ueticsnippets

[ueticsnippets]

Snippet #1 - Shielding Practice

*for context, it’s been established that Lou is lactose intolerant and, unlike most people I know with lactose intolerance, actually avoids dairy because he values his asshole

*for more context, there’s magic in this universe and they’re spatial magic students, so they study like portals n shit

Mars tapped her foot impatiently against the hardwood floor, her pace growing quicker as the minutes ticked by. “I’m waiting.”

Lou groaned from where he lay slumped against the worn, flower-patterned armchair, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms. “I’m not doing anymore, we've been practicing half the night. Let me sleep, for god’s sake.” 

“Our duel is tomorrow, and you still haven’t—”

“Today.”

Mars blinked. “What are you—”

Lou groaned again, this time standing up and marching to the windows, waving his arms like a madman. “Today, Mars! The sun is up, you monster, and I. Need. Sleep.” With that, he let out a heavy sigh and flopped back onto the cushions, feigning a loud, obnoxious snore.

Mars’ eyes narrowed, and she walked over to Lou’s side of the room, standing over him with a dictator-like stance, arms folded over her chest with uncharacteristic vigor. “Like I was saying,” she continued, “we have our duel, and you still haven't worked on your pinpoint shielding.”

“Like I was saying, I’m fucking exhausted, and I want to take a seven-hour nap, eat a steak, and then sleep another four hours before our duel.” He flopped an arm towards her lazily. “I’ll figure out the shielding as we go”

“That's it—” Mars tugged him by his collar, hoisting him up as high as her arms could reach. “You—can sleep—after—you—practice!” she grunted out as Lou struggled in her grip, writhing from side to side. “I’m not losing my chance at restricted library access over you being lazy!”

“It’s Vale, he’s gonna give it to us whether we win or not! Besides, even if he doesn’t we’ll just sneak in again.”

“This isn’t about access, it's about convenience.”

Lou rolled his eyes. “Now who’s the lazy one?” Mars only glared harder.

Sensing Mars’ grip loosening, Lou made one last, desperate wiggle. “Unhand me, you ape!” Lou cried dramatically, rousing the attention of a pair of juniors entering the common room, probably for an early-morning cram session.

Her arms growing tired from Lou’s weight (and unnervingly worm-like movements), Mars dropped Lou unceremoniously on the rug. “Fine, then.” She stormed out of the room, giving what seemed to Lou like a little too easily. But he shrugged and made himself comfortable on the rug, burying his face into its plush fibers.

Not five minutes later, Mars returned, dragging a giant sack of some sort, carrying a suspiciously salty smell. Lou sniffed and cracked one eye open. “The hell’s that?”

Mars ignored his question and reached behind her. “You won’t practice shielding?” She asked, sounding only slightly unhinged, “Fine.” She pulled a yellowish wedge from the sack, waving it threateningly in Lou’s direction. “Eat cheese, motherfucker.”

Lou’s eyes popped open and he scrambled to his feet. “You wouldn’t.”

Mars didn't reply. She just rushed toward him, armed to the brim with cheese, and began hurling them at him.

“You—are one—fucked-up—-individual” Lou said, alternating between dodging and shielding against the airborne dairy, the two of them cirlcing around each other like predator and prey, climbing on couches and coffee tables to adjust their aim. After a few minutes of this, Lou paused, slightly snapping out of his sleep-deprived delirium. He smirked. “Ha! Nice try, but it's not like I’m eating i—”

No sooner did the words come out of his mouth than did Mars lunge towards him, a hunk of some soft-looking cheese in one hand. She tackled him to the ground and shoved her hand toward his mouth.

Lou shrieked. “I’m going to shit myself, Mars!” The two wrestled on the ground for a minute, tumbling over each other and toppling a couple of bookshelves and a table before Mars finally cornered Lou, the cheese still menacingly aloft in her hand. Lou shrunk away, squinting as if not seeing the cheese would make it magically disappear. “This Is basically biological warfare, y’know? I’ll tell professor Wright that—” he cut himself off as the cheese approached. In a desperate effort, he shut his eyes and concentrated, until—

Mars laughed victoriously. “See? Told you I’d make you practice your pinpoint shiel—”

With his mouth successfully shielded from her attacks, Lou kicked Mars off and back towards her cheese pile. He looked properly at the assortment for the first time, and an evil glint of inspiration came to his eyes. Mars felt a faint hum beneath her and looked down to see a small portal beneath her feet. “Oh no.” She yelped as she found herself wedged in the center of an obnoxiously large cheese wheel, one she had only managed to get in the sack by teleporting it. She struggled uselessly against the dense block of cheese around her. “Lou, what the hell?”

Lou stood, dusting himself off triumphantly. “I think I’ll just leave you like that ‘till our duel.” Then he grinned to himself. “Who knows, maybe Hettie can cook you into something remotely edible.”

“Very funny.” Mars grumbled, discreetly opening a portal with the little mobility she had, centering the opening around her torso and the exit directly behind Lou, so she could get in one last sneak attack.

Lou continued rambling. “Maybe she could chop you up into little pieces, sprinkle you on top of soup like little Mars-croutons. Mars-tons? Croutars?” Mars’ eyes widened as Lou, while debating with himself on the best name for the Mars-flavored garnish, stepped dangerously close to her portal’s exit.

“Wait, don’t—” But it was too late.

The surprise had barely registered on Lou’s face when, with a pop, he appeared right next to Mars, sandwiched between her glaring form and a hard wall of cheese. ”Oh. Fuck.” They both struggled, the portal now useless as they were stuck too tightly to fall through it and leave the wheel behind. “What the hell’d you go and do that for?” Mars said, cursing as she attempted to free her arms.

“Who asked you to open a portal right behind me?”

“Who asked you to fall in, dumbass?”

Lou foolishly attempted to shove her over, which only resulted in the two of them tipping sideways, a feeling of dread coming over them as the wheel, as most wheels do, slowly began to roll.

“Shit.”

Three hours, a hall full of knocked over furniture, four staircases, two classes full of half-traumatized-half-amused juniors, and one very pissed professor Wright later, Mars and Lou were finally freed from their cheese trap. They stood sheepishly as Wright lectured them on food waste and ‘The importance of not causing any, food-related or otherwise, disruption and chaos before the staff was awake enough to deal with it’

I got too lazy to write the rest :P