unchildhood

[unchildhood]

i would actually pay so much money to make this blog my main so people know its me liking their posts

[unchildhood]

I don’t know if u will see this but…

I feel this blog in my soul ❤️ thank u

the coincidence that am checking my tumblr inbox for the first time in years to see this message

🥹 for anyone who has felt that way about this blog, it is always going to be me thanking you for being here ❤️ for all that that has meant to me since this blog first started

[unchildhood]

It’s been a minute. How have yall been?

[unchildhood]

[unchildhood]

something new for me ^^

[unchildhood]

costar really chose to end my life today

[unchildhood]

I stg medicine is so amazing. Being on the right medication that works has changed everything. So it turns out shitty things can happen, I can still CARE but I don’t have to be crushed by self-loathing??? I can still move on with the rest of my life and enjoy things?? WHAT IS THIS. I love being alive and feeling everything?? I’ve been missing out on this my whole life, and I wasted so many cool experiences and opportunities from just being in too much pain to appreciate any of it while it was happening — I should be heartbroken and devastated about all of that, and I am, but. The pure hope and healing of it all. I can’t help but forgive myself for letting me down in the past. It turns out she was always doing her best the whole time and it was not her fault that she never knew that Things really could be this different.

[unchildhood]

Coming on to two months since my friend passed. No matter if pain and guilt is lifelong, time passes regardless and other things enter to take space. That feeds the guilt too. Maybe I want it to.

[unchildhood]

16.10.21 roughies

[unchildhood]

One time recently, was sitting in a circle with some friends and one girl said let’s play two truths one lie. It was fun because everyone was being very witty but when it came to my turn, I passed. Then she said she thinks I’m the kind of person to have alot of secrets, which is funny cuz like don’t we all? my problem is that I don’t know how to laugh at any of the secrets that have been washing up on my shores these past few years, and those seem to be the only ones ready to be called on at short notice nowadays. They’re too weird and heavy and shameful and sad. to have someone basically even ask about anything past the surface was too much to deal with in a casual setting like that. Nope, just noped out.

[unchildhood]

[unchildhood]

Am not exactly how it’s happening, or why, but I think I’m finally recentering.

It’s strange and weird in a really nice way. All the problems are still here and not much has changed in the material sense, but it’s just this feeling of becoming solid. waves wash over and past —like maybe now and then i still find my head submerged, but it’s so so different from how these past three to four years have been, which was like constantly being swept farther and farther out to sea, flailing and clawing every second to try and get back to shore where everyone and everything that mattered to me was waiting tiny as ants disappearing one by one because as days and months and years went on, I never seemed to get any closer, and then I got tired and got to floating on my back all the time, doing nothing other than just thinking about letting myself sink and being done with all of it. And now after all of that, and forgetting that I ever knew how to swim in the first place, bam, I’m suddenly this close to shore again. It’s foreign. Like wow, this is what land looks like?? I forgot.

Don’t know how long I get to be here but I’m just going to spend what time and energy I have doing the things I never thought I’d ever be able to do again and enjoy feeling like I’m capable of other emotions besides grief, resentment, jealousy and bitterness

[unchildhood]

I miss doing the mental screencap series

[unchildhood]

I have 10 minutes before I have to leave for class, which is almost an hour away and it’s so cold that I’m curled under a blanket on the couch fully dressed. Going to make myself a coffee to fortify myself for leaving the house but god still not over how cold it is here

you will not believe where I am rn

[unchildhood]

我是不是该能不能安静地走开