushi”

Tawa para tamu yang didominasi oleh keluarga dan kerabat dekat memenuhi ruangan yang disulap sangat cantik dengan dekor penuh bunga. Aku pun tak kuasa menahan senyumku, memang benar Sabda menghabiskan sepuluh tahun dari hidupnya untuk mempelajari apa yang aku suka dan aku benci.

“Muara, from now on, i will let you to decide which movie we’re going to watch every weekend and which song we’re going to listen every time we get stuck in traffic. Aku udah siap nonton Harry Potter setiap minggu dan dengerin Taylor Swift nyanyi setiap hari, tapi kamu juga harus mau ya ikut nobar MU sama aku”

Sabda, nonton orang lewat sambil denger suara jangkrik juga aku mau, asal sama kamu.

“Muara Djiwa Ayu, aku ngga bisa pastiin kalau hidup sama aku akan selalu berjalan mulus, tapi selama ada tangan kamu untuk aku genggam, bahu kamu untuk aku bersandar dan tubuh kamu untuk aku peluk, aku usahain semua akan baik-baik aja, aku akan selalu berdoa biar dikasih sehat, tapi kalau pun sakit, aku harap bukan aku penyebabnya. Muara untuk Sabda selamanya”

Sabda menyelesaikan janji sucinya tepat ketika satu tetes air mata turun membasahi pipiku. Waktu berjam-jam yang kuhabiskan untuk merias wajahku tadi subuh tidak ada artinya dibanding apa yang baru saja Sabda ucapkan padaku ditonton puluhan pasang mata yang aku harap ikut mengamini harapan yang Sabda curahkan dalam ucapannya tadi.

Sabda memajukan tubuhnya ke arah tubuhku, ia meletakkan satu tangan hangatnya di atas pipiku dan tangan yang lainnya di pinggangku. Ia lalu mendekatkan wajahnya ke wajahkaku, sebelum jarak benar-benar terkikis, ia berbisik tepat di depan bibirku

“Istriku”

———

“Kamu mandi duluan deh, aku masih lama, mau bersihin make up dulu”

Pesta perayaan pernikahan kami akhirnya selesai juga. Aku dan Sabda kini berada di kamar utama sebuah rumah yang Sabda bangun dua tahun lalu untuk kami tinggali sesudah menikah.

“Emang aku mau mandi duluan! Heran deh aku, kamu kalo mandi lama banget ngapain sih? masang ubin?”

Aku memutar bola mataku lalu melempar handuk yang akan Sabda gunakan sambil menjawab “apasih bercandaan kamu masih aja remed” Sabda menangkap handuk tersebut lalu terkekeh pelan sambil membalikkan badannya menuju kamar mandi.

Kegiatanku membersihkan riasan wajah terpaksa kuhentikan kala pandanganku mengarah ke satu objek yang membuatku secara otomatis mengeluarkan decakan sebal, jas yang Sabda pakai tadi tergeletak begitu saja di lantai depan kamar mandi, Sabda dan kebiasaannya, here’s to forever picking up his clothes. Aku memungut jas tersebut dan hendak meletakkannya ke dalam keranjang baju kotor sampai perhatianku mengarah pada sesuatu yang menyembul keluar dari saku jas, kertas berisi janji pernikahan milik Sabda. Aku mengeluarkan kertas tersebut dan dengan perlahan membukanya. Padahal tadi siang aku sudah mendengar langsung isi kertas itu dari mulut Sabda, namun bersamaan dengan aku membuka lebar kertas tersebut, hatiku pun ikut berdebar kencang, entah kenapa seperti berharap ada tulisan lain di kertas itu.

Tetes demi tetes air mata turun dari wajahku membasahi selembar kertas dalam genggamanku yang kini telah sempurna terbuka. Semua di luar dugaanku. Untaian kalimat yang sepersekian detik lalu kuharapkan akan muncul nyatanya tergantikan dengan sebaris kalimat sederhana yang memberiku dampak luar biasa.

“Muara, aku cinta kamu”

[ubiwrites]

Childhood friend/crush

“Hi Alghi, how have you been? do you remember me?”

That would be the first thing i would’ve said if i ever had a chance to meet him again. Alghifari was my childhood friend/crush whom i knew because we went to the same Islamic school that my parents owned which became the reason why his family and mine became closer later on. We were both kids at that time, i was around 7 or 8 years old and he was probably around the same age as me (or couple years older). Not much thing i can recall about him, but i do still reminisce the essentials one, especially the moments we’ve shared together. To be completely honest, i don’t even remember his full name (Sorry Ghi☹️).

But i do remember clearly, he had one sister that i also used to be so close with, Kak Zahra. We got along so well and the way she treated me as if we both were some sort of like a long lost sister. I think the last time i met her was 7 or 8 years ago, and a few years later she invited my family to her wedding —which unfortunately i didn’t come. The fact that we could’ve met that day kinda made me regret it (again, sorry Ghi 😔). To be frank, i didn’t really know much about his mother —not even her name. However, one thing i was definitely aware that she was such a beautiful woman. Om Indra, Alghi’s father. I don’t remember much about him as we didn’t really interact to each other, but one thing for sure his family was like a family friend to mine. I also remember his nanny —which her name i also can’t put my finger on it. I remember she used to accompany me a lot every day while she waited him to finish the Quran course that he took at my parents’ Islamic school. I still remember she was kind and also such a soft spoken person. She was not only took care of Alghi, but me as well whenever i was around.

Alghi, do you remember our first talent show? Well, i hope you do. It was in 2005, we recited Quran together on a stage in front of my house. I was so nervous but it felt less terrifying because you were there, on that stage, sitting right next to me, calmly. So thanks to you we did a great job that day.

Alghi, i remember, there was a time when i had to skipped my class because i had to go to your grandmother’s funeral. We didn’t really meet at that time, you were probably mourning somewhere. But (technically) i was there for you.

Remember our first playdate? We went to Taman Mini. Well, it wasn’t exactly a playdate, it was more like a field trip —we went there with other students from the Quran course we both took at that time. I still clearly remember i had fun spending time with you and your whole family (and other kids too). Funny thing is, i always have this blurry memory circling around in my head about how we kind of took a picture together —or probably it was me and Kak Zahra. However, the picture was never really seemed to be existed. It didn’t really matter, as long as you were actually there.

It was one evening when the first time I went to your apartment. Our second playdate i guess? I remember it was also the first time i got to play a game console. It was you who taught me, i didn’t know what was the title of that game but i remember it was a fighting game. I didn’t really play a game growing up, the closest game i played was anything on the phone or the computer. Therefore, i was so clueless and so bad at it, i lost the game. It was being around you that mattered the most. I had fun nevertheless.

Alghi, after many years since the last time we met, i would’ve never thought that the first thing i heard from you was the fact that you were no longer around. I still blame myself for the day i wasn’t there when you were gone to a better place. I was devastated and unable to process everything for quite some time. I refused to think that we were no longer breathe the same air. I know it wasn’t really a good excuse so i apologize. God knows how i wish i could turn back the time and run to you right away.

Out of all the traumatizing and terrible childhood memories i’ve been trying to forget, every moments that you were part of it are the one i cherish the most. No matter how long and how far we’ve been apart i will never not keep you in mind and even if it was blurry, our moments will always be my prized possession.

Alghi, if only we could talk about every moments we’ve shared together as a kid in person. You couldn’t imagine how i always wonder what kind of person you would’ve become and how would’ve you looked like if you’d still around, would we even have ended up together?

All i can say now is thank you for being one of the sweetest memories i could ever asked for. I hope you’re in a better and beautiful place wherever it is. I remember you as a quiet and calm boy, i’ll pray for you to have someone you could talk to so you don’t have to feel lonely. I’ll talk to you later Ghi Rest in love, I’ll always miss you,

Y.

[ubiwrites]

THE SONG

I still remember the first encounter i had with this particular song. I was in 7/8th grade circa 2011/2012. One of my classmate turned on the radio and this song was played. The first thing that came up to my mind was “i like this song” so i asked my friend “whose song is this? and what’s the title?” and he replied “i don’t know, i’ll look it up for you”

The next day, he told me everything i wanted to know about the song and even downloaded it for me. So i put it into my playlist right away.

It was raining that day, right before i was about to go home. So my mom picked me up from school and we rode a taxi. On our way back home, something weird yet pleasing happened. Well, i still don’t even know was it just a coincidence or was it because it was so popular it wasn’t really surprising but that song was played on the radio at the very right moment and i can’t stop listening to it ever since.

[ubiwrites]

#mood

@creatorsofcolornet event 10: characters you relate to ↳ lara jean covey, to all the boys i’ve loved before (insp)

BONUS:

[ubiwrites]

when there’s someone who played a huge part in your world for almost half of your life, and you’ve spent most of your teenage days learning about him, knowing what he likes and dislikes, talking about him, listening to his songs over and over again, even pretending that you really know each other.

until one day he announced that he got married to an unknown woman and then couple of years later another announcement came telling him becoming a father.

and now everything Raisa said finally makes sense

untuk apa kini semua yang ku tau tentang dirimu…

[ubiwrites]

Starting is the hardest part.

Have you ever just stared on your phone while procrastinating, thinking when will you gather all your energy to get up and get your ass to do your assignment?

The thought of doing something sounds like a hassle. But once you force yourself to go up, put your phone down, sit in front of your laptop and start doing your assignment, it suddenly feels like nothing. It just flows.

It’s not like Sadako will crawl out from your screen or ada meta-kuyang tiba-tiba gelantungan di laptop, so why is the thought of starting something so scary?

I tried to break this down; I’m delaying the process of starting something because I’m afraid of the unknown— the outcome of things that I’m going to work on, I’m afraid of failing and if things go south. I have so many scary scenarios in my head and I don’t want it to happen and the only thing to prevent it from happening is to not do anything at all… Or at least that’s what I thought.

But most of the time, my fear is proven to be irrational. Out of every scary story that I made up in my head, only a tiny bit of it, probably around 0.005% that actually came true. That fear is only in my head.

So I am setting this rule for myself now: “celupin kaki”.

If the tip of my toe touches the water and it feels nice, I would think, “ah… Terlanjur basah,” (that sounds so wrong?) and jump right away to the water and swim—though I can’t really swim. Oh, saya bisa satu gaya: gaya batu

Or “start with one pushup”.

If you feel too lazy to start your exercise, start doing one push up and you will end up doing more. If that makes sense.

Whenever I hesitate to either do my work, assignment, meeting new people, going to the library, I would stop thinking right away (I have my own way to shut down my mind), grab my phone, wear my bra, take my wallet, and just go.

The moment you start doubting, just do it. You already do more things in your mind than you actually do. The way we anticipate our fears is more harmful than the actual outcome of the events we fear.

Hope and fear is basically the same. So why do we, borrowing from Seneca, act like mortals in all that we fear, and like immortals in all that we desire? Both projections of a future that may or may not happen is the same. 

Quoting from the famous inauguration speech of FDR or whoever that guy from the Night at the Museum, “Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself— nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.”

*The writer later finds out that the museum guy is actually Theodore Roosevelt.

[ubiwrites]

A letter to the boy I've loved before

Dear Mr. Silly,

No matter how much i've tried to convinced myself that "i hate you", it wouldn't change the fact that i had a great time with you.

I've always knew that we weren't meant for each other. however, i loved you anyway.

For the past couple of years, i've been trying to keep all the memories that includes both of us. I didn't even bother trying to erase it tho, even after what you've done to me (or maybe what i've done to you). Cause i remember it all too well 😉

Thank you for giving me the butterfly-in-my tummy-feelings, it was fun to know the other side of you, it was sweet how you encouraged me that night, thank you for letting me being in love with you. (i didn't care if it was you just being nice or it was actually honest) thank you for telling me that you felt the same way and wanted to be with me. Even though it never happened eventually.

I forgive you, it pissed me off that i can't even mad at you. Up until now.

I wish you a happy life. i'm looking forward to listen to your music in the future, you're so fuckin talented, everyone knows it. I will always know it.

somewhere in the middle of 2020,

yours truly

P.s.: no more ghosting game, let yourself being in love and hurt. also, you look much better with short hair.

[ubiwrites]

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

[ubiwrites]

you betrayy meeeehhhhh

[ubiwrites]

obama is a shawol he retired to become president of shinee world