uhyahisurehopeitdoes

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

21/9/20

I have been putting off writing this since I got back from tournament because I know that it will make me miss it too much. It also doesn’t help that I am at the lowest point I have ever been (sorry I know I’m not meant to talk about bad stuff here). without further ado, here are a few almost perfect moments from an almost perfect week. (also, please note that the majority of the time, when I say “we” I mean the group of us in our van)

i suppose the most logical place to start would be the beginning so first I will write a bit about the drive down. LW, NV, MM, PP, LT, ES, DS and I all made sure to get in a van together, and thus, our little family was born. the drive down was mostly uneventful, we all enjoyed each others’ company (as well as a certain PE teacher’s singing to bohemian rhapsody). at one point we were very hot, so LW, ES and I took our shirts off, and tried desperately to get the air-con to work. the three of us were sitting in the middle row, and we had taken the head-rests off of the row in front of us so that we could see out of the front. for about an hour, we sat there doing a tissle train, looking out the window at the blue sky with music playing softly in the background and the feeling of the sun on our skin. i felt very content sitting there surrounded by these people and i knew that I would probably be feeling that way for the whole week.

Next, i will write about gossip girl, or rather, the time spent watching it. all week, whenever we would have down time, we would go in to either LT, LW and my room, NV, MM and ES’s room, or PP and DS’s room and watch gossip girl. if it was pre-game, we sprawled across the room would be braiding each other’s hair, packing our hockey bags, taping up feet etc. if it was night time, post-game, we would be curled up together in blankets, not talking as much, giving each other massages or taking turns using ES’s massage gun. there would almost always be some kind of food present. we laughed a lot, talking about everything and nothing, comfortable in each others’ company.

of course, the van drives deserve a shoutout. although no-one said anything, there was an unspoken understanding within our team that we had our van, and they had theirs. there was no bad blood or anything, and we all got on well, that was just the way things worked out. also, our coach, who we love, always came in our van. pre-game, we would get really hyped up in our van, and sing to our #tourneyvibes playlist and bruno mars at the top of our lungs. post-win, bruno and #tourneyvibes would come back on, except as background noise to our excited chatter on the way to the beach for colds. after our shootout semi-final loss, we went to the van and drove to the beach listening to DS’s “hurt” playlist, bruno (he works in every situation), and Que Cera. we cried together, comforted by each others’ presence. we were mostly quiet, other than softly singing through the tears, but most importantly, although I was absolutely devastated by the loss, I felt to grateful to be able to share my sadness with these people, and I could tell that everyone felt the same way. I think that this moment brought us even closer together than we were, knowing that we shared this feeling together, it is very hard to explain, but i think we all felt a sense of connectedness and family, even in sadness.

also, after we lost the semi, we went back to the motel to shower before we went to an escape room to get our minds off things. after we got out of the shower, LW, LT and I were just sitting on the floor staring into space for a while, and then ES walked in to see if we were ready to go and she took one look at me and said “aw mezza” and gave me a long, hard hug that was very full of love. i NEVER hug anyone so this was a massive shock to the system in a good way. 

the drive home was also quite uneventful, mostly just quietly listening to music, but, when we were not far from home, and we were about to drop NV off, we blasted music on the ue boom. we all got up out of our seats and jumped around and danced, singing louder than ever before. I remember feeling incredibly alive, and really taking in the moment, taking in every second. it is impossible do describe just how we felt, even “perfect” seems inadequate. it was almost bittersweet, because the week was finally ending and we had to leave our little family and go back to reality, but i remember thinking there was nothing else in the world that I would rather be doing.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

23/8/20

today is sunday and yesterday afternoon, AM, GB and I went to AA’s for the weekend and i felt happy for the first time in a while after having the most terrible week. we arrived yesterday at around five-thirty, and after AA showed us around we went to the tennis court and played tennis and basketball and hung out with Ryan the goose until it was dark. i remember feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders after such a stressful week. after dinner (which was a roast and absolutely delicious) we tried to watch a movie but we ended up just sitting on the couch talking. we mostly talked about how lucky we are to have such great friends and plans for when we are older. i thought about how lucky and grateful i was to have all of my friends. we actually went to bed at a pretty reasonable hour, because we were all excited to go to sleep. this morning, at around eight, AM and i woke up at the exact same time, and opened the curtains to see that yesterday’s fog was gone. we stayed in bed for about another hour, because we were so comfortable. after the others had woken up and we had showered, we decided to make breakfast. we made the pancake batter, with all the usual banter, and then while the other two cooked the pancakes, AA and I went to make coffees. AA’s parents have a fancy espresso machine like they do at cafes, and as we made our coffees (in pretty blue and white cups that matched the plates we were putting the food on) we talked about how one day we hoped to be making coffees together in the morning in our new york apartment before going to our jobs at the new york times. when we went back to the kitchen, we helped the others finish cooking the pancakes and setting the table so that it looked really nice and pretty. as we were doing this, i noticed that the sun had come out and the sky was clearing, and we started playing music (we listened to banana pancakes my jack johnson, mess is mine by vance joy, and my sun playlist), and i started to feel this uncontrollable happiness. i think that it is impossible to express how happy i was this morning, i felt so happy for the first time in so long and i just couldn’t stop smiling. we ate our breakfast, which was delicious, in the sun, and then went straight to the truck for a drive. AA drove us around the farm as we sung along to my windows down playlist, and we stopped at the top of a hill and danced in the back of the ute. i remember thinking that in that moment, there was nothing else i would rather be doing. 

we spent the rest of the day doing one direction carpool karaoke, singing in the church, attempting to tame a goat, planning AA’s 21st birthday party, talking about the summer weekends we are going to spend there when we are older, trying- and failing- to teach me to ride a motorbike, playing in the woolshed, lighting a bonfire, and stealing icing off the cake. most importantly, however, i lived for the first time in a long time.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

7/8/20

all day my friends were dropping hints and saying stuff like “this is going to be the best present ever” so I started to get a bit excited. we planned to meet outside the boarding house after school, but AW and NV couldn’t come which was :( all throughout french, which I hd last, FN was getting me really excited, but nothing could prepare me for what was to come. as soon as french finished, FN raced out to go get the present from the boarding house, and i saw GB and PW running after her soon after. I went and sat at one of the tables outside the canteen and waited for everyone. BP, AA and AWW came over and BP covered my eyes and led me somewhere that turned out to just be the tables outside the senior sit. I had to stand facing a wall for ages while we waited for the others to come out with the present. while i was waiting, PW gave me a very beautifully drawn card (aka a piece of paper saying “Happy Birthday Mezza” and everyone’s names). finally, I got to turn around. the first thing i saw was the pinboard that they had covered in pictures of me with friends and pictures of boys (mostly dylan minnette lol) from my pinterest board. naturally, I started freaking out, but there was still more to come. I opened up the strangely shaped package and saw the big green dinosaur body pillow thing wearing the rollikin t-shirt and the superette belt. 

my reaction to the present was described by my friends as “the most emotion they had ever seen you show”. it is kind of a blur to me but i think there was a lot of yelling and “STOP IT”-ing that lasted for a fair amount of time. i was pretty close to tears, which is saying a lot because none of them have ever seen me cry (with the exception of AWW and that was only when we were little). none of them know, and none of them ever will know how much that present meant to me. not so much the present itself, but the thought that went into it, and the way that it was so perfect for me. it was the first time in a long time that i felt really really loved and appreciated. when they gave me that present, my friends may have saved me without knowing it. i was in the worst place i had ever been, had started cutting myself, and was planning on doing it again that night. in that moment i remember thinking “this is it. this is what i need to live for. i have friends that i love and who love me and because of them i am going to keep living.” I hugged them all (which again, is not something I do often), texted AW because I was so sad that she wasn’t there, and went to find NV to hug her too.

to AA, AWW, AW, PW, GB, BP, NV and FN, i know that you will never know how much this meant to me but thank you thank you thank you i love you all so much you mean the world to me thank you for keeping me going.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

the little things

(will continue to add to this)

- those random moments in august/september/october where it feels weirdly warm for a minute or there is a certain smell in the air that makes everyone say “woah it feels like summer!!!!”

- lying on the grass at lunch when its sunny and just listening to everyone talk and sometimes saying something but mostly listening its just really easy and peaceful.

- when the teacher lets you work outside- somehow the work doesn’t seem as bad (which is usually because you end up talking the whole time.

- that time I was feeling completely hopeless in english and I looked down at my computer and the teacher had written “good work” on my OneNote.

- waking up slowly on Saturday mornings. my room, the sun coming in, The New Abnormal on vinyl. going downstairs and making a coffee in peace, everyone else is out.

- IM and I making dry, sarcastic comments to each other under our breath, our ideas of what to say bouncing off each other until we end up in fits of laughter.

- AA and I marvelling about how similar we and our brains are. planning for a future together making coffee in our nyc apartment.

- realising that I may not have a lot to my name but at l am a damn good writer.

- absolutely losing my shit when I find out PA cut her hair. also the excitement that PA and I feel for each other over both little and big things.

- when I was younger driving home from somewhere and a really good song would be playing on the radio as we pulled into the driveway, so as soon as i got out of the car I would race up to my room to try and catch the end of the song on the radio.

- my english teacher noticing that something was wrong with me (although he has been the only one to do so) and asking if I was ok or if there was anything he could do to help. I may have lied and said that I was fine, but it’s the thought that counts.

- my hockey coach noticing that I wasn’t happy with how I was playing when I subbed off and telling me that I was playing well and to keep my head up.

- FN and I getting really excited and planning for our trip to France together even though it is years away and may not even happen.

- cleaning up the kitchen alone on a saturday night, mum and dad are out and I feel free and peaceful.

- the way BP can’t finish her sentences because she can’t stop laughing at herself.

- the way GB uses hand gestures when she’s animatedly talking about something.

- NV and I sending each other videos if the sunset every night and making a playlist to listen to when we watch it so that it’s like we’re watching it together.

- when MT told me that I’d changed her music taste.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

an update:

last week, (I will write more about last week some other time. I just felt that it would be rather hypocritical of me to write about a time when I have felt the most alive when, in my current state, I have forgotten what it feels like to feel alive.) GB, AWW and I were listening to the kinds of songs that really make you feel something at full volume. when animal came on, I told GB that that song always reminded me of her, and she told me that it always reminded her of me!!! we then recounted to each other the aforementioned times that we listened to animal together and it turned out that we remembered them exactly the same! it made me happy to know that she had the same happy memories associated to that song as i do. 

a few different moments

this is a bit different to my other stories because its not about a day or a moment, but about a song. the song Animal by Neon Trees. 

these are the stories of a few times i have listened to that song and felt very happy. 

the first time was that day that i first heard it with GB when we were sitting together on the beanbag in english and we just started fully jamming out in class but noone really took notice of us beacause that kind of thing is a regular occurrence with my friends and i.

the second time was when we had a reliever in maths so i went and sat in the back with AA and AWW. we had a really chill and clueless reiever so we paired up our airpods and listened to music and just kind of mucked around the whole period (AA and i copied AWW the whole time) and then at the end of the period we played Animal and stated scream-singing it. we stood up on our chairs and stated dancing and the reliever and the rest of the class looked at us like we were crazy but there was nothing that they could do to control us.

the last time (to date) was when we had a reliever in textiles and GB, LW and PI all wanted to use one of my airpods so i let them take turns but at the end GB put one of my airpods in and LW and PI got out their phones and put their headphones in and then we all pressed play on Animal at the same time. we started dancing around the class singing really loudly and over the top and our friends were laughing and dancing with us and the rest of the class clearly thought we were so weird.

basically now that song makes me feel happy beacuse of the happy times that i have listened to it with my friends

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

6-7-20

not that anyone is reading these, but I haven’t written anything in a while as i have been, to quote Charlie from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “busy trying to participate”. I have been, albeit unsuccessfully at times, trying to ignore the voice in my head that is telling me everything I do is just time filler until I die, and making a (somewhat futile) attempt to live. these are the stories of a few times when I have felt nothing but alive:

30-5-20

the first of these was the day we did the peak hill walk with some family friends. it was the first time i had left the city since before quarantine, and on the drive there, as AWW and I listened to the same 10 taylor swift songs on repeat, I remembered how beautiful the world is. I remember being in complete awe of the snow topped mountains and the rolling green hills and fields and deep blue lakes and the wide open sky. the walk was really hard but so beautiful and AWW ZJ, GJ and I joked and laughed and sang the whole way and I felt very carefree. later that evening, we went back to one family’s house for dinner. it was a classic, perfect night with all the usual jokes and banter with all the usual people. what I really wanted to write about, though, happened right after we finished the walk. all the girls went and sat in the car and listened to all the typical karaoke songs. we sang at the top of our lungs and, for me, it was one of those rare, special moments when you feel completely and utterly alive. i remember thinking, “hey, maybe life isn’t all bad”.

30-6-20

the next moment, or rather series of moments, came, coincidentally, exactly one month later. it was AWW’s birthday, and we gave her her present in the morning. at lunch, I remember feeling very content, at that for once, there was nowhere else in the world that I would rather have been. there was nothing special about that lunchtime, we just sat there talking and laughing (and making doggie piles), but I remember feeling very connected to my friends. later that day, we went to rollikin gelato to celebrate AWW’s birthday. we all had to fit into her mum’s car, so on the way there, GB, FN, BP and I had to squish into the boot, which was funny, and the others had to sit on each other’s laps. when we got there, we got our ice-cream and just sat there talking and laughing. at one point, BP went to the toilet and a few minutes later, texted our group chat saying that there wasn’t any toilet paper. that made us all laugh, and GB and I decided that it would be funny if we brought her a napkin. suffice to say, she wasn’t quite as amused as we were. after that, we messed around a bit and wrote some funny things on the flavour suggestion board, then we went outside. it was raining, and we made a tiktok of us all piling onto each other in the middle of town in the rain. people were definitely staring, but we didn’t care. we then messed around some more and made more tiktoks of course before going home. the thing that struck me the most about that night was the fact that it was so easy. unlike other times, with other people, it didn’t feel like everyone was competing to be included, and there wasn’t any kind of groupiness. there was not one point when I felt left out. we all just genuinely enjoyed each others’ company. that day, the overwhelming feeling was that I loved my friends.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

27-5-20

this is a very mundane thing but im still writing about it because it is the first time that i have felt really alive- not just numb -in months. today i had my second hockey training of the season and nothing really great in particular happened but its like i remembered that playing hockey is one of the few things that make me happiest. it was like all of my senses were turned on for the first time in so long. there was the laughing with my teammates and the pretty sunset and the happy songs i listened to in the shower after, but it was really just that feeling of playing that i guess i just forgot how much i loved.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

One day in Term 4 2019

there was this one day last year when there were only a few weeks left of school so I was at that point where I just wanted to get out. we were in social studies and I was sitting under the table in the bag alcove with AA and GB and I was on spotify and the song t-shirt weather came on and as soon as it started I just got this feeling that from that moment on it was summer and it made me feel like I could make it through the rest of the year

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

nights when mum and dad are out

one of the things i’m looking forward to most when this is all over (which is a bit weird and kinda ironic because it involves being alone) is going outside in the dark with a really good song playing loudly in my airpods. it feels lonely in the best way and is one of the few times where i feel completely myself. also cleaning the kitchen at night by myself with only one light on and listening to music.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

22/3/20

today i biked to school in the morning to meet my friends and then we biked to the reach to do the community service clean up thing and we ended up being quite late but it was fine. they split my friends and i up and i was in a group with FN, AWW, and LD. we filled up our bags pretty quick, and we actually had a really good time. it was really sunny and warm and we just spent the whole time talking. after we filled up our bags we went into the toilets and made tiktoks until NV snapchatted me and told us to come get food at the tent, which we did. then, NV, AWW, FN, BP, MT, PW and i decided to bike into town to get lunch. MT and i were biking really slowly and we ended up really far behind everyone else. we were a bit lost, but we didn’t really care, we were too busy talking and laughing about all kinds of things. we had a couple of crashes along the way, and the others had to call us to find out where we were once they had already gotten there, but we made it. after getting tank and sushi, we started biking back to the boarding house. MT and i had a huge headstart, but the others still managed to overtake us. when we were in the boarding house, we went into the senior sit and made that whipped coffee that we keep seeing on tiktok. we also tried it with milo, but it didn’t really work. after that we wrapped AA’s birthday present. we put the airpods in a gluten free pasta box, which was inside lots of other boxes, and we drew pictures and wrote messages on the outside of the box. after that, we just sat around talking and watching tiktoks. we started planning how one summer when we’re older, we’re going to do a big roadtrip of the south island for the whole holidays. we are going to start at MT’s in Blenheim, then GB’s, then AWW’s or mine in Christchurch, then NV’s, then AA’s, then BP’s then PW and AW’s in Wanaka for new years, and then finish at FN’s in Arrowtown. it was fun to think about the future, and spending the whole summer together. when we do it, i’m going to make a video of it to the song tongue tied.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

19/3/20

I was walking to school yesterday and I was a bit late because it was my mum’s birthday and the sky was blue with not a cloud in sight and it was freezing cold, but in a good way. the air was crisp and i listened to Davy Crochet by the backseat lovers and it kind of felt like a new beginning.

last period that day we had english and it was a wide reading period so AA, GB, AWW, BP, FN, NV, LD, CM and i all sat out on the grass. even though the day had started out cold, it was 25 degrees and the sky was still really blue, it was one of those hot days in autumn that creep up and surprise you. I was sharing a beanbag with AA, and sharing my airpods with GB, and the teacher made a joke about social distancing. we spent the whole period just lying there, some people reading, but mostly just talking and joking. i was lying there on the grass, with my head on the beanbag, listening to my march 20 playlist and reading the great gatsby, and after a while i put my book down and shut my eyes, listening to the conversations my friends were having and feeling the sun on my skin. at some point i must have fallen asleep (apparently the teacher had come over and talked to everyone and i hadn’t woken up), and the next thing i knew i was woken up by a stick that someone had thrown at me. no one had even realised that i was asleep and we all laughed. then, i just got up and, without even pausing my music, i walked home.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

tuesday 10 March 2020

we were in maths and the teacher said something that wasn’t even remotely funny but for some reason my friends (AA, AWW, LW, PI, AH, AF, IM and maybe a couple of others) and I started laughing really hard. the teacher told us to shut up but we had gone past the point of no return and even though nothing was funny, we just couldn’t stop laughing. the teacher told us to shut up again, so we tried but we were all sitting there, scattered around the classroom, silently losing it. I had tears streaming down my face and every time one of us looked at another we would start laughing again even harder. this was all happening in complete silence because the teacher was explaining something on the board with his back to us. the weird thing was, the thing that set us off in the first place wasn’t even funny, it was just a normal maths teacher thing, but for some reason it made us ALL laugh. we didn’t even realise that anyone else was laughing until we looked at each other. 

the teacher was very confused and at the end i think he just gave up.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

late hockey games last year

one of my favourite feelings in the world is that feeling that I would get when we would have a late game so it was dark and the half time whistle would go and we would all run to the dugout, adrenaline pumping, and the score was close so we felt nervous in the best kind of way. we would get into a circle and breathing heavily, our hearts beating loudly in our ears, we would turn automatically to our coach who would start talking a mile a minute and scribbling on his whiteboard. we would listen so intently to him, like this game, on this day was the most important thing to ever happen in our lives, and at that time, it was. while this was happening I would notice how alive I felt, and how there was no other place in the world I would rather be. the cold air on my hot skin, the bright lights on the dark sky, the way everything felt so quiet and so loud at the same time, the way I was so in the moment. then, when the coach had finished talking, some people might add a few things, the bag of lollies would be passed around one more time, and then we would do a cheer and run back onto the field with a new sense of urgency and determination.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

when I share my airpods with different people

singing really loud to taylor swift throwbacks every time with GB and laughing lots, especially about the lyrics in the song “fifteen”.

LW always getting excited when i suggest that we listen to her playlist.

AA not caring what we listen to and asking the names of songs and laughing about how i made my monthly playlist really long in only one day

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

?/2/20

we were in English reading this story as a class and it was LWs turn to read aloud and there was this really funny word in the story. at first, i thought i was the only one laughing, so i kind of stifled my laughter and tried to keep it in. then, i heard others doing the same thing which made us laugh even more. slowly, the whole class’s laughter built up until we were eventually all uncontrollably laughing. i was laughing so hard i was crying and it was impossible for the teacher to get us to stop. the thing we were laughing at wasn’t even funny, it was just our whole class being immature. it took us quite a while to stop laughing, and for the rest of the period, the occasional giggle kept escaping.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

19/2/20

this morning i got up at 5:30 because me and AWW were making doughnuts for our class. it was fun being up so early and the doughnuts turned out really well. our class loved them. after periods 1 and 2 the whole school did zumba that the year 13s organised. it was so much fun dancing and being carefree with everyone. i moved around a lot so i got to spend some time dancing with all of my friends at some point, even my friends from my class last year which was good because i have been missing having them in class lately. the lady that was running it was so confident and everyone was hyping her up and cheering for her. my friends and i stayed until the very end and we were so hot and sweaty but it was ok because we went swimming in PE period 3. swimming was really fun because it was sunny and warm and the water was refreshing. my friends and i did the school dance in the pool but we didn’t have any music so we just sang. it was so funny with us all splashing and singing and laughing. then, we did the same raft building race that we have done every year in PE. i was in a group with AA and we won the award for most creative raft. we came last by miles but it was really fun. after that my friends  and i got out of the pool and NV and i sunbathed for a while, trying to get back our tans from summer that we have already lost. after that AA, AWW, PI and i went in the shower before we got changed and my friends and i were the last ones out as per usual. FN and i went into French in bare feet, with our hair out to dry.

[uhyahisurehopeitdoes]

16/2/20

that moment when you didn’t go to sparks last night because you thought none of your friends wanted you there and then the next day they tell you that they missed you and that you should have come and theres a really pretty sunset and you’re listening to good music